On the first day we were invited to share what we expected from the retreat. I said I wanted to go deep. Then we were asked to think of situations when we got tight during the past year and I couldn't think of any real problem. It had been the best year of my (adult) life, I had been at peace with myself and in the flow and still was. So I floated comfortably on the surface.

On the second day, still no tightness. The others started sharing their fears and pain, tears flowed, the energy got denser. Still nothing of my own arose, except that I was aware all along that deep inside there was my source pain, the sadness, heaviness, longing and homesickness I had felt all my life. While listening to the sharings I felt such a pressure on my temples, though, that I had to keep my eyes closed, there was also a lot of pressure in my crown chakra. My energy was shooting our of my solar plexus.

I had felt the energy being sucked out of my solar plexus for the first time more than 20 years ago, a strong flow of energy creating chaos in and all around me. It had got softer over the years and had recently shifted to my heart chakra too. Although it wasn't as painful as it used to be, I still usually woke up several times during the night from this feeling. I needed an awful lot of sleep and lacked energy during the day.

Open said it was karma.

On the third day we were ready to confront our source pain. Open and the facilitators had created a space of intense energy and as a special guest we had the fallen Angel of Light to assist us on our journey. We had been placed in dyads, pairs sitting opposite each other, in a long row, an energy tunnel. We were invited to let ourselves to be led to a place and a partner. The energy was rising, outside a storm raging and rain battering on the glass roof. Open played a Joe Cocker song (if I'm right) and the line: "I've been waiting for this (...) all my life, O Lord" shot through me, whoosh .... and bang, right into the core of my being. O Lord, my soul had been yearning and aching for this all my life, my entire life! And I started to sob and sobbed and sobbed.

After that we sat down and Open led us through the energy bodies, starting at the base chakra. That one felt okay to me. I had calmed down again. Others started crying and sobbing. He proceeded to emotional traumas, and to make sure we didn't get away with anything, to the abuse of the Divine Feminine by the not-so divine masculine, as he put it. And the crying, wailing, groaning and sobbing rose like a tidal wave and filled the room full of women and two brave, strong and gentle men. I went deep, so deep and let it all out, doubled up on a cushion on the floor. Afterwards I felt so free and washed clean.

On the fifth day, New Year's Day, we were invited to go outside, freewheeling. I stepped out of the door of the retreat house and SAW the sun. it was shining brightly in an otherworldly light through the thick clouds. I stood motionless for nearly an hour, gazing at the Sun that was showed to me in this pristine light and beautiful dancing colours, stunned, amazed and awed, shivering. The people passing by were unaware of all this beauty in the sky.

The vision passed and I moved towards the gate leading to the main road. A friendly big man with a pendant hanging around his neck passed by me with a smile and entered the Chalice Well garden. Following him were a young couple with a muzzled Dalmatian tugging on its lead, also wanting to go into the garden. The energy of these three was dense, heavy and uncanny. They stood a few minutes there, then turned away and proceeded on the main road towards the spring house.

I turned on my steps and felt a pull to return to our meeting room. There I was able to witness Joanna's joy. She was sobbing and laughing, crying out: "I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I love you Open! I love you Penny! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!!!" She was lying on the floor and after a while she stood up on wobbly legs, not knowing
whether her feet would hold her, and was delighted as they did. She then sang her beautiful song in her heavenly voice, full of joy, and the tears were streaming down my face.

What a miraculous New Year's Day! On what a Magical Mystery Tour we have been taken! My heart is overflowing with gratefulness and love. Three rockets on New Year's Eve: Unconditional Love, Love and More Love. Yes! Yes! Yes! Eternal Love, All-encompassing Love, Sweet Mother Love, Divine Love, our Essence, LIFE!

I feel so blessed.