Marye's ponderings

Like some other Openhanders, I felt to start my own thread here on the forum, to share some of my experiences and feelings that don’t necessarily relate to a recent thread, but which I would like to express anyhow. So here we go!

Comments

This morning my attention was drawn to ‘come and join me this week in the Netherlands’ on Facebook and I suddenly got this strong pull to last minute sign up for some spiritual workshop, that synchronistically has the following introduction on their website ☺:
“You are on the edge of your greatest breakthrough. This is a time of Awakening! If you are tired of the old you, using old tools and following old patterns please join us to see what is possible!”

It is starting tomorrow morning and therefore I am spending the night at the workshop venue, some conference center somewhere in the middle of the forest. On my way there this evening, after a 1.5 hour train journey, I ended up with the choice of either having to wait for 45 minutes for the next bus or use my fold up bike that I brought along for the last 11 km to the venue. I chose the latter option, but little did I know that after the first km, the next 8km would be an unlit road through the forest. Yet, by the time the street lighting stopped, I didn’t really feel like turning around either, so I continued my journey into the darkness, which became an interesting exploration.

There I was alone in the complete darkness on my little fold-up bike (which looks like a circus bike and requires good balance), whose lights were only faintly lighting up the dashed white line in the middle of the cycle path as my point of reference, which though well asphalted was also full of acorns and autumn leaves that would easily throw the little wheels of my bike out of balance. As soon as I entered the darkness all kind of conditioned programming/tightness around fear started popping up in my mind, ‘are you crazy?’, ‘what if I get a flat tyre halfway?’ ‘what if I crash into an obstacle I can’t see in the dark?’ ‘my mom would be terrified if she would see me here’, ‘what if I get raped?’. etc. etc., yet at the same time I was relaxed and fully surrendered to my journey through the dark. Fully focused, balanced and trusting, I was effortlessly being carried through the darkness without having to put any effort; it literally felt like breaking through the darkness on my bicycle!

‘I suddenly saw it very clearly and realized that this probably means that the noise problem at my house won’t resolve until I start listening to, trusting and cooperating with the flow, rather than ignoring it. But at the same time surrendering to the flow feels absolutely terrifying and I would much rather run away from the situation. To be continued….’.

Earlier in the year after the Bruges workshop, I already shared something about my insights around the mysterious problems with the central heating boiler of my downstairs neighbor, causing a loud banging in the shaft right next to my bed and thus sleepless nights. It is a long story, but in short I have been fighting with the housing company to fix the banging noise and it has been a journey to nowhere other than lots of frustration and anger on my end about their incompetence to solve the problem for almost 2 years now. The pattern is that it only occurs during the time of year when central heating is running and that the colder the outside temperature, the more banging. So after 6 peaceful months, now that the temperatures have dropped outside the banging has just started again this evening! As soon as I heard the first banging, my whole body contracted into tightness of anger and frustration, but perhaps if I sense beyond that there is a feeling of helplessness and desperation involved, that all my efforts so far have been completely fruitless and I might as well just give up even trying.

I reread Open’s response to my post at the time about the golden opportunity for a shift in consciousness, who suggested: ‘Remember it will show you one of three things (depending on where you are in that particular soul integration cycle):
1. Your distortion
2. Gifts of beingness wanting to breakthrough
3. Right Action to follow
At the time, it didn’t click which of the three things were applicable and by now I am still not sure the coin has dropped. And it is quite a challenge for me to stop my mind from wanting an answer or understanding of the situation (‘is this a sign that I need to move out?’ ‘is this a sign that I need to fight my case more firmly?’, etc.), which is probably a kind of resistance against really diving into all the overwhelming feelings that arise when I go feel into it (like seeing myself with a big axe completely destroying the central heating boiler of my downstairs neighbors, so that it will never be able to make a noise again, screaming so loud every time I hear the banging to that everyone else in the building has to wake up as well, or seeing myself crying without an end, because I am lost for anything left to do). At the same, time I can see how I have frequently in my life recreated this pattern of something from outside invading my home environment (in one case robbers with knives forcefully entering my bedroom at night when I was living in Africa), particularly my bedroom at night, over which I have little control, but is disrupting.

Today the frustration is somehow less strong than earlier in the year, yet the internal feelings that the situation arouses are much more present. Open you wrote:
‘Here's a golden opportunity - to take a real life challenge, and instead of trying to fix the circumstances (which are only the symptoms), work instead to unveil more highly evolved consciousness.’
I am still a little lost on this one in this situation…. Because I can see how attached I am to wanting to fix the circumstances to stop the banging noise at night and being able to sleep in my own bed. And my rational mind doesn’t believe that just breaking through all the feelings related to this situation could resolve the cause of the circumstances by itself (I keep thinking about your story with the empty fuel tank, that maybe it could be possible if I let go of the idea that it is not possible ☺). Am I missing something here? Or have I just hit another layer of the exploration from earlier this year?

