Thanks Jenny

Whenever Tom does something like tells me or Sarah to shut up, I feel this huge “how dare you, theres no respect for that other persons way of being at all. This wanton urge to surpress the other.”

So "a childs behavior is a reflection of our own patterns."

So his anger is my anger, his frustration is mirroring my frustration. I try to block this by saying he shouldn't do this, that his behaviour isn't kind. "I impose consequence/reward situations" around those areas I get tight.
This has to do with my upbringing and that I was always shut down when my behavior was seen to be undesirable by my parents/family/school. Conditioned patterns formed around these situations until what was left was an eddy current. These eddy currents still linger in many places and hold conditiond patterns.

So if I want to break down these currents, I shall soften into these moments. Where Toms behavior seems to shut me down or tighten me up, not responding from a fixed, “Hey! Don't do that” (all that does is pass on the conditioning to him) I'm breaking down these patterns and not surprising his expression.

I still feel the need to provide structure. It's hard because he has a large portion of life outside of our home, that being school, spending 4/5 days with his dad, or visiting the grandparents. During which time he has scarfed junk food and indulged addictions to TV or video games, or been through an education system that feels quite dense. When he comes back, it's like he's an addict on withdrawal.
I feel a huge resistance to this, "That's not a healthy way to be." But it doesn't feel like I can impose that on him, because that would just as much of a distortion.

I realise I can be myself, and fully explore my being and work through my distortions. This is the greatest service I can give to Tom.

Lot's more to work through. Deeper, soften, open.