Feeling invisible

Dear all,

Every time I read your open and honest sharings here, I feel so much gratitude! Gratitude for the resonance (and sometimes confrontation) of so many of your words with my own journey…. An encouragement to share more of my own journey with you! So here you go:

Reading the new 5 Gateways book, Open writes somewhere: ‘To some, it will feel as though you are being brought to the very edge of sanity….‘, which was somehow reassuring to read, because going through the many waves of density arising at my shores, I do sometimes feel as if I am losing my sanity, wondering who or what I am, whether I am actually anything at all, or whether I might just be an illusion, that I don’t really exist in the first place……

As I have been sharing in some of the other threads, I have been in between jobs for a while and struggling with the just being vs. feeling a pull to doing (which might just be a disguise of the ego). I have been exploring where this urge for doing comes from and realized that the ‘doing’ gives me a sense of being visible, whereas just being gives me a sense of being invisible. And diving into this sense of ‘being invisible’ feels absolutely excruciating. It is somehow linked to feeling isolated and lonely, of going unnoticed and unsupported, the feeling that my life doesn’t really matter, that there is no difference whether I am dead or alive, because I am invisible anyway. This is a feeling that has arisen in my life before (though I didn’t recognize it as being invisible at those times), and it would often give rise to questions such as ‘does my life really matter, or might I as well be dead?’ , ‘if I were to drop dead right now, how long would it take before anyone would notice?’. Being invisible feels very empty, without a good reason to continue living, and then at the same time as I am writing this, I am wondering whether it is mostly the ego suffering here…. That just being makes the ego feel invisible, on the verge of dead, so it creates this desperate urge to start doing and become visible again.

The good thing about it is that the feeling of being invisible is turning out to be a very effective tool for confrontation, just imagining being invisible immediately takes me into a very deep pain, a pain that feels like a bottomless pit….

with love and gratitude!

Comments

Hi Tulip,

great that you've shared your authentic feelings - always the first step to positive progress *OK*

I've worked with a lot of people who hit this point you describe - it's like a internal brick wall in the transition from a life led by doing, to a life inspired from authentic being.

And it's challenging to break down the patterns. It's a driving conditioned energy that you have to break. And there's no way around it but to 'sit in the cold-turkey' - like curing yourself of an addictive drug.

But sitting in this space and feeling the contractive pain does work. You just have to be persistent, courageous and committed. Go for it - you've everything to gain and only your ego to lose!

best wishes

Open *OK*

Dear Open,

Thanks for your response to my sharing! Cold turkey is a great analogy! Though cold turkey in this case feels like total apathy! So I guess that’s what I will have to sit in then….

Much love!

Thank you Tulip for sharing. I have asked the very same questions. I've sat on a cold turkey on a few situations. But somehow, there's always been a resolution masked in different forms (people, events, etc.). Looking back, I now think that there will be times when life becomes unbearable that we need to just go through with the flow. There will always be a way out- sometimes I tread with the flow, sometimes I just let go. When I travel and on a plane, I ask myself why am I still alive why some people die on plane crash all the time. I do wonder whether what I'm doing for a living (which is satisfying as I get the chance to help young people) is my purpose in life. One thing that I learned from Open is to feel ok in being- things will change as they always do. For now I'm somewhat ok. And that's ok too.

Hope you're doing ok with your cold turkey, Tulip. But seriously, I hope you're having some good turkey this thanksgiving holiday.