I felt the pull to write to you directly this morning. So I’ll just dive in:
The theme, ironically, is "On Procrastination - What am I Waiting For?"
For all of my life I have yearned for freedom. Eyes always on the horizon, because NOW never made sense to me.
Paradoxically (ah yes I do love a good paradox as I suspect you do as well) I am a highly logical and very abstract thinker, with an innate preference for identifying and analyzing every option there is before taking action. (Unless it's sports or active movement.) I do this from an intuitive perspective, like a melting pot in my mind throughout my waking (and sleeping) hours, and I pay attention to which one “feels” right. Sometimes this leads to action, and sometimes this leads to “mind games.” In this sense I now realize that I have been adding and adding and adding, and now finally I am peeling everything away - until all that is left is me.
The feeling though is that I am WAITING for something. Procrastination. What in the heck could I possibly be waiting for?!?
Some quick free-flow background on me:
My dilemma is that I have always needed to know and understand what the goal was in order to dedicate myself fully to it. I want to know everything. I have to be (yes I have not fully freed myself from outcomes yet) good at everything.:) However I am not competitive with others, and my fondest desire is to succeed AND have everyone succeed with me. This can be a bit difficult in this world but I have lots of fun with it now.
My parents are amazing to the point where I’ve felt guilty to have them. My life was so “easy” relative to the injustice going on in the rest of the world that I felt the need to create hardship for myself in my life, in order to process my guilt for being alive and so blessed. Not in a constant “rebellious” sort of way – in my case, I would create singular catastrophic events that would simply “happen to me” so that I could give myself the opportunity to rise above them. So in this sense I am actually competitive on the opposite end of the spectrum (although let’s face facts – the “spectrum” does not exist from a linear standpoint – it’s a circle).
....Competitive with myself! (Ahh that’s a big moment to say that…)
My first wakeup call was 13 years ago at the age of 20 when my best friend died in an alcohol driven car crash. (And Chris – don’t think I don’t notice that you refer to your awakening as a car crash, not a car "accident"… and yes, "driven" was an intentional choice of words.) He hit the only tree within miles of open road head on. The distinctive feel in my life just prior to that event was "All is good, all is well. I love my life and I am content."
It had taken me a long time to get to that point, and it shattered me to numbness. Rather than face it I shut down my heart for many years.
From then on I have nurtured a fear of ever feeling this. I have a fear of being content.
AND THAT IS WHAT DRIVES MY PROCRASTINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I look at my clock at this moment as I type this: 11:11) Check it out Open – I’m growing into the moment in quantum time! As you read this now and as I type this now. What am I waiting for wasn’t the right question – the question is why am I waiting.
Man, you really have to put in some effort to get into non-efforting…
OK so since this is free writing and I tend to make lots of self realization progress in doing this, I’m feeling the urge to continue this narrative although my original reason for it has already been determined…
Fast forward 10+ years and I had all the trappings of modern success – wife, daughter, long term career at a community bank in the suburbs of a small city on the east coast of the U.S, nice house, close family, etc.
In a similar type of deal - I told my parents soon after I hit 30 that if anything ever happened to me, I wanted them to know that I’d lived an awesome life that has been all good, and that they did an amazing job with me and didn’t ever need to worry about me. I wanted them to be secure in that knowledge as they approached their twilight years.
Shortly after that, I tore cartilage in my right ankle, and after a year of self-driven physical rehab didn’t help, I got to the point where I was no longer able to walk. Could no longer carry or even watch my 2 year old daughter on my own, and the only option I saw at that point in my life was surgery. The surgery resulted in nerve damage and a rare, “incurable”, chronic pain condition called RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.)
I am so very thankful for it. Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy is about as “trapped in an eddy” as it gets. :)
My actual awakening came in the emergency room after 40 days, in intense 24-7 pain, no longer mobile, no longer able to sleep, facing spread of RSD from the original site to my entire left side, surrounded by a revolving assembly line of well-meaning but perplexed medical specialists. I remember thinking my life was gone, that it was taken away from me, and I just couldn't fathom why. Everything in my life had somehow led to THIS --- and there the inevitable thought came ---
Then, during a brief lull between tests, it happened. I was just lying there in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine, shell shocked, my wife by my side. It was the key moment when everything began to change. Out of nowhere I suddenly thought.... What If.
What if this whole thing is on me? What if everything that I’m dealing with now is a result of ME? If it’s NOT me I’m screwed anyways – why not open up to the fact that it might be ME causing this?
What if I’m the only chance I have!
