Marye's adventures

Like some other Openhanders, I felt to start my own thread here on the forum, to share some of my experiences and feelings that don’t necessarily relate to a recent thread, but which I would like to express anyhow. So here we go!

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Hello dear ones (marye, rougebuy, open)

They say the creator gave milk to the baby when there were no teeth and then provided food when the teeth appeared, so would relate the experiences were given to those who had the virtue to handle, although can't comment still on the justification of why all this is happening, have had questions also (similar), but it's good to accept even if things are a mystery and work out with your own experiences as and how you know more...yes for some reason, connecting first and then releasing - made understanding each other easier (metaphor), might be different for different people..

there is positivity in the fact that we were kept moving, feel we are being listened to and helped by spirit. as guided by open, holding on to our sacred ground of being, sometimes have felt it's the otherway around as well that the sacred being is holding us....

"letting it play it's role and trying to watch from the sidelines" from rougebuy, is already a blessed way to look at not worrying about what may be the storyline, uncertainty sometimes opens new ways...

although open would know more, what i have understood is that some form of balance is being given to people in their persona and they are as if being taught to work through, accept some attributes which they are clearly not, especially I feel for people who may be will eventually benefit from this crazy happening

would also say loving little things that you like, even if it meant a small walk in the garden, looking at the beauty and the colors of the leaves or nature, making your cup of tea or something that u really enjoy and quick as well (it has been possible to be creative for having a tasty dish (as a break time) out of even whatever you have in your fridge or go short time targeted shopping

You are blessed if you have been able to sleep sound and get up fresh, although same things might have started again, believe that things will get better and better..

so we do have thankful moments, even in the confusion writing a short gratitude note to God, spirit or however one may call or relate

communicate your true feelings - talking to self and express it out, crying out loud while holding to a chair or sofa if that happens for a while, let it be, it's okay

you have probably been given the expertize to see a thought if conflicted, are allowed to delete or request to delete or as one is encouraged to believe that one is incharge ( be thankful again)

consider you are blessed, if can live in the present mostly, for the time being if no targets happening, consider it being okay and accepting whatever short term

also holding on to your favorite thoughts, people very special to you, a greater love always helps, listening to devotional songs or literature can connect us with higher mind (thank you open)

feel we are being helped, so hold on to yourself for yourself is much more.......



Ok, so I was going to write about an inquiry about the concept/idea of ‘truth’ that I have been having. However, in the process of trying to write my inquiry down that seemed to make so sense in my mind, I got more and more confused about what it was that I was trying to say and where my inquiry was really going. Then I realized that perhaps what I should really be writing about is the sense of confusion that I have been having lately. Although I am not even sure whether ‘confusion’ is actually the right word for what I am trying to express, so there is even confusion about what I am actually confused about…. But it is something to do with the way I experience reality these days that the confusion is related to.

First of all, my brain seems to have become a bit of a sieve and although there are enough things that I do remember, there is so many things these days, even happening yesterday or earlier today, that I already can’t remember now, as if they never even really happened. Secondly, whereas in the past I was able to let’s say ‘structure my thoughts’ into something comprehensible that I could then put into words to convey to others, these days when I try to put things into words, like the inquiry about ‘truth’, there seems to be no structure, just loose threads that don’t come together anywhere, even though somehow internally it makes complete sense to me. Often this leads to either giving up or not even trying to write things down in the first place. Thirdly, I have a lot of loud ringing in my head these days, often making it difficult to concentrate on something and there is a questioning whether this is some kind of interference or rather just more soul coming through that is pushing me out of my usual overthinking self. All in all my ‘mind’ doesn’t seem to function the way it used to, sometimes leading to a kind of ‘apathy’, because when the mind tries to operate as it was used to, it just ends up in a state of confusion.

And somehow the confusion leads to a sense of frustration, frustration for things ‘not working out’ anymore, for feeling like a loose bunch of disconnected threads that don’t seem to come together anywhere.

Does anyone recognize this?


P.S. As I have just posted this, I realize that there is some relationship of what I have written with my previous post on this thread titled ‘no storyline’ and Open’s response to it.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

Sounds like you're having a powerful inquiry indeed Slightly Smiling

This part stood out strongest for me...

there is so many things these days, even happening yesterday or earlier today, that I already can’t remember now, as if they never even really happened. Secondly, whereas in the past I was able to let’s say ‘structure my thoughts’ into something comprehensible that I could then put into words to convey to others, these days when I try to put things into words, like the inquiry about ‘truth’, there seems to be no structure, just loose threads that don’t come together anywhere, even though somehow internally it makes complete sense to me.

I think initially we see truth as something to rationalise - and there are threads of it stretching from the past into the present and then to the future, that seem to make sense, so we build reality around the thoughts. When in authenticity, it's the other way around.

I mean work to let go of the rigid constructs. And you're right - dig deep into the sense of confusion - not needing an answer.

Let the truth of the moment come more as a feeling sense. Then work to build the thoughts around that.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Thanks for your reflections in response to my post. What stood out from your post for me was when you said at the end:

Let the truth of the moment come more as a feeling sense. Then work to build the thoughts around that.

I know that the feeling sense of the moment is already there, but it is the building thoughts around that where the confusion starts, almost as if something is misfiring due to which the feeling sense can’t get ‘translated' into thoughts or words, hence my challenge to write things down. In some way it feels as if the feeling sense and the thoughts are almost like two entities operating in parallel, but often not coming together anywhere, which can lead to a sense of internal friction. In the past my thoughts were definitely dominating and suppressing the feeling sense, but by now they are more at par. However, there is a lot of fear around letting the feeling sense come through more and letting the thoughts follow them, a sense of panic and danger if I do so, making it seem that letting the thoughts be in the driver seat is a more ‘safe’ journey (I can already hear you say ‘life is not safe’ Wink Emoji). And fear is definitely the most challenging thing for me to work through, because my whole body tends to go into flight mode, and all I can think about is how to escape whatever it is that triggers the fear, making it very hard to stay right in the experience and move through it…..

In reply to by Marye

You have described what i am feeling perfectly, although i would not have been able to describe it very well myself! The only word that comes near describing the way i feel at the moment is "disjointed", although i know this is still not quite the right word. But the end result is it leaves me feeling anxious and therefore fearful I am having trouble even finding a way to express to myself my feeling/sense, so at the moment i am letting it play it's role and trying to watch from the sidelines as much as i can. I had a fantastic facilitation by Megha as part of our buddy group experience and what came from that was that my masculine and feminine sides appeared to be in conflict; I am now working to harmonise the two aspects to see if that will catalyse anything.

