Marye's adventures

Like some other Openhanders, I felt to start my own thread here on the forum, to share some of my experiences and feelings that don’t necessarily relate to a recent thread, but which I would like to express anyhow. So here we go!

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I have recently started a new consultancy assignment that is very much in line with my past professional identity and I am currently finding myself in a familiar challenging vicious circle about it. I might have just been more effective at suppressing it in the past, whereas right now it is quite in my face, probably an invitation to work through it more. Let me try and explain the circle, which I haven’t even fully grasped myself, but anxiety is at the heart of it. For the assignment I have to explore, analyze and synthesize a lot of information and present it in a report, both an intellectual as well as creative task. The anxiety is around not being able to deliver the agreed work, not being able to get my head around things, letting the people who gave me the assignment down and looking like an absolute failure. I don’t get the same anxiety with assignments that are relatively straightforward and defined, whereas in this case it is more up to me to define the direction and framework, so perhaps there is something in there about anxiety being judged negatively for what I have produced (intellectually)? Also the fact that this is an income generating activity adds to the anxiety, that if I can’t deliver successfully I will somehow loose or become without resources….

The anxiety triggers a lot of physical tension in my body, sometimes to the point that I feel I can hardly breathe because of the tightness in my chest, as well as leaving me with a lot of physical pain and headaches, causing a sense of feeling physically incapacitated/paralyzed by the pain. As a result of that it becomes hard to actually focus at the task at hand and there is a strong tendency to start procrastinating from the work as a way of avoiding the discomfort. Yet at the same time the inability to work effectively because of the anxiety, triggers even more anxiety and thus physical discomfort, so that it almost becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the anxiety triggers itself more and more, and consequently I become less and less able to work effectively in that state. Having gone through this cycle in various degrees in the past (though perhaps never as conscious before), what also tends to happen is that I start beating myself up about not making progress, also as a result of the procrastination, and therefore force myself to drag on until I have ‘done enough’, which means that something that would normally only take 3 hours of work, can easily become 9 hours or more, because of which I will deny myself other things such as relaxation and social interactions. It is like I end up burying myself in the job until it is done, which is not a very pleasant journey.

I have already bowed a few times into the fear of not being able to deliver, and although there was release in that process, the cycle still feels as intense as before. Any reflections of how break through this vicious cycle more, would be welcome!

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

We’ve spoken so I am familiar with what you are experiencing. I wonder about the patterns of behavior around the creative process.... do you find there is a connection between anxiety, pressure, fear of failure and end result of completion which may equate to an old paradigm of success?

Is it possible that the anxiety is a way your body is informing you about the work itself? Perhaps part of you isn’t on the same page with taking on this engagement?

just some thoughts from what you shared 😘Jen 

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for checking in! You always have a knack for asking the right questions and ! There is definitely a part of me that is terrified of not being able to deliver within the context of this old paradigm/identity according to which I used to perform. I keep on having this image of myself in front of the people that gave me the assignment having to tell them 'I am sorry, I failed', causing a lot of tightness. And my mind is trying to find all sorts of external reasons why this might have happened that I could give to them, rather than having to tell them that I was incompetent/incapacitated to do it....

And yes there is indeed a part of me that isn't all that excited about taking on this assignment and kind of reconnecting with what feels like an old part of me. Yet, I am aware that this part feels pressured to deliver in the 'usual way', which is where some of the friction happens. It is like feeling pressure to deliver an 'old trick', yet the old doesn't work anymore and I can't really see a new way of delivering this either, which is exactly where the anxiety kicks in that comes with a sense of hopelessness and incapacitation to deliver the 'expected outcome'.

In reply to by Marye

I know this is kind of a little silly sounding but I like to think sometimes and these moments like wow what an amazing creator I am :-) so you’ve created the perfect circumstances for you to enter and feel through the anxiety come into the sacred ground of being an perhaps in that space they’ll be a new way to navigate this particular experience. I know that’s not so easy though and we get taken on a lot of Internal rides through that journey so I don’t mean to minimize that at all! However I know that you totally have the capacity to navigate it as well! Even if sometimes that feels chaullenged and of course the challenge helps us find a deeper and more alive sense of ourselves in at all! With you!

My mind is trying to be somewhat ‘composed’ in writing a post here, but if I am honest at the moment ‘composed’ is the last thing I feel right now. Rather I feel overwhelmed by all emotional colours of the rainbow, I feel confused, alone, that my life has no purpose, afraid of becoming incapacitated, there is grief of I don’t even know what, anger at the state the world is in right now and fear of myself of where this might end…. Feels like I am tumbling into this bottomless pit and once I hit the bottom there will be no way back out. And then there is the self-judgement that I am victimizing myself, that I am somehow failing to surrender into all of this, into the overwhelm, in other words that it is all my own fault. And at the same time I am terrified to surrender into the feelings, afraid that I will go mad and not knowing what might be done to me because of it (compulsory hospitalization?). I know there is an element of control stuck in there, the need to control myself from going mad, from somehow being ‘composed’ enough to face the 3D existence that I so wish I could escape… This 3D existence that I am so angry at, particularly in recent times, all the ridicule that is happening, the illusions, the number of people buying into it, the suppression and suffering it causes to humanity…

I feel like a burden to my environment and that the world would be better of without me. That I don’t really have much to offer the world, feeling useless and that my life doesn’t really have a purpose. And I feel like a complete failure even being listed on the Openhand website as a facilitator, as I am doing a pretty bad job on even facilitating myself, how am I supposed to support others on their journey? I feel like I have been wasting a lot of my life doing things that didn’t really feel aligned to me, because I was too afraid to follow my soul and the risk that would entail, leaving me mostly feeling unaccomplished and unsatisfied…. I have been living out of a suitcase for the past almost 1.5 years now, without a base or a sense of direction, leaving me feeling uncentered and useless. A lot of the old ways of doing things don’t seem to work anymore as they used to, yet are still pulling on me and new ways of being are yet to unwind and in the midst of that I am finding myself stuck and confused. Confused even about which leg to put forward first as I walk, left or right?

Apologies for the kind of blunt rant, but I suppose I am so tired by now of being kind of honest of how I feel, but yet still sugar-coating it a bit to not make it sound to dramatic…. And the self-judging part of me reckons I am just writing this to get some attention, for someone to tell me it is not all that bad as I presented things above as a distraction…. Perhaps the best way to summarize the above would be to say that I am really tired of myself right now and therefore don’t really enjoy hanging out with myself (looking for distractions as much as I can, but have manifested circumstances where there aren’t as many available) and in some ways I am terrified of myself and don’t really know how to cope other than hanging on for my dear life to old conditionings and patterns (which I know doesn’t serve) than to let go and risk loosing my senses all together…

There is a lot of resistance towards posting this and putting this out there…. And to some extent I am not even really sure who is writing or posting this…. So I am trying to tell myself that it is just some kind of expression I am putting out there, however distorted it might be, so that I can overcome the shame of distorted expression without sugar-coating and of feeling like I am kind of losing my senses at the moment.

