Lets express :)

I have been thinking of opening a forum topic to share my thoughts for a while now, and today's comments gave me a push to do this.

Especially what Open said about the importance of expressing the truth and the distortion. Indeed I see the truth in this, and here I am!

Although I open this topic for my explorations, I want to encourage people to comment and express too if they feel like it, hence the name of the topic!

Lets express then!

laugh

Comments

 

‘If you think you are enlightened, go home to your family- mwahahah!’

I am thinking of this quote lately, because it’s time to go home for Christmas. I booked the tickets, partly because I am used to going home for Christmas, and partly because I don’t want to be spending too much time alone (if I don’t go).

On the other hand, I have been experiencing some kind of resistance for that. This is because of a practical thing, my laptop doesn’t work, and I don’t know how I will be able to work on deadlines if I go home. So there is uncertainty. And the second relates to the quote above. I know my buttons will be pushed if I go home, probably accompanied by judgements and projection.

So I asked myself- does it serve me to go home? A thought came is that since there is fear of going, and also uncertainty, it probably does serve me. But should I go just for the sake of facing the fear and uncertainty? Am I denying these or does it serve me to stay and focus on the deadlines?

So I have been trying to ‘spot the distortion’, when thinking about my options. Or maybe another way of putting is discern the authentic impulse.

Maybe I am thinking about it too much and I should meditate on it.

I will leave it up to here for now.

Best wishes to everyone,

Alex smiley

 

Hi Alexandros,

Love that you have opened this forum =). What I love about the place you are describing is that no matter what you end up doing there is much to face within either way... So how can one go truly wrong?  Will be curious to see which way you feel to go when you tune in inside and see what arises... What movement/direction/energy is wanting to express and what does that bring up inside? And as you move in a particular direction, what synchronicity do you notice? Have fun exploring! ? Jen

Hi Alex,

I loved the quote - yep, going home to family at Christmas will likely be a tester for sure!

It will most likely present a great opportunity to explore boundaries - creating space during the day to refresh your own vibe. Also being mindful of emotional/intellectual boundaries - not letting others project their truth onto you.

One thing you might work on is being more in the energy field. So in these types of engagements, the tendency is to pull you into the emotional and intellectual planes (most often where judgments are). The invitation is to resist being owned by these programs and feel your expansion into the field - how can you stop the energy of the judgments coming in?

When this has happened to me in the past, I recalled a scene from the Matrix, where Neo puts his hand up to incoming 'bullets' (in this case meant metaphorically), and says "No!" The bullets - the judgments - stop and fall away.

Maybe worth giving something like that a whirl.

No doubt you'll be able to learn masses from it - providing you keep inquiring in it.

Wishing you well

Open yes

Thanks alexandros for the post and also for the invitation to share. I love the quote too and coudn't agree more! I have learned a great deal within family where i spend most of my time.

Amongst other things i have observed lots of judgement from me ,wanting them to be a certain way - more  considerate,caring,independent, acceptable to name a few. But with each engagement i have learned i can accept them more as they are without with all their imperfections. Actually its only me who is accepting myself. I can also see there's a long way to go still but the peace and joy arising naturally is just fabulous and it can only get better! How awesome is that!

Something that i'm exploring now is the energetic connection between me and my mother. I have observed that i get energetically pulled down whenever she is upset and that is quite a lot these days. I guess there is co - dependency between us which has begun from my childhood. Its like each has learned in early days that one can be happy when the other is happy. In the past i have felt a need to make up for it by protecting her or helping her is some sort of way. This need has diminished but the energetic disharmony is quite evident. To a degree i'm also dependent on her financially and for other things. But it is considered as quite normal within the family. Hence the difficulty to self - realize through it. Any insight to this engagement is heartily welcome.

In most cases i can clearly see her and others issues and there is a natural aspiration to help them. I know i can only help them to the degree that i have helped myself. There is a stronger tendency to tell them their truth which to say the least doesn't work. But i can still tell her these stuff since she is more receptive and caring but i know most of it passes right over her head. I have naturally adopted a way of asking questions which has had positive results.

PS : Open,the spelling suggestion is absent for me which was quite a help in the earlier versions. Maybe its an invitation to learn to spell more correctly. Still it would be nice to have it here. 