I have been feeling to post something here for a while now, but somehow when push comes to shove, some strange fear kicks in that stops me from doing so, that creates all sorts of tightness and reasons why not to and postpone. The past few months lots of things have been stirring up internally, but when I try to put things down nothing seems to make sense anymore. It is like at a feeling level things are sensible, but when I try to boil it down to 3D level there seems to be no ‘storyline’ (or perhaps rather there are too many storylines in parallel!). A bit like when in a dream everything seems to make sense, but once you wake up it doesn’t seem to add up anymore. In some way, it is like there is too much, like there are so many realisations at the same time, yet in the midst of them there is no realisation at all…..

Even as I am trying to write this, there is a lot of apprehension, what do I really have to share? where is this going? If I can’t even make sense out of it myself, who would? There is tightness, ‘better just give up now, and don’t waste your time on writing some nonsense’, ‘better delete that sentence now, because people are going to think you don’t have it all together anymore’, ‘surely Open is going to comment on the use of ‘having it all together, you better use a different phrasing’, etc. etc. There is this fear of putting myself out there purely as I am, with all my flaws and weaknesses right on the front cover, rather than trying to hide them or make them at least sound a bit cooler than what they really are. Fear of being ridiculed, of being lectured/corrected, of being abandoned for not being worthy, of being persecuted, you name it…. And is there perhaps shame too? Shame for the part that doesn’t seem to fit in, the part that sometime doesn’t know what is up or down, left or right and more and more seems to be forgetting what happened 2 minutes ago, let alone before that.

Having just written the previous paragraph, the fear is swelling, needing to go back to reread and polish it and make it sounds at least a bit more ‘intelligible’. Yet when I allow myself to sink more into myself, all that seems to want to flow Is some kind of incomprehensible gibberish, that wouldn’t even correspond with any human language…. Sometimes it can feel like 2 different worlds that don’t come together anywhere, other than perhaps within me. On the one hand the incomprehensible gibberish that makes perfect sense to me, but doesn’t seem to translate to my 3 dimensional existence in any way, and at the same time the 3D world, that in many ways doesn’t make much sense to me, other than perhaps to the conditioned construct in my head. And sometimes I don’t know who is who, as if there are multiple identities trapped inside of me and depending on the circumstances one will be dominating in a particular moment. And whilst I am writing this, the mind is feeling uncomfortable about the lack of storyline it is able to determine in what I am putting down right now, feeling a great urge to review and rearrange, so I will need to make an effort to post this in this thread just as is.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije, I'm right there with you. And plenty of others will surely be experiencing what you've articulated - that they feel strangely out of place in the world and that nothing makes sense any more. I've actually been feeling waves of psychosis coming through the field. And that's what can happen as the reality construct you though you were living in starts to break down or transform.

What you said here is illuminating in that regard...

when I try to boil it down to 3D level there seems to be no ‘storyline’ (or perhaps rather there are too many storylines in parallel!). A bit like when in a dream everything seems to make sense, but once you wake up it doesn’t seem to add up anymore. In some way, it is like there is too much, like there are so many realisations at the same time, yet in the midst of them there is no realisation at all…..

The mind shapes a construct so people can mediate safely through the 3D - but it also creates a limiting box. Firstly people are realising that the box created for them has some ugly sides and shadows they never knew existed. And then the box starts to break down. And so the psyche feels insecure. That's okay, it's also necessary. But people then need a "mast in the storm". They need to connect with a different aspect of themselves as theire true centre. At Openhand this is expressed as The Sacred Ground of Being.

It's more a feeling sense rather than an idea about reality. And this is what we must help people feel and align with now.

Much love and support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

As I was feeling into some strong internal energies today, it suddenly dawned to me that I am terrified of these energies and subconsciously suppress them as much as possible. In a way it feels as if I am suppressing my own strength out of fear, overwriting it with a more subdued version of myself, in other words as if I am suppressing myself. When I do allow the energy to rise, there is an incredible heat in my abdominal area, and all I can do is beating pillows, moving frantically, stamping the floor and making noise. Yet as soon as the fear interfers my body contracts, particularly in my shoulder area, and becomes very tense. At the same time there is a kind of grief, a grief of not belonging, particularly when I am with others who for example seem to sit in meditation peacefully, while for me energy is raging inside and it feels like expressing would be disruptive and making myself an ‘outcast’, who is not able to contain or control the energies. I can feel how there is a sophisticated internal system in place to control the strong energies, but also how more and more these strong energies and the control system are clashing internally, creating a lot of physical tension.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marye - it sounds like you might have a strong uprising of 'raptor consciousness', but are afraid of it internally - does that resonate?

The fact that you're feeling heat in the belly would indicate healing is already beginning to happen. I'd say it's a case of letting the energy come through - let it express through you. Let go of your fear about it. Then you'll come into an aligned place with it.

Open Praying Emoji

I wanted to post something, but when I try to write there is just a sense of confusion, as if the threads in my head go in different directions, without lining up anywhere. And there is this feeling, a feeling that is saying a lot, yet can’t be put down into words on paper. Since Friday I have been feeling strange/ill with joint pains, back pains, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, bloatedness, low-grade fevers and lots of internal energy that seems to want to move all over the place. It feels contradictory that my physical body is feeling very sluggish and at the same time there seems to be a lot of energy wanting to move (it actually feels like the joint pains is excessive energy getting clogged up). When I lie down and close my eyes, I seem to be drifting of to some other space, and any attempt to sit in meditation ends up in a non-stop heaving session, to the point that this weekend I found myself with a mouth full of vomit after one heave Grinmacing, which was a first, because until then it had always just been air. On Monday I felt fully physically energized again and I thought I was passed it, but since yesterday I am back to feeling ‘sick’ again and this morning I woke up feeling like I had just been hit by a truck. I am struggling how to ‘be’ with this, without looking for a way for the physical discomfort to go away or to understand what all that I am experiencing is about…


P.S. On another note, I never really posted an update that I jumped off the fence early February and moved ‘home’ to Malawi for now. Although the impact of the virus craze elsewhere in the world is definitely somewhat noticeable here, at the same time with no testing facilities, it means there is ‘no’ virus here yet and life pretty much goes on as usual Slightly Smiling

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije - sounds like you're going through the mill! What you describe are the symptoms of the virus itself. But perhaps you're empathising with the energy of the system. I've had various curious energies move through me these last few days too. Although yours does sound pretty intense.

It'll be fascinating to see how things play out where you are in Malawi where there's no system fear pandemic.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Marye

Dear Marye, 

I am hesitant to write this but I shared the details of my snot filled weeks, so what the heck :)

Since the last few days I am feeling elated. Almost like I'm full of light. It's such a strange experience in the midst of the contracted experience everyone else is having. I am consciously trying to empathize with the state of Fear people around me are feeling. But I feel drunk on spring. The flowers, the sky ( visible now as the pollution in so much reduced). And the trees!! Everything is so joyful and bright.

Am I suppressing mightily? I have gotten back to my fasting routine and am eating healthy foods. And playing with my kid as she is off from school. And keeping myself embodied because I am facing the onslaught of Fear based media. And yet, I feel this under current of light!

( is there something wrong with me ?)



