Getting back on track...at least...i try

Hi to you all,

glad to have found this site!
There are so many words inside my mind but i don't know where to start.
Oke, well, my (forum)name is Irisa and i'm saying hi from the Netherlands.

My journey started in 2004. I had just been on a trip to India/Nepal. Two days after coming home i had to work again. I could feel that relaxed feeling from the holiday already start to fade away and asked myself how i could keep this feeling. Well, i had just been to these beautiful countries and i thought: "What do they do over there?" Of course, meditate. But me? Meditating? I wouldn't tell anyone about this! I need to say: before all started i really had nothing going on with the spiritual. If anyone had told me before what was going to happen to/with me i would have laughed him/her in the face.

But oke, i tried to meditate late 2004. I sat down and listened to my own music, which wasn't really relaxing music. My way of meditating was trying to listen to only one instrument or tone in the music. It worked. Already the first time i was 'gone' for an hour. After the second or third time i fell asleep and had the most incredible dream. This dream was so clear and so special that it made me curious about it. Could this really be 'just another dream"? In this dream i lost my sight for 3 times, making me think i was turning blind. At the and of the dream i looked in a mirror and saw one of my eyes. The iris was pink instead of the blue-ish white (like from a blind eye) i expected to see.

From here the journey really started. I meditated only a few more times after this. Saw pictures during meditating. I was on the internet for hours, lurking information about the spiritual, about dreaming, dreamsymbols. I lay awake for about 2 hours every night before i fell asleep. As soon as i closed my eyes i saw pictures. I heard words, phrases. Sometimes, while lying in bed, it felt like i was hit by electricity.

I started writing poems, which just seemed to come out of nowhere. I would see a picture or think about a word and just had to sit down to write about it. Words started flowing and it would be hours later when the poem was finished. When i read it afterwards most of the time it made me cry.Often i had written answers to my own questions.

One afternoon i layed down on the couch, just to well, lay down. I didn't fall asleep but was in that strange state very quickly (just like i experienced hours before falling asleep at night). Suddenly my attention was pulled towards golden threads that were coming from lamp/light. The threads were very long. I stared at them for a while and a flame occured in them. From there my sight was pulled towards another spot in the livingroom. There i saw sort of an orb. This also contained sort of a flame and a face started to appear in it. A face of a man.

I used to turn red in my face almost everytime i talked to someone, but this just had vanished. I felt good. I was in the moment. I broke up with a guy. The way i handled my emotions was very surprising to me. I just went through it.
And I had sooo much energy.

But...unfortunedly...i was slowly building up fear. Fear of the unknown. Because...what else would come to me? What more would i start to see or hear? Back then i had found a forum to write about these experiences, which felt very good. But friends and family had nothing to do with this. Sometimes i would tell someone about it, but the reactions mostly were not what i needed. So i think i started to block things. The dreaming went on for a while. And till now every now and then a clear dream comes to me.Like last night. The last few weeks i'm asking myself if the things i'm experiencing for a while now could have to do with Kundalini. Last night then i dreamed about a large snake, mouth wide open...so yes, i think it could be about Kundalini...and fear....:-(

In about 5 years i fell on my back several times. After the last time i fell things started turning. I no longer could do my job.I had to find a new one. Every time i was talking to someone and would start a phrase with "i" i started crying and just couldn't stop.

A few months ago i had a back-massage. The woman started talking about the rootchakra. That's were i started to read again. About the chakra's, about the spiritual. I think my body is letting me know that work needs to be done. A few weeks after this massage my symptoms were getting worse and worse. (neck, upperback, shoulders) The pain i could handle, but my sight got blurry, sometimes it would feel like i wasn't here totally.I went to an osteopath. After two treatments one day i was cycling home. I had the feeling of low Sugar and ate something. But the feeling didn't go away. It felt like the trembling when low in Sugar but when i stood stillmy fingers weren't trembling but i felt huge vibrations i my whole body. I wanted to stop somewhere but i didn't, because i was afraid that if i would sit down to rest i just would pass out or loose it all. I just went on cycling, saying to myself that it was alright. A few kilometers further there was a moment where i touched my hair with my hand. While doing this it was like i lost it for a moment. It felt like i went out of my body. The feeling of shock made that i could go on. Once at home, i started to feel better during the evening. The treatments from the osteopath do work. But i still experience strange things. One evening i sat on the couch and alle of a sudden huge energy is going through my arms. I also have spasms of my arms while in a relaxed mode. I try not to be scared of it, but try to accept it. Somehow i just know that physically nothing is really wrong. I had several scans and tests and they showed nothing wrong.

So....a long story...
I just feel i need to go back on that path again. While writing this last sentence i get emotional. I think, it really is time...:-)...to get back on track. Because in 2004 in got to know the real me...with all possibilities...with so much energy...with the writing, the dreaming...and i loved it so much!!! It had been an amazing roller coaster ride....a fairy tale...

But i can't do it all alone...so, here i am...hoping to find some encouragement here;-), which i already found a little...while reading other peoples stories.

Have a nice day!
Love, Irisa

Comments

Hi Irisa,

Congratulations for diving back into it. I remember when I first embarked on the spiritual path in this lifetime, I had phases when I was really into it and phases when the interest went. I guess what's important is the self awareness.

