Hi Lia,

Your experience of being immersed in a dark tunnel, unable to a sliver of light, triggers traumatic karmic memories of being buried alive. It feels like I died completely engulfed in fear without any glimmer of light, fighting to stay alive and escape the darkness, hoping someone 'out there' would pull me from the grave.

I am still fearful of confined spaces and have often panicked in small elevators, for example. I once took my daughter into a Haunted House at a summer fair. As I entered the narrow, dark corridor, I panicked and my heart began to pound wildly. I quickly turned around and rushed back into the daylight. To this day, I'm afraid of being in a bedroom with a closed door. Open doorways resonate deeply on all levels: spiritually, physically, psychologically, karmically, and emotionally, which is why I was drawn to Openhand's 5 Gateways.

In contemplating all of this, I'm aware that I'm fearful of the darkness and of diving too deep down the rabbit hole. I'm holding back, terrified of being buried alive and forever exiled in the darkness, powerless to find the doorway into the light.

What you said here really hits me:

"Maybe sometimes, some of us need to surrender into the complete darkness and having nothing to rely on?"

Thank you for the mirror and for taking me into deep contemplation about this. I'm feeling that total surrender and acceptance and becoming one with the darkness is the only doorway to the light. Yet it feels like I fear both the light and the darkness that seems to relate to source pain around feeling betrayed and abandoned by divine benevolence and losing trust in the light. I have recreated many experiences in this incarnation around betrayal, exile, and abandonment so I can self-realize as the One through them, but I haven't gone deeply enough to completely let go of that ancient pattern. However, I am having breakthroughs and do find and express a higher way of being. One small step at a time.

As for relying on another, I'm aware that part of me still hopes someone else will pull me out of the grave. On an intellectual level, I get that all the 'someones' are the One, that there's only One of us, and it's up to me to self-realize as Unidentified Pure Presence through the darkest experiences rather than give away my power to external deities and saviors. Buddha, J.C., and all the gods and goddesses simply mirror back the power of my own higher self to self-realize as the One through all experiences. Yet part of me is pissed and angry and wants to say, "You put me here! Now get me out!" *%&#*%@*&! It complicates things that I prefer my sweeter side!

My mother often said, "God helps those who help themselves." At the same time, while growing up, I was conditioned by my family and Catholic religion to believe that Jesus Christ would save me if I was worthy and perfect enough. Deep down I'm fearful that I will never be worthy and perfect enough to become enlightened, to become the light. I accept that oodles of patience is required, as Open says, so I will continue to breathe the light of my soul through my fears and darkness as best as I can. As I was doing just that the other night, I felt like I was pure light.

These lines inspire me deeply:

“Sometimes someone isn’t ready to see the bright side.
Sometimes they need to sit with the shadow first.
So be a friend and sit with them.
Make the darkness beautiful.”
~ Victoria Erickson

Love,

Cathy