Hi Sam,

Thanks for your feedback, it is indeed a joy to be connecting here! I realise that by now I might be connecting with your through the ether in La Palma and you might only see this once you get back…. It is funny that you most loved the third phrase in Dutch, because that is actually the one I don't fully understand and made me most wonder ‘who wrote this’ Slightly Smiling.

There are a few things that jumped out from your post for me, namely responsibility, caring and authentic expression that seemed to be related, but I can already feel that feeling, of trying to make sense of what I am trying to say as I am writing, arising. It is interesting what you say about there being no rudeness and negativity here on the platform, because what people express is ‘real’, in other words when people express really authentically then perhaps it doesn’t come across as rude? Would that mean that only if what people write is not ‘real’ or authentic it could be perceived as rude? And in that light, what does it mean to be ‘caring’ or ‘not caring’? Is perhaps the only responsibility that we have in terms of ‘caring’ for others to express authentically/real?

I relate to a lot of the things you raise, but I am still curious what you mean by ‘caring or not caring about your impact on your environment’? Isn’t this something very subjective as you already somewhat allured to in distinguishing between your own sense of caring and the sense of the other. And what if your environment is really in the need of a bit of drama to evolve on their journey, then would avoiding to rock the boat be a matter of ‘caring’ for the other or rather ‘not caring’ for the other? One of my inquiries based on my personal experiences has been whether too much ‘caring’ or taking responsibility for others can in fact become smothering for the other side and therefore rather disempowering (and in this power dynamic the ‘caring’ side perhaps having issues around needing to be in control?).

Finally, I am quite curious about the following you wrote:

As I realize that everything is in this moment, and all the rest forms as a result from it, there's no need in dragging things along 'all the time', nor dealing with fear, as the fear for me is the uncertainty of a desired outcome, triggered by past failure.

Not sure why, but there seems to be something avoidant in this for me, particularly there being ‘no need dealing with fear’. If everything is in the moment and fear arises in that moment for whatever reason (regardless of whether the fear is related to the moment or past failure, which might in effect be one and the same) then I would say there is something to be dealt with and faced in that moment?

Just pondering…


Wow that is deeply moving Marije. I really feel your soul coming through in that. And I've not heard you express in that way before. There's certainly no need to polish. And I would say it would inspire many, should they read it. Awesome Thumbs Up Sign

When I began my journey here and experienced a dramatic shift towards being the real me, there was a strong sense to express, no matter what. It ALWAYS came through distorted, but how else would you be able to resolve the expression and align it?

Keep expressing. You have an untapped stream of beauty there.

Open Praying Emoji


You wrote in response to my post in another thread today:

Whatever we have a fear of, we must confront at some point, if we are to be truly free

One of my fears is about putting myself out there uncensored and unpolished, vulnerable I suppose, probably because of the fear of being judged negatively and then rejected/persecuted. So I thought to create an opportunity to confront that fear here by just letting the words flow and then putting them out here. As I was writing the words below down I had to suppress the temptation to polish them up, because it was not yet good enough, to not get carried away by thoughts of what people might think of it or what I was actually trying to say here and how I might explain the meaning to others. And I was witnessing the tightness arising every time I would think about putting the words out here. And then as I am writing this I suddenly see myself in a fire squad just before being shot, which stirs up a lot of emotion. Karma perhaps, though my mind thinks I just have too much fantasy. 

And now that I have put this down here, there is an enormous tightness about pressing the 'save' button for this post and a temptation to just delete these words as if they never existed in the first place. So I suppose my freedom lies in pressing that save button nevertheless.....?


Authentic me can’t take it anymore,

keeping up appearances of what it is not,

just to maintain peace and not discomfort others.


Authentic me just wants to express itself,

in every color of the rainbow, unrestricted,

even if that causes discomfort to others.


Authentic me is free like a bird,

to sing whatever song arises,

happy or sad.


Authentic me accepts everyone as they are,

including itself,

without exception.


Authentic me is ready to surrender,

to the lessons that life has to offer,

without fear.


Authentic me, a beautiful beingness,

that is ready to be set free,

from the shackles of the ego.


Authentic me, I love you,

Authentic you, I love me.

Hi Marije,

My experience of the flow is that it can be really subtle in the beginning, in terms of it directing you. And in the beginning you can find yourself sitting still for some period of time before anything moves at all this way.

Also, coming from a place where we're continually strategising and formulating from the mind, to where you can comfortably flow from being takes a big transition. I would say a minimum of 1 year deprogramming, and that would only be so quick, because a person was completely committed to a process of "not-doing". I would rather say to allow a period of 18 months to 2 years. And that would still be pretty quick.

I completely recognise the state of this deprogramming as going "haywire", or else the feeling of being pulled in different directions. And when you put a flow in action, for it to apparently keep failing.

There still so much speculation out there and idealisation of what living from the soul really means. It is full on, in terms of it's contradiction to the matrix - if you're truly following it. The matrix, and people, will try to crystalise it and enslave it at every twist and turn. There has to be a lot of commitment and determination to confront and unravel in the face of this.

You've taken a great step and made a bold move. But that doesn't mean everything will now click effortlessly into place. It's the beginning. Work in progress. Now's the time to make it really count, really worthwhile, by focussing on every single step, every single moment. How are you being invited to be now? To hold in that space until a impetus of right action moves you.

And still there will be plenty of times where you slip into the programs again. Keep watching these, it's okay that they happen, but as soon as you can, catch yourself in them and work to unravel.

No worries. You're doing the right thing. Just work on patience and allowing.

I'd say the Africa retreat has come at exactly the right time!

Big hug your way - See you there

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Hi Marye - it's only when you go out on a limb that you find the best fruit!

And so it is, you made these momentous changes, and so now the possibility for transformation and forging of the soul is all abound - and yes, did anyone say this would then all be plain sailing? You know the answer to that one!

I felt to pick up on this that you said, becasue I know a lot of people experience the judgment and projection when they step out and dare to be them...

‘So where are you going?’, ‘I don’t know yet’, has been a frequent exchange with people I know during these times. ‘What? So you first quit your job without knowing what you are going to do next and now you have given up your house, without knowing where you are going?’. A lot of discomfort in the process was caused by the reflections and projections of the world around me (which of course I was manifesting for some reason!), that surely you should have some kind of plan or know where you are going and I found it hard to relate to people that actually I didn’t. It is like there are some unconscious expectations about the world and how people behave and if you don’t fulfill those, it raises a lot of questions.

The only reasons the questions, judgments and projections persist, is becasue (as you probably realise), you're inviting them yourself because you have the issue about what you're (not) doing, or not having a plan. If you were comfortable with this, it would reflect back at the questioner with a knowing amusement that they would feel. The questions then cease.

