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Hi Jen,

You already know, but I just wanted to express that I can so relate to a lot of what you share here and the responses! Particularly, the ‘existential dread’ is something that has been coming up for me lately. When I wake up in the morning, the sense of not feeling like getting up or even wanting to be here in this world. And at the same time what feels like a lack of ‘drive’ in life, that I might as well just stay idle, and it wouldn’t really make a difference. There is a sense of purposelessness in there…. But what it boils down to is this pit of emptiness and aloneness you mentioned, a place I know I desperately try to run away from. It almost feels like when I get close to that ‘hole’ a flight mechanism of distractions kicks in to masquerade that this pit even exists. Some of my favourite distractions are connecting with people, food, travel/new experiences and places, and keeping busy/focusing on plans (e.g. doing rather than being). The only thing is that lately these distraction tactics seem to have become less effective or perhaps I should say I have manifested being in a place where there is more emptiness in my life as well as manifesting relating experiences that touch on a core wound of those I relate to being too busy with their own needs and hence there being alone with no support available when I really need it (which of course I know in the ether there is).

This somehow also links to an inquiry I have been having lately about what I would call ‘slavery consciousness’ as a result of different karma around slavery getting triggered in the past months. Something that is perhaps also being reflected by the current state of affairs in the world…. Slavery consciousness relating to only being of use to serve other people’s needs, not being able to express my own needs or even having to suppress/deny them to avoid punishment or abandonment. And that’s where the sense of dissolving that you talk about kicks in, ‘handing over’ my sovereignty to someone or something else. Though I am very aware that it is something that I create myself internally, that I am the one handing over my sovereignty and it feels like fear is the main driver for that. And my sense is that there are still some more layers of karma related to slavery and physical punishment to unwind, before I will be able to go past that.