Inner adventures

I felt like starting a thread of my own, as I'm really confused about how to proceed with what is unfolding for me, so maybe sharing helps to unwind the confusion.

A few days ago a truth bomb shattered a layer of identification. I think most people, myself included, believed I am a sensitive, meek and shy person. I am wondering if there is still some truth in that, but I realised I was hiding behind this 'vulnerable girl' image to cover up the rather dissociated, manipulative 'narcisstic' layer that is behind that. I find myself suddenly in a state where I'm almost completely devoid of emotion, or at least compared to how I was before. I do see this was already there in the background, but that a deep shame kept me from being honest and expressing it. 

I felt like going crazy for a few days, but at the same time there was also an incredible sense of lightness. I'm trying to work with the shame and just honestly express about this newly emerged side, although it's not pretty.         

Add new comment


Leaving some of the words here that flow out from time to time.

let go
go with the Wind, wild Child
walk barefoot and get dirty

who are you?

who are you?

who are you?

the Air
the Sand
the Waves
the Salt
of your Tears
when you cry out
the fears
and take those
Steps anyway
as you know
who you are not
but God


Hi Hannah - yes, we often find it frustrating when we realise we're sabotaging our own path and fulfillment forwards!

I think it helps to recognise that any given situation, there will be complexity - plenty of layers of experience to uncover. And each layer will conceal an aspect of authentic beingness. Maybe one layer there is self-acceptance to embody, maybe in another the challenge of commitment to change. Until each is fully uncovered, then we can bounce between the two.

You have journied a great deal. So the Universe is complimenting you by presenting a greater complexity! Smiling With Sweat Emoji

In these situations, synchronicity is utterly essential to illuminate what to work with next - what thread to pick up.

I see it this way: before us lie plenty of lose threads to unravel. Pick up the first that the synchronicity points you to. Work along the thread until you hit a knot. If the knot won't budge, don't effort it. Simply put that one down and pick the next up. Do the same. I find it unravels more quickly this way.

Wishing you well.

Open HeartPraying Emoji


Thank you for the reflection Open. What jumped out most for me was 'self-sabotage' and it kept me busy the past few days. I tend to easily see situations in a black and white way, it's either this or that, which causes me to miss the truth behind a distortion. For example lately I've been feeling to change some circumstances in my life (work, living space) in the process of letting go of my old relationship, but from a place 'should's' - feeling shame about how things are now (dependency), although this comes from fear of how others might judge my situation, as I judge it myself. Another part of me is actually okay with how it is, but then I quickly become too comfortable and lazy. I switch back and forth between forcing change - which doesn't work out - and then do nothing: self-sabotage. I realise the feeling to change things and take action is right, but not from a place of shame and judgement. 

Got some reflections the past week in the form of internet not working, probably the universe telling me to disconnect to connect. And the keyboard app on my phone that kept crashing, which made me unable to type anything. I needed to 'empty the cache' for it to start working again, hehe. So I'm spending more time in meditation and also bowing into the situations and feelings that cause me to switch to the black and white thinking, feel that really helps. 


Deep contemeplations indeed Hannah - I saw the trailer for the Joker movie and could see how these kinds of characters are created from the intollerable pressures of the matrix. Haven't seen it yet, and I did feel it looked dark, yet that's no reason not to see it.

It feels to me like you're having a powerful unwinding inquiry - going through layers where the ego places distorting valued judgment on the soul's authentic expression. There's so much to see in just the few words you've shared...

- "one foot on the path, one foot in the matrix - still enjoying parts of it": the great temptation and allurement of the matrix is because it has captured ancient soul light and manifested it right before our eyes. Hence it's so compelling. And there's still great beauty in it too - in relationships, in consuming, in entertainment. It's just (as we known) that the matrix plays on these and over ampplifies them in order to capture the soul. But I find the key is not to deny the experience, because that leads to ego aswell. For me, it is rather to realign the experience and find harmony with it. If you explore deeply, you'll always find the soul's boundary in the activity. In the Openhand Approach, a distortion is always a distortion of truth (of the soul's flow). And so it's not about simply ditching the distortion - rather unpacking it and breaking it down to reveal the soul at the core of it.

