I would like to share some recent changes I have been having inside myself as well as on the outside. I got selected to be a part of a sustainable community and school called sholai placed on the majestic Hills of kodaikanal. It was founded by a man called Brian Jenkins on the vision of J Krishnamurti on education. The place itself is very beautiful with various opportunity to unleash the soul like games, organic farming, music, art, carpentry etc. Its my first time being within a conscious community. The pull to connect with the sholai came directly after I had a breakthrough while doing Openhand bow - feeling and softening into the density picked up from the meaningless and absurdity of the institution I was part of recently. It sparked off with a tiny idea in the mind. 

The very few days I have been there, it has been immensely challenging for me - feeling into many distortions at the same time mainly to do with patriarchal distortion, feeling of not being enough, feeling like not belonging, rejected etc. The Openhand breakthrough approach has been of great help to deal with the density. I was experiencing a holographic projection into this man who founded the community and experiencing all sorts of fear of wanting to be accepted, limited by it, fear of authority and the behavior which stems from these. Its surely one of the conditioning I picked up from the indulgence on my educational background! Its very interesting when I breakthrough the density and limitation how different I find the reality actually is. I think it's of utmost importance to discern between what the actual reality is and what our projections are. And when I talked with this man - he seemed like a very different guy from the way I imagined to be. I  believe there is more of this projections going on and that is going to challenge me every bit.

I'm not sure exactly what my role is. I'm supposed to teach some subjects which I'm apparently 'good' at like maths and physics and I'm also expected to teach philosophy which I don't have any idea how I will move forward. This last one is actually giving me some anxiety already. Where do I begin, what do I talk about. Maybe I talk about the flow and Openhand philosophy. And would that even have any positive impact on the children. Im also a bit concerned about how the fixed timetable from morning to evening and being with the kids is going to impact my soul which is so used to solitude and plenty of free time. I'm not someone who enjoys responsibility so much.

Though I had applied for teaching position when I reached there all I wanted to do was just volunteer in the organic farms which I thoroughly enjoyed. There is a river flowing through the school and mountains to trekk, so being without much responsibility would give me the opportunity to indulge in what I really enjoy. I have an inflammation in my right eye which happens once in awhile when I'm moving through some transition. Maybe it'd speaking about the decision making aspect. One thing the people around me especially family appreciates is having a job which I can proudly say and I wonder if that's impacting my decision making and I what I really want to do. Or is it more coming from the fear of being inadequate and lack of confidence. And can I find an aligned ground between these two. 

I wonder what is the openhad philosophy about educating young minds. Is teaching necessary at all. To me the point of education or anything at all for that matter would be to be free of limitations and find joy in the learning process. It's comes as a very heartful welcome that there are no exams for kids till 10th std and there are no rewards and punishments which I fully agree.
Through all of these my confidence levels gave been extremely challenging especially since I can't seem to express myself so eloquently in English language while everyone around seems to do so with little effort. But breaking through then unleashes feeling of being enough supported by synchronisity even while I'm feeling into the density and pain in the heart.