So it's work in progress. Keep unwinding the need "to do" - to be somehow justfied (as an identity) by being fixated in a position. Keep working to unravel this and finding comfort in the inner - let that become home and purpose.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for your reflections. There is indeed an identity that has a fixation on doing things or having a plan to justify itself, that gets affected by external judgement. Interestingly what has been happening since coming to Malawi is that all my plans here constantly seem to be going haywire. Partly that is the nature of how things happen here, constantly changing and in the moment, but for some reason something has been feeling 'off' about it, as if it isn't flowing (which comes with a sense of frustration), and I have been wondering why I am manifesting this. I can see two possibilities, either I am still too much operating from the mind and not well in tune with the flow, so every time I plan something 'out of line' with the flow, the universe reflects that back to me by the plan going haywire. Or alternatively, I might have an expectation or attachment about what the flow 'clicking in' and feeling right should be like, but maybe there is an invitation to surrender and embrace that everything going haywire might well be the perfect flow I needed to manifest....


It has been a while since I last posted something here while I was right in the midst of unwinding my apartment in the Netherlands early September. In the meantime so much has happened and processed (was it only 2 months or rather 2 years!) that there is so much I could write about, which makes it daunting to get started. So let’s just see what wants to flow here now……

Last time I shared about my fear of going mad or rather the fear of being labeled as mad by the outside world and since that post I ended up going even deeper into that fear, though I don’t feel I have reached the bottom of it yet. I can clearly see how this fear can keep me from fully surrendering into things as well as that is has created a kind of ‘sane’ alterego that can be presented to the outside world, which needs to be safeguarded at all times. By now the possibly slightly mad authentic self is getting fairly fed up with this alterego and is ready to come out in the open (almost feels a bit like a ‘coming out of the closet’), which creates quite a bit of tension with the remaining layers of fear and can create a whole lot of panic. Greatly indebted here to one of my fellow facilitators for just being present with me while I was freaking out during the final stages of my moving out process, and being there to make sure nobody would call an ambulance on me! The latter reassurance allowed me to go into the panic more than I normally would have, though I still feel I am yet to explore the very rock bottom of it….

The moving out of the Netherlands process was an intense journey. Letting go of material things was actually the easier part, other than some things that have a personal value, which are now in storage, whereas the leaving behind people is always the harder part for me. It triggers a sense of guilt for ‘abandoning’ friends and family, which during the process would bring up constant doubt about making the right ‘choice’. In the end I organized a small farewell gathering for friends and family, which helped me to come to a closure on that. Something else that really came to the surface in the process was a conditioning from my upbringing to always be well prepared for the worst case scenario (which will likely never happen), which was giving me a lot of stress and sleepless nights, again very much something fear related…. I would for example lay awake at night figuring out what to do if on the day of moving out all my friends who had said they would come to help carry things to the moving van, would suddenly pull out. The most unlikely scenario (and in the end I of course ended up with more than enough people to help), yet the one that would give me a lot of stress. And even though rationally it made no sense whatsoever, internally things would be very unsettled, making sure that even in that unlikely event I had a backup plan ready….

Then the day came that I handed in the keys of my apartment and was left with myself and a suitcase. Not to cause any further stress, I purposely hadn’t given much thought during the moving out process about what to do next or where to go, but now I suddenly found myself without a ‘base’ or a clue where I would be sleeping that week, which brought a new sense of stress and of course images of worst case scenarios finding myself sleeping under the bridge or in the train station at night. Contemplating on what would be so bad about those scenarios, I realized it wasn't so much about sleeping under the bridge, but rather about it being unsafe, being unprotected and at the risk of attack there, particularly as a woman (so if I knew there would be someone to protect me from attack while sleeping under the bridge, I could happily sleep there). Of course all magically worked out in the end, with even a nice Airbnb that suddenly had cancelations and where I could stay for a week longer without additional charge while the owner went abroad. Yet, that is all in hindsight, which couldn’t prevent the stress beforehand. This actually makes me think about what Open wrote to Vimal yesterday, about the path revealing itself as we look backwards, which I know very well to be true, yet my mind would so much like to find peace and security in it being the other way around! Yes, a sense of security seems to be the red thread here…..

‘So where are you going?’, ‘I don’t know yet’, has been a frequent exchange with people I know during these times. ‘What? So you first quit your job without knowing what you are going to do next and now you have given up your house, without knowing where you are going?’. A lot of discomfort in the process was caused by the reflections and projections of the world around me (which of course I was manifesting for some reason!), that surely you should have some kind of plan or know where you are going and I found it hard to relate to people that actually I didn’t. It is like there are some unconscious expectations about the world and how people behave and if you don’t fulfill those, it raises a lot of questions. This starts touching on what I chose as the topic of this post ‘empty space, out-of-place’, which sums up the main feelings I have been exploring during the past months. Trying to stay open and not having a clear plan or purpose to focus on feels like an empty space to me. I can see that this is a place of great potential and freedom, yet to me it feels very unsettling and I have to constantly remain vigilant for the mind to not quickly grab onto something, just to have a sense of security or purpose. The sense of ‘purposelessness’ contributes to the sense of being ‘out-of-place’, the sense of not really having a place or purpose within the bigger whole (which I know is not true, but that is the way it feels like). Perhaps I could say that the ‘sane’ alterego I talked about above has got a place somewhere, but that the authentic self doesn’t really have a place within the ‘system’. Maybe the place of the authentic self is actually in that empty space, where there is no real place to fit into….

In the end after sorting out a few last bits and bobs in the Netherlands at least some ‘wheres’ or destinations came about in Africa. Working around facilitating at the South Africa retreat and the wedding of a dear friend in Malawi, I ended up going back to my second (or should I rather say first) home in Malawi for now, from where I will travel to South Africa and then in December I will proceed to Kenya for three weeks. As return flights tend to be cheaper than single flights, I have a return ticket to be in the Netherlands for Christmas, but then for 2020 things still look very ‘empty’ with regards to where I might be. So far it has been great to be back in Malawi, where I always find a strange sense of ‘home’ and internally feel much more free and in a flow then when I am in Europe, yet at the same time there is always a sense of feeling ‘out-of-place’ here or not really belonging or fitting in anywhere. Most of my friends here are Malawian and I have never been an active member of the expatriate community around, yet due to the distinct difference of skin colour, I end up being the ‘white sheep’ in the crowd, clearly not fully ‘belonging’ (that of course leads to the constant question ‘where are you from?’, which I dread answering with ‘Netherlands’, yet when I tell people ‘planet earth’ instead, I also get weird and unsatisfied faces!). On the one hand, this can be an advantage, because it means I am not expected to comply with the strong cultural conditioning here of how to behave or not to behave, but on the other hand it means that I will always remain an outsider…. I suppose what gets triggered by feeling out-of-place is a deep sense of loneliness, of being completely on my own in the end. Which relates to a recent inquiry about ‘being replaceable’, which brought up a lot of grief for me. That whatever kind of special relationship or friendship we might be in or whatever special bond we might have with our family or kids, if for whatever reason we fall away, for example through death, break-up or moving away, we will probably be ‘replaced’ at some point and someone else will take on the role we used to fulfill. While writing this, I realise the word ‘place’ seems to be an underlying thread, with out-of-place, replaceable and replaced featuring in what I wrote above. And the question arises, ‘can something that is out-of-place be replaced?’, no idea why though and what the relevance of this question is in relation to the above. And there is something about searching for my place in this world and the realization that perhaps my place is in the ‘empty space’, though the mind is not very comfortable with this idea and would like to find something more tangible than that!