In reply to by Marye

I am there with you Marye as I am also experiencing similar feelings of being plain tired of my old self and new self is not even near the sight. Maybe not as dramatic as yours experience but going in that direction. I am actually looking forwards to my failures as a parent, father and possibly as a family provider roles. Not something I have to intention rather to happen organically if/when it happens.  I just have to remember of letting go and surrender.

With Love,



In reply to by Marye


Hi Marije,  

Your openness and vulnerability is inspiring! It's also relieving to know that I'm not alone. And that's what I say to you too, you are not alone! Thanks for having the courage to express, no matter how distorted you think it is. Many thinngs you say, jumps out and reflects back to me. Like the feeling of being a failure and the fear that I will not make it?! Ever! Make where I don't know. The sense of regret, purposeless and having no direction.  Comparing myself to others especially when I'm in such a state. And even wishing that I hadn't started this journey! But during those times, I remind myself of all the simple joy the journey has offered, places it has taken me and the people I have connected with, the intimacy and sense of connection to something beyond me. I'm sure you have felt these.  I know the old me wasn't sensitive enough to feel any of these things. And the sensitivity could have only found by unravelling the old me. I remind myself there is no purpose other than this moment and the rightness of it, the joy life has to offer. And if this moment offers pain and sense of worthlessness ,then I'm gonna fuckin sit on it however long it takes until it unravels. If following the journey means I will end up on the street , then so be it. Unless I feel to act from my soul. And I know there will always be another way, another game . The light will finds it way. Reminds me , the other day my friend and I was driving through heavy traffic in intense heat. And I was contemplating on the sense of having no connection, and lost in this gigantic world. My friend pointed at this grass coming out of dense concrete and said how life can even grow in such a condition. 

There with you! 

Vimal <3

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije - clearly you're going through another round of challenging deep exploration - I'm glad you posted here and thanks so much to Anatoly and Vimal for tuning in. This is what I mean about "coming together as a community" - because often, it's just a kind word or thought which can help someone through and lift them. Heart

This jumped out quite strongly from what you said Marije...

anger at the state the world is in right now and fear of myself of where this might end…. Feels like I am tumbling into this bottomless pit and once I hit the bottom there will be no way back out.

Lots of people will be feeling this in the world right now - perhaps BILLIONS of people! And for them, mostly they'll have no spiritual perspective of where this is ultimately leading or that there is a way out. A lot of these people will be realising there's no return to "normal" - no way out.

If you're empathic and given to work the energy fields at a global level, then you'll most likely feel this. And as you know, if there's an aspect of yourself trying to figure that out, then the inquiry can get stuck inside and magnified by what's going on outside.

We'll have a session next week (my earliest opportunity), but for now, I'd invite you to work on the idea of hopelessness - what that means. And looking for the light at the end of the tunnel - because there most definitely is.

I also get the sense (and spoke to you about this a few weeks back), that there might be some new direction coming - some new lead role. Maybe it's time to pay attention to possibilities and see if there's a likely fit. Something to be aware of an explore.

Know that you are most definitely NOT alone! That you are loved and supported by those in the ether...


Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Marye

Dear Anatoly, Vimal and Open,

Thanks for tuning into my post and your supportive words. Knowing that I am not alone is perhaps the biggest support in it all (which I of course already knew, but somehow good to have that reinforced…). And yes Anatoly I can really relate to being tired of my old self, but yet the new self seems to still be hiding from sight, leaving me in a kind of no man’s land, where the old self is still desperately looking for some kind of identity…

Vimal, I admire your dedication to the path no matter what. When you said ‘If following the journey means I will end up on the street, then so be it.’ I realised I am not fully there yet, I can still think of enough situations of which just the thought makes me cringe, let alone to sit in it.

Open, thanks for the suggestion of focusing on hopelessness. Actually yesterday after posting this and an insightful exchange with Jen, I realised that there is a lot of tightness for me around ‘letting people down’ or not being able to help/save them, which I suppose is a form of hopelessness, but that sometimes masquerades as fear of failure (as long as there is no other people involved I couldn’t care less about failing, but if my ‘failure’ means that people are let down that’s where the internal tightness starts). I bowed into these feelings of letting people down, which was quite painful, lots of grief, but left me feeling a lot better afterwards.

Hi Open, I felt to transfer the exchange from Jen's thread to my thread here....

Hi Marije - I would say what I'm experiencing here on the Sword and the Stone Tour dovetails precisely with what I'm hearing a lot of Openhanders experiencing - that is much challenge on the plane of the physical. I can feel lots of new energies coming in and wanting to be earthed. So that might cause quite a blockage for those who are (often unkowlingly) challenling energy in. I would suggest exploring how you may ground the energy, or at least distribute it, letting it decide where it needs to go. Watch out for tomorrow's singing chakra meditation from Castlerig in the Lake District where I've been today. That might help. Same to all tuning in having serious physical challenges right now.

Do you have any suggestions other than the singing chakra meditation, on how to ground, distribute or letting the energy where it needs to go? Although there was a sense of relief now that my laptop is up and running again, meanwhile all sorts of other physical challenges have kicked off, still leaving me feeling quite incapacitated. My eyes are itching like crazy, the sinuses in my cheeks feeling very tender and irritated, and lots of heat in my body (as I am writing this it feels like my body is on fire!). Also at the moment I am waking up at least once a night in some kind of state of panic/paranoia as if I am also processing quite a bit in my sleep.... All in all functioning physically is quite a challenge at the moment, which is also challenging my mental well being, going through waves of depressive feelings. And I find it hard to relate on this to people other than perhaps Openhanders, which is making me quite seclusive and shunning interaction with people when I am going through these physical challenges...

In reply to by Marye

Hey Marije, 

Thank you for your sharing - I am very curious about this myself. For the last month or so I've been experiencing sudden feelings of the heart racing and the sense of electric activity like a charged field of energy around the heart. It's a very unsettling feeling and also wakes me up at night with a sense of panic. I lay awake for a long time while I feel hyperaware of my heart beating and all the sensations that are happening around the heart.  I will see how it feels to sound with it and perhaps breathe into the chakras. I've been drinking some really good earthy brews of Burdock root, astragulus root and nettles, plus Hawthorne and feels very earthy, nurturing and grounding with some good heart medicine in there too. With you! Jen

In reply to by .Jen

Thanks for your suggestions Jen - very helpful Heart

How do we make this all easier? It's not meant to be easy!

Consider going to the gym. You know that pumping iron will make the muscles stronger,  and in order to do that, it has to stress the muscles in some way - then they decided to grow. There is no short cut!

Growing the 'spiritual muscles' is going to be tough. And especially at this time where we're brining in a lot of energy. Yes, at times, I feel like my whole body is vibrating and on fire. Sometimes the mind goes into overdrive. Sometimes there are palpitations in the heart. Remember the Sacred Ground of Being through all of this. When it gets crazy, breathe deep into the core. Let the mind and emotions flow, but work to centre in the Sacred Ground. And work the body, it helps you stay centred in the emotional/mental turmoil.

