It seems we all have certain feelings, experiences we run from in all the ways we do...and then there is the realization that I can just be in this feeling or experience without needing to make it stop, change it, fix it, release it etc. At times I find it's just the emptiness that I am running from...interesting to watch the psychological spinning (self-judgement, analyzing, story reliving or making on a mental level) that goes into that exploration and see how that is also part of the avoidance (though it all has it's place).

At the moment the contemplation is around the feeling of chaos and the resistance to it's impacts. I am recognizing the resistance I feel to loud voices, witnessing physical roughness between people (even when playing), intensity of emotion when people are experiencing anger, harshness, judgement etc. It's beginning to click with me that this is re-experiencing of that which I have become identified with not being able to handle. The key seems to be to allow those vibes in fully, just feel it all without reacting to it and then FINDING A WAY TO EXPRESS IT - which is the big piece I have not been getting on this. I feel like I do let this in (kind of choicelessly...though not always graciously) but I don't express it.

I have definitely numbed it in all the common ways (including bringing myself into a more stimulated state via caffeine, slower state via wine, detached state via tv, less sensitive state via overeating). Then of course,  I have  tried to control externals to minimize feeling it (and yes there are definitely healthy boundaries in place as well - though I see that I go beyond that to control and limit the impacts of what I am feeling). 

The last few days with the music playing on this site, I recognized how good it feels to just move (thank you to all of you musically inspired friends!!!!)...and how helpful this is in unwinding the overstimulation. Feels like a great wait to cleanse and recalibrate the system!