- "that trying to create comes from ego": yes, indeed! But then so is self-sabotage. It's the other side of the coin. And I get the sense that the Joker embodies this distortion very well too. Take a look at the Universe, which is a constant miracle of creation - is not the soul then also going to naturally create? When it's not being owned one way or the other.

- "can killing other human beings also be aligned with the flow": for me, that would depend on the circumstances. If it was the very last possibility to protect the balance of other sentient life, as a means of the defence of it, then maybe yes. If thousands of people could lose their lives and you might prevent it by taking one, then maybe this could be aligned with the soul? I say maybe, because it would all depend on the moment, the circumstances would need to be exceptionally clear. 

Powerful inquiries for sure.

Open Praying Emoji

You know that feeling when you see a movie and afterwards you sense that it had a big impact on you? Yesterday I saw Joker and it left me feeling a bit shaky and all over the place. I could relate so much to his character that I felt ashamed, sad and liberated at the same time. It reflected to me how hard I still try to fit in and to be ‘normal’ (even at Openhand), because part of me still thinks there’s something wrong with me that needs to be fixed.

During the movie I had a moment where I felt myself floating above and looking at my life if you will, and feeling a deep emptiness and how nothing seems to make sense. A matrixian life, or how my life is now - one foot on the spiritual path and one foot (or at least a few toes) still sometimes wanting to be in the matrix, but somehow even the full on spiritual path. So I was thinking how actively trying to create meaning also comes from ego, and the spiritual path just arises from absolutely nothing and is in essence maybe meaningless. From there a kind of ‘screw it’ mentality can arise as nothing makes sense anyway, so why not be how you feel to be, whatever that may be and whatever the consequences? And that can create, without intending it, ‘meaning’, although it might not feel as such. The idea of living like this feels somehow even more empty, but probably that’s because of my mind still trying to make sense of that void and wants to plaster goals and meaning onto life.

And maybe this is a bit dark, but the movie also made me wonder if the act of killing other human beings can also be aligned with the flow, or that it’s always a ‘wrong’ expression of pent up anger? Surely there are souls that have karma around this that they need to work with?

Ok, so far my contemplations! Waving Hand Sign

Hi Hannah,

Fabulous synchronicities! I'd say the first thing is to celebrate that your consciousness is creating such alchemical reflections Slightly Smiling

I'd say the chakra bracelet is illuminating the path forwards - the necessaity to meditate daily by opening and attuning the chakras. These will project into the outer creating circumstances to work through and let go of. And then finding more alignment in the behaviours.

For anyone else reading, here is Openhand Chakra Attunement Meditation


Open HeartPraying Emoji

Recently I felt an opening of my heart which attracted new connections and a revival of old ones, which feels beautiful but at the same time challenging, because immediately all kinds of triggers around rejection and abandonment are presenting themselves as well. I'm wearing a necklace that for me represents the heart, and a few weeks ago while visiting the sauna it broke off because it got stuck between two planks of the bench I was lying on. I crawled underneath to get it back (through a yucky layer of dust and sweat) to not only find my necklace but also a chakra bracelet, one of those with crystal beads representing the 7 chakra's. I have been trying to figure out what it would mean to me, but it feels unclear.

This morning I found out there was a knot in my necklace, which seems impossible to me as I didn't take it off since I got it repaired and started wearing it again. Then I wanted to put on the bracelet, but the elastic broke and all the beads scattered around the floor. Interesting! Reflections are very welcome Slightly SmilingPraying Emoji

Hey Open, 

Thank you for responding! Yes, I finally feel the value of sharing, it helps to keep the momentum going and not get locked into the old again. Guess there's a time for everyting. Smiling Face with Closed eyes

This emerging side was already quite present in relationship, although often in a distorted, agressive form. But still, expressing it - distorted or aligned - makes me feel incredibly strong and fired up. And yes it feels quite right, sometimes even a surreal feeling arises when I'm fully in it. I'm also able to see now when I want to retreat back into the vulnerable child act, especially after I expressed myself more agressively and get some backlash. I feel there's a lot of balancing out to do (guess it's the dance between ray 1 & 2). 

Praying EmojiHeart 

Hi Hannah,

Great that you've started this thread here - it's always going to help the integration process to express Thumbs Up Sign

I can feel what you're pointing to in this new state - I recognised a strength and depth of "isness" in it before. It sounds like there's a great truth in it. What effect do you notice happens when you express it?

In support

Open OK Hand Sign