I know it's tough. But we didn't sign up for it to be easy!
Right there with you.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Marije,

now seems to be an intense time where people are invited to enter into their heart space.

During last week i experienced an immense transformation, which started with a nervous breakdown and followed by extreme physical weakness and the feeling of being completely exhausted. Forced me to take two days on the sofa with lots of tea and without really eating anything. That situation opened for me the time and space to let surface all of my fears and worries that had gathered for a couple of weeks without being appreciated. 

With some pondering then there was a sudden shift in the energy and all these fears and worries just fall away. And the heart opened! It opened in a beautiful way into all directions and i could very well feel the energy radiating out on its back side. My totally upset digestive system was restored in hours, something i had never before witnessed. Now i can feel my palm chakras again, which hadn't been the case for a long time. Such a liberation!

I now understand that this, let's call it a 'Hard Reset' was necessary to be able to let go and reboot my system to restart on a higher level of energy. So for me the most important part in this period is to focus on the heart, doing meditations for the heart, sending loving energy into the heart. (this angelich meditation did the trick for me, if it resonates: ). My sister experienced her recent heart opening by singing songs that she loves, to open the expression of her heart and to sing it out loud into the world.

Much love,

In reply to by Open

Hi Open and Thomas,

Open, I could have known you would have reflected it isn't meant to be easy Slightly Smiling. Yesterday morning I woke up actually being able to feel myself again, so to say, although the back pain was still there, internally it was calm for a change, which was such a relief! Of course I could have known this wasn't going to last long, as in the evening things kicked off again and I just woke up from a very restless night full of paranoia and panic, to the point that I started wondering if I was possessed by something. My energy being all over the place, I struggle to find my way back to the Sacred Ground, sometimes I manage for a brief moment, before I get swept away by the energies again. Other than the incapacitating back pain, I particularly feel a knot of fear in my abdomen and a tightness around my eyes/third eye. I have just started a new consultancy assignment and all the incapacitating energies are somehow perpetuating a fear that I am not able to accomplish the job, that I will somehow end up in a vegetative state of incapacitation. Trying hard to hang in there with lots of bow meditations!

Thomas, wow sounds like you have gone through a wonderful transformation, thanks for sharing! I have to admit that reading about it makes me feel slightly envious, hoping that I can come out on the other side of all the current feelings of incapacitation in a similar way. But I guess there is no real recipe for it and we all have our unique journey in it. Thanks for the link to that meditation from Steve Nobel, I am going to check it out!

In reply to by Marye

One of my fellow Openhanders just pointed me to the following definition of 'incapacitation', which really struck a cord. It is like there is so much energy moving that I am afraid that I won't be able to contain it and therefore I get swept away by it.

The verb incapacitate is related to the word capacity. which comes from the Latin word capacitas, meaning "that can contain," or how much something — brain, bucket or otherwise — can hold. Theprefix in- reverses the meaning and when the suffix -ate is added, incapacitate means someone has been made unable to "contain" much — like attention, effort, or energy"

Meanwhile, after waking up from a restless night, I have been able to navigate the energies a bit better today by kind of consciously let the energies move through. This means that I have been in an almost permanent state of overheating and sweating (particularly my chest and back) and occasionally my body will start trembling and swinging, but at least I am able to maintain some kind of sense of centredness in the midst of it, which leaves me feeling less incapacitated and able to function in the 3D.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

What you're describing is a regular occurance in my world!

What I've realised is that if I just let it flow, even though it may feel a degree crazy at times, it opens a bigger pipe, and so one becomes increasingly able to handle a stronger flow of consciousness.

But yes, quite a ride!

Open The Sun Emojivoltage emoji icon

Hello dear ones (marye, rougebuy, open)

They say the creator gave milk to the baby when there were no teeth and then provided food when the teeth appeared, so would relate the experiences were given to those who had the virtue to handle, although can't comment still on the justification of why all this is happening, have had questions also (similar), but it's good to accept even if things are a mystery and work out with your own experiences as and how you know more...yes for some reason, connecting first and then releasing - made understanding each other easier (metaphor), might be different for different people..

there is positivity in the fact that we were kept moving, feel we are being listened to and helped by spirit. as guided by open, holding on to our sacred ground of being, sometimes have felt it's the otherway around as well that the sacred being is holding us....

"letting it play it's role and trying to watch from the sidelines" from rougebuy, is already a blessed way to look at not worrying about what may be the storyline, uncertainty sometimes opens new ways...

although open would know more, what i have understood is that some form of balance is being given to people in their persona and they are as if being taught to work through, accept some attributes which they are clearly not, especially I feel for people who may be will eventually benefit from this crazy happening

would also say loving little things that you like, even if it meant a small walk in the garden, looking at the beauty and the colors of the leaves or nature, making your cup of tea or something that u really enjoy and quick as well (it has been possible to be creative for having a tasty dish (as a break time) out of even whatever you have in your fridge or go short time targeted shopping

You are blessed if you have been able to sleep sound and get up fresh, although same things might have started again, believe that things will get better and better..

so we do have thankful moments, even in the confusion writing a short gratitude note to God, spirit or however one may call or relate

communicate your true feelings - talking to self and express it out, crying out loud while holding to a chair or sofa if that happens for a while, let it be, it's okay

you have probably been given the expertize to see a thought if conflicted, are allowed to delete or request to delete or as one is encouraged to believe that one is incharge ( be thankful again)

consider you are blessed, if can live in the present mostly, for the time being if no targets happening, consider it being okay and accepting whatever short term

also holding on to your favorite thoughts, people very special to you, a greater love always helps, listening to devotional songs or literature can connect us with higher mind (thank you open)

feel we are being helped, so hold on to yourself for yourself is much more.......



Ok, so I was going to write about an inquiry about the concept/idea of ‘truth’ that I have been having. However, in the process of trying to write my inquiry down that seemed to make so sense in my mind, I got more and more confused about what it was that I was trying to say and where my inquiry was really going. Then I realized that perhaps what I should really be writing about is the sense of confusion that I have been having lately. Although I am not even sure whether ‘confusion’ is actually the right word for what I am trying to express, so there is even confusion about what I am actually confused about…. But it is something to do with the way I experience reality these days that the confusion is related to.

First of all, my brain seems to have become a bit of a sieve and although there are enough things that I do remember, there is so many things these days, even happening yesterday or earlier today, that I already can’t remember now, as if they never even really happened. Secondly, whereas in the past I was able to let’s say ‘structure my thoughts’ into something comprehensible that I could then put into words to convey to others, these days when I try to put things into words, like the inquiry about ‘truth’, there seems to be no structure, just loose threads that don’t come together anywhere, even though somehow internally it makes complete sense to me. Often this leads to either giving up or not even trying to write things down in the first place. Thirdly, I have a lot of loud ringing in my head these days, often making it difficult to concentrate on something and there is a questioning whether this is some kind of interference or rather just more soul coming through that is pushing me out of my usual overthinking self. All in all my ‘mind’ doesn’t seem to function the way it used to, sometimes leading to a kind of ‘apathy’, because when the mind tries to operate as it was used to, it just ends up in a state of confusion.