Hi Tulip - always work to accept that you manifested the situation for a reason - your consciousness created it. The question is why?

These words jumped right out..."being able to sleep in my own bed". What does that mean exactly? I mean besides the obvious. What happens to you when you go to sleep - do you know?

So you don't like the banging. But what if in going to sleep you become so unconscious that other unwanted energies easily invade your space (the banging is metaphoric of what's taking place in the field).

Most people have to sleep because they generally live their lives so out of alignment with their true self, that is builds stress and they have to zone out. Their soul literally vacates the body. Which means all manner of malevolent energies can enter (other synchronicities and metaphors suggest your 'space' is being invaded).

So maybe the banging is teaching you to sleep in a different way. Which is to work more to relax and let go, but without completely going unconscious and vacating. Maybe that's why you manifested it?

Open *OK*

Hi Open,

Wow, thanks for your feedback! Of all the possibilities as to why I am manifesting this situation, the last thing that would have ever crossed my mind is that it could have to do with sleeping differently! Actually, I don’t think I have ever wondered about what ‘sleeping’ really means, but now that I pondered about what you wrote, perhaps I can relate to becoming unconscious when I sleep. My usual sleeping pattern is that at some point “fall asleep” and then wake up about 7-8 hours later without any recollection of what happened in between (and thus very rarely do I remember my dreams). Occasionally, I have nights during which I am somehow half aware/awake, but I always considered them as my ‘bad’ nights, during which I didn’t get a proper sleep ☺.

After I posted my message here (but before I read your response), I decided not to run away and sleep on the floor in the living room, but rather face the challenge of sleeping with the banging disruptions. It became an interesting night, I got woken up a few times by the banging, but there was more surrender to it (rather than the usual anger and frustration about being woken up by it) and I could feel this interesting burning sensation in my body, which felt a bit like something was dissolving/burning away in the heat (that’s the best I can explain the feeling).

Reading your response has left me a little puzzled about sleeping though. You wrote: ‘to sleep in a different way. Which is to work more to relax and let go, but without completely going unconscious and vacating.’ This sounds easy, but I am not sure how I stop myself from going unconscious and vacating, if that’s what I have been doing all along. Are there any tricks to sleep in a different way?

Goodnight!

Just to put things in context, I hardly ever sleep at all. Not in the sense of going 'unconscious'. I think sleep is very much misunderstood and very much a part of the matrix system. It's my view that people have to sleep because of stress - caused by matrix lifestyles that are misaligned with the flow (or it could also happen in someone whose very aligned, but working intensely hard to help field realignment to occur).

The problem with 'sleep' (where you go unconscious) is that when you 'vacate the body', it leaves you wide open to intervention interference from dense energies in the field - or just incongruent eddy currents in the field. Ones that sink into your own field and so can be difficult to 'see' during waking hours - the spurious vibe just becomes a part of the accepted psyche (which causes more stress and then the need for more sleep).

What's really needed are longish periods of deep relaxation, unwinding and realignment. This could most effectively replace 'sleep' and you'd find yourself more aligned, peaceful, rested and vibrant in the process.

So at the time you'd usually go to bed, instead of simply letting yourself go unconscious, spend time consciously working on unwinding, relaxing and letting go. Begin in the crown and work down through your entire body. After that, continually seek out areas of tightness and work into them, using awareness to unravel them. I often easily spend the whole night doing this, which leads to deep peace and relaxation - plus a fully infused soul.

It does take a lot of mastering. In the beginning there will still be a strong tendency to fall asleep. And when you do manage to stay awake, you may have to fight against things like boredom. But when you truly find the aligned state, then you sink into the moment of now, so any sense of boredom slips away.

To me, this is truly 'sleeping' - in the sense of deep relaxation and rejuvenation (and you find yourself eventually not needing anywhere near the number of hours).

Open :-)

Hi Tulip,

I'm finding this thread fascinating. You've inspired me to explore my own sleeping patterns and what it means to be conscious during the night, so thank you.

I can't help but notice the synchronicity with where Openhand has been, as in 'sleepless in Seattle' - he he

Would you be interested in starting a joint forum topic with me where we each post our explorations and invite others to join in or share insights?

