‘I suddenly saw it very clearly and realized that this probably means that the noise problem at my house won’t resolve until I start listening to, trusting and cooperating with the flow, rather than ignoring it. But at the same time surrendering to the flow feels absolutely terrifying and I would much rather run away from the situation. To be continued….’.

Earlier in the year after the Bruges workshop, I already shared something about my insights around the mysterious problems with the central heating boiler of my downstairs neighbor, causing a loud banging in the shaft right next to my bed and thus sleepless nights. It is a long story, but in short I have been fighting with the housing company to fix the banging noise and it has been a journey to nowhere other than lots of frustration and anger on my end about their incompetence to solve the problem for almost 2 years now. The pattern is that it only occurs during the time of year when central heating is running and that the colder the outside temperature, the more banging. So after 6 peaceful months, now that the temperatures have dropped outside the banging has just started again this evening! As soon as I heard the first banging, my whole body contracted into tightness of anger and frustration, but perhaps if I sense beyond that there is a feeling of helplessness and desperation involved, that all my efforts so far have been completely fruitless and I might as well just give up even trying.

I reread Open’s response to my post at the time about the golden opportunity for a shift in consciousness, who suggested: ‘Remember it will show you one of three things (depending on where you are in that particular soul integration cycle):
1. Your distortion
2. Gifts of beingness wanting to breakthrough
3. Right Action to follow
At the time, it didn’t click which of the three things were applicable and by now I am still not sure the coin has dropped. And it is quite a challenge for me to stop my mind from wanting an answer or understanding of the situation (‘is this a sign that I need to move out?’ ‘is this a sign that I need to fight my case more firmly?’, etc.), which is probably a kind of resistance against really diving into all the overwhelming feelings that arise when I go feel into it (like seeing myself with a big axe completely destroying the central heating boiler of my downstairs neighbors, so that it will never be able to make a noise again, screaming so loud every time I hear the banging to that everyone else in the building has to wake up as well, or seeing myself crying without an end, because I am lost for anything left to do). At the same, time I can see how I have frequently in my life recreated this pattern of something from outside invading my home environment (in one case robbers with knives forcefully entering my bedroom at night when I was living in Africa), particularly my bedroom at night, over which I have little control, but is disrupting.

Today the frustration is somehow less strong than earlier in the year, yet the internal feelings that the situation arouses are much more present. Open you wrote:
‘Here's a golden opportunity - to take a real life challenge, and instead of trying to fix the circumstances (which are only the symptoms), work instead to unveil more highly evolved consciousness.’
I am still a little lost on this one in this situation…. Because I can see how attached I am to wanting to fix the circumstances to stop the banging noise at night and being able to sleep in my own bed. And my rational mind doesn’t believe that just breaking through all the feelings related to this situation could resolve the cause of the circumstances by itself (I keep thinking about your story with the empty fuel tank, that maybe it could be possible if I let go of the idea that it is not possible ☺). Am I missing something here? Or have I just hit another layer of the exploration from earlier this year?