Despite being on the move now in Africa and there being an answer to ‘where are you going?’ question, I still don’t really have a clear purpose or goal for being here (other than perhaps the South Africa retreat Slightly Smiling) and thus no clear answer to the question ‘why are you here?’ ‘what are you doing here?’, although I know on a deeper level I am here to be present and unveil more of my authentic self under the surface. For my mind this is a very restless place to be in and it is therefore constantly wanting to fill this ‘empty space’ with some kind of reason or purpose, leading to things ‘to do’. There are days here that I wake up in the morning and go ‘so what now?’ and have no idea what to do with my time that day…. This might sound like a great place to be in, but for me it makes me restless, I suppose I am not that good at just sitting still and waiting for things to happen! I

Lastly, where I feel quite out-of-place is witnessing inauthentic, conditioned societal behavior, people just blindly following protocols and structures. I am noticing that something inside of me is getting more and more impatient with this and would almost want to scream ‘Just get real, people! Show me who you really are, rather than acting like a puppet of the system!’ Yet as I write this, I wonder how much of that I could actually scream to myself and how much I am still a puppet myself, not showing who I really am out of fear for becoming even more out-of-place than I already feel I am…..

There is always more to say, but I have already written a lot, so I will leave it here for now with my update!


Hi Marije - of course I can't say ALL allergies are karmic, but I'm sure some are.

And yes, when they come up, rather than just dealing with the symptoms, it's important to explore into the underlying feelings - to see where there might be karma at the source.

Open Praying Emoji

Open, thanks for the reflections about the Atlantean karma and animal hybridisation (maybe it is time to get my copy of Divinicus back from the person I borrowed it to and reread it). Quite fascinating, I am definitely not one of those with attachments to animals through a heightened sense of empathy, because I have never been big on engaging with animals. I do have a very irrational fear of dogs though (particularly if they bark and are big enough to jump up to my face), so I wonder if that could be part of that kind of karma too.

I am meanwhile back in the Netherlands and the allergy symptoms have definitely changed and are less than in Brazil, though I had a very strong allergy response on Saturday after spending time in a place with a lot of dust, that kept me awake throughout the night (even more than 2 hours of Openhand meditations in the middle of the night didn't bring much relief!). So how does one work through this kind of karma (and thus the allergies)? Is it a matter of fully going into the discomfort of the allergy symptoms when they arise (which can be so hard!) and see what comes up? Yet it is so hard to not already get attached to alleviating the allergy symptoms as an outcome of such a process!

Eric, Nice to 'see' you here! It was indeed great to meet in Bruges and to be neighbors in the field there Slightly Smiling. Interesting the Aquaman synchronicity, I hope you will find a chance to watch it soon, if you haven't already. And what an interesting synchronicity about the misspelling of appalingly, it indeed seems that there was a message for you there about Atlantis!! I had stumbled over that word when I read Open's response, but perhaps because English is not my native tongue, I had not realised it was because it was misspelled.

The post job adventure is an interesting exploration with lots of highs and lows, which I am sure you know all about yourself! There is a constant inquiry with on the one hand the part of me that might still have attachments to the old reality and the risk to unconsciously recreate something similar that feels more safe and secure, and on the other hand with the part of me that is ready for a new reality that might involve taking a bit more risk. It is amazing to see how my perspective keeps on shifting from moment to moment, what seems to feel right one moment, doesn't necessarily seem right anymore a few hours later and so on. To be continued....


Hi Marije,

Long time no see! It was awesome meeting you in Bruges and comforting to feel your strength of presence to my left. 😊 

I’ve been exploring allergic reactions myself for a long time, to insect bites in my case. I haven’t seen Aquaman yet, but curiously just this morning I came across the movie title poster and the pull to watch was so strong that I made a note in my journal to watch it ASAP. 

Plus Open said some of the experiments turned out apPAULingly so maybe some Atlantis related karma is meant to churn up for me too...😂 

Hope month 2 post job departure is going well!


There are many aspects and different threads to the Atlantean karma. One being that they experimented with human/animal hybrids, that often turned out pretty appaulingly. Imagine being a soul drawn into that kind of situation. It could certainly present as allergies (to animals for example) caused by the karma. Or else over attachment to them through a heightened sense of empathy.

Something to ponder

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks, yes I have been wondering why the body would respond so strongly to trivial things like dust and animals. Still wondering how to best work with these allergies, aware that I have a slight attachment of wanting it to go away....

I am quite curious about your mention of Atlantean karma though and how this would relate to allergies? Synchronistically I was watching the movie 'Aquaman' on the plane coming here, which features Atlantis. And the island Florianopolis where I am in Brazil seems to have quite an old and interesting history, so I wonder if it has any connection to Atlantis....

Hi Marije,

Yes, an interesting one - I do believe allergies are karmic, yes. In two ways.

First think about it - we've evolved over millions of years on the planet, and billions if you see it as one progression. So why should humanity have allergies to such obvious things?

Firstly I think it's because Homo Sapiens has been hybridised to fit within a synthetic reality.
I'd say also that plenty of starsouls have challenges here with this reality that manifests physically.
And there will be some curious Atlantean karma where the Intervention experimented with various types of human/animal hybrid.

So yes, a bit of a mix!

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

I have an inquiry about allergies/allergic reactions and what is behind them energetically. I have allergies for dust mite, cats, dogs and overall my nose tends to be sensitive for things in the air. Generally, these have been quite manageable and don't bother me that much. However, the past two weeks I have been in Brazil and suddenly, my allergies have really flared up for no clear reason (different country/continent perhaps?), at first I still tried to find a 'logical' reason for it, such as staying somewhere with cats, sleeping on an old mattress,  the humidity because of rains, but I have a sense that there is more to it than that. It was particularly bad  at night, with itchy, swollen eyes (which is usually mostly in response to cats and dogs) and a sour, painful throat keeping me awake. I have been meditating with it during the night, which would bring a little bit of relief, but it was hard to really get into the discomfort (at some point I just really wanted to scratch my eyes out to stop the itching!). Any reflections on why allergies manifest and how to work with them? Can allergies be karmic? 

Hi Nils,

Great to see you here, and good that your integrations are creating a more aligned outer mirror in life Thumbs Up Sign

I would definitely say the tinitus here is to do with the integration of higher energetic frequencies.

