Yulia,

You said...

    "Looks like this decision to be constantly conscious can't be forced."

No it can't. When you're on the path, you can't avoid the feelings that arise inside. And the path leads to.... yes.... all our unconscious places. You reach a point - which you clearly have - where you even recognise you're heading into one, and there's nothing you can do - or should do - about it. All the time, just keep working to illuminate why you are there. Then the light flows into it and unwinds it.

And yes, eventually, it does bring you to the constant conscious stream. And no, there's nothing like it!

Open