Following the Divinicus retreat last week, enjoying some time away in a cottage on a mountain, what was awaiting me upon my return, is dealing with my status and identity in systems, both of my birth country and the country where I have been for the past year, which has been pushing a lot of buttons, particularly creating anxiety. Anxiety of being punished by authorities, being deported, being forced to be tested or jabbed, etc. etc. On the side of where I am currently residing mistakes were made in the system due to which I was getting ‘stuck’ on any new applications. Thinking I resolved things today, to then realize that there is still another application that was already issued to me stuck in their system, that could cause trouble for future applications.

On the side of my birth country where I am currently still registered, there is a lot of grey areas with regards to whether I am still supposed to be registered in the system or not. With possible complications to both remaining registered or unregistering myself (reading about people who had to go to the counter for homeless people to be able to renew their passport after having been deregistered by the municipality) from the system, in such a way that it is hard to see the way forward. By changing my health insurance earlier this year, I actually myself caught the attention of the system now questioning me and needing me to take action by next week (I have been procrastinating on this for the past 2 months), otherwise I will be fined.

It feels like falling between the cracks of the systems, which for some reason triggers a lot of anxiety, probably about getting into trouble with authorities? The anxiety at the moment is very physical and my sense is that I am able to stay with the physical sensations better than before (still quite unpleasant!), but I still feel quite frozen on the way forward (and time is running out by now with regards to my birth country). Any reflections on this would be welcome! And wondering if there is any relation with BS energy here, given what Open wrote about earlier today?

Heart