Best wishes,
Richard

Dear Open and Richard,

Open, thanks for your insights about how to sleep differently! I had never imagined that sleep could be part of the matrix, still have to let that one sink in. Already since you made the suggestion about sleeping differently, I have been more observant about the way I sleep. An interesting exploration that I can see will indeed require a lot of mastering! I already noticed how it can get boring after a while and how I eventually fall asleep at some point ☺…

Richard, I am glad to hear that my exploration has also inspired others to explore their sleeping patterns more closely. I love the idea of starting a joint forum topic with you to explore this further and see if others want to join with their sleep explorations as well! Amazing to see how my exploration about the banging heating boiler from my downstairs neighbour can result in a sleep forum on the OH website ☺. As it was your idea, may I suggest you kick-off the new topic?

With love!

Wow thank you for sharing Tulip. I was told by Michelle to check this thread out because I too have had issues with sleep. Mine has been waking at 4am nearly every day for the last few months for no reason at all. Then I get  tight from worrying that I won't have enough 'energy' for the day and usually I'm totally fine but every so often it becomes unbearable and I feel really cranky. Yet after reading Open's reply - I reflected on the times that I'm cool about the early start and go for a 4am walk round the lake or meditate deeply  and then the energy I have for the rest of the day is insane- like I'm on fire yet super calm and in the flow.  The issue I have is a belief system I've acquired from a teacher of Chinese medicine who said that - lack of sleep causes your jing to deplete and jing is your irreplaceable life force (form of Qi). So this translated to my subconscious that without sleep I will die quicker - haha.
Fun sleeping explorations to be had.
Richard I'm not so good at navigating this website yet, please could you post a link to your sleeping exploration forum on this thread so I can join too :)
With love and gratitude to you all
Etta
X

On Saturday morning as I was getting into one of my local organic shops, I noticed the lady selling the street newspaper for homeless people, who stands there more often next to the entrance. As I walked in I pondered what a life it is to be standing there at subzero temperatures just waiting the whole day for someone to buy a newspaper from you. As I got out of the shop I felt a pull to buy one, so I tried to find out the price from her and as she didn’t seem to speak Dutch or English, she pointed at the €2 written on the front page. I ended up giving her €5 instead. When I gave her the €5 a big smile appeared on her face and as I walked off to my bike she folded her hands into namaste/prayer as her way of communicating ‘thank you’. As I drove off on my bicycle she smiled at me and waved me goodbye….

As I left her behind, I contemplated on the encounter that was worth much more than the €5 that I gave her. In the past I used to be uncomfortable to connect with beggars and homeless people and because of that would avoid making eye contact, as if they weren’t actually there. These days I do make an effort to at least make eye contact and smile at them as another human being, but I can feel there is still a slight discomfort in doing so and that sometimes just pretending they are not there is still easier (and I am sure I am not the only one to do so). So the encounter left me wondering about the discomfort (tightness) and I realized that somehow for me connecting with beggars or homeless people is a confrontation with a sense of helplessness and that pretending they are not there is just a way of running away from that confrontation. Helplessness in the face of the state that the world is in, that even in a developed and prosperous country like the one I live in, there is a level of acceptance and tolerance that there are people standing in the freezing cold like that… When I think of all the people in this world that are living under similar or worse circumstances, my heart breaks and I feel so small in the light of it, because whatever I do will only be a tiny drop in a vast ocean, as I simply can’t manage to buy a newspaper of all the homeless people in this world or offer all of them shelter in my house (however much I would like to!). So perhaps the best I can do is to warm up this lady in the freezing cold a bit with her own smile….

Somehow it is a small reflection of similar, but more overwhelming, helplessness that I feel about the state that the planet is in. When I think of the tolerance for what is being done to GAIA, my heart breaks even more, because I feel there is so little I can do to reverse it. Yes, I can try and make my small contribution through the way that I live my life consciously with regards to the planet and the environment, but what difference does that really make against the huge destroying impact that is caused elsewhere by ignorant companies, governments and individuals. I realized that ignoring things or pretending they are not there (like with the lady selling the street newspaper for homeless people) has been a strategy in my life to disconnect myself from things that seem too overwhelming or painful. So when I do make a conscious effort to re-connect with them, the discomfort (tightness) is the confrontation with the painful feelings (in this case of helplessness).

I am not exactly sure what it is that I am really trying to say above and normally I then wouldn’t be comfortable posting it here (there is a sense of vulnerability in there), but I guess the point is just to share it anyhow, as everyone who reads this will resonate with it in a different way anyway.

Such a lovely sharing Tulip - it reminds me of the starfish story...

Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions.

Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching. As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea. The boy came closer still and the man called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young boy paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can’t return to the sea by themselves,” the youth replied. “When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water.”

The old man replied, “But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I’m afraid you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.”

The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it as far as he could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!”

(adapted from The Star Thrower)

Blessings

Open :-)

Hi Tulip,
I read your thoughts and felt pulled to reply, though now that I open the comment box, I'm not sure what it was that I wanted to say...

