All these memories and subtle feelings are arising…some of it stimulated by the “Moon Circle” on another thread, some of it by some dance classes I have been going to and some by perceived criticisms or feeling of abandonment stimulated by those around me. There is a sense of a small female child and an older male child inside - two separate identities that are affecting the way that expression can or does flow through. I feel a shutting down of this smaller female child - there is a sense of blame and guilt that is wrapped up with her…and this is starting to be felt. I have dreamt of the boy many times…he is maybe 9 or 10 - in my dreams I am either seeking to unify with him or I see him out in the woods by the water and he is emaciated and uncared for. The boy feels like the distorted masculine energy that has protected me from feeling there is something wrong with me that has caused rejection and abandonment. The boy though is more blaming…feels more like a victim of circumstances and wants to control things and be hard so that nothing touches the deeper feeling of the little girl.

I can recall the earlier years of my childhood after my father left…I became hard and tough and unreachable…my father would call and I would be silent or say the meanest things possible…all to put off the energy of I am fine, you can’t hurt me, you don’t matter, I don’t need you, I am unaffected by you. There was a lot of rage…tearing out insulation from the inside of my bedroom walls, stuffing toilets full of all my clothes…but I don’t ever remember crying except once when I begged my parents to somehow put it back together.

About 8 years ago I read a book called “Come Back to Me” that touched this energy inside me and I cried rivers of pain as I felt into being this small child and what that was like. Yet, it’s coming up now differently, more subtly, I see it distorting expression…I see a vision of a way of being…get a taste of it but then I feel as if I am this little girl or little boy and it feels like that energy can’t flow in the way I sense it or see it is possible…it’s like putting a little girl in a pair of heels…she can play around in them but it’s not natural and it’s not appropriate…that’s how it feels to be in a woman’s body right now. When I feel blamed or at fault - there is a huge blocking energy in my throat - feels like there is wool stuffed inside my throat and all the energy in my body seems to go to my head and my body feel empty and disintegrated. There is such intensity that it seems I am popping out of the lower body entirely. Lots more to go and I trust life will keep giving me opportunities to feel into it more..to become as One with the feeling - the guilt and blame, the shame and rejection…but just felt good to share and to express what is going on with this. If you feel to mirror anything to me - i am open to that. Thank you for the space to share. With love, Jen