Hello All,

Lots of new things are coming to the forefront and it always helps me see more clearly when I express it.

I have noticed for a long time that I feel very uncomfortable around men with strong Ray 1 energy - at the same time I am very drawn to it as well. The discomfort causes me to avoid this type of character or shut down internally in a variety of ways - kind of going numb on multiple levels. I will feel a strongly attractive impulse and then close down or go into heightened states of anxiety.  I get the feeling this is abut the inner rejection of this type of energy...seeing some connections to a dream last night.

In the dream, my youngest son (who is 11 - I share this as I feel its pointing to how I felt at this age) died choking on a celery stick. Immediately following I am on a trip with a group of people that I don't feel at ease with - a group of couples that I don't hang out with. I am carrying this sadness of the death of my son, but still going on. It's very clear that I don't belong there and three of the men start finding fault with me - specifically that I gave someone a gift -  a lip balm - that exploded all over their technology and they are angry about it - their eyes have turned completely black. 

Then the scene changes and there are people choking and vomiting around me and then looking through the contents of what was brought up. 

I see a few things here:

-lip "balm" and exploding stand out as I re-read this and perhaps the way a stronger expression can cause things to come up

- expression of inner masculine, expression of gifts,  it's impacts and the resulting choking

- death of the young inner masculine 

And yet I don't feel this is exactly about expressing Ray 1 - what feels right to me is that it's about being willing to stay present with the wanting to run away or going numb in the face of that strong masculine energy - it is a reaction - one that seems so deeply encoded and I can imagine all the ways in which this was wired in. Yet at the bottom of all the reasons and specifics of experiences, there is still just a willingness (or not) to remain open to the flow of what is moving within...feels vulnerable - wide open in a way - not knowing what will come ...facing this energy actually feels like an invitation to meet myself more nakedly and being open to how to be in the moment.

Lots of sort of random things related to the masculine energy ...just putting it out there. <3 Jen