In reply to by Marye

Dear Anatoly, Vimal and Open,

Thanks for tuning into my post and your supportive words. Knowing that I am not alone is perhaps the biggest support in it all (which I of course already knew, but somehow good to have that reinforced…). And yes Anatoly I can really relate to being tired of my old self, but yet the new self seems to still be hiding from sight, leaving me in a kind of no man’s land, where the old self is still desperately looking for some kind of identity…

Vimal, I admire your dedication to the path no matter what. When you said ‘If following the journey means I will end up on the street, then so be it.’ I realised I am not fully there yet, I can still think of enough situations of which just the thought makes me cringe, let alone to sit in it.

Open, thanks for the suggestion of focusing on hopelessness. Actually yesterday after posting this and an insightful exchange with Jen, I realised that there is a lot of tightness for me around ‘letting people down’ or not being able to help/save them, which I suppose is a form of hopelessness, but that sometimes masquerades as fear of failure (as long as there is no other people involved I couldn’t care less about failing, but if my ‘failure’ means that people are let down that’s where the internal tightness starts). I bowed into these feelings of letting people down, which was quite painful, lots of grief, but left me feeling a lot better afterwards.