Something in your words resonated strongly. I know that feeling of discomfort when confronted with beggars or homeless people, and your thought about this discomfort stemming from a feeling of helplessness kind of made a light dawn on me. Sounds as though it fits. Or is at least part of it.

Thanks for the insight.

So maybe I can in return give you this -

As for feeling small and powerless, unable to make a difference, here's something that I read a while ago, something that also resonated strongly, and something that picks me up every time I feel small and powerless and unable to make a difference:

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a locked room with a mosquito.

:-)

Love,
Heike

In reply to by Marye

Hi Tulip, what you did was beautiful, for what you did for this lady was give her hope, hope that there are people like you in this world that help people like her. Tulip, I help homeless people as often as I can, it does not stop you from that feeling you could have done more, but when you replace that feeling with the one you just experienced by help this lady, the Starfish story makes a lot of since. And you well be the little boy who made a difference to that person. Your sharing here will in turn reach others here and just maybe some of the people here will do the same thing you did and than there will be more out there like the lady you helped knowing that hope is still possible. Thank you for your kindness and sharing. I believe, because of this action you will change the way you look at the homeless and remember, every little action is a big action when it is right in front of you. For when in right in front of you that is all you can see.

Much Love
Charlie

Hi Tulip,

Thank you for the wonderful sharing. I'm only a couple of days back in the city and had noticed the number of people begging on the streets. Yesterday as I walk past them I feel pain and sadness, though I continue on walking sublty avoiding the reality of it.

Today, I past someone on the street with his head down and inspired by your post I feel to connect and offer him some change. He turned and looked up at me, his eyes were so beautiful and deep and his face lit up with a smile, we exchanged a few words and I could feel that this simple exchange had altered something inside both of us (at least in those few moments).

I love the Starfish story and I also contemplate Tulip, that through your vulnerablity in sharing your story, you inspired me to pause and connect with another person and so a ripple effect has happened. We just never know the impact of our expressions.

Here is another story that deeply touches me regarding the powerful impact of being vulnerable and connecting with others - http://blueribbonstory.org/blueribbonstory/

Keep shining and inspiring Tulip (f)

With love, Fiona

Dear Fiona, Open, Heike and Charlie,

I am touched by your responses to the story I posted yesterday. It always amazes me that even if I can’t necessarily get my own head around what it is that I am trying to say (and therefore even consider not posting it at all), it can still have a ripple effect to others who will pick something from it. So thank you for reflecting that back to me and offering me your thoughts in return.
Heike, thanks for your resonance and for the quote you shared,
Charlie, thanks for reminding me that ‘For when in right in front of you that is all you can see’,
Fiona, thanks for passing the generosity on and reminding me that we never know the impact of our expressions,
Open, thanks for the starfish story, which I have come across before, but that indeed relates well to what I shared.

Somehow the analogy of the starfish story really hit home in terms of what I shared and helped me to make more sense of it all. As I was reading the story, I immediately saw myself running around frantically on this beach with the tens of thousands of starfish trying to throw all of them back in the sea as quickly as possible before the sun would come out and make them die. That image typifies me and my life in so many ways. Where the boy in the story puts his attention on the starfish that he saved, all my attention would just be focused on the starfish still on the beach that I hadn’t saved yet, which is where the feeling of helplessness (and at the same time perhaps a sense of failure) comes in, because I would never be able to save them all.

I can see there is also a link here to my tendency to ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’, because there is an unconscious conviction as well as a sense of guilt that I can’t just ‘be’ there on the beach, while all these starfish around me dying, and ‘do’ nothing. And even if I were to take a moment to pause from the franticness and just ‘be’ there on the beach (say I would sit there and meditate), the sight of the starfish around me dying would probably be too overwhelming and painful. And this is where I have learned to disconnect (and what perhaps has become a coping strategy); by being on the beach and just pretending that the dying starfish are not there at all, that’s how I have managed to cope living in this world without getting overwhelmed by the pain of living in this world.

I can sense how reconnecting to the image of myself on the beach with the starfish that I can’t possibly all throw back into the sea, can serve as a powerful tool for me to dive deeper into the underlying feelings. There is a whole bag of mixed emotions of tears, sadness, anger and guilt in there… If only more people like this boy were to unite their efforts, we could easily save all the starfish on the beach from dying!

Thanks for your reflections and love to all!
Marije

Dear Marije,

Beautiful exploration, thank you for sharing. The mixed emotions that you feel, to me, reflect your compassion and desire for change and in expressing send the ripples out... and the universe of course responds - beautiful.

It only takes one stone (or starfish) to create a whole lot of ripples :-)

Like you, when I interact with the microcosm, I feel the energy of the macrocosm and it so often feels so sad, unjust and so I feel into it and process, find the place of truth and then allow the new energy to express in the microcosm.

