Cathy,

Thank you so much for sharing, because it triggered things back in me :D Wonderful! The mirroring. In my case I am afraid of light more than of the dark. I can dwell in it forever. It is more comfortable, it is a comfort zone, in some way. Death, dying, being buried, lying there - is home. For me it was a really big deal to open up for light. These days -
for love, for receiving from people, from life, from myself. And.. funny, but I used to be afraid of open doors and slits. It is also hard for me to get out, still. This is something I started doing consciously only recently. Go outside here in the city, go out to people, and what is most important - go out to myself, meet myself, it is all connected and reflected somehow, it is like finding pieces of myself in reflections outside and out of tightness that is generated by all kinds of little things. It is really a blessing. I am finding something out every day. Sometimes I really need to push myself, overcoming the friction. It ALWAYS pays off. Because I was always afraid of people, of communication, of the discomfort and triggering it is doing, of the noise it is and it generates inside me. I have been hiding all my life, in all kinds of ways.

And now I am up to it. Like, challenge me! I want it. I am happy with it. And I love people for it. Otherwise I just stagnate in my own digging and bury myself alive, happily. All this confinement is a twisted kind of safety, a twisted home, a distortion of it. For some it is the love and light bubble. For some it is a hideaway of seclusion. Whatever it is, it just locks in. But in the back of it the same thing, it feels, just maybe from different directions. No matter how I look at it - it is this split to opposites, getting too attached to one of them, afraid of the other... A trap. This shit is gotta get mixed. When I manage to do it, it's, well... f"ck yeah! :D Now I am noticing.. I am learning to mix and master now in music!! What a reflection!!! :D

The saviour thing - a big, big one, probably more relevant for women? Save me, protect me, secure me, make me feel worthy, beautiful, safe? All these... Tough!!! I am still working on some of these. But the saviour is over. SIIIIIGH!!! In one of my regressions I am dying, alone, nobody will come to help me or save me. Also somebody SEE ME! See me, see me!!! I couldn't see myself, because I was looking outside (palmface hhh). The "nobody will come to save me" - I lived through it in my last two relationships, and what a nightmare it was. Nobody came to save me indeed, not people I tried to rely on, until the ambulance arrived LOL (benevolence is brilliant). It took me years to solve it chunk by chunk, because the pain was too much to feel at once and too many things were around it, like a cloud, a protective cloud. And I projected it, on "God" too, the God I imagined, or the light I imagined... At some point I killed it all. "Kill the Buddha" - Osho says. I killed every real or imagined thing I relied on or tried to. Everything was taken away from me. And my soul had a lot to do with it...

The truth can't emerge in places like that, when they are filled by external images and sources. It seems brutal, it feels brutal, when the ground is swept underneath, but this is the only kindness that is really helpful. It is liberating. The rest is just an illusion, which is much more cruel and devastating in the long run. Moreover, it makes people run in loops, self-defeating loops. It's is tough, oh, let's turn to God, light, the knowing guru, the book, the video, whatever, get the temporary relief and kick, get back in the loop, and like that, like a squirrel in the wheel, never-ending cycle, never finding the real thing, themselves, something within... always jumping out of themselves... At some point sabotage come up. The soul can't take it anymore. It's enough! Then it kills and smashes all the images that we're disempowering ourselves by. But not all of us get it, not until it's done.

And the shift is tremendous, when it's gone. It is like being always connected inside, the moment I lose it, it's just wrong, and everything I am appealing to is also inside. But with that, it made me much more open to ask for "real help" and to receive it. "Save me" doesn't work. "I need some help here" does. And there is a lot to dig around the whole "what is true help?". I had several months of exploring it, finding the right thing inside, and I still am finding bits of bullshit in me and others, the kind of sticky disempowering out-of-centre stuff.

Yeah.. Anyway, the soul knows the way... even if the mind is clueless hhh It better be, as long as the "trickster" is alive.

<3 <3 <3
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Open!!

WOW. There was shiver of truth in the legs, when reading the comment.

Even though the tunnel is over, but what you write is very relevant still. I feel like somebody just put some part in place in my system, and my legs started shivering, something is moving, energetically, from down up, and feelings come. The body is speaking... It really goes deep... going to look at it now...

Thank you! <3