Vimal

Hey, thanks for your responses and support!!  

Jen,  I felt really supported reading your message,  and a clear encouragement to keep exploring,  which is really helpful!  Thanks a lot!!  :) I will be happy to share what unfolds.  The number 13 has been appearing lately, which is the date of the flight- interesting!! 

 

Open,  indeed (physical)  boundaries were the first thing I was considering regarding going home.  Your suggestion to do something metaphorically similar to what Neo did is exciting!  Thank you for this suggestion,  I will test it :). 

Something that I do daily before engaging with the world,  is what you suggested in September,  willfully declaring that 'Anything that doesn't serve me is NOT invited in my field'.  Would be interesting to do something similar in 'real time` during interactions. 

I also use a tool Trinity shared for when  travelling: Drawing an imaginary line around my body declaring that' This is me,  and anything outside this is not me'. 

 

Vimal, thanks for sharing your reflections!  You are not alone,  I too find myself wanting my family members to understand me,  for example and attached in other 'outcomes'  too.  I think that sometimes,  telling others what we think to be their truth,. may be in fact our own subtle resistance (non-acceptance) to what's going on,  and maybe that's why it may not be working as you said. So the question here I suppose is,  why did I express what I think to be their truth in this moment?

 I too am. starting to use questions as Open suggests when Judgement and projection appear!  I wish you all the best with your explorations :)) 

Best wishes to everyone, 

Alex :) 

 

I have been embodying and connecting with playfulness lately,  (e.g., walking playfully, jogging playfully,).  I even had a dream. of being in the sea,  approached by dolphins and touching them, which brought a lot of joy! (I guess it relates to playfulness!!) 

 Today I followed a synchronicity and attended a play workshop. On of the things we did there,  was dress up using materials for clowns (wigs,  hats,  ties,  glasses etc), and we interracted with the room and with each other,  in a non-verbal way (we made sounds,  but without language).  

I was aware  that this is essentially a great part of individual child psychotherapy (apart from the costumes), so I was aware that a lot of unconscious material would probably be conveyed. Because of that,  I found myself resisting things that wanted to come through!  For example,. my urge to ask for help from another, and probably a maternal figure. 

Further,  because I was aware that what was happening was probably conveying unconscious messages,  I found myself being afraid of what I was seeing.  

This is because I was afraid of others expressing their emotions. And probably because I didn't want to see my distortions being acted. right in front of me (from others and from. myself too).  

Lots of things were brought up emotionally I think,  and I remember in the end I felt like crying (without knowing why). 

But it wasn't just that,  very nice creative moments arose spontaneously too!  Like singing for example!  It was such a joy! 

I am intrigued by this,  especially knowing how it may be used as a tool for self discovery,  which could be used as part of my career too :) 

Hey Alex, i hope I'm not using your space too much but i felt to write a little bit about expressing within the web community. - wanting to be seen a certain way rather than just expressing oneself. Its like you are continuously brought to the the ground , rebuild yourself again only to be brought down again. It's actually really painful. But somewhere down the line you have to make a choice which is worthwhile keeping the image of yourself intact or just tearing it down. Because i believe ultimately nothing in the outside can replace what you have already within.I'm giving space for the part of me that wants to be heard. We are all in this together and there's nothing to be really afraid of. So let's express - bravely and openly. 

I want to write about my dilemma. It reminds me of what Open says about being pulled in different directions.  One moment I'm staying here,  in another one I'm going home. 

There seems to be false synxronicities probably created by my mind.  I'm wondering whether a subconscious fear can create such false 'synchronicities'... 

There is a lot of fear about going home.  I asked myself if I didn't have that practical problem would I go home?  I realised that there was a lot of resistance in any case.  The practical problem seems to add uncertainty to the whole thing. 

Going home is a challenge that I am afraid of,  but what brings positivity,  is the trust that If I express myself at home, the fear will go away, as has happened in the past. The word 'express' caught my attention today, which might be linked to that. 

Any reflections are welcome.

Best wishes to all, 

Alex

Hi Vimal, 

I see myself in what you described so nicely!  It was uncomfortable to recognise that I'm doing that,  wanting to appear a certain way.  I like your bravery to be vulnerable!  It inspires me to be the same! 