So lovely that you are on the facilitators course and will be able to offer your energy and gifts forward - to weave your part in helping more people to unite, it all starts with us :-) Wishing you love.

And Dear Fiona, the blue ribbon touched me deeply, thank you for sharing, with love

Michelle x

Dear Michelle,

Nice to connect here and thank you for reflecting the word ‘uniting’ back to me, which somehow strikes a deep chord within!

Love,

Marije

Hi,

I have a tendency/urge to yawn a lot during energy work and Open you mentioned to me at some point that this can be a way of hovering the energy field. Sometimes the pressure gets so strong that rather than yawning it more becomes like a purging gag reflex, kind of like vomiting air (energy?) that seems to move all the way from my base chakra up to my throat. Open, I think you mentioned something about this possibly being emotional energy? Usually this happens a few times and then afterwards it feels like quite a release, but at the moment it is coming in stronger and more frequent waves that sometimes seem to be without an end if I let it. Even when I sit down to meditate or do some yoga, I end up mostly purging air. And if I stop the reflex from coming, for example because it is inappropriate for the situation I am in, it can internally feel like a pressure cooker, particularly in my shoulders and chest area. I am very curious now about what is exactly happening when I yawn or purge and whether there are other people who recognize this?

Moreover, at the moment, when there is little distraction, there is this loud buzzing going on in my head and when I tune into it, I start feeling nausea. Yesterday, I sat with it and I think I removed a relatively small implant from my right jaw (there was a relaxed tingling sensation all over my body immediately after), but then I could also feel something attached to the top back of my head, like two wires, one on each side, and I don’t think I managed to deal with that yet.

Love,

Marije

Hi Marije,

I regularly burp as part of the energy clearing process. Sometimes I yawn too. It feels beneficial for me and whatever energy I'm working with to do so, though somewhat awkard if as you state it's inappropriate for the situation.

Speak soon, Love Fiona

Hi,

Thanks Fiona for your response! Since posting the message above, the purging and buzzing further increased up to a point that I felt like a pressure cooker about to explode. Functioning ‘normally’ this week without purging air in the presence of colleagues was quite a challenge and there were several points at which I felt like I was going mad. Weird pressures in my head and shoulders and yesterday it felt like the right top part of my head was breaking open. It felt like my body didn’t have enough capacity for the energy to come through all at once (again the feeling my body would explode), but then by not letting it all through at once the pressure was building up to quite an unbearable level.
There was clearly some resistance to the risk of explosion and going mad, and thus a certain level of control involved in keeping things manageable. At some point during a run/walk in the forest I pondered on this need for control and realized that it stems from a fear of being controlled (though I know that my soul cannot be controlled….). If I were to completely allow the strong energy to flow through me, it feels like I could easily end up momentarily convulsing, purging and moving uncontrollably on the floor in a manner that the matrix could decide I am a ‘mad woman’ that needs to be contained (e.g. institutionalized, drugged against my will, etc.). Being controlled feels very power/helpless and the same time there is anger/rage about it. Actually this week when I went ecstatic dancing, anger around controlling distorted masculine energy was coming up on the dance floor, particularly triggered by the behavior of a certain male character on the dancefloor. The word ‘seduction’ kept on popping up in reference to his behavior, which to me has a quality to it that is controlling and not authentic...

Today I woke up still feeling the pressure cooker, but the pressure has somehow gradually subsided, although I am not really sure how or due to what, there wasn’t a clear observable point of release. I do know I feel so much better and relaxed now, I can feel there is still some pressure and buzzing going on, but of a manageable, rather than overwhelming, level.

No matter how much I have already explored the Openhand website, there are always still new gems to discover, like this thread that popped up when I searched for Openhand and pressure cooker on Google ☺:
https://www.openhandweb.org/mastering_art_containment
With the experiences from the past week this was a very useful read, though I am still not sure what to do when the energy becomes simply too much to contain, as it felt this week? (Mmm, I can already feel a suggestion for martial arts or kickboxing coming again :)

Love,

Marije

P.S. Yesterday, as I followed the flow cycling to someone’s place in an unfamiliar town, I synschronistically passed a company called ‘Align’ ☺.

