As I was feeling into some strong internal energies today, it suddenly dawned to me that I am terrified of these energies and subconsciously suppress them as much as possible. In a way it feels as if I am suppressing my own strength out of fear, overwriting it with a more subdued version of myself, in other words as if I am suppressing myself. When I do allow the energy to rise, there is an incredible heat in my abdominal area, and all I can do is beating pillows, moving frantically, stamping the floor and making noise. Yet as soon as the fear interfers my body contracts, particularly in my shoulder area, and becomes very tense. At the same time there is a kind of grief, a grief of not belonging, particularly when I am with others who for example seem to sit in meditation peacefully, while for me energy is raging inside and it feels like expressing would be disruptive and making myself an ‘outcast’, who is not able to contain or control the energies. I can feel how there is a sophisticated internal system in place to control the strong energies, but also how more and more these strong energies and the control system are clashing internally, creating a lot of physical tension.