In reply to by Marye

I wasnt planning to show up here again until I finish my personal retreat, but today has been a particularly tough day, so I thought sharing here might help the processing. I was actually already halfway through writing my message on my phone, when I managed to press a wrong button and loose what I had written, which further triggered feelings of the topic of this post: resentment.

Lots of things have been bubbling up this week, but one of the main feelings on the surface has been that of resentment for all the times in my life that I didn't listen to my inner voice, but rather opted for a fear based 'safe' alternative, to the point that I am angry with myself for doing so and feel like I have let myself down. For example, at least 2 years ago if not longer, I felt it was getting time for a move away from the Netherlands, yet 2 years down the line I am still stuck here and feel like I have wasted 2 years of my life. I can rationalize that in the end it doesn't really matter and that for some reason my path was meant to be this way, but underneath the surface there is a deep feeling of resentment for not listening to the inner pull. To the point that it feels by now there is no more use in moving, because I have already spoilt the opportunities anyway. And again rationally I know that things will reshape even if I do move after all, but still the feeling of resentment remains. 

I keep on going back and forth between on the one hand giving notice for the rent of my apartment starting 1 October as soon as I get back from my retreat and get rid of most of my belongings, without knowing where I will go from there, and on the other hand finding reasons why I should rather take it easy and perhaps first travel around for a bit and have a sense of direction before I take that decision. If I am really honest, which feels quite scary too, then to avoid any future resentment it would probably be best to go with the first option....


P.S. I am currently in a cottage in a forested area that feels very private and secluded, yet there are other cottages around behind the trees. Unfortunately, the trees don't stop noises, which is how I have been learning how many noisy electric gardening tools, such as lawn mowers, grass edge cutters, chain saws, leaf blowers, exist and how some people seem to have an obsessive compulsive disorder about them. At first, I was quite proud of myself that I was able to sit peacefully in the midst of the noise, but somehow today on the neighbouring plot it became a bit too excessive, I mean how many hours do you really have to spend blowing leaves around and mowing the lawn, when you already did so yesterday (peeping through the bushes it all looked already extremely manicured)? I wonder in what way this might have manifested in relation to the feelings of resentment.