I was out of the body my entire life, since age 3-4, my first childhood trauma. I am not sure whether I just went through some kind of necessary disconnection in order to reconnect or 'messed it up'. Looking back it doesn't seem I had much choice.

About 3 years ago I went into a 'dead' period. I just felt like gradually dying, a walking dead, and all kinds of things happened, including two periods of excessive triggering pushing all my buttons and reactivating all my traumas. It was like I contained it all, any weak spot I had was pushed and pushed until there was a breakdown and 'the truth' was revealed out of all this chaos and split, very painful truth.

At that time I lost any 'desire' to progress spiritually, but I had this need to either heal all this crap or die out of fatigue, desperation and guilt about all this mess that was my life. So this 'healing', attempt to heal trauma brought me into two situations leading to breakdown. The third one - I already didn't try to heal anything, but was unintentionally working on my 'daddy issues' having to do with abandonment and absence. And again, this time it was just too intense to bare even though I tried to make some room for processing and settling, asking for it, but it just didn't happen, so I broke down again.

I must say though that each of these times, I've seen things, it was like connecting to the unconscious, which is a mess, but important things are pulled out of it and are worked with, very deep stuff, far beyond the "traumatic" material. I pull the thread and leads me into depths I didn't know even were there. The price was 'losing it' for a while. But the realisations, states and shifts were priceless.

Also after integration I had new tools, and as if new channels were open new ways to process energy without going nuts, like yawning and sipping breaths are enough to move stuff, but during the breakdown the pain was so unbearable I was screaming. Now I just stop breathing. Then the breath comes, maybe yawn and that's it. Also I felt much more grounded and experiencing 'presence' states more and more often, each time I 'cracked', without even trying or aiming for it. A lot of stuff just fell off.

There were people in the hospital who seemed broken or breached. Some looked more connected than the 'normal' ones. I've also met people who took medicine who look very grounded and settled, some of them are cut off and totally disconnected.

In my life I kind of reached a conclusion that whatever you seek will find you. As long as I tried to escape and disconnect (subconsciously) - this was what I got no matter what I did. When I got fed up with it and finally landed deep enough, even if it meant losing all joy and hope and being a walking dead, a ghost, feeling nothing but pain and suffering and being ok with it as long as I am ready to face it, for years - then the truth found me. All that stored crap just exploded in my face.

There is a lot of judgment about psychosis and disintegration. There is this idea that things can go smooth and nice. But what I found is that the path is different for everybody. Maybe it is beneficial for some to disintegrate and lose it. Maybe there is no other way for somebody who is already shattered and broken. Maybe there was no other way for me.