And of course dont worry about taking 'my'  space!  It's for everyone :) 

 

All the best, 

Alex :) 

Hey Alex,

I'm glad it resonated something within you too. Yes, that morning i was feeling pissed off and heavy since i was not getting the acknowledgement i so wanted to. And everything in the outside world was reflecting it. Interestingly my mother was also feeling the same thing and blaming everyone for it. Luckily i was through with the blaming and meditating on it. And this came through " I'm giving space for the part of me that wants to be heard". Because really it's ok to be wanted to be heard and acknowledged and there is nothing wrong with that. Its interesting when paradoxically i accept the worst part of me i was hiding from ,then i can change. Hence there was a breaking through to the soul and synchronistically after that i had a conversation with my brother where he said how putting out a 'fake' image of himself in fb is giving him lots of attention. This is what i love about openhand because however bad your ego wants something ,Openhand serves the best interest of our souls. Because at the soul level we all asked for it. I'm not saying I'm through with my stuff because it has many layers and it's a long and deep process. 

You said about the confusion with the decision of going home. Interestingly i will be receiving an invitation for a get-together with some of my college friends and I'm feeling a bit of confusion for whether to go or not. Because in the past in a similar situation there was lots of judgement towards me, some of it even harsh. Clearly i was an odd ball and they were seeing reflections of a part of themselves they wanted to ignore. But still i have loved them and still does and there is much in joy in connecting and sharing some memories. At this point i want to repeat what jen wrote "  What I love about the place you are describing is that no matter what you end up doing there is much to face within either way... So how can one go truly wrong? " . I also believe ultimately the choice doesn't matter. Theres is only doubt and confusion when the soul is wanting to breakthrough. And the tightness created in the process is what's important. Im asking these questions to myself. "What have i got to lose? I can always come back to this place ,no matter how down and under i go. How does it matter if i say no which might end the connection with them? What are the positive sides of the experience and what all can i learn from it. 

It was a pleasure sharing with you and learning in the process. 

Wishing you well my friend

Vimal <3

Wow! These are amazing sharings Alex and Vimal! I really love what you said here Vimal "Theres is only doubt and confusion when the soul is wanting to breakthrough. And the tightness created in the process is what's important."  

I have witnessed how there is a natural flow of living that arises from a place of unlimitedness inside and then it bumps into places that I am not quite clear and there begins a churning and running in circles mentally and emotionally...the Soul is confronting attachments inside. I find it supportive to allow all the inner stuff to be there but also connect deeper to that place inside where the limitations are not there, where I feel most free and open, unchained and then "walk" into the internal points of confusion, feel them, what do I believe I need in this circumstance? What am I truly afraid of? What do I believe I can't handle? WHo do I believe I need to be? If I work to unravel these by feeling the tightness they create and inquiring within, then a clear way of being through it may arise. When things are very churned up and I can't seem to find the free place inside, then it helps to just open to the feelings of confusion, feel all the fears and doubts, get ok with their presence and ask the universe to "show me"... I have experienced pure magic when I pay attention to what the universe is showing me...some clue of where my attachment is and what wants to emerge through it - what way of being wants to come through. In the places of confusion, I find the way of being is often one that is challenging for me...one that is not my usual way of being - so it brings up a lot of discomfort, but being in alignment with the Soul will light a way through.

This was very powerful Alex, "Going home is a challenge that I am afraid of,  but what brings positivity,  is the trust that If I express myself at home, the fear will go away, as has happened in the past. The word 'express' caught my attention today, which might be linked to that."  I find it so interesting that you said the fear goes away when you express yourself at home...it reminds me of a story I just listened to. There were tests run on this batallion that was in battle...they were testing the heartrates/stress levels of the soldiers. What they found was that stress was highest in the place where they were waiting for something to happen, but unable to actually take any action yet. Once the battle began, their stress levels plummeted. It was observed that once there is direct action, once they could move in a way that they felt to, that they knew to, there was a level of active relaxation. I relate this to my recent experience of determining whether I should flee the area that I live in due to a hurricane or wait and ride it out. Everything in me was saying to go, but attachments to various things were stirring up doubt. I had to work through those, but I tell ya, it was excruciating to be in the place where you know something is right and you are not acting on it because of fears of what may be. Like you said, once I could move with that knowing (which was my form of expressing), all the anticipatory fears dissipated and I could just move with and be me through the experience as it unfolded. There is also much to be learned from getting comfortable with the feeling of not knowing - of sitting in the place where we aren't sure - clearly in society (within ourselves) this is a place of great stress and clarity isn't always immediately available as we work into our stuff.