With regards shame, remember each distortion will conceal a hidden truth - therefore to work to unravel the truth and let go of the distortion. I would say the aligned expression of shame is accountability. We are not to blame for our distortions of the past, but accountable for finding aligned expression once we become conscious of them. No one is beyond such density from the journey of life!

Looking forwards to seeing you next down the flow

Open OK Hand SignPraying Emoji

Thank you, Marije for posting this, after I asked you about it on messenger. 

I too have had intense ringing in my ears lately, both the high pitched variant, which I interpreted as some kind of hearing damage (though not being exposed to very loud noise), and in addition a low-pitched very intense ringing in my left ear. 

Since my last Openhand retreat in june last year, Cae Mabon, I've been doing intense inner work, resulting in outer reflections, a lot of them not very pleasant or reassuring. Finally I feel I'm really on a good track, my reflections suddenly shifting dramatically, meeting lots of new people with instant connection, and the intense ringing in my ears coincides with this period. In this respect Opens response makes sense to me. Also I don't find the ringing a nuisance, it's just there, which supports this view. 

I do find it awkward to write and post this, which let's me know that I still have a lot of shame to process. However I find myself less idenfified with it then before, it's just there, and it CAN be processed and healed. 

So grateful for all I've learnt and experienced from the Openhand community. Looking forward to new retreats in the future. It's so easy to get lost in spiritual circles, and I've met a couple of dead ends this year, until finally realizing, more than on an intellectual/conceptual level, that I can only find what I'm searching for within myself. Support and guidance in the process is however not a bad idea, probably paramount during the process. 

With gratitude


Hi Marije, my sense is that this is NOT to do with an entity. I would say that what's happening is that you, as a being, are attuning to higher energetic frequencies, infusing soul, which is then needing to integrate. This might well cause an energetic dissonance that manifests as the ringing. I'd say the key is to to keep working on the transformation, working through the density and integrating the higher vibrational beingness. Then the sound should go away, because it becomes a part of the new beingness.

Best wishes

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

I have an inquiry about ringing/buzzing ears, something I asked about before above (link). I always associated ringing ears with the potential presence of an entity, but I remember in your response to that post you were hinting on the lower vehicle being realigned to embrace the spirit light body. In the past week or so I am experiencing very loud ringing in my ears again (probably the loudest I can remember) in both ears, to the point that yesterday I had difficulty falling asleep, because the ringing was so loud. I am just wondering what the different sources of ringingears can be. Other than an entity or the lower vehicle aligning for the spirit light body are there any other possibilities? The other day I was wondering if solar flares can be of influence here and perhaps if one gets more sensitive to radiation if that can cause ringing? And regardless of the underlying cause for the ringing, so you have any suggestions how to best work with this? I would be interested to hear your reflections!

The good thing Marije is that you can clearly see the bloakge - not wanting to disappoint people and then possible rejection. So what is it in this, that you're rejecting about yourself?

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks for your reflections! I am not sure I actually discovered the 95% rule in divine manifestation as you explained it, but I do get where you are coming from (of course I know nothing is 100% certain and therefore no choice will be 100% right). Rationally I all very well understand what you explained above, but I am someone who does have a tendency to get stuck in this 5% of uncertainty, particularly when other people are involved and potentially having to disappoint them if things end up going in a different direction than what I committed to. As I am writing this, I can actually feel a lot of tightness and control around making sure not to disappoint others. The tightness seems related to what they might do to you if you don’t stick to your commitment and the possible ‘rejection’ by others. Moreover, even if I hold that 5% periphal awareness and might notice things was to move in a different direction, I am more likely to ignore this and stick to my original commitment…. again not to disappoint. Though I can see that I can see that I am already a lot less rigid with this than I used to be. In the past I might have still dragged myself sick to an appointment, just because I had made the commitment and felt bad to cancel. And I used to also expect the same kind of commitment from others in return and could get very disappointed if people would cancel last-minute, but on that front I have made good progress over the years and I can be at peace with it now.  

Still some work to do here on getting comfortable with leaving room for the 5% to unfold regardless of the consequences and possible disappointments!

Hi Marije - wonderful, you discovered the "95% rule" in divine manifestation! Thumbs Up Sign

What do I mean by this?

In the world of 3D logic, where everything processes through egoic mind, there is a tendency to work within the idea of certainties... "if I pick the cup up then I can drink", "if I catch the bus at A, then it will take me to B", "if I plan this with 'them' then it's pretty much sure to happen". Okay, things don't always work out, but when you think about it, most of life is working towards making sure of the certainty of something within defined parameters.

This is all false!

Think about it: we exist in a relativistic reality that is created by two different but related flows - Unity Consciousness and Separation Consciousness. You only know hot in relation to cold; up in relation to down; me in relation to you. There are no absolutes. This has an essential consequence when you start to create more aligned with the flow...

You can't know the reality you're perceiving is 100% real. What is 'real' if everything is only a relativistic perception? As the ancient adage goes, "you could be a butterfly dreaming you're a woman!" Okay, the synchronicity tells you that you're being a 'woman' at this time, but what does that mean exactly? The mind forms fixations and rigid internal relationships around what 'woman' means, and yet what you - as the soul - are really experiencing are various loops of Separation Consciousness flowing in relation to Unity Consciousness that is kind of like 50% (or there abouts) of the population; but in actual fact, it is an experience that is totally unique to you. You are a soul dreaming an experience that reasonably approximates to a label society has called 'woman'.

What this means is that you can never really label anything as "100% real".
You cannot therefore take any step which is "100% certain".
There is no choice that is "100% right".

What you can do however, is feel something that is a fair degree aligned with the natural flow itself - bearing in mind that this too is a perception - therefore not 100% absolute, not 100% real. Therefore what I've found when following the flow is not to aim for certainty, not to NEED certainty. In fact (as you've uncovered) I work to see if I can be 95% sure of the reality I'm in, and the step I'm about to take. I've heard that from one or two others down the flow aswell, so it was good to see others realising the same thing, even down to the same percentage of 95%.

So how I work with this is to feel into something until I can be 'sure' to a 95% degree. The other 5% I hold as 'doubt' or more accurately 'uncertainty'. With this uncertainty I apply active awareness and inquiry: "what is happening now?" "how is the flow going now?" "what is authentic reality now". I constantly hold that 5% uncertainty as peripheral awareness going forwards.

How can this work within the matrix where people are so fixed on certain necessary outcomes?

What I put to you is that no one can really be sure of anything, even if society works to plan things that way. Yes, people want to live in 'certainity', but that is an illusion, a fabrication. Therefore somehow you have to bridge into this reality and how other people need to 'play the game'. Which for me means to feel something (a step for example) until I'm 95% sure, to commit wholeheartedly in that direction, but only with 95% certainty that's where I'm going. I hold the other 5% as peripheral awareness, continually observing and watching for the flow possibly to change.