And somehow the confusion leads to a sense of frustration, frustration for things ‘not working out’ anymore, for feeling like a loose bunch of disconnected threads that don’t seem to come together anywhere.

Does anyone recognize this?


P.S. As I have just posted this, I realize that there is some relationship of what I have written with my previous post on this thread titled ‘no storyline’ and Open’s response to it.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

Sounds like you're having a powerful inquiry indeed Slightly Smiling

This part stood out strongest for me...

there is so many things these days, even happening yesterday or earlier today, that I already can’t remember now, as if they never even really happened. Secondly, whereas in the past I was able to let’s say ‘structure my thoughts’ into something comprehensible that I could then put into words to convey to others, these days when I try to put things into words, like the inquiry about ‘truth’, there seems to be no structure, just loose threads that don’t come together anywhere, even though somehow internally it makes complete sense to me.

I think initially we see truth as something to rationalise - and there are threads of it stretching from the past into the present and then to the future, that seem to make sense, so we build reality around the thoughts. When in authenticity, it's the other way around.

I mean work to let go of the rigid constructs. And you're right - dig deep into the sense of confusion - not needing an answer.

Let the truth of the moment come more as a feeling sense. Then work to build the thoughts around that.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Thanks for your reflections in response to my post. What stood out from your post for me was when you said at the end:

Let the truth of the moment come more as a feeling sense. Then work to build the thoughts around that.

I know that the feeling sense of the moment is already there, but it is the building thoughts around that where the confusion starts, almost as if something is misfiring due to which the feeling sense can’t get ‘translated' into thoughts or words, hence my challenge to write things down. In some way it feels as if the feeling sense and the thoughts are almost like two entities operating in parallel, but often not coming together anywhere, which can lead to a sense of internal friction. In the past my thoughts were definitely dominating and suppressing the feeling sense, but by now they are more at par. However, there is a lot of fear around letting the feeling sense come through more and letting the thoughts follow them, a sense of panic and danger if I do so, making it seem that letting the thoughts be in the driver seat is a more ‘safe’ journey (I can already hear you say ‘life is not safe’ Wink Emoji). And fear is definitely the most challenging thing for me to work through, because my whole body tends to go into flight mode, and all I can think about is how to escape whatever it is that triggers the fear, making it very hard to stay right in the experience and move through it…..

In reply to by Marye

You have described what i am feeling perfectly, although i would not have been able to describe it very well myself! The only word that comes near describing the way i feel at the moment is "disjointed", although i know this is still not quite the right word. But the end result is it leaves me feeling anxious and therefore fearful I am having trouble even finding a way to express to myself my feeling/sense, so at the moment i am letting it play it's role and trying to watch from the sidelines as much as i can. I had a fantastic facilitation by Megha as part of our buddy group experience and what came from that was that my masculine and feminine sides appeared to be in conflict; I am now working to harmonise the two aspects to see if that will catalyse anything.

I have been feeling to post something here for a while now, but somehow when push comes to shove, some strange fear kicks in that stops me from doing so, that creates all sorts of tightness and reasons why not to and postpone. The past few months lots of things have been stirring up internally, but when I try to put things down nothing seems to make sense anymore. It is like at a feeling level things are sensible, but when I try to boil it down to 3D level there seems to be no ‘storyline’ (or perhaps rather there are too many storylines in parallel!). A bit like when in a dream everything seems to make sense, but once you wake up it doesn’t seem to add up anymore. In some way, it is like there is too much, like there are so many realisations at the same time, yet in the midst of them there is no realisation at all…..

Even as I am trying to write this, there is a lot of apprehension, what do I really have to share? where is this going? If I can’t even make sense out of it myself, who would? There is tightness, ‘better just give up now, and don’t waste your time on writing some nonsense’, ‘better delete that sentence now, because people are going to think you don’t have it all together anymore’, ‘surely Open is going to comment on the use of ‘having it all together, you better use a different phrasing’, etc. etc. There is this fear of putting myself out there purely as I am, with all my flaws and weaknesses right on the front cover, rather than trying to hide them or make them at least sound a bit cooler than what they really are. Fear of being ridiculed, of being lectured/corrected, of being abandoned for not being worthy, of being persecuted, you name it…. And is there perhaps shame too? Shame for the part that doesn’t seem to fit in, the part that sometime doesn’t know what is up or down, left or right and more and more seems to be forgetting what happened 2 minutes ago, let alone before that.

Having just written the previous paragraph, the fear is swelling, needing to go back to reread and polish it and make it sounds at least a bit more ‘intelligible’. Yet when I allow myself to sink more into myself, all that seems to want to flow Is some kind of incomprehensible gibberish, that wouldn’t even correspond with any human language…. Sometimes it can feel like 2 different worlds that don’t come together anywhere, other than perhaps within me. On the one hand the incomprehensible gibberish that makes perfect sense to me, but doesn’t seem to translate to my 3 dimensional existence in any way, and at the same time the 3D world, that in many ways doesn’t make much sense to me, other than perhaps to the conditioned construct in my head. And sometimes I don’t know who is who, as if there are multiple identities trapped inside of me and depending on the circumstances one will be dominating in a particular moment. And whilst I am writing this, the mind is feeling uncomfortable about the lack of storyline it is able to determine in what I am putting down right now, feeling a great urge to review and rearrange, so I will need to make an effort to post this in this thread just as is.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije, I'm right there with you. And plenty of others will surely be experiencing what you've articulated - that they feel strangely out of place in the world and that nothing makes sense any more. I've actually been feeling waves of psychosis coming through the field. And that's what can happen as the reality construct you though you were living in starts to break down or transform.

What you said here is illuminating in that regard...

when I try to boil it down to 3D level there seems to be no ‘storyline’ (or perhaps rather there are too many storylines in parallel!). A bit like when in a dream everything seems to make sense, but once you wake up it doesn’t seem to add up anymore. In some way, it is like there is too much, like there are so many realisations at the same time, yet in the midst of them there is no realisation at all…..

The mind shapes a construct so people can mediate safely through the 3D - but it also creates a limiting box. Firstly people are realising that the box created for them has some ugly sides and shadows they never knew existed. And then the box starts to break down. And so the psyche feels insecure. That's okay, it's also necessary. But people then need a "mast in the storm". They need to connect with a different aspect of themselves as theire true centre. At Openhand this is expressed as The Sacred Ground of Being.

It's more a feeling sense rather than an idea about reality. And this is what we must help people feel and align with now.