Thanks for sharing you guys! It's helping me to reflect on my own "this way or that way" type of conundrums. 

Much love to you,

Jen

Vimal and Jen, thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts! So much to learn from these.

I want to share how things turned out.  After posting my previous comment, I realized that there was an expectation that someone would come in this site and tell me what is the best for me. It was difficult to stay with the uncertainty (the flight was the next day). 

When my flat mate returned, I shared my dilemma with her. At some point she said something like, 'Yeah they will be happy to see you'. This had touched me deeply as I knew it was true. My flat mate expressed what my family couldn't. And it also help me realize (or remember) that my family has difficulties expressing their emotions. This was the answer I was looking for. This was the motivation for me to go home.  Although they find it difficult to express their love, they do love me! This might have been the reason for my ambivalence and indecision (as well as the fear of being judged and not understood).

When I shared my realizations with my family, especially the difficulty in expressing, it was as if all the judgments and projections paused, there was a brief silence, of acknowledging the truth. My mum told me, 'we were thinking maybe you didn't want to see us'. Probably I was feeling the same thing!

I also remember when I was away, how I had not missed my family. I was thinking to myself 'what is there to miss?'. I don't want to be or sound disrespectful, I appreciate all the things that my family has been doing for me since birth! But I also acknowledge that being away and setting boundaries was key for me to open my wings and express myself! Once I have done that, I can now bring more of me back home. I guess what there is to miss, is the unexpressed love and care, which is there somewhere and finds itself in the surface occasionally.

While I was walking to the bus station, the poem 'Do not go gentle into that goodnight' came to mind, interesting to see it posted here today! :)

 

I’d like to write about a dream that has woken me up in the middle of the night, and try and interpret it.

I was driving, returning home from the usual route I take. It was a main road, two lanes in my direction, two lanes in the opposite, separated by a guard rail. In the street that I wanted to turn into, there was no guard rail, but a third lane.

I took the third lane to turn but realized that I went too far ahead and had to go backwards, so that the turn was opposite me. For some reason, I switched off the driving lights and started going backwards. I noticed from the mirror, that a car is approaching from behind and is signaling to me to be cautious using its own headlights. Then, that car behind me switches its driving lights off and appears to go backwards too.

When it was time for me to stop going backwards and rather go forwards, I noticed that the break wouldn’t work. I switched to first gear but the car was still going backwards. The car continued to go backwards, and accelerated. I was pressing the brakes and became anxious, but it would not work. I noticed how it went faster and looking from the side mirror, I was crossing the other lane, going very close from other cars, and was probably going to crash soon.

There was a strong sense of losing control. And fear.

(I realize my heart is beating fast as I write this- also I got anxious when I visited that same route today.)

---------------------------

 

The symbology of this dream is quite strong. The brake not working, going backwards, losing control.

Something that is important, I think is going backwards in a one way road. I asked ‘show me’, and one of the things I noticed today was a car saying ‘One way’, but there was an arrow pointing on the opposite direction than the one the car was going.

It makes me feel that I’m going the wrong way!

I also noticed the number 22 (and 222) today a lot, which I don’t know yet what is about.

It seems that there is anxiety about it, and I shall work with it. Any comments are welcome.

Best wishes to all,

Alex

 

Hi Alex,

Firstly to say, when I interpret dreams, I do so from the intuition. These then are not thoughts, although they channel through mind. And they are not to tell you what to do, only where and (perhaps) how to look. Because it's always your inquiry that counts.

I'd say the 4 lane motorway is the usual karmic consensus reality - 4 lanes = 4th density. 

I'd say you were invited to turn off, but missed the turning for a while.

So now there's going backwards through the karma, through the conditioning.

