Hi Open, Rich and Erica,

Thanks so much for your replies. I can say from reading your responses, It feels like validation of being very much on the right track. A lot of circumstances the last few years have helped me to bring more of the subconscious behaviors/patterns to light and own my part in the co-creation...but yes, seeing is only part of the equation! 

I find all of your pointers really essential Open and Rich - thank you! It speaks straight to the situation and the work that is invited now. For now, it is very slow, together infrequently and yes, keeping attention on what is happening energetically, where do I want to project the masculine energy - especially that of drive, motivation, and direction onto him? Where do I seek protection and security in the relationship? Where do I lose myself through projection, expectation, over compromising?  It's been very key to keep attention on my own driver/engine and vehicle if that makes sense! There is a lot of energy to be broken down on the victim piece...In particular when I feel unsupported and there is an infusion of very uncomfortable energy, that part of me wants to remedy through emotional manipulation...I am working on that a great deal in all relating experiences...not just this one.  It feels like at this point it is very clear to me that, any healthy relating is predicated on a healthy attention on my own energy...consistently...and turning toward whatever arises...otherwise, we are just shadow boxing with all the characters in life.  I would like to think it's possible to fully enjoy the gifts of the masculine/feminine dance externalized - and dance in the beauty of sharing without owning, controlling or projecting...and it's through the relating that we can unravel these things!

Open - I really appreciate you highlighting the energetics underpinning these things...I can completely relate with the energy you describe - it feels very accurate. Greatly appreciative for your reflections.

Rich and Erica, you both reflected or helped me inquire a bit deeper about the existential dread. The feeling is something that's been with me since childhood. It's the feeling of utter emptiness that I try to fill through the relationship, through friendships, through making plans. And perhaps it's worsened by intimate relationship because there is a greater awareness that it can not be resolved there. I have not at all gotten to that place in this experience...energetically it feels very healthy...but it could certainly go there without consciousness. Yeah, meeting this energy of being in the bottom of a pit ...which I could call seeming aloneness...the apparent isolation and lack of support......I imagine that alone can have powerful implications for healing expectations or loss of self. 

Thank you my friends - I am so grateful for your wisdom and shared experiences! Praying Emoji  And Rich - will be checking out your material and if this starts to wrap me up, I'll reach out!! Wink Emoji Loved what you said about authentic boundaries versus avoidance techniques and the importance of healthy honest communication and ownership of ones own distortions. 

Much love - Jen