In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

You asked that question about my relationships and I read it at quite a particularly profound moment, If pain is where the spirit gets in then my relationships must have been created for the purpose of cracking me right open. There's been one big significant relationship in my life. The father of my child. I knew him for a long time as friends, before we got together, but when we did become a couple it ended up being a very traumatic relationship for us both. It ended nearly 18 months ago. We were both the love of each others lives for a time, but we opened up each others deepest insecurities. For me it ended in abandonment, that triggered my spiritual wake up call. My wake up call began a year or so before the relationship officially ended. It's a beautiful wonderful journey-full of heartache and joy and everything in between. It is lonely at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I miss him terribly at times. Sometime I think Im over him, and then I see him again when he visits our daughter-who is the most perfect wonderful little person-we share the wander of her together but from a respectful distance as we are no longer together and he's with someone else. The thing is I have experienced some profound moments of oneness with him. We both did-we are both mountaineers, and experienced some moments on top of mountains that were beyond time and space.

I know the only way forwards is to learn from this pain, to sink into it etc. I feel like we have known each other from way beyond this lifetime, and that maybe he was also built into my blueprint for some other reason. I have worked so hard on myself and will continue to do so... It's a hard heartbreak to work through. I will keep persevering through-and accepting. Im writing this at a time when Im feeling it quite strongly. It often doesn't feel quite so bad as it does today. Bad is a funny word to use. Its a double edged sword. Feeling so heartbroken also helps me feel closer to spirit / the big mystery somehow as well. More alive. Which is maybe what you mean above when you say "We're caused to confront and feel into the pain, to let go and transcend it. Thus the fragments of soul reintegrate and the karma dissolves.". I will keep trying. It seems to last forever! Ive been doing this my whole life in one form or another... this is the biggest heartbreak to date, but there have been a whole string of them. I have big heart. After all this it (my heart) still hasn't become hard... I am learning to be discerning, but I can still love with everything Ive got. I feel pain but I feel joy too. A pretty flower, or a news report can make me cry. A Coldplay song just made me bawl my eyes out! Any insights are welcome. I would love to find a way out of the heartbreak cycle, but I understand maybe this is happening for reason right now. Faye