There's guidance there, but not always obvious - hence no headlights. You have to look for another way of seeing beyond the eyes, and hearing beyond the ears.

I'd say you're being invited to let go of control and the fears that brings up. But not to completely abandon all sense and sensibility. Let go of control in how you make choices and decide your life. But then bring concentrated awareness to new ways of creating and being.

Dreams can tell us masses.

I responded to a forum topic on interpreting dreams here... how to interpret your dreams

Enjoy - have fun - let go!

Open yes

Open, I'd like to say thank you for your comment above. The last line made me laugh at the time.

Something that has come up for me is loneliness. It appeared previously again when I was in therapy: When revisiting a car crush for example, a sense of loneliness was what I could feel.

Recently, I was in a  retreat, where I spent many hours sat in meditation. When it started to hurt my legs, although I was not in touch with emotional pain, songs about loneliness would come to mind. And this increasingly put me in touch with the emotional pain. But it was not strong. Maybe it was 'overshadowed' by the physical pain. Or maybe the physical pain was not just physical. On day 8 of the retreat, I realised that the emotional pain of loneliness was making the physical pain on the legs much much more intense. It was like I'm in pain, and I feel lonely in this pain. And this makes it more painful. I think it probably has to do with early childhood experiences.

After the retreat, I found out that my flat mate decided to leave the flat. Something that has happened before- a flat mate 'abandonning' me. I think that abandonnement is also linked to this feeling of loneliness. I remember times when I got a sense of being abandonned by others and being triggered. Something interesting about the current flat situation is that it revealead that our contract was 'void'. I was wondering what that could mean.

Regarding loneliness, it is clear for me that food cravings and addictions are a way to distract me from feeling the loneliness. I also read about food cravings being described as 'attachment cries'. That is, when we have a core belief that that our emotional needs are not met from our relationships, we 'attach' to food to get the sense of comfort we need.

 

Hi Alex,

The great thing is that you're inquiring deep into the feelings - I've noticed that in your process right from the beginning - a preparedness to be honest and own what's coming up, and what's happening in your life. This taking ownership will take you a long way, and help you break through things a lot faster - awesome OK Hand Sign

This jumped right off the page for me...

I remember times when I got a sense of being abandonned by others and being triggered. Something interesting about the current flat situation is that it revealead that our contract was 'void'

Here's a key aspect of Openhand philosophy...

When you're being open and honest, when you're owning your stuff, then when you ask a genuine question of authenticity about what's going on in your life, then the question often comes from the soul; and when it does, it's usually answered immediately, and in your own words.

So your 'contract' with your room mate was void, or, in terms of self-realisation... "your 'contract' with your room mate was to take you into the void". In other words, by being 'abandoned' in this way, the invitation is to soften into the place of absoluteness - the void - where everything is one, and therefore purely present. You can only fully come to this place alone. I would say that's what the synchronicity is pointing towards.

Blessings

Open Praying Emoji

Since last week I have noticed a buzzing noise in my ear. It’s as if someone is knocking on a metal rod, again and again and again. When there is noise around, I can’t hear it, but when its quiet outside and I focus on it, it’s very loud. This is a familiar sound, which I recall having as a teenager too. But it re-appeared again last week.

Last night, in my dream, I was attacked by entities. I knew there were more than one. When they ‘pushed’ themselves into me, I tried to relax into it, but it was very intense and uncomfortable and tried to fight them and take them outside of me. In the dream I was in my ‘old room’ with a little kid, and I told him to exit from the window. I myself run towards the main ‘exit’. I took the key from the room’s door and opened the door to make my way towards the exit. By opening the door, another entity appeared and attacked me. I think that one came into me via my armpit!

I also saw turning an appliance on and off. This was very interesting to interpret, as this week I bought a new heater. The first time I turned it on the alarm went off (probably that was a sign to warn me). We noticed in the flat that the electricity in the sockets would go out when I had my heater on. It turns out that the sockets are not receiving energy from the main source, rather they are sending power to one another.

After the dream I realised that probably this is a metaphor for how these entities are feeding. Not from the source, but from other ‘sockets’. And probably the heater somehow brought an entity into my ear, although I am not sure about this. I did feel much sucked into the external world this week, waking up and wanting to connect to the internet, rather than sitting in stillness, which was unusual, and probably this was the reason.