Much love and support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

As I was feeling into some strong internal energies today, it suddenly dawned to me that I am terrified of these energies and subconsciously suppress them as much as possible. In a way it feels as if I am suppressing my own strength out of fear, overwriting it with a more subdued version of myself, in other words as if I am suppressing myself. When I do allow the energy to rise, there is an incredible heat in my abdominal area, and all I can do is beating pillows, moving frantically, stamping the floor and making noise. Yet as soon as the fear interfers my body contracts, particularly in my shoulder area, and becomes very tense. At the same time there is a kind of grief, a grief of not belonging, particularly when I am with others who for example seem to sit in meditation peacefully, while for me energy is raging inside and it feels like expressing would be disruptive and making myself an ‘outcast’, who is not able to contain or control the energies. I can feel how there is a sophisticated internal system in place to control the strong energies, but also how more and more these strong energies and the control system are clashing internally, creating a lot of physical tension.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marye - it sounds like you might have a strong uprising of 'raptor consciousness', but are afraid of it internally - does that resonate?

The fact that you're feeling heat in the belly would indicate healing is already beginning to happen. I'd say it's a case of letting the energy come through - let it express through you. Let go of your fear about it. Then you'll come into an aligned place with it.

Open Praying Emoji

I wanted to post something, but when I try to write there is just a sense of confusion, as if the threads in my head go in different directions, without lining up anywhere. And there is this feeling, a feeling that is saying a lot, yet can’t be put down into words on paper. Since Friday I have been feeling strange/ill with joint pains, back pains, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, bloatedness, low-grade fevers and lots of internal energy that seems to want to move all over the place. It feels contradictory that my physical body is feeling very sluggish and at the same time there seems to be a lot of energy wanting to move (it actually feels like the joint pains is excessive energy getting clogged up). When I lie down and close my eyes, I seem to be drifting of to some other space, and any attempt to sit in meditation ends up in a non-stop heaving session, to the point that this weekend I found myself with a mouth full of vomit after one heave Grinmacing, which was a first, because until then it had always just been air. On Monday I felt fully physically energized again and I thought I was passed it, but since yesterday I am back to feeling ‘sick’ again and this morning I woke up feeling like I had just been hit by a truck. I am struggling how to ‘be’ with this, without looking for a way for the physical discomfort to go away or to understand what all that I am experiencing is about…


P.S. On another note, I never really posted an update that I jumped off the fence early February and moved ‘home’ to Malawi for now. Although the impact of the virus craze elsewhere in the world is definitely somewhat noticeable here, at the same time with no testing facilities, it means there is ‘no’ virus here yet and life pretty much goes on as usual Slightly Smiling

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije - sounds like you're going through the mill! What you describe are the symptoms of the virus itself. But perhaps you're empathising with the energy of the system. I've had various curious energies move through me these last few days too. Although yours does sound pretty intense.

It'll be fascinating to see how things play out where you are in Malawi where there's no system fear pandemic.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Marye

Dear Marye, 

I am hesitant to write this but I shared the details of my snot filled weeks, so what the heck :)

Since the last few days I am feeling elated. Almost like I'm full of light. It's such a strange experience in the midst of the contracted experience everyone else is having. I am consciously trying to empathize with the state of Fear people around me are feeling. But I feel drunk on spring. The flowers, the sky ( visible now as the pollution in so much reduced). And the trees!! Everything is so joyful and bright.

Am I suppressing mightily? I have gotten back to my fasting routine and am eating healthy foods. And playing with my kid as she is off from school. And keeping myself embodied because I am facing the onslaught of Fear based media. And yet, I feel this under current of light!

( is there something wrong with me ?)



Hi Sam,

Thanks for your feedback, it is indeed a joy to be connecting here! I realise that by now I might be connecting with your through the ether in La Palma and you might only see this once you get back…. It is funny that you most loved the third phrase in Dutch, because that is actually the one I don't fully understand and made me most wonder ‘who wrote this’ Slightly Smiling.

There are a few things that jumped out from your post for me, namely responsibility, caring and authentic expression that seemed to be related, but I can already feel that feeling, of trying to make sense of what I am trying to say as I am writing, arising. It is interesting what you say about there being no rudeness and negativity here on the platform, because what people express is ‘real’, in other words when people express really authentically then perhaps it doesn’t come across as rude? Would that mean that only if what people write is not ‘real’ or authentic it could be perceived as rude? And in that light, what does it mean to be ‘caring’ or ‘not caring’? Is perhaps the only responsibility that we have in terms of ‘caring’ for others to express authentically/real?

I relate to a lot of the things you raise, but I am still curious what you mean by ‘caring or not caring about your impact on your environment’? Isn’t this something very subjective as you already somewhat allured to in distinguishing between your own sense of caring and the sense of the other. And what if your environment is really in the need of a bit of drama to evolve on their journey, then would avoiding to rock the boat be a matter of ‘caring’ for the other or rather ‘not caring’ for the other? One of my inquiries based on my personal experiences has been whether too much ‘caring’ or taking responsibility for others can in fact become smothering for the other side and therefore rather disempowering (and in this power dynamic the ‘caring’ side perhaps having issues around needing to be in control?).

Finally, I am quite curious about the following you wrote:

As I realize that everything is in this moment, and all the rest forms as a result from it, there's no need in dragging things along 'all the time', nor dealing with fear, as the fear for me is the uncertainty of a desired outcome, triggered by past failure.

Not sure why, but there seems to be something avoidant in this for me, particularly there being ‘no need dealing with fear’. If everything is in the moment and fear arises in that moment for whatever reason (regardless of whether the fear is related to the moment or past failure, which might in effect be one and the same) then I would say there is something to be dealt with and faced in that moment?

Just pondering…


Wow that is deeply moving Marije. I really feel your soul coming through in that. And I've not heard you express in that way before. There's certainly no need to polish. And I would say it would inspire many, should they read it. Awesome Thumbs Up Sign

When I began my journey here and experienced a dramatic shift towards being the real me, there was a strong sense to express, no matter what. It ALWAYS came through distorted, but how else would you be able to resolve the expression and align it?

Keep expressing. You have an untapped stream of beauty there.

Open Praying Emoji


You wrote in response to my post in another thread today:

Whatever we have a fear of, we must confront at some point, if we are to be truly free

One of my fears is about putting myself out there uncensored and unpolished, vulnerable I suppose, probably because of the fear of being judged negatively and then rejected/persecuted. So I thought to create an opportunity to confront that fear here by just letting the words flow and then putting them out here. As I was writing the words below down I had to suppress the temptation to polish them up, because it was not yet good enough, to not get carried away by thoughts of what people might think of it or what I was actually trying to say here and how I might explain the meaning to others. And I was witnessing the tightness arising every time I would think about putting the words out here. And then as I am writing this I suddenly see myself in a fire squad just before being shot, which stirs up a lot of emotion. Karma perhaps, though my mind thinks I just have too much fantasy. 

And now that I have put this down here, there is an enormous tightness about pressing the 'save' button for this post and a temptation to just delete these words as if they never existed in the first place. So I suppose my freedom lies in pressing that save button nevertheless.....?


Authentic me can’t take it anymore,

keeping up appearances of what it is not,

just to maintain peace and not discomfort others.


Authentic me just wants to express itself,

in every color of the rainbow, unrestricted,

even if that causes discomfort to others.


Authentic me is free like a bird,

to sing whatever song arises,

happy or sad.


Authentic me accepts everyone as they are,

including itself,

without exception.


