Hi Alex,

My heart goes out to you. I've felt like a failure many times when I've pulled back, too fearful to go deeper. F___, it's so not easy! And for a good part of my life, I've often felt the need to go faster and better, which was a coping mechanism in my childhood and teenage years to both prove my worth and distract myself from the pain and the sadness of family dysfunction. Which I still do. at times. Thanks to Kim, my wonderful and stalwart coach, for helping me to realize this. Perhaps, deep down, you feel you must go faster and better like I do and then project that others are demanding this of you. I'm aware that I project this conditioned belief outwards whenever I feel that others are cracking the whip! All I see is a part of me. The outer mirror always reveals the state of my inner consciousness. I'm getting better at interrupting the blame game i.e. "You did this to me." How tempting is that ha!

Most of us have had strong and relentless societal conditioning around achieving outcomes and going full force to reach our goals. I experienced this recently while meditating, wanting desperately to stay in the Love/Light space I was feeling and kept losing due to distracted thoughts. And then feeling totally pissed off and frustrated. I go in and out of attachment to outcomes. I accept what Open says. That when we aim for enlightenment, we've already separated ourselves from Source. And, in general, when we try to control the flow, we separate ourselves from the divine flow. What a huge challenge that is. Letting go of control!

When all is said and done, what I truly feel is that we are all doing the best we can and that acceptance of where we're at, without judgment, is the key to letting the pain go. And there are no timelines to get to that space. Sometimes I resist. And sometimes I accept and find the doorway into the Light.

Take heart, my friend. As Open, says, it's not your fault. We're not to blame ourselves for our "shitty" conditioning, but we are responsible for letting it go. You've stepped up to the plate quite admirably. One day, you and I will look around and find that we're at Home Base.

Much Love to you,

x Catherine