You do have to be careful with this '5%' uncertainty' part though - that it doesn't escalate and become an identity that is always doubting and then derailing. So you have to work to unwind this where it might arise.

I do believe that if you explore approaching steps with the "95% certainty rule" then you'll find greater peace with the steps you feel to take and build in a degree of flexibility in case things change. I've found it does help the mind relax.

Wishing you (95%) well!

Open Smiling With Sweat EmojiPraying Emoji


I have recently been contemplating my challenges with ‘commitment’. I find it very hard to commit to something if I am not sure if I can commit a full 100% to it. It is like if I am 95% committed to something, but there is 5% not sure, then I find it very difficult to say yes to something. This usually leads to putting things off and procrastination until I reach the 100%. Thus when I am really sure about something it is quite easy, I just go for it, but in most other situations I find myself sitting on the fence. I have been pondering what’s behind this and it seems there is some kind of unconscious programming that once you commit to something there is no going back, unless there is an emergency. So when I for example agree to meet someone on a particular date in the future, it means that this fixed and there is no room for me to cancel (which would almost feel like a crime). Hence, when I am not sure if on that date there might be something else with a conflicting timing, I hold off from committing myself. I realise that there is something about not wanting to disappoint other people underneath it, which makes that I find it hard to commit if I am not 100% sure. Say I am 95% sure, then it means there is a 5% chance of having to disappoint someone if I commit myself, so in order to avoid that I don’t until I am sure. Something that Heike wrote somewhere on another thread today resonated in that regard:

‘Making a mistake through some failing on my part, something that I could have done better, something that could have been avoided if only I had paid more attention. ‘

I can see how as a consequence I often keep many balls up in the air waiting for the certainty to land first, which is often not very helpful and I might even be disappointing others by my inability to commit. Is there anyone who recognizes this commitment avoidance, who might have any tips for me?

Today while cleaning up I stumbled into a little notebook that I labeled 'PhD inspiration and frustration notebook' at the time, at least 10 years ago (way before I ever knew about the Breakthrough approach Slightly Smiling). I felt joyful and sad at the same time when I read what I wrote:

It might all come down to accepting losing control and embracing the idea that I might fail. A thought that brings me stress and fear. And even when I am trying to let go, I am trying to do this out of control. So my mind is actually trying to control the letting go, but this is exactly where problem is, the mind trying to control what it should let go off. Rather than just observing what is going on in my body and mind and accepting it the way it is, I am still trying to control it with my mind. And even if there is a short moment I manage to let go, my mind is there to make a judgement about it.'

A sense of sadness, because I feel I still haven't fully cracked this one. I can definitely see that I have made progress on the way, but also how I sometimes still get stuck in similar 'loops'. Moreover, reading this is a good reminder for me that insights or understanding about something don't always hold any key to working through it and might even become an obstruction..... 

Just felt to share....

Hi Megha,

There's little we can do for those who stay asleep and refuse to see the changes that are coming. Except that is, to be ourselves, keep shining our light and show a steady rock solid calmness when we can - which of course involves breaking through the fear first.

Maybe the fear is karmic related? Maybe it's because of the impact that will happen to some as they are taken by 'surprise'? Nevertheless, in the big picture, unconsciousness will always be taken by surprise by consciousness. It's just the way things are and something for us to accept.

A key thing for you will be to work to depersonalise it.
Why should it be any different what happens to friends and family, as opposed to people on the other side of the world you don't know? Are we not all one?

Something to contemplate. Attachments will form to those around you, but work to depersonalise the impact of the Shift. It's all happening within consciousness. It's essential to dig deep and let go.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji


Hi Marije, Megha and Open, 
Maybe I can reflect with my experiences. Some of the things that are moving through me. 

Frustration for losing the peaceful state, disappointment with how things are, anxiety of the future, not caring attitude and a giving up of efforting and wanting to be different , being absolutely vulnerable to the people around me without money, career, resources, talent, answers. Letting go of control and letting the control to the divine. Willingness to take whatever comes my way. Not running away from emotional pain but having trust that whatever is happening is exactly what should happen.

Self judgment for still holding some of the outdated old beliefs which I thought I was through. Especially when I see or feel inadequacy in relationships. Feeling obliged to act or behave in a certain way in relationships. Not wanting to be seen without value. Fear of being depended on others and hence having to conform to others ideas of how things should be. Fear of being seen as a nuisance, or not being needed, rejected. Being powerless and without a choice.

Atratching success with feeling graceful, expanded and feeling of failure, mistake, self critiscm for the error.

The 'nuisance' stands apart in what I wrote. I have the memory of all the time I was sent out, punished, humiliated in the classroom in school for just being me.

Having a perfect image in the mind and an urge, impulse, a wanting to follow it. Attaching peace, happiness with perfection.

I keep trying to sleep ideally at night that is at a fixed time switching off all technology and meditating and relaxing to sleep but something or the other causes me to shift from this ideal case. I end up waking very tired, nauseated, thoughts runninng through my head. Some days if I meditate, let go of effort, let go of control, become curious and open, be nothing in it, then I can 'regain' the peaceful state. Other times like today I can't or otherwise there is a giving up of this effort to control and change. I have a question if you can answer, how does this entity attack relate to the pain body.

Wishing you all well


PS: Sorry if some of the things I wrote seems out of place, personal or irrelevant to the above sharings. I copied it from the journal I wrote in the morning. But they somehow seems to resonate with your experiences. 


Hi Megha and Marije - these shifts are not at all easy. When you think of all the density you've 'consumed' in the years you've been here and the level of embodiment of the Old Paradigm, you can expect it'll take some years of 'cold turkey' to unravel it all. And if the unravelling leaves you in a place where you can't move or articulate for a while, the best thing to do, if at all possible, would be to stay put and let it all process through.

There's a section in 5GATEWAYS where I've explained that as you switch to the energy of the True Self at Transfiguration, you'll feel like you simply can't communicate or function through the old neural pathways any more. They feel like a travesty of rightness. So at times you will likely feel as if you can't function. But if you honour these feelings and confront any fear of that, if you can surrender into the openness underlying it, then new and aligned functionality will emerge.

Megha, just something that jumped out... why are you trying to 'get everyone to wake up'.... to climate change?
Likelihood is that becomes unproductive and frustrating. Either they get it or they don't.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Dear Open ,

I think the answer to that is ' Panic ' . I am feeling a deep sense of forboding especially since friends and family continue fast asleep in denial. To me ,not only intellectually ,I can feel.whats coming in my bones now( maybe that is what is different?). 

I am struggling ,there is no doubt . And therefore your post about breaking through Fear is most timely. Through experience ,I know it's perhaps possible to cross the mountain of Fear that has come up for me . But that is not my current reality at all. I am also feeling into what feels like several lifetimes worth of abandonment . That too is anything but fun . I am coming up for air intermittently ,but for the most part I am drowning as consciously as I can muster . 