Hi Open,

Just coming back from Burkina Faso yesterday, I have a question about long-distance traveling and energy fields and the impact this has on us. I realise that I have frequently fallen ill just before or after traveling long distance across continents in the past. Today I can also feel that internally there is a lot of energetic shifting going on that is difficult to contain and feeling a little crazy (I imagine in the past when I was less aware of all the energetic stuff going on, I would have been physically ill by now). I guess airports and air travel are already a little straining on the system, but I am just wondering what the impact is of moving from quite different energy fields (e.g. Africa vs. Europe) on our system? Like, am I now processing some of the stuff that I might have picked up in Africa, or is my system rather readjusting itself to the European vibe? Also when I went to Burkina Faso things felt quite turbulent internally for about 2-3 days and after that I felt fine, so I am imagining the same thing is now happening in reverse? I would be interested to hear your perspective on this and perhaps your own experiences with all the traveling that you do.

Love,

Marije

Hi,

Where to start on something that seems to be an age-old pattern that was again manifesting itself today, though at least I was able to from time to time take a step back and observe myself and feel into it. So there is this report that I have to write for a particular consulting assignment that is already long overdue because I have been procrastinating and which has been the main trigger for bringing up feelings and patterns that are oh so familiar. Although I have already worked through and released many old patterns, there seems to be something about writing and delivering reports that still pushes a lot of internal buttons resembling something like a panic attack. There is some kind of panic that the words might not come and thus that the report will not be completed, which comes with a lot physical tightness throughout my whole body (particularly tight shoulders, headache, hollow feeling in the stomach, shallow and tight breathing) and all sorts of crazy energies shooting through my body. And then of course all that tightness will further increase the fear about not being able to write in that state of being, making it feel like a downward spiral of increasing tightness that at some point almost becomes paralyzing (similar to when you have to get up early for something important, but then can’t sleep at night and start worrying about not being able to sleep, which then stops you from falling asleep, which then increases the worry, etc.). And then my pattern to find release from this tightness is to find distractions to take my attention away, such as eating something, checking whether I have new emails, searching the internet, coming up with something 'more important' to do first, cleaning up, etc. So far the only way I knew to work through this was the struggle of writing and eventually finishing the report (after which a big release would come) and therefore it was interesting to instead watch myself in these distractions that are almost automatic and seem quite compulsive and then try to not give into them. That meant the tightness would increase unbearably with my body twitching, strong purges of air, my arms feeling overenergized and needing to hit something to release the energy, and generally an incredible internal nervousness. How much easier it is to find release by just eating something or finding something interesting on the internet instead ☺! I remember similar feelings and patterns from the time I was writing my PhD thesis, so I wonder if this is still related to some trauma of that process, or perhaps I also manifested the PhD process as another karmic reflection of a deeper root pain related to writing 'academically'? Interestingly, I usually don’t have trouble delivering something through the spoken word (such as giving presentations), which I am sure would be much more nerve wrecking for many. But as soon as words have to be written down, there seems to be some kind of internal short-circuit happening.

So, I was asking myself what is the worst thing that can happen if no words/ideas come through and could then feel the incredible tightness around the answer ‘the report will never be written’. Oh my, there is some deep guilt and shame related to not delivering the report, which almost feels like a crime to be followed by capital punishment... And although I can reason that this makes no sense, the internal panic is so real. There is something about not delivering or failing intellectually meaning that I am in deep trouble... And this somehow spirals me into a pattern that feels like a kind of self sabotage into paralyzing tightness, with a deep root pain of different layers. I think I did make some steps in the right direction today, by stopping myself from going into my usual patterns of distractions a few times, but it feels like there are still some thick layers to breakthrough awaiting me.

I am feeling a little exposed and vulnerable, putting this out there, but perhaps there are others who recognize some aspects of these patterns, which seem crazy, yet so real when I am right in the middle of them.

Love,

Marije

Hi Marije,

it's like i was reading about myself...
Though i would love to say to you that you don't have to feel like this, i know it just doesn't work like that.
I just started an academic course and now have lots of homework to do and write papers...i already feel nervous and like you, tight.
I also tried to think what would happen if i didn't do all of it or just little of it...but the feeling is just there...I already tried to write down some reflections. This helps for a few days or hours, but when i'm starting to think about that i should do my homework very soon that feeling comes richt back. Like i have to take an exam. (only back then i wasn't nervous at all for an exam)

A good plan to feel into it...to see what else comes to mind when diving into that tight feeling. I just tried to do that myself. The first thing that comes to my mind is the feeling that i made a promiss to someone, to do my best and that i failed, with this leaving this person very disappointed. Also like it was a once in a lifetime possibility, a chance that would never come around again...

Please don't feel exposed and vulnerable...i love it when people show such things. Lots of people are so hasty and don't show anything of themselves anymore. By writing this down here, at least you made me feel that i'm not the only one with these experiences..;-)

I wish you good luck with it!

