In reply to by Open

I owe the topic of this post to the interesting typo of a fellow Openhander, which made my days of shedding into ‘shitting days’ Slightly SmilingSlightly Smiling. I am currently in the process of unwinding my apartment, which needs to be emptied by the end of this month and moving out of the Netherlands, which feels like a process of shedding many layers. This weekend I opened my house to friends to give away as much of my belongings as possible and although many things were taken, there are still enough things left to be shed in the coming weeks. While shedding things physically, in parallel things seems to be shedding internally as well, with all sorts of reflections popping up in my personal life asking to be looked at.

Open, thanks for your reflection above about ‘doing it to myself’. This is actually something that is at the moment quite strongly being reflected in facilitation with clients, how things they are struggling with in the outside world are what they are doing to themselves internally (other than that their processes are all reflecting my own issues back to me right into my face Slightly Smiling). Often reflections like these resonate, yet I can feel lost in relating them to whatever I am struggling with myself in the moment. Something that started dawning to me in relation to what I wrote earlier about my big trigger when feeling like I am getting all the blame and feeling the other side is not taking responsibility for their share in a disagreement, is that all I really have to do is take ownership and responsibility for my share in the situation, regardless of what the other side might do or take on. I realise that in the situations where I have felt all the blame was being projected towards me, something would happen like ‘right if you don’t want to take responsibility for your part in this, then I am not going to take responsibility for mine either’ (angry, rebellious teenager??). In other words, I would actually be doing exactly the same as what I felt the other side was doing to me, haha. I am sure there is more to unwind here, but just the realization that I am not responsible for the other person’s part and feelings in it, but just my own, already feels like a relief.

The other thing that the moving out is forcing me to look at, is asking for support, which is something I tend to struggle with. I am very good in offering support, but not very good in receiving it. There is something about having to be able to do everything yourself/independently as a symbol of strength, whereas relying on support is somehow a weakness, which I feel is also a cultural conditioning here. When I asked myself in relation to the stress I have been feeling around the moving, ‘so what’s the worst that could happen?’, I keep on getting this image of myself on the day I have to hand in my keys with an apartment full of stuff and nobody there to help me to move the stuff out of the place. I realized that somewhere I have a subconscious conviction that I don’t deserve or am worthy of support, and because of that I tend to distrust that there will be support available, avoid asking for it or distrust the support that is being offered. So at the moment I am trying to be very aware of the uncomfortable feelings when I asking for help in the moving process and noticing that there is a lot more support available to me than I usually think there is.

Finally, synchronistically my kitchen sink, which was already draining a bit slowly for a while, has now completely blocked over the weekend (the first time I can remember since I started renting this place 12 years ago). After trying to first clean up the pipes in the kitchen cupboard myself, again an opportunity to ask for help from a friend. Despite his help pushing through some blockages with a spring wire, it seems there are still some bigger blockages further down in the building that stops the water from moving, so tomorrow morning there will be a company coming to unblock things further. One reflection that has come to me on this, is that there might be a blockage in the ‘basement’ (base chakra) that is about to be unblocked.

And the unwinding process continues!