Hello All,

It's been quite a while since I have shared...everything has been intense...just everything from every direction.  It's all too much sometimes, I yearn for some escape from it all - maybe we all wish for that sometimes?  These last months I have seen my "sacred cow" - the attachment to MY WAY - that organic, sustainable, plant based, holistic one...and the surrender is not to some rosy beautiful ideal, it's a surrender that says ok to a path I judge, the things that my "principles" say are not right...the pharmaceutical companies, big business, feed the machine...YET, it seems that from the place inside that doesn't exclude a way because it doesn't fit in my ideals, ....from that place, there is a yes, it's ok, you've done what you can, it's ok to let him find comfort in this way. Being with another in their pain (my son)...it's released some of the rigidity, the need to fix it...the need to have his life be a certain way....the need to manage his pain, his path. It's all revealing much of my own unfelt or unwelcomed pain of course.

At the same time, anger like I have never felt in my life is coming to the surface. I have been doing some dreamwork and in meditation, revisited a time where I was three years old having a temper tantrum in my room...tearing my room to shreds because I was locked in my room alone...in the meditation I find myself mid-air as I jumped on my bed, my body boiling with rage, yet frozen in place, overwhelmed with the feeling of being so out of control. The anger begins to turn inside of me...shifting into intense self-hatred. And now, it's reflecting everywhere, encounter after encounter is triggering this massive rage, usually in places where I can't express it. There is a certain distance/coldness/detachment, especially, though not exclusively, from someone who use to be a warm source of comfort, that is triggering it...this feeling that it doesn't matter what I want...the feeling of being disregarded, unconsidered and especially seen as ridiculous or making a big deal out of "nothing".  It feels like a fog falls over me and I feel victimized and isolated - alternating between intense rage and a despair/desperation. Once I am away from the situation, my whole field changes, I feel a sense of natural well being. It's very strange. 

Anyways, just sharing....just been rough and I guess it feels helpful to verbalize it. Much love to you all here. <3 Jen