Thank you for the questions Open. It caused me to explore this much deeper. It is not about justice. Is that even a real thing anyway or just some movie-like ending I desire? The pain I am feeling is that of guilt and responsibility. I have a huge amount of guilt for the pain and suffering my two girls have experienced after leaving my marriage. I know it is their path but this is where it feels like that is coming from none the less. There has been a suppression of these feelings and now they are all coming up after considering moving with them near my family. They have asked for this for a long time which I have denied but now I have this strong sense of responsibility to honor what they feel and what feels right for me. They are not being seen or heard in the situation as to what they want or feel by their father. This feels like my responsibility, to keep moving forward partly to honor what they want and also because it feels right. As it continues and i am beaten and battered the level of intensity and motivation has wained considerably. The level of manipulation and control over them by their father is getting more intense as I continue on trying to move. The blame, fear, projection, judgement and hatred is affecting us all. Feeling into this deeper I see I have created this to feel all these things. He is just the mirror showing me the painful feelings that are already inside me and I have been resisting. Therefore, the feeling of pain keeps getting more intense. I have to stop pushing it away, feel everything inside me completely and only then can I feel who I am beyond those things. Not before:(

There is another element to this as well that has come up for me regarding creating authentically. I have been drawn into doing things that feel "wrong" but undeniably there is a pull to do them. They have created feelings of intense tightness inside but the logic was that somehow it would help me get some outcome I feel I need. Some sense that I have used "dark" or unaligned energy in the past to help get "me" what "i" want but is not in the flow. This is very painful.