I wanted to share something that happened to me recently.

I can't be perfect here, and I have made peace with not being able to be. Also I believe that we all have our personal, individual 'necessities', and I can't compare what feels right and minimal for me with that feels right for somebody else, and vice versa. Maybe a huge house on the beach is absolute necessity for some person, and maybe even for me sometimes in the future? Who knows?

In the world I was dipped into during recent months, the world of 'sports', I was exposed to amazing things I know I was meant to do and be and live, but also, of course, there is a distorted side. For example, sports world fashion. Maybe you know what I mean. You know, all the brands, and designed stuff, when basically, all you need is a pair of comfy pants (or no pants at all hhhhh) and any shirt (or no shirt) :D There is this whole range of sports shoes flood on the market, and it looks like you just can't fit in without.

For a while I thought "I have to play the game. I can't dress like I am cleaning at home. I am a teacher, in a way, I am also a performer in a way, I go up the stage and I dance, you know, so I have to fit. Maybe my resistance is the resistance to conform, or is this real?..." and so on. But then something was not sitting quite right. Eventually I felt I would betray myself if I did this. So, after some weeks of contemplation and feeling out I decided to be myself! hhhhh And then I felt so happy. I know I will have to buy some stuff anyway, but it will be something that would represent me, something... as if not from this world :) And I could feel the 'art', the creativity and my soul. This is IT.

All this contemplation helped me to find and realize so many things. For example, I find that clothes and the way we look is important, as this is the way to express ourselves, and it also sends energy. Sometimes I feel sad when I see people dressed completely the same, wearing some simple stuff, because it feels like they neglect their expression, neglect this part of being on earth, and neglect beauty of their own, of their physical form.

I used to shrink when people were looking at me and I could see this look in their eyes, like "she's pretty". I felt awful. I didn't want it, and I was uglifying myself to make it go, but it didn't help anything. And now I am giving myself to people. Why not? I am not enjoying looking beautiful on the ego level, I am sharing what I am given, if I can. And if somebody enjoys looking at me, I smile back and there's a great exchange, so uplifting. And since then I do make sure I feel I am beautiful, and I wear what I feel can be a place for people's eyes to rest. Something different from what people outside wear and do, you know... something real.

Unlike earlier, when I neglected myself and went down to just comfy, I now feel back on track, I know that one of the things that are important to me is beauty, harmony, esthetics, and this is why I see no problem in using colors, make up or anything else. It can be also some creation. It's all the matter of intention, and where things are coming from.

Now I do see a problem with the way things are done today. Because all these things I have mentioned are great a long as nobody gets hurt. And HERE is the problem. These days somebody always gets hurt. And that's because of fashion/trend and industry (I stick to the topic).

To me 'fashion' is a distortion of a natural pull to create beauty and harmonies, to express ourselves, and of course, the industry is a monstrous distortion of exchange, a complete disaster.

On the other hand, I don't take it dramatically anymore. I know that it is out of disharmonies that harmony is born, and I know that this situation is just one of those ugly sad things that this world is full of, as a part of it, as inseparable and inavoidable one.

I asked myself recently:

All these awful things around are here because humans are here, not perfect. I thought... they are so not fit here. But it is not their fault, they are this way, and this is all, the root of all this ugliness. I never blamed them really. My war was with God. How could it be allowed to happen? How could such things be created and sustained? I am still feeling it sometimes...

But then I also see the beauty. I mean look at them. What a marvelous creation! Would I rather the world to exist without all this? Would I rather they were not created? Would I rather not experience all that I experienced and experience now? And the answer was absolutely NO!!! And then I leaped into another level of peace and joy about the ways the universe goes. I have lost another piece of myself and joined the streams of sparkling flow...

To summarize: I believe now that I need to make my choices. But I have absolutely no sentiments about what is going on anymore. This is just the way things are, and I can say I am happy they exist. I can take the sadness and the sorrow, all the pains and the horrors, to experience THIS. And I believe that this is kind of choice that all the souls here have made, you know. And maybe I am projecting my acceptance outwards. I just realize the price of being human, in general, and during these times in particular. THIS is the price. And we are all still here, to play the game, and evolve out of it and go back home.

This allows me to make a sincere choice, a real choice, if you want, which is NOT making any. I allow things to happen, allow the decisions to arise on their own. I don't believe in this 'all natural", "all sustainable" extreme anymore. And to me, it is simply impossible if we want to engage with society, humans, etc. Not to mention that hey, we are all humans here, disregarding where we are coming from, what aliens we might be here and what is our level of evolution. We are partially damaged, so that we ca be here. And this makes us being unable to survive here without causing some harm. So sincere decision, to me, is the one that has no attempts to be perfect, kind, compassionate, harmonious, I donnow, anything, no attempts to be anything at all, and also it goes beyond morality, emotions and even feelings. It lands from beyond. I believe that only from this clear space, of ideas, ideals and formulas, the truth can be seen. And the truth is changing all the time, depending on what I need to do at the moment.

In general, as somebody who has recently climbed up the stairs from the dark, ugly hell full of unbearable pain, spitting blood all the way, I now climbed out, just a bit, I can see the light, and I know for sure that we all will be redeemed, this or another way... sooner or later.

So I don't feel dramatic anymore. I look around, see it all and celebrate in advance. Even as I read this article, and feel all kinds of things, my heart is singing. I somehow know where we all are going :)