Hannah's sharings

I felt like starting a thread of my own, as I'm really confused about how to proceed with what is unfolding for me, so maybe sharing helps to unwind the confusion.

A few days ago a truth bomb shattered a layer of identification. I think most people, myself included, believed I am a sensitive, meek and shy person. I am wondering if there is still some truth in that, but I realised I was hiding behind this 'vulnerable girl' image to cover up the rather dissociated, manipulative 'narcisstic' layer that is behind that. I find myself suddenly in a state where I'm almost completely devoid of emotion, or at least compared to how I was before. I do see this was already there in the background, but that a deep shame kept me from being honest and expressing it. 

I felt like going crazy for a few days, but at the same time there was also an incredible sense of lightness. I'm trying to work with the shame and just honestly express about this newly emerged side, although it's not pretty.         

Comments

Hi Hannah,

Great that you've started this thread here - it's always going to help the integration process to express Thumbs Up Sign

I can feel what you're pointing to in this new state - I recognised a strength and depth of "isness" in it before. It sounds like there's a great truth in it. What effect do you notice happens when you express it?

In support

Open OK Hand Sign

Hey Open, 

Thank you for responding! Yes, I finally feel the value of sharing, it helps to keep the momentum going and not get locked into the old again. Guess there's a time for everyting. Smiling Face with Closed eyes

This emerging side was already quite present in relationship, although often in a distorted, agressive form. But still, expressing it - distorted or aligned - makes me feel incredibly strong and fired up. And yes it feels quite right, sometimes even a surreal feeling arises when I'm fully in it. I'm also able to see now when I want to retreat back into the vulnerable child act, especially after I expressed myself more agressively and get some backlash. I feel there's a lot of balancing out to do (guess it's the dance between ray 1 & 2). 

Praying EmojiHeart