Right then I realized - "I AM creating this reality!"
And I realized that up to that exact moment in my life I thought the exact opposite – that somehow the manifestation was manifesting me.
And I started to laugh. Because I was already living my own worst nightmare. What could be worse than slowly withering away in intense pain while your loved ones stand by, helpless, just watching it happen? I took responsibility for everything in that moment, and laughed.
It was such a relief for me to acknowledge my own role. I had more fun in that emergency room with my wife than I’d had in a long time. The moment was pure and free and authentic and all those new age words that read so clichéd on a flat page but are so vibrant and soulful in actuality.
And now I know what my goal is. NOW makes sense to me now. Now is to know me. Now is to know the Creator. Now is the goal – and the goal is to have no goal.
Since then, there have been massive synchronicities going on in the forms of recurring numbers, animal totems, music, dreams, the internet (your site in particular.) Many profound experiences bring me to tears – particularly music. I am a big fan of asking my iPhone for random music. I can “hear” the blankness inside my own head, and am now highly sensitive to sound frequency. My physical senses are improving, I lost the desire to eat meat, I see auras, and intuition is very much heightened. A friggin’ tree communicated with me the other day! I have rediscovered my childhood sense of wonder and imagination and visualization, and through a very intense self-education on how to put the human body in a position to heal itself, RSD completely disappeared one morning and went back to its original source.
I am left with a badass “barometer” of a right leg that tells gives me immediate physical feedback on physical and emotional stress:)
My self analysis is that in your terms, I’ve passed through gateways 1 and 2 and I feel myself taking me still further into uncharted waters. My heart “exploded” with a blissful 1000x orgasm in my sleep Christmas night but have not experienced “transfiguration”-type effects like that since then. And I have been blessed with ever heightening compassion for all things since that moment. I would not even believe that specific experience happened but I wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget. Plus I felt the residual energy remnants of that expansion in my heart for days afterward.
The mind tries so hard to make us dismiss things of immense relevance and importance!
I’d say I’m somewhere near the middle of the scale between empath and catalyst. I am drawn very strongly to both sides. My life has changed so much in the past 10 months. I can vividly feel the impact I have on other people's energy now.
So --- This morning I was getting ready for work and thinking about the future and watching myself think about it, continuously watching for synchronicities so that my mind can continue to let go… and I am noticing that my mind is still constantly thinking about the Things I Should Be Doing. Certain things I have left undone have come to “haunt” me karmically, and I can now recognize these as a gift. Because I can now recognize them I can begin to unwind them.
And right then, while I’m thinking about “Procrastination – what am I waiting for?” on my randomized Iphone songlist comes John Lennon’s “Mind Games.” And I cry. Because I love to cry now :)
Another comment: I read your Realignment part 3 yesterday and it moved me to deep fear. An image came to me that I could not shake and finally I just went with it and let it flow. I visualized my little daughter’s scared cherub face as I held her close while a tsunami rose high above us. I saw her take last fearful breaths in the water as she was washed away from me.
I acknowledged that fear and broke down and cried out to God that I was scared. My throat released and I breathed again and I finally saw her brief moment of pain as the gateway to something beautiful and evolved.
So… What to do next? Nothing, and everything:)
Mathematically, everything breaks down to the fundamental equation that Infinity=Zero. In fact the symbol for infinity is simply 0 twisted upon itself.
In my quest to heal myself, I have found much of what I seek through a spiritual approach to science (which, in its true form, is the simple study of cause and effect.) It has opened doors I forgot existed – and now I find myself walking the path of my heart:)
SO --- Thank you for catalyzing!
PS: I have always been a massive fan of The Matrix trilogy. I didn’t know really know why this is the case, or even GET the deeper meaning, until I felt the pull to take a day off of work to watch all three back to back earlier this year. “Buckle your seatbelts Dorothy, cause Kansas, is goin’ bye-bye.” “One of these lives has a future.” LMAO. Those parts in the 5 Gateways film really moved me.
I do feel that my highest purpose is to stay involved in the matrix and expand within it. I am a friggin' banker after all.:) It's wild - more and more I walk around and actually see the world like Neo/Morpheus in the agent "pilot" program where they traverse the city surrounded by an endless stream of souls who are still plugged in. Very similar to the movie Inception as well - where every person is a projection of the dreamer's subconscious.
OK well that's about enough for now; typing this up at work took some time but time isn't linear anyways so it sure ain't procrastination.:)
Thanks for listening, and I look forward to meeting everyone here!