Authentic me is ready to surrender,

to the lessons that life has to offer,

without fear.


Authentic me, a beautiful beingness,

that is ready to be set free,

from the shackles of the ego.


Authentic me, I love you,

Authentic you, I love me.

Hi Marije,

My experience of the flow is that it can be really subtle in the beginning, in terms of it directing you. And in the beginning you can find yourself sitting still for some period of time before anything moves at all this way.

Also, coming from a place where we're continually strategising and formulating from the mind, to where you can comfortably flow from being takes a big transition. I would say a minimum of 1 year deprogramming, and that would only be so quick, because a person was completely committed to a process of "not-doing". I would rather say to allow a period of 18 months to 2 years. And that would still be pretty quick.

I completely recognise the state of this deprogramming as going "haywire", or else the feeling of being pulled in different directions. And when you put a flow in action, for it to apparently keep failing.

There still so much speculation out there and idealisation of what living from the soul really means. It is full on, in terms of it's contradiction to the matrix - if you're truly following it. The matrix, and people, will try to crystalise it and enslave it at every twist and turn. There has to be a lot of commitment and determination to confront and unravel in the face of this.

You've taken a great step and made a bold move. But that doesn't mean everything will now click effortlessly into place. It's the beginning. Work in progress. Now's the time to make it really count, really worthwhile, by focussing on every single step, every single moment. How are you being invited to be now? To hold in that space until a impetus of right action moves you.

And still there will be plenty of times where you slip into the programs again. Keep watching these, it's okay that they happen, but as soon as you can, catch yourself in them and work to unravel.

No worries. You're doing the right thing. Just work on patience and allowing.

I'd say the Africa retreat has come at exactly the right time!

Big hug your way - See you there

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Yesterday I processed through something that felt like some quite deep karma, while someone was holding space for me. At some point, the ‘observer’ of the process wanted to say something to this person, but somehow I failed to speak. I tried repeatedly, but only some murmuring sounds came out and it was as if my mouth couldn't move. As if the translation of the thoughts to speech was somehow hampered. After some frustration I gave up trying, but overall it was quite a strange experience.

Then suddenly it dawned to me that the experience has a lot of similarities with me trying to post something here on the website for a while now, where the ‘observer’ knows what it is wanting to say, but I fail to write the message, as if I can’t speak. And perhaps it is even a mirror of what is moving (or not moving) in my life more broadly, where I can feel something arising, but then I fail to express/ let it manifest, leaving me again frustrated….

So recently I had some triggers and an inquiry around guilt and how my sense of guilt creates porous boundaries that can easily be tampered with when my sense of guilt is being called upon (and possibly a distortion of becoming overcompassionate because of it), and I suspect this is where entities easily find an entry point. Anyway, I recalled that I had posted here on the topic of guilt before, so while searching for that I ended up on my personal thread here. It is always so interesting to reread some of what I have posted in the past here, though often also a bit demoralizing, as I find that most of the challenges that I have written about before are still quite pertinent now. Which feels like I have just been going round in circles all this time on the same issues! As I was going through the thread I also stumbled on this response from Open to one of my posts of just over a year ago and I have to say that the highlighted passage left me even more demoralized (which I remember it also did when I first read it).

‘Also, coming from a place where we're continually strategising and formulating from the mind, to where you can comfortably flow from being takes a big transition. I would say a minimum of 1 year deprogramming, and that would only be so quick, because a person was completely committed to a process of "not-doing". I would rather say to allow a period of 18 months to 2 years. And that would still be pretty quick.’

‘18 to 24 months being pretty quick??!! That means that I might not even be halfway through what feels like a state of slumber! And then this seems to pretty well sum up my life the past year or so:

‘And in the beginning you can find yourself sitting still for some period of time before anything moves at all this way.’

Particularly in my externally visible 3D life it feels like there has been very little movement over the past year or so (whereas internally/energetically there has been enough movement), or there are these occasional movements that seem to end up in a dead end, which can be driving me quite crazy. Or alternatively there is so much internal energetic movement that brings any movement in the 3D to a halt, because I am not able to function and forced to withdraw and just be in bed until things calm down again. All this seems to trigger quite a bit of self-judgement and restlessness, of being lazy, procrastinating too much, not pushing through, and particularly of being ‘useless’. When I touch that state of the sense of uselessness it feels like any reason to be alive has evaporated and I might as well be dead for it. So the mind desperately starts looking for things to do, to create a sense of usefulness to fill up that void of discomfort.

In relation to all of this, lately I have been having an inquiry around ‘fixation’ vs. ‘fluidity’. How my mind has a tendency to fixate and focus on things in terms of structures, boxes, labels, expectations, etc. and once it has focused on something it can get quite lost in that narrow-minded fixation, overwriting any intuitive feelings that are out of line with the fixation. And one of those fixations has been on avoidance of feeling useless, by making sure I am doing something ‘useful’, which in the past I used to be able to quite effortlessly ‘push forward’. But similar to what I shared above about not being able to speak, despite the fixation and attempts, not much seems to have been moving at all lately, which has created quite a bit of restlessness (test of my (im)patience!) and perhaps there is also a bit of fear lingering in the background that things are going to stay like this forever, as well as a fear of surrendering to a more fluid outlook without anything to ‘fixate’ on (the unknown!) until after it manifests. And of course one of my mind’s deceptive fixations is that if I can only just surrender to nothing moving at all, that things will start moving again. Of course there is no room for surrender in that intentional fixation in the first place!

Finally, it feels like I am lately hitting one of my root pains quite deeply around feeling alone, ignored, not heard, misunderstood and not supported. And how my fixation on avoidance of this root pain tries to constantly create reassurance that I am not alone, being heard, understood and supported in distorted ways and how strong the triggers can be if I don’t get that reassurance somehow. And at the moment I feel a bit like a ticking timebomb, as if all my karma of that root pain is exploding in my face all at once. And sometimes I don’t exactly know who I am in all of it, as from one moment to the next I can feel like two completely different people (almost a bit like what I imagine it feels like to be bipolar….).

Hi Marye - it's only when you go out on a limb that you find the best fruit!

And so it is, you made these momentous changes, and so now the possibility for transformation and forging of the soul is all abound - and yes, did anyone say this would then all be plain sailing? You know the answer to that one!

I felt to pick up on this that you said, becasue I know a lot of people experience the judgment and projection when they step out and dare to be them...

‘So where are you going?’, ‘I don’t know yet’, has been a frequent exchange with people I know during these times. ‘What? So you first quit your job without knowing what you are going to do next and now you have given up your house, without knowing where you are going?’. A lot of discomfort in the process was caused by the reflections and projections of the world around me (which of course I was manifesting for some reason!), that surely you should have some kind of plan or know where you are going and I found it hard to relate to people that actually I didn’t. It is like there are some unconscious expectations about the world and how people behave and if you don’t fulfill those, it raises a lot of questions.

The only reasons the questions, judgments and projections persist, is becasue (as you probably realise), you're inviting them yourself because you have the issue about what you're (not) doing, or not having a plan. If you were comfortable with this, it would reflect back at the questioner with a knowing amusement that they would feel. The questions then cease.