It's a tough path go get into, the path of self realisation, so I can understand that there is fear coming up. Like you say, the unknown can be a scary thing. It's the fear that we won't be the same person - or perhaps a better way of saying would be - it's a fear that parts of our identity, which we may be attached to, will be lost.

So, to offer encouragement - Firstly, I promise you, no matter how hard this path gets, no matter how down in your stuff you seem to be - the lightness and sense of being that emerges from it is well worth it.
Secondly - here is a community of non-judgmental, compassionate people. You can post anything on this forum and know that people will understand. Welcome!

best wishes,

Richard

Hi Irisa

I really enjoyed reading your journey. Sounds like things are stirring and energy is moving. I have found at this stage of the journey, deep relaxation is key. And yes spasms, shakes and other spontaneous movement will arise - it's all good. Try not to fear these things, as more energy is infused it will work to clear blockages so you may find unusual feelings and experiences arise. It's great to work on the fear of the unknown, being aware that the fear is there is key.

The snake dreams are often indicative that kundalini is stirring. I remember a recurring dream - a huge cobra trying to squeeze itself under my bedroom door - each dream it would get closer until it finally made it through and with that the kundalini activated. Nothing to fear. Tune in to your guidance it's there for you - trust and surrender. Do share if you feel to, it can help to alleviate worries or just share experience.

Much love katie

In reply to by Richard W

Hi Richard,

my first response right now was to say sorry for such a late response but i'm not going to say sorry ;-)
I've read the replies to my story earlier, still was full of so many thoughts and still didn't really know what to say, how to respond.
This morning i had sort of a little eyeopener.

After sharing my story here i thought that was a good beginning, expecting more to come, expecting to feel better....but i didn't and nothing came along.
Well, nothing...i think i wanted good things to come. Instead though i felt even worse. Physically and mentally.
I went to a doctor and a specialist. They are going to do a nerve-test. It still takes some time, but it feels good that they take it seriously...take me seriously.
In my job i seem to only run into people acting difficult. Shouting at me, not listening to me and so on, making me feel smaller and smaller. When i shout back, i'm the one saying sorry afterwards though the other one doesn't say he's sorry.
I recently started a two year course for my job, which is going to be very tough for me, mostly as a person. I have to confront different situations but mostly myself. But this is oke. I want and need to learn as a person, for myself.
The last weeks, when i passed a difficult situation and think i can finally breath, the next difficulty shows.I feel like being put i a corner and the corner is getting smaller and smaller. I feel like screaming.
This morning, while waking up, i had a little conversation going on in my head that all of a sudden made me cry. It made me think of a dark night of the soul so i started reading about it (though i know what it means).
It is like, when i would be in a bottle, there's only one way to get out...but this way is very narrow.
The last weeks i have so many thoughts in my head...like every thought i had during my life is popping up in my mind again. Like my head is going to explode. A bit like a vulcano, though i'm not really mad.
Well, while reading about the dark night again i now realised myself (again) that it's all good. I probably run into these difficult situations because i want change...
It all seems so simple, if only i weren't human hahaha.
I do love times like these though, were you suddenly 'see'...

You wrote: "The fear of not being the same person..." Yes. There is this feeling that if i have the courage to be the one i really want to be, i have to say goodbye to a huge part of me...With this it feels like i then also say goodbye to my family and friends...Which is not true, but it somehow just feels like that. Maybe it's only because this huge part of me is the part i'm used too...which is so familiar and like a friend to me...only, it no longer serves me. I could live with 'it' longer...of course, but i want to be really myself and that huge part of me is not my real self but all i took with me and learned from others during life till now...my Ego...

Knowing is one thing...

Thank you for your words of encouragement!
Irisa

In reply to by Kd1

Allthough somewhere deep inside i 'know', somewhere on the road i loose trust. It's good then to read here the words of encouragement from others...so thank you!

It feels like there are two sides to it. On one it is indeed good to try not to fear, but to me right now fearing seems to be of help. Because all those feelings and thoughts of fear and discouragement made me feel worse and worse till i got to the point of wanting to scream, wanting to get 'out of this'.
But maybe this only does work like this when you want something to change...

I love dreams! At the time of your recurring cobra-dreams where you already aware of what they meant?

I did have 3 dreams i a row, before i started to get to know the spiritual.There were weeks in between.
In these 3 dreams i was driving in my car, going to beach. I was looking for a parking space. In the first one i found a parking space but had to walk for some time in order to reach the beach. On the beach then is a wooden house on poles and i enter it. Once in it (there is one other woman, unknown to me)i stand in front of a window and see a tidal wave coming. I'm afraid...the tidal wave hits the house, but the house still stands after it...
In the next dream i find parking place closer to the beach and in the third i find one just next to the beach. The rest of the dream was the same.
My (sort of) awakening took place around the time of the tsunami in 2004, so it really felt like something big and special.
I've had several dreams that tended to come true somehow several years later. Funny, but it also makes me want to look at all my past dreams again to see if there are also things in them i hope won't happen...:-)

Curious for new dreams...time to get out of my comfort zone...

Thanks again,
Irisa