Hi Open,

Thank you so much for your reply - and the reminder at the end. That was just so spot on, I'm still blinking a little. Especially this bit: Each guidance doesn't necessarily tell you what to ultimately do. That's something I've been exploring in the last two weeks - to be instead of to do. How to be more of me. How to, instead of railing internally at this office job for example, open a space inside and figure out how to be more ME inside of this job. It's fascinating (if frustrating) to realise how often my mind immediately jumps from "how to be" to "what to do". And once it's seemingly figured out what to do: full steam ahead.

So, yes. Those words were just so what was necessary for me to remember at that moment. Thank you.

And it's utterly amazing to watch these things click and weave together. Either I'm listening better or the universe is really screaming at me. Here's the thing: After I'd posted yesterday, I came across one headline twice in a very short time and the headline said: "Many wrong choices". I didn't pay much mind to it, just registered it and wondered whether it was talking to me. So not Africa after all?

But then I forgot, because that one internal step into the fear released so much energy that I finally, after two months, managed to finish my homepage, write up a version of the GDPR that I hope covers everything, and poste the whole thing online. Yay! It's done! (Well, half done. It's the German language version only, at the moment. English language version is the next step.)

So I suppose that was firing the cauldron and then going with the pull. Wink Emoji  And that headline tried to tell me to not simply run ahead, but to stop and feel what was being invited.

That's not the end of it, though. The saga continues: Last night I realised that the Africa retreat is the same weekend of the company's staff outing and Christmas dinner! I'm really being pushed outside of my comfort zone and challenged here. How serious am I about being me, about being authentic? Will I talk to my boss about not attending the outing and dinner and risk disappointing him?

Uuh, and I'd been wondering where that feeling of a big lump in my throat was suddenly coming from. Smiling With Sweat Emoji

Do I dare? Do I dare be me and do it? (No idea why the thought of talking to my boss makes me go so tight. He's not an ogre, very approachable usually, and I get along very well with him. But of course, I haven't yet disappointed him. So ....) On the other hand: do I just go with it, say nothing, go to the staff outing and Christmas dinner, keep sleepwalking and taking the easy path? Or do I speak up about what I feel is the right thing for me to do?

That lump feels a little like throwing up is wanting to happen.

We're having a team meeting with the boss on Monday. I could talk to him afterwards ...

(I need an "hiding under a blanket" emoji)