So it's work in progress. Keep unwinding the need "to do" - to be somehow justfied (as an identity) by being fixated in a position. Keep working to unravel this and finding comfort in the inner - let that become home and purpose.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for your reflections. There is indeed an identity that has a fixation on doing things or having a plan to justify itself, that gets affected by external judgement. Interestingly what has been happening since coming to Malawi is that all my plans here constantly seem to be going haywire. Partly that is the nature of how things happen here, constantly changing and in the moment, but for some reason something has been feeling 'off' about it, as if it isn't flowing (which comes with a sense of frustration), and I have been wondering why I am manifesting this. I can see two possibilities, either I am still too much operating from the mind and not well in tune with the flow, so every time I plan something 'out of line' with the flow, the universe reflects that back to me by the plan going haywire. Or alternatively, I might have an expectation or attachment about what the flow 'clicking in' and feeling right should be like, but maybe there is an invitation to surrender and embrace that everything going haywire might well be the perfect flow I needed to manifest....


It has been a while since I last posted something here while I was right in the midst of unwinding my apartment in the Netherlands early September. In the meantime so much has happened and processed (was it only 2 months or rather 2 years!) that there is so much I could write about, which makes it daunting to get started. So let’s just see what wants to flow here now……

Last time I shared about my fear of going mad or rather the fear of being labeled as mad by the outside world and since that post I ended up going even deeper into that fear, though I don’t feel I have reached the bottom of it yet. I can clearly see how this fear can keep me from fully surrendering into things as well as that is has created a kind of ‘sane’ alterego that can be presented to the outside world, which needs to be safeguarded at all times. By now the possibly slightly mad authentic self is getting fairly fed up with this alterego and is ready to come out in the open (almost feels a bit like a ‘coming out of the closet’), which creates quite a bit of tension with the remaining layers of fear and can create a whole lot of panic. Greatly indebted here to one of my fellow facilitators for just being present with me while I was freaking out during the final stages of my moving out process, and being there to make sure nobody would call an ambulance on me! The latter reassurance allowed me to go into the panic more than I normally would have, though I still feel I am yet to explore the very rock bottom of it….

The moving out of the Netherlands process was an intense journey. Letting go of material things was actually the easier part, other than some things that have a personal value, which are now in storage, whereas the leaving behind people is always the harder part for me. It triggers a sense of guilt for ‘abandoning’ friends and family, which during the process would bring up constant doubt about making the right ‘choice’. In the end I organized a small farewell gathering for friends and family, which helped me to come to a closure on that. Something else that really came to the surface in the process was a conditioning from my upbringing to always be well prepared for the worst case scenario (which will likely never happen), which was giving me a lot of stress and sleepless nights, again very much something fear related…. I would for example lay awake at night figuring out what to do if on the day of moving out all my friends who had said they would come to help carry things to the moving van, would suddenly pull out. The most unlikely scenario (and in the end I of course ended up with more than enough people to help), yet the one that would give me a lot of stress. And even though rationally it made no sense whatsoever, internally things would be very unsettled, making sure that even in that unlikely event I had a backup plan ready….

Then the day came that I handed in the keys of my apartment and was left with myself and a suitcase. Not to cause any further stress, I purposely hadn’t given much thought during the moving out process about what to do next or where to go, but now I suddenly found myself without a ‘base’ or a clue where I would be sleeping that week, which brought a new sense of stress and of course images of worst case scenarios finding myself sleeping under the bridge or in the train station at night. Contemplating on what would be so bad about those scenarios, I realized it wasn't so much about sleeping under the bridge, but rather about it being unsafe, being unprotected and at the risk of attack there, particularly as a woman (so if I knew there would be someone to protect me from attack while sleeping under the bridge, I could happily sleep there). Of course all magically worked out in the end, with even a nice Airbnb that suddenly had cancelations and where I could stay for a week longer without additional charge while the owner went abroad. Yet, that is all in hindsight, which couldn’t prevent the stress beforehand. This actually makes me think about what Open wrote to Vimal yesterday, about the path revealing itself as we look backwards, which I know very well to be true, yet my mind would so much like to find peace and security in it being the other way around! Yes, a sense of security seems to be the red thread here…..

‘So where are you going?’, ‘I don’t know yet’, has been a frequent exchange with people I know during these times. ‘What? So you first quit your job without knowing what you are going to do next and now you have given up your house, without knowing where you are going?’. A lot of discomfort in the process was caused by the reflections and projections of the world around me (which of course I was manifesting for some reason!), that surely you should have some kind of plan or know where you are going and I found it hard to relate to people that actually I didn’t. It is like there are some unconscious expectations about the world and how people behave and if you don’t fulfill those, it raises a lot of questions. This starts touching on what I chose as the topic of this post ‘empty space, out-of-place’, which sums up the main feelings I have been exploring during the past months. Trying to stay open and not having a clear plan or purpose to focus on feels like an empty space to me. I can see that this is a place of great potential and freedom, yet to me it feels very unsettling and I have to constantly remain vigilant for the mind to not quickly grab onto something, just to have a sense of security or purpose. The sense of ‘purposelessness’ contributes to the sense of being ‘out-of-place’, the sense of not really having a place or purpose within the bigger whole (which I know is not true, but that is the way it feels like). Perhaps I could say that the ‘sane’ alterego I talked about above has got a place somewhere, but that the authentic self doesn’t really have a place within the ‘system’. Maybe the place of the authentic self is actually in that empty space, where there is no real place to fit into….

In the end after sorting out a few last bits and bobs in the Netherlands at least some ‘wheres’ or destinations came about in Africa. Working around facilitating at the South Africa retreat and the wedding of a dear friend in Malawi, I ended up going back to my second (or should I rather say first) home in Malawi for now, from where I will travel to South Africa and then in December I will proceed to Kenya for three weeks. As return flights tend to be cheaper than single flights, I have a return ticket to be in the Netherlands for Christmas, but then for 2020 things still look very ‘empty’ with regards to where I might be. So far it has been great to be back in Malawi, where I always find a strange sense of ‘home’ and internally feel much more free and in a flow then when I am in Europe, yet at the same time there is always a sense of feeling ‘out-of-place’ here or not really belonging or fitting in anywhere. Most of my friends here are Malawian and I have never been an active member of the expatriate community around, yet due to the distinct difference of skin colour, I end up being the ‘white sheep’ in the crowd, clearly not fully ‘belonging’ (that of course leads to the constant question ‘where are you from?’, which I dread answering with ‘Netherlands’, yet when I tell people ‘planet earth’ instead, I also get weird and unsatisfied faces!). On the one hand, this can be an advantage, because it means I am not expected to comply with the strong cultural conditioning here of how to behave or not to behave, but on the other hand it means that I will always remain an outsider…. I suppose what gets triggered by feeling out-of-place is a deep sense of loneliness, of being completely on my own in the end. Which relates to a recent inquiry about ‘being replaceable’, which brought up a lot of grief for me. That whatever kind of special relationship or friendship we might be in or whatever special bond we might have with our family or kids, if for whatever reason we fall away, for example through death, break-up or moving away, we will probably be ‘replaced’ at some point and someone else will take on the role we used to fulfill. While writing this, I realise the word ‘place’ seems to be an underlying thread, with out-of-place, replaceable and replaced featuring in what I wrote above. And the question arises, ‘can something that is out-of-place be replaced?’, no idea why though and what the relevance of this question is in relation to the above. And there is something about searching for my place in this world and the realization that perhaps my place is in the ‘empty space’, though the mind is not very comfortable with this idea and would like to find something more tangible than that!

