Hello all! I felt inspired to explore some things following a post about the Victim/Oppressor dynamic in relationships. 

This dynamic came to my attention years ago, but I felt quite unable to unwind it within the relationship I was in.  When I was not in the company of my partner, I would feel fine, resilient, capable to meet life's challenges (for the most part) and then as soon as we were together, an energy would activate and I would become insatiably dissatisfied. This energy latched onto finding satisfaction through pulling in sympathy from my partner. This required that I express great difficulty and dissatisfaction with my life and an incapacity to handle life in general. I would become exceedingly overwhelmed with life and subtly and more overtly pull on the threads of his attention to complete the loop. This wasn't just mental, it felt like a complete takeover of my energy and I couldn't seem to break the cycle. There was also a disconnection from my own direction and motivation when I was in his company as the desire to merge and dissolve myself was also seemingly insatiable! His part in this was to buy into the idea that I was incapable and to rescue me...and then when the energy would still come at him and blame him for not being present, not being supportive...he would get angry and disconnect...stirring the core wound of abandonment and not being supported. There was also an intense need to be supported in emotional challenges - the biggest of which was to sit with the sense of emptiness and aloneness- a pit like feeling that would arise...the mind and emotions would wrap around this and wreak havoc on interpersonal relationships and the general sense of well being. I felt this sense of "I can't do it on my own!" and a panic that came with that.  Looking back I can see the roles we played in this dynamic, the wounding on this life level and perhaps grey energy coming in on the loss of self, seeking acceptance and fatherly guidance/support.

Fast forward three years =) and having spent a great deal of time out of intimate relationship and on my own, there is a sense of much greater embodied strength, focus, self-love, acceptance, and feeling capable to meet life..to be in life and to allow the experiences that come up without getting overly wrapped up in the mental and emotional layers...yet letting them reveal themselves. HOWEVER, now that I find myself in relationship...this is all coming to the front again...it's very delicate..It feels like life is being quite gentle with me here...we are aware of the dynamic and being attentive to our own boundaries. It's quickly slippery though ...I can feel the direction and focus and motivation wants to get projected out again...so being very slow in this experience and keeping a close eye on the sense of who I am ...how I feel and what is lighting up, inspired now. Also, the existential dread is courting me lately...and I am seeing all the ways I have blamed, projected, stuffed, denied, distracted to avoid just going all the way into this feeling...embodying it completely and being at home in that experience...which is simply a vibration that I have not been ok with. 

Alright ya'll ...long sharing...but Ive seen some posts on these topics lately and Im sure some of us can relate to these experiences....always feels good to share and process in writing here. <3