Irisa

 

As I am starting to write this, I am not really sure where it is going to go… Lately there have been several interesting articles and discussions on the Openhand website that I resonated with and felt drawn to respond to. However, somehow the actual responses never manifested in reality. So today I felt to finally make it happen and actually write a response, but then as I started, I could observe a strong internal tightness/nausea, almost as if something was trying to stop me from writing/posting. The tightness was particularly strong around the top of my head as if something was attached to either side. As I tuned into this area I have just gone into a non-stop yawning as I am writing this and the more I tune into it, the more there is a kind of sense of confusion arising, as if I can’t think ‘straight’ anymore. Now the yawning is changing into dry heaving… Just wondering if this is OC at work trying to stop me from posting here….?

 

I would really love to respond to the recent discussions about judgements, sovereignty and the inflexion point, as well as the theme of guilt of hurting others or making them feel uncomfortable that has been coming up for me recently, but I think for now I am going to stay with all the strange sensations and confusion that are coming up when I start trying to write something….

Hi Marije,

Thanks for sharing your feelings, about writers block when you come to post here and feeling some nausea that feels like intervention - I imagine others have felt similar at times too. It also happens sometimes when people start to plan to come on an Openhand course or retreat - they may feel a wave of resistance which is coming from Opposing Consciousness in the field.

Openhand is an energy that is here to break down the old reality construct - to open a space for a new paradigm of being to emerge. The Opposing Consciousness is resisting this - it is its role. So whenever an organisation really touches a degree of truth - and when people truly challenge the old paradigm inside themselves - then they will likely confront this resistance that wants to maintain the old status quo.

But if we can overcome the initial knee-jerk reaction to OC, which is to close down or pull away, then you start to confront this energy. And as you learn to work with it by softening into it, then it loses its grip on your consciousness and has to leave your system. The more you confront this resistant and limiting energy, the more you negate it from your life - the less of an impact it has.

So let's not retreat from this energy - let's turn boldly into it and "take it on". What does that mean exactly?
Here are some steps you can work with...

  1. First get to know the symptoms of this Opposing Consciousness: it creates doubt and fear; it builds on identity and ownership; it causes tightness and nausea - in the solar plexus for example; you might also feel a buzzing in the head around the temples; it plays on the emotions; it tries to limit you to predicable ways of doing things - as in the system
  2. Second is to know that it can only exist in your field because some unconscious aspect of you allows it to be there. So work to let go of judgment - your manifested it! So work to accept it and become as-nothing in it. This means to feel into the tightness it causes and to let go. Increasingly, the OC has nowhere to hold on.
  3. Once you have become as-nothing in it, in other words, you've become "The One" in it, then it becomes possible to truly eject the energy from your being. You can do this by breathing, movement and dance, grounding in nature, making the internal wilfull statement "You do not belong in my field....Leave Now!!"  
  4. Finally, use the experience to increase sense of personal sovereignty - which means to focus on embodying your own soul and being more present internally in all the things that you do. Are you being totally authentic in your behaviours and characteristic? When are you slipping into programmed routines? You could apply the Openhand Breakthrough Breathing for this, as it is all about softening through the body and embodying soul... Openhand Breakthrough Breathing Meditation

I can feel the Opposing Consciousness very active in the field at this time. It usually happens in the festive break - where people conform a great deal to conditioned behaviour patterns, consume unconsciously, fall prey to judgment in family groups, and tend to do less of what really serves their soul.

So let's not let that happen this year! Let's work to be as empowered and sovereign as we possibly can.

In loving support

Open heart

I met a lady at a cafe who lives with someone who has the breed I like available now. I wasn’t searching so it felt a bit synchronistic.

……

A bit later….

I’d asked a friend about a contact for someone she’d mentioned a while ago . She’d got back to me and said to entitle the email “STAR”, which would apparently get his guy's attention. 

I checked out his website - it wasn’t for me, so left it there. 

……….

A bit latera….

I visited the puppies and the female available was called “STAR.”

I told the lady of my email that morning and she got shivers.

I left there feeling there was something in it but had to check with the lady I rent from - who to my surprise was excited for me!

When she said yes, my body went into some sort of trauma response. 

I wasn’t sure if it was my body not wanting it or OC. 

I too have had these responses when booking in for a retreat. 

So, though I’ll just sit with it for a while.

…..

The next evening I was driving home and ran over a beautiful Green Tree Frog. Generally if I hit wildlife it’s a sign from the universe I’m really on the wrong path. 

I woke up that night and in the morning feeling like something was really wrong with something I was doing / heading. 

I did think it was the getting of a dog and when decided to leave it; everything seemed to feel easier. 

……..

A few days later....

I just chatted with my cousin about it. Whilst we were on the phone she got a post from Facebook - a memory from 7 years ago - something about hoping she gets a dog for Christmas. The time was 4:41 - an angel number for me.

I instantly thought….ok cool with the dog again.…and my body went into a stress, trauma reaction.