Despite being on the move now in Africa and there being an answer to ‘where are you going?’ question, I still don’t really have a clear purpose or goal for being here (other than perhaps the South Africa retreat Slightly Smiling) and thus no clear answer to the question ‘why are you here?’ ‘what are you doing here?’, although I know on a deeper level I am here to be present and unveil more of my authentic self under the surface. For my mind this is a very restless place to be in and it is therefore constantly wanting to fill this ‘empty space’ with some kind of reason or purpose, leading to things ‘to do’. There are days here that I wake up in the morning and go ‘so what now?’ and have no idea what to do with my time that day…. This might sound like a great place to be in, but for me it makes me restless, I suppose I am not that good at just sitting still and waiting for things to happen! I

Lastly, where I feel quite out-of-place is witnessing inauthentic, conditioned societal behavior, people just blindly following protocols and structures. I am noticing that something inside of me is getting more and more impatient with this and would almost want to scream ‘Just get real, people! Show me who you really are, rather than acting like a puppet of the system!’ Yet as I write this, I wonder how much of that I could actually scream to myself and how much I am still a puppet myself, not showing who I really am out of fear for becoming even more out-of-place than I already feel I am…..

There is always more to say, but I have already written a lot, so I will leave it here for now with my update!


Hi Marije - of course I can't say ALL allergies are karmic, but I'm sure some are.

And yes, when they come up, rather than just dealing with the symptoms, it's important to explore into the underlying feelings - to see where there might be karma at the source.

Open Praying Emoji

Open, thanks for the reflections about the Atlantean karma and animal hybridisation (maybe it is time to get my copy of Divinicus back from the person I borrowed it to and reread it). Quite fascinating, I am definitely not one of those with attachments to animals through a heightened sense of empathy, because I have never been big on engaging with animals. I do have a very irrational fear of dogs though (particularly if they bark and are big enough to jump up to my face), so I wonder if that could be part of that kind of karma too.

I am meanwhile back in the Netherlands and the allergy symptoms have definitely changed and are less than in Brazil, though I had a very strong allergy response on Saturday after spending time in a place with a lot of dust, that kept me awake throughout the night (even more than 2 hours of Openhand meditations in the middle of the night didn't bring much relief!). So how does one work through this kind of karma (and thus the allergies)? Is it a matter of fully going into the discomfort of the allergy symptoms when they arise (which can be so hard!) and see what comes up? Yet it is so hard to not already get attached to alleviating the allergy symptoms as an outcome of such a process!

Eric, Nice to 'see' you here! It was indeed great to meet in Bruges and to be neighbors in the field there Slightly Smiling. Interesting the Aquaman synchronicity, I hope you will find a chance to watch it soon, if you haven't already. And what an interesting synchronicity about the misspelling of appalingly, it indeed seems that there was a message for you there about Atlantis!! I had stumbled over that word when I read Open's response, but perhaps because English is not my native tongue, I had not realised it was because it was misspelled.

The post job adventure is an interesting exploration with lots of highs and lows, which I am sure you know all about yourself! There is a constant inquiry with on the one hand the part of me that might still have attachments to the old reality and the risk to unconsciously recreate something similar that feels more safe and secure, and on the other hand with the part of me that is ready for a new reality that might involve taking a bit more risk. It is amazing to see how my perspective keeps on shifting from moment to moment, what seems to feel right one moment, doesn't necessarily seem right anymore a few hours later and so on. To be continued....


Hi Marije,

Long time no see! It was awesome meeting you in Bruges and comforting to feel your strength of presence to my left. 😊 

I’ve been exploring allergic reactions myself for a long time, to insect bites in my case. I haven’t seen Aquaman yet, but curiously just this morning I came across the movie title poster and the pull to watch was so strong that I made a note in my journal to watch it ASAP. 

Plus Open said some of the experiments turned out apPAULingly so maybe some Atlantis related karma is meant to churn up for me too...😂 

Hope month 2 post job departure is going well!


There are many aspects and different threads to the Atlantean karma. One being that they experimented with human/animal hybrids, that often turned out pretty appaulingly. Imagine being a soul drawn into that kind of situation. It could certainly present as allergies (to animals for example) caused by the karma. Or else over attachment to them through a heightened sense of empathy.

Something to ponder

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks, yes I have been wondering why the body would respond so strongly to trivial things like dust and animals. Still wondering how to best work with these allergies, aware that I have a slight attachment of wanting it to go away....

I am quite curious about your mention of Atlantean karma though and how this would relate to allergies? Synchronistically I was watching the movie 'Aquaman' on the plane coming here, which features Atlantis. And the island Florianopolis where I am in Brazil seems to have quite an old and interesting history, so I wonder if it has any connection to Atlantis....

Hi Marije,

Yes, an interesting one - I do believe allergies are karmic, yes. In two ways.

First think about it - we've evolved over millions of years on the planet, and billions if you see it as one progression. So why should humanity have allergies to such obvious things?

Firstly I think it's because Homo Sapiens has been hybridised to fit within a synthetic reality.
I'd say also that plenty of starsouls have challenges here with this reality that manifests physically.
And there will be some curious Atlantean karma where the Intervention experimented with various types of human/animal hybrid.

So yes, a bit of a mix!

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

I have an inquiry about allergies/allergic reactions and what is behind them energetically. I have allergies for dust mite, cats, dogs and overall my nose tends to be sensitive for things in the air. Generally, these have been quite manageable and don't bother me that much. However, the past two weeks I have been in Brazil and suddenly, my allergies have really flared up for no clear reason (different country/continent perhaps?), at first I still tried to find a 'logical' reason for it, such as staying somewhere with cats, sleeping on an old mattress,  the humidity because of rains, but I have a sense that there is more to it than that. It was particularly bad  at night, with itchy, swollen eyes (which is usually mostly in response to cats and dogs) and a sour, painful throat keeping me awake. I have been meditating with it during the night, which would bring a little bit of relief, but it was hard to really get into the discomfort (at some point I just really wanted to scratch my eyes out to stop the itching!). Any reflections on why allergies manifest and how to work with them? Can allergies be karmic? 

Hi Nils,

Great to see you here, and good that your integrations are creating a more aligned outer mirror in life Thumbs Up Sign

I would definitely say the tinitus here is to do with the integration of higher energetic frequencies.

With regards shame, remember each distortion will conceal a hidden truth - therefore to work to unravel the truth and let go of