High Jenny - thanks for the powerful sharing (and Tess too!).

Yes kids are our greatest gurus!

You said...

    "There's this thought that keeps crossing the mind "I am tired of being scared!" Who is saying that though?? Is it just the ego? I feel truly over feeling nervous and it's not just with the kids - I just am so painfully aware that I am constantly not feeling like enough- it's a constantly running program in my mind- I am so tired of it - but who is tired of it??!"

It's not your ego - it's your soul coming through in this situation. There's a huge misconception in spiritual circles right now: that if there is a question in the mind, then it's the ego and we should 'get rid of it'. It leads to denial of the moment. The 'questioning' is a natural aspect of the soul. Here at Openhand it's what we call the "Ray 3" of the Seven Rays of Divine Impulse. To question "what is my authentic reality right now" is highly constructive, right and aligned - it's an integral part of your 'soul ray harmonic'.

It's when this 'questioning' becomes the 'questioner' that the problem starts. In other words, when ego owns the question and creates an eddy current of identity around it.

When the soul comes into this dynamic, sometimes we'll feel tired. Often when people deeply meditate, they go to sleep. Why? Because the soul has literally 'had enough' of the ego's shenanigans and what's more important, the ego is beginning to losen its grip.

So are you tired of being fearful? Good! Keep going!

Keep pushing, keep exploring, keep testing until finally the ego gives in, unravels and you can accept things as they are.

Be careful with your chanting though. It is of course a great way to clear energy and balance your field (as with many forms of meditation that generate endorphins). The thing is, you need to "penetrate the pain". If you distance yourself from it, then you can't fully process it. You have to go right into the heart of it until you tire of it completely. Then you can finally let go of it.

So distancing yourself from the pain simply delays the time when you can dissipate it completely.

I should add a proviso for all reading: to liberate yourself from the pain by penetrating it in this way is extremely catalytic and positive. You can clear the most challenging and horrendous karma in just a few hours. But if you find yourself continually stewing in the density, then you've possibly pushed too far, and need to balance by unleashing some joyful endorphins to lift your spirits - hence the chanting, walking in nature or appropriate meditation.

Keep going guys, you're doing great work!