Yesterday I did the Higher guidance meditation. To begin with it didn't feel like I could ever come the density and I didn't feel propelled at all. Then I saw how I was encircled by what looked like a circle of Angels ,guides?

A white haired man 'stepped in 'and said something ,I don't remember what but it was gently supportive .

It's back to the density for me. Though ,I could feel the beauty of the flowers today ! 

Lots of love to everyone especially you Marije. I will re read the chapter you mention  ,Open . Reflections are welcome !



Reflection,suggestions are most welcome 

Open, thanks for your further insights about the pain body and Megha, thanks so much for tuning in, sometimes it is just comforting to know you are not the only one in the dumps! Not sure I have any reflections for you, as I am looking for more reflections myself too. Particularly on how to deal with this pain body, because at the moment I am finding it quite challenging to function in my 'normal' 3D existence, as there seems to be something else going on in my body that I have very little say in. At least over the weekend and yesterday I had most time for myself and was able to withdraw myself from the rest of the world, but today I spend a whole day in a training, whilst feeling the strangest things moving through my body and tomorrow morning I am traveling to Italy for a 3-day conference. Normally I am the first to be looking forward to any travel opportunity, but right now all I can think about is to just pull a big blanket over my head and hide in my bed until I feel a bit more sane again....

It all feels so strange that I am not even sure how to explain what is going on, very strange and intense headaches, feeling like there are (too!) strong waves of energy moving through my body, weird sensations/movements in the area of my lowest chakras, sometimes with feelings of nausea, all sort of strange aches all over my body, strange flickering in the corner of my eyes/vision, sometimes feeling I really have to make an effort to not start stumbling/falling over words when I speak, needing much more effort than normal to concentrate on following a conversation, my body feeling super heavy (I did the bow meditation yesterday and really felt like I wouldn't be able to come back up again), etc. etc. I am there with it mostly, but it is not at all easy and I can really feel the part of me that wishes it to ease at least a bit!

So any insights welcome, but also sharings from anyone else who might be in the dumps too is always useful as a reflection or to support each other! 

Dear Marye,

I hear you and most importantly ,I feel all your emotions that you have written about . The last 4-5 days have been brutal. Started with me feeling waves of energy coming out from the heart to my palms . And feeling a general sense of It don't want to be here. We are definitely on the same telepathic level because in the past two days ,I am trying to get everyone to 'wake up '. Sharing newspaper articles and write ups on the immediacy of climate change . On Sunday I roused myself out of feeling totally hopeless and went to speak to media people on how air pollution has to be the number one election issue in my town .( And it isn't - we live in the most polluted city in the WORLD!!!) . 

A few days ago ,while meditating I had a very interesting experience . I actually 'saw' how our attachments are the scaffolding around which our energy makes a structure that we called our lives. I also 'saw' the wounded dragon you have spoken of before. It is an energy that sits around the solar plexus for me and for the first time I felt it as not my own ( sorry if that sounds convoluted) . I haven't gotten down to either transmitting it or working with it yet. Just saying I finally know what you are talking about . 

I am ,like you Marye ,extremely down in the dumps. I can feel there are these cords of energy that I have been avoiding and resisting feeling around by heart and throat. I can see how this is multidimensional energy cords made up if grief and abandonment and other fun stuff 😄.  Today I have decided I am going to occupy this area ,no matter what . 

Wish me luck !! Reflections welcome.


The pain body is a phrase that others have used (like Eckhart Tolle) and I've felt to use more recently. It's interrelated with the causal body. So the causal body contains the source karma, which then also manifests through the mind and emotional bodies. The collective forms like an energetic cage which is interrelated with the sense of identity. You then reach a transition point - a breakdown point - where enough soul has infused to challenge the governance of the identity. As painful as it is, it's a good sign!

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Yes, a 'giving up' feeling is what it feels like my body is at, it doesn't really seem to want to move forward nor backward at the moment.... Forgive me my ignorance, but could you say a bit more about what you mean by pain body? Is that the same as the 'causal body'? 



Hi Marije,

I would say you're having a pretty full on confrontation of the 'pain body', and that enough soul has integrated so as to stop automatically giving in to its cravings. Hence the kind of 'giving up' feeling - I sense a giving up of the old ways. My encouragment is to keep feeling through, keep unwinding through, keep surrendering.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

The past few days I have been feeling strange, though I am not exactly sure how to describe it or what to write about it. In some ways it feels as if my body has gone into some kind of shutdown mode, where it feels heavy and moving it costs a lot of effort. So I have spend the most part of the past three days lying on the couch not feeling motivated to get up and do anything unless absolutely necessary (and I do notice that there is some self-judgement involved about spending my days mostly 'doing' nothing). My head has been feeling particularly heavy and I have also been having strange headaches and pressures around my forehead and if I close my eyes I seem to quickly drift off to somewhere else (not sure where to though). When I try to tune into my (fore)head I can feel a connection with something in my abdominal area (not sure if it is solar plexus or sacral). Also, there seems to be quite a bit of energetic activity going on in my back, particularly the upper part and if I tune into that I can sometimes feel a lot of heat.... I have no idea what is going on (is this some implant or entity messing around, karma being processed, new energies coming in or what?), so reflections from anyone who recognises what I shared, would be welcome.

P.S. Just after posting this message I have also become aware of a strange aching in my legs... 

I would say the crucial thing about diet, is not to see it as something separate from spiritual development. What do I mean by this? If there is a physical ailment, or any physical disharmony with diet, it will have a spiritual misalignment cause. As the soul fully integrates with the body, the two come into harmony - notwithstanding the impact of the intervention, but even those effects are mitigated as the soul progressively infuses.

So if there's some kind of problem, the key is to explore into that with awareness - if you feel some kind of pain and discomfort with eating disorders, then bring them fully into awareness and ask "show me". It will take time, and there will likely be many complexities to work through - but my experience is that they do unravel.

I know that it is possible to live completely on light, and to maintain a reasonable weight (but without excess body fat, which becomes unnecessary). However it's not a diet that would get you there - rather the progressive spiritual development of which diet is a very important part.

So my advise is to use the disharmony as a direction in which to explore...."show me!" The answers will surely come.

Wishing you well


Hi Open, 

Thanks much for your insight and your care ❤️ Like every time it was helpful . I feel I have burst a bubble here which was ready to starve myself for spiritual development. You could call this spiritual anorexia if you like. Really I think I was trying to avoid the physical discomfort from eating without hunger as I have a very low appetite. I was also trying to follow intermittent fasting whenever I could and a vegan diet. I feel I have to pick up my appetite and put on some weight. I wonder how you could maintain the body weight on OMAD plan. Today for a change I had some fish and diary and felt a lot of discomfort. But I doubt if its worth going back. I don't think I have any emotional or mental reaction but physical pain. I meditated a lot today and it can alleviate the pain. I feel I can accept it even though the pain is still there. I know intermittent fasting is no longer plausible at least till I put on some weight.