Wow, what a wonderful responses and unfoldings since my post! Anastasia I absolutely love that picture of the 5 madwomen! Thanks so much for sharing that here, it put a big smile on my face. I also see kundalini in what is swirling up in the image. And I somehow felt a bit less mad after reading your post! Just knowing that there are other madwomen out there with me, makes me feel less alone in my process. Indeed our Circle of Five felt very free and nothing crazy about it J.

And ‘whirlwind’ seems to be the perfect word for what is going on for me at the moment! Again I am sitting here with resistance to even writing, after having quite a restless night and some old buttons getting pushed deep earlier today, that I should rather wait posting something until I feel more awake and can write something ‘sensible’ here. Open, I can relate to your response to my post and rationally it all makes sense that it all isn’t such a big deal and centring consciousness in the sacred ground of being will help, but with all that is going on physically/emotionally it doesn’t. Where I was able to sit for longer periods in a very serene place within myself while retreating in the forest, at the moment I struggle to connect with that place again and seem to just be connecting with internal turbulence (strange headaches, heat and movements in my back, weird sensations in my abdominal area, etc.). There are moments that I feel like I am ‘losing it’…. as I am writing this, I am intrigued by this expression and the word ‘losing’ in it and where this comes from. What might we be losing in the process of what the external world would label as going mad, our mind perhaps? However, I am not yet in a place like Anastasia where I can be completely be ok with the idea of society labeling me with madness and come what may, I can feel lots of anxiety around that. Or actually I can probably be ok with being labeled as mad, the anxiety is mostly about the possible consequences of that, such as being locked away in a mental health institution against my will. And perhaps because of that there is a strong attachment to ‘trying to keep things together’ (aka. control) to avoid the possibility of losing it altogether. Of course I know that this fear only gives it more strength, yet I can’t deny it is there.

Another aspect of my inquiry is around something that has become more clear through a lot of the relationship triggers that have been there recently. Something about getting all the blame in a situation of disagreement projected in my direction (which of course I take on myself) and the other party leaving very little room to acknowledge their own contribution to the situation or for me to share my perspectives about it. And even if I get room to share my perspective it will immediately be overruled or questioned by the truth of the other side. Being ‘found guilty without charge’ is the feeling that comes with it. Making me wonder if there could be some karma from something I did in another lifetime that makes me get all the blame?