A couple of years ago I went through a process of a complete change in my everyday life, like what I eat, what I wear, etc. And I felt very connected to earth, uplifted, light...

And then something happened, and following the pull I was brought to dip back in the denseness and dirt of modern living, as I, in parallel, was dipping into my own inner dense world. I believed I was abandoned by God (funny).

Then I found I have become attached to the 'purity', the sensation of connection, lightness, and it was very painful for me to let it go, especially that I thought that I am just hopelessly falling out of the flow and being sucked in denseness.

Now I can see that there was no other possible way for me, and that I tortured myself in vain with trying to be pure and clear and to confine myself to what I thought was the way to purify myself and bring myself closer to God. It was another attachment, distortion, that I was hunting for something all the time, run away from this place, and couldn't help myself, even though I was aware of all this.

For me, I guess, the path was to do the opposite, to walk through a total opposite of what is pure, to go into everything that is wrong, injust, disgusting and filthy in my eyes.

It was like this until I reached the highest peak of frustration, but also of acceptance. I was ready to stay in this dirt forever. And then things began to move for me, but also, in a completely unexpected, not-by-the-book way.

Today I can say I have no idea how purification is to be done, but I know that it has everything to do with accepting the truth as it is, being aware, and then following the pull, even if it takes in a completely opposite direction from what looks right.

Looking like it's right and feeling right are different things. Feeling right can also bring me to do things I would never do. So for the question is not so about the purity of my actions, but rather the realness of my actions and experiences.

Sadly, I found that if I am attached to, let's say, not to hurt any living creature, I will surely be brought to hurt or kill one, to blow the identity formed around it.

So for me it is not that simple, and eventually is all about blowing any ideas, ideals, any beliefs, any kind of control, planning, moralities, even my nobleness... Everything is totally peeled off. I can cry, I can fight, I can try to resist or to make things the way I imagine, but eventually it just causes more suffering and wastes time.

The way I see it the first thing for me is to lose any idea of how this purification will go, and to focus all inner strength on refining the sense of rightness, but without being attached to getting it all right. There are always more things I get wrong than right, and then I learned from that. What's important is the inner loyalty, the readiness to do what's right...

The second one is to find more and more softness. It often felt to me like finally going down on my knees in front of the universe, letting my pride go and opening for WHATEVER I am experiencing, which can be the most horrible things I couldn't even imagine I have inside me. Softness.

And the last one - letting go the understanding. I got used to be clueless 99.9% of the time, and even learned to enjoy it in some funny way. I have no clue, really. I just know what I feel or see now, and that is what I need to feel and see to find something I am to find in this moment. All the rest is irrelevant. Truth in itself stopped bothering me, and I now find it funny that I desperately tried to understand and know things, because, well, I can never know! hahaha


And Chris was true when he said that things will get easier. I experience more pain and deal with more horrors. But it is nothing in comparison with the suffering of resistance, fighting and trying to understand things that can't be understood, and this attempts to manipulate, avoid... God, THIS is suffering! All the rest is not easy at all, but can be dealt with. So, the last tip for me was to let go the war with God, to just lay my weapons down. This moment when I felt like completely ready to stop fighting was probably one of the most important moments of my evolution. And I am still working on my hatred for this life and inacceptance of all this reality and my existence in it. A monster... But hey, even with all that, without fighting - it's a totaly different experience :)

I am happy and feel very lucky, even here, in this unperfect, not-so-pure place I am at. I am under God's wing. I can't ask for more...