I wasn't planning to be online this week during my  personal silent retreat,  but here I am peeping onto the openhand web site. I'm at the end my second day alone in a cottage in the woods with a rhythm of 2 hours sitting in meditation, half an hour break for a cup of tea and some yoga or movement, and taking one mostly raw meal a day.  As I expected these days have been very challenging in different ways, one of which of course is boredom. Perhaps the biggest challenge so far has been that of expectations, expectation that something should be happening, that pain or karma should be popping up, that I should be experiencing some breakthroughs, etc. It is like I am sitting there just waiting for that, like I have put a carrot dangling in front of me to chase, but without the carrot it all seems pointless, like a waste of time. I know that the expectations are not really helpful, but I find it so hard to just sit there without any expectation of what might well happen. Probably my overactive mind trying to fill things in and getting restless with the sense of purposelessness.... 

Related to the expectations is a tendency to beat myself up in the process and become rigid with myself, so as to 'increase my chances of 'success'. Such as I should completely be fasting, because surely that will have a bigger impact. So it becomes a very fine line to walk between not becoming too rigid and for example letting one mostly raw meal a day be ok, and allowing my ego to come in with things under the excuse of not having to be too rigid. Even coming online here took quite a contemplation and I am still not sure if it was just my ego coming to look for a bit of encouragement in the process. 

The other challenge I am facing is the pain in my knees from sitting. The first day it was quite ok and I was even surprised that I managed to sit for 2 hours without unfolding my legs, but by now my knees get too painful in already less than an hour. I have been sitting through the pain for quite a bit already, but at some point I really have to unfold them and then it still takes quite a while before the pain subsides.

Megha, with you through the ether dear! It sounds like you don't need lone time for things to kick off! I also of course had expectations about the height of the Lion's gate today, but I have to say it left me disappointed, because I haven't noticed anything special. So maybe I am not from Sirius or otherwise not yet sensitive enough to feel it. 

Retreating back into my cave now and will see if I can make it offline to the other side or not (part of me is now already judging myself for 'messing up' and coming to the Openhand website, but that could well be my rigid ego too).