Hey all!!

I'm with you, I jumped off the cliff awhile back, took a backward dive right off the solid rocks of my life. I'm almost always seemingly facing forward, so I figured backward works well. Lets try that!

I cant say for any certainty that I've landed exactly where I should be, but I can say I landed to a screeching halt, a skidding straight through the mud of my life. Those moments I notice always comes with a time standing still. I can see myself raising my head upwards and just breathing in. I get what was talked about here previously regarding music because its those moments too when the symphony of sounds cease, the drums stop beating, the spectrum of color all blends together. The dense viscosity of it obscures even the brightest of lights. It's like really thick mud that only has baseline sounds and texture. Or so thats how it feels to me.

Those honestly are the moments I treasure most because there is so much to learn from the muddyness of life. With my recent thud, I decided to change direction. It's like when all else fails just move forward. Just go even if I'm crawling, drudging through mud, just keep going. Dont stop. Just let it happen.

This is what I did. I woke up to a roomful of painted canvas wondering what am I supposed to do with all of this?! "Sell them," said the voice inside and I immediately ran towards a few lying haphhazardly on the floor and started hugging them while thinking "nope, not gonna happen! I lied, yup I lied..I cant do it, I cant sell them! These are part of me, these are an eloquence of my soul. I cant share this with more than what I have already done!" Then I laughed so hard, I just layed there on a bare floor hugging paintings and laughed. I've been laughing ever since! In between major panic and anxiety attacks that is. Several times Ive run out my front door to just go hug a tree (litterally) and feel dirt on my feet and hands.

But I know it's in this flying backward dive that I had done, to learn to trust my own road. That so far it has led me here and here is where I am and now I have begun the process of selling my paintings. It feels quite risky for me doing this, yet at least I am trying to see through the muddy viscosities of life and learn to just hover if not fly!
btw: just posting here brings me anxiety, but I'm going..Aint nothing stopping me now!
Much compassion and love to you all