……

I am thinking there is some interferrence/button pushing……but can’t quite write off the feeling of something amiss - especially with the frog.  

So, I'm a bit confused here - the frog and the dog eh!  Any insights would be welcomed. :) xx

And Marije, I get many of the same symptoms you described when thinking of posting too. Maybe the better something/someone truly is for us, the greater the OC [and our own un-consciouness] can fight against. xx

 

Hi, 

I felt an urge to post something here, yet without knowing what exactly to write about and at the moment I still don’t really know. My mind is quite uncomfortable with the idea of just posting something here without a real topic/purpose, yet the urge to post feels stronger than that. It also feels a little bit exposed to just post something without ‘content’, but then what defines content really? So here we go….

Interesting, it is like the internal energies are becoming stronger than the objections of the mind J. The past few days those internal energies seem to have gone even wilder than usual. Tingling/vibrations all through my body, lots of internal heat, a strong urge to loudly sing/tone the whole day, lots of yawning/dry heaving, but also extremely loud ringing in my ears/around my head. I used to freak out from this kind of explosive energy (which I now prefer to call forceful instead of explosive), so it is nice to experience how I am now more able to stay right in the midst of it.

Heart

Powerful experiences indeed Marije.

To me it sounds as if the lower vehicle is being realigned to embrace the spirit light body.

That's always going to be challenging. And immensely rewarding too!

Stay with it. Be attentive to the energies - let them realign things naturally.

Wishing you well.

Open  The Sun Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks for your response. Forgive my ignorance, but when you say 'the lower vehicle is being realigned to embrace the spirit light body' what does that exactly mean? Is that similar to the infusion of soul or is it something different and how does it relate to the torus? And can the extremely loud ringing in my ears also be part of that process (I always assumed that the ringing tends to be an indication of an implant)?

Heart

Marije

The spirit light body is a higher dimensional vehicle for the soul.

As we get through a good deal of inner purification, the path will actually bring it 'down' internally and into the lower self. It's also called the Merkabah, and is essentially the vehicle of Ascension.

However a good deal of inner pruification needs to happen on all levels for it to complete - so physically, emtionally and mentally. When the light body starts to come in, it will illuminate blockages.

It's possible that's what's going on. I do get a sense of that.

Open Praying Emoji

Turbulent times with lots of things being triggered for me at the moment, so that by the time I am about to write something here, the next trigger has already carried me away to something else. Still let me share something about one of last week’s triggers. About a week ago I found a small piece of big tooth that had broken off stuck in my gums. Even though it was only a small piece, somehow it triggered quite a bit of internal density. As someone who tends to let the body heal things naturally, rather than going to doctors or taking medication, teeth problems and dentists are a tricky one (luckily I have always had healthy teeth without too much problems). And I could feel how in this case the piece of tooth was triggering something around ‘irreversible loss’. Although meanwhile the dentist has filled up the open space in the tooth with something artificial, the natural tooth will never heal back to its original state, it is lost forever, which somehow caused feelings of grief.... And before the dentist had looked at it to find that it was not a big issue, all sorts of worst case scenarios had already passed the scene in my head of the tooth having to be pulled out (even a bigger irreversible loss!). When I think about it, it all seems quite silly for a small piece of tooth to trigger this, but the dense feelings that arose in response to it were very real... And when I contemplate on ‘irreversible loss’ it is like an ocean of grief opens up. Sometimes it is like the loss of for example loved ones that are still around at the moment already lives and can be experienced within me. At the same time on a larger scale there is grief about the irreversible loss and destruction that humans are causing on this planet....

Heart

Marye, 

I deeply resonate with what you are saying and know others (myself included) processing similar experience. Might it be a part of yourself that you lost long time ago, perhaps a connection to yourself that is not there anymore? There is nothing other than the original that can fill that space. To heal it naturally would be to hold space for the emptiness and allow the original energy to return, if it's right and proper. Filling it with anything external will possibly bring about a sense of unfulfillment, so why not keep it open and clear? 

Perhaps the sense of loss has brought you a unique wisdom and doesn't need to be reversed? With the reversal you'd loose that invaluable insight that you have now. Perhaps it is time to allow for more integration and reconnection to the fullness of who you are, if that is your choice. 

With love.

Margaret

 

Hi Margaret,

Thanks for your reflections! It resonates somehow, but I am not sure how to best to respond at this point. The internal currents are a little bit all over the place at the moment and so are my thoughts.... Interestingly though, pretty much concurrently with posting my message here, my right ear blocked and has been clogged up since, causing an interesting sense of unbalance in my body. I have been pondering about what the synchronicity of that might be in relation to irreversible loss.....

Heart

Marije