Where to start on something that seems to be an age-old pattern that was again manifesting itself today, though at least I was able to from time to time take a step back and observe myself and feel into it. So there is this report that I have to write for a particular consulting assignment that is already long overdue because I have been procrastinating and which has been the main trigger for bringing up feelings and patterns that are oh so familiar. Although I have already worked through and released many old patterns, there seems to be something about writing and delivering reports that still pushes a lot of internal buttons resembling something like a panic attack. There is some kind of panic that the words might not come and thus that the report will not be completed, which comes with a lot physical tightness throughout my whole body (particularly tight shoulders, headache, hollow feeling in the stomach, shallow and tight breathing) and all sorts of crazy energies shooting through my body. And then of course all that tightness will further increase the fear about not being able to write in that state of being, making it feel like a downward spiral of increasing tightness that at some point almost becomes paralyzing (similar to when you have to get up early for something important, but then can’t sleep at night and start worrying about not being able to sleep, which then stops you from falling asleep, which then increases the worry, etc.). And then my pattern to find release from this tightness is to find distractions to take my attention away, such as eating something, checking whether I have new emails, searching the internet, coming up with something 'more important' to do first, cleaning up, etc. So far the only way I knew to work through this was the struggle of writing and eventually finishing the report (after which a big release would come) and therefore it was interesting to instead watch myself in these distractions that are almost automatic and seem quite compulsive and then try to not give into them. That meant the tightness would increase unbearably with my body twitching, strong purges of air, my arms feeling overenergized and needing to hit something to release the energy, and generally an incredible internal nervousness. How much easier it is to find release by just eating something or finding something interesting on the internet instead ☺! I remember similar feelings and patterns from the time I was writing my PhD thesis, so I wonder if this is still related to some trauma of that process, or perhaps I also manifested the PhD process as another karmic reflection of a deeper root pain related to writing 'academically'? Interestingly, I usually don’t have trouble delivering something through the spoken word (such as giving presentations), which I am sure would be much more nerve wrecking for many. But as soon as words have to be written down, there seems to be some kind of internal short-circuit happening.

So, I was asking myself what is the worst thing that can happen if no words/ideas come through and could then feel the incredible tightness around the answer ‘the report will never be written’. Oh my, there is some deep guilt and shame related to not delivering the report, which almost feels like a crime to be followed by capital punishment... And although I can reason that this makes no sense, the internal panic is so real. There is something about not delivering or failing intellectually meaning that I am in deep trouble... And this somehow spirals me into a pattern that feels like a kind of self sabotage into paralyzing tightness, with a deep root pain of different layers. I think I did make some steps in the right direction today, by stopping myself from going into my usual patterns of distractions a few times, but it feels like there are still some thick layers to breakthrough awaiting me.

I am feeling a little exposed and vulnerable, putting this out there, but perhaps there are others who recognize some aspects of these patterns, which seem crazy, yet so real when I am right in the middle of them.