I spent some time in nature yesterday which helped a lot bring my awareness into my body.

Hi Alexandros - what you're describing as a ringing in the ears is what's often called Tinitus. Check it out on the web. There's very little general understanding for what causes it (sometimes it's considered to be wax build up in the ears) and the general suggestions about curing it are to distract with other sounds or simply to get used to it and completely accept it.

It could very possibly be an implant causing it. You mentioned that you noticed it since last week - was there a particular event or circumstance after which you noticed it? Had you been doing a lot of conscious work or meditation?

I've witnessed probably most people carry implants, but are not consciousness of them until they start to raise their vibration through the evolutionary process. An implant usually occurs in the fourth density vehicle - the causal or energy body. Its purpose is to distract from the main chakras, to pull consciousness into the distortion, then to sink as 'white noise' into the background. Essentially the internal dissonance creates a release of energy, which might then be 'farmed' by Opposing Consciousness - intelligent energies in the field. I would say that was the synchronicity of losing power in the electricity circuit.

So it would seem you're now becoming conscious of an intervention. Which is a good thing. It means you now have the possibility to gain increasing consciousness through more internal layers. What's being explored and invited here?

My intuition tells me the 'child's room' in the dream is most possibly your own inner child. Are you aware of some kind of visitations from that time? It's great to have the approach to allow the energy to pass in and through, but if an unconscious part of you is still resisting, then that layer of consciousness can become the magnet to which they stick.

My suggestion would be to consciously regress into the time when you perceive the dream was from. Feel what it was like to be the small child, potentially with such visitations - if that feels real for you. All these entities can do is to exacerbate fear - the rest we do to ourselves. So work to become the child, then work to be accepting - become as nothing in it. It is important though that if there is fear, you allow it to express - always remember the sense of the One in the background. At the height of any reaction or contraction, then allow the sense of complete acceptance to come through the experience - this will open a doorway for the sense of the One. Then it will have less and less effect on you.

When this has happened, and you're completely accepting, work to intuit and feel any sense in the ear where the Tinitus is happening. Can you literally pull anything out of the ear in the 4D? Work on that and witness what changes. Do get back and I'll see if I can help some more.

Wishing you well

Open Praying Emoji

PS: For all reading, here's an article on: Energy Implants and How to Remove Them

Hi Open,

Thanks a lot for your response.

I am not sure exactly when it appeared, but last week I did a juice fast, which caused a lot of physical release, and joy following that. But I also got a bit sick on my final day. During the fast though, interestingly, I could not find the discipline to meditate for a considerable amount of time, although I did have loads of time. I was ungrounded, restless and sucked in to the external world.

Yes the room in the dream was the room I was living as a child. As a child I had many nightmares of snakes. And I do remember waking up in the night and thinking there was a snake on my bed cover. I would look at the folds of the cover and be afraid that they were snakes.

Something that may or may not be related to this is some occasional pains in the chest. These pains were probably one of the most intense things that happened, they lasted for 2-3 seconds, but I couldn’t move because of them. As if a solid laser line was going through my chest.

I will work on it and see what happens. Thank you for all the support and guidance.

Alex

 

Hi Alex - the juice fast could definitely cause an expansion of consciousness, which then might make you more aware of things in the 4D field. So it's highly possibly that activated the senses.

And by the sounds of things, the fear associated with what happened in childhood might well be the unconscious layer which becomes the magnet for OC - something to work with. The good thing is becoming aware of these things - then we can do something with them.

Let me know how you get on

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open, thank you for caring!

The inner child is 5 years old (probably that’s why I have been drawn to the number 23).

You said “the fear associated with what happened in childhood might well be the unconscious layer which becomes the magnet for OC - something to work with.”

I connected with the inner child and did not feel any fear. I felt sadness and anger. When I came out of the experience I thought that the unconscious layer is fear, but not related to visitations. It is the fear of intimacy. The inner child didn’t receive that (hence the anger and sadness), and doesn’t know how to express love and tenderness (unconscious fear). The fear as a feeling is probably a deep trauma, and I haven’t touched it yet.

I think this because I am moving towards intimacy right now and I am exploring my fear around it (my highly empathic friend picked it up). Would this process attract the entities? Or maybe the exploration of this made me become aware of them. 

Alexandros

 

Hi Alex,

I think at this point, now you have a sense of where the real nub of the issue lies, and it's likely to be quite sensitive, it would be good to work with a facilitator on it. My sense is to work on abandonment, and what that might mean. I can recommend someone to work with if you wish.

Much love

Open Praying Emoji

Am I burning the boats, or am I avoiding something challenging?

It seems that my flat mates and I are going to move to a different flat, because of upcoming renovation works in the neighbourhood. We have the flexibility to do so as we are not bound by a contract.

It came to me that ‘If I had the option of not living with one of my current flat mates, I would go for it”. This is because, although we are living harmoniously together, she seems to always be happy and positive, and I get a very intense sense that she is blocking her emotions, and faking positivity. I do not enjoy spending time with her for that, and thinking of the possibility of ‘abandoning’ my friends.

It’s interesting that this word came to mind once again. My other flat mate suggested that maybe I am afraid of the commitment (I will be finally signing a contract, probably), which rings true. Am I “Identifying with the aggressor?” This is psychoanalytic jargon, used to describe the tendency to take the qualities of someone who has caused us some challenge. Am I abandoning them, because I am afraid of being abandoned?

Oh yes, that’s probably it… Being afraid of commitment, because of the possibility of abandonment. It’s amazing how so many different situations, are revealing to me the same thing about me, again and again.

Blessings to all,

Alexandros

 

Hi Alexandros - firstly it's great that you're being so introspective, and working to see yourself in the situations you create - that can only be a good thing. Slightly Smiling

It's also important, though, not to over analyse - otherwise you might end up creating stories around the issue. The key question is does a particular action make you tight in some way? If it does, then that'll be the reason you created it.

It strikes me that you are authentic in how you express. So it could also be that your soul is literally moving away - not manifesting - reflections of people who are not being authentic. Personally I don't believe there's anything wrong in that.

Open Praying Emoji

 

So Today I had some very powerful revelations about me. And wanted to write them down and share them for anyone who might benefit.

I have identified that my behaviours in relationships falls under what is known as an Avoidant attachment type. I tend to feel very easily threatened and suffocated, and thus find myself avoiding intimacy. Avoiding it because it may suffocate me.

And then I asked myself. Why do I feel suffocated? What am I suffocating from?

Although the answers came quickly, I first had to ask the questions for them to come. Attachment and metallisation theories, helped me find the answers, as well as a dream of mine. These theories, suggest that when we are babies, we need a caregiver to make sense of our emotional reactions. We have an emotional experience, which ideally, is contained and reflected (or mirrored) back to us and we integrate that in our psyche. However, when our emotional experiences are not mirrored accurately by our caregivers, or there is emotional neglect, then we experience one thing- but integrate an inaccurate reflection (or projection, or neglect). Therefore, we build what is known as “Alien Self”. (Interesting how the word alien is used! Maybe these guys intuited that aliens take advantage of these!!).

So what happens, in my understanding, is that my true essence, and true feelings, are then hidden, outnumbered by the inaccurate reflections and projections of my caregiver. The other person’s stuff are filling my internal world, not living much space for my own true feelings, and experiences. And hence there is a sense of suffocation! It can be symbolised as a long cupboard, with our own stuff inside the depths of it, hidden by other people’s “stuff” (fears, anxieties). So we cannot find our own stuff, because they are hidden by the stuff of other people! And we feel suffocated by them!

Okay fascinating! How does this help me?

Well it helps me because it shows me how important it is for me to honour my boundaries. I need boundaries to keep other people’s stuff away, so that I can feel and express what is truly mine! So it’s so important that this happens, or else whenever I find myself with others, I tend to honour what other people want or need, and “neglecting” or ignoring what I really need myself.

But another question that arises, is how do we get rid of all these accumulated stuff… Our parent’s fears, anxieties, emotional neglect? My guess would be to keep honouring the boundaries, finding what I feel to express in each moment, and also maybe softening through any arising fear (that has come from others).

I’d be interested to know what people think! I am fascinated, and I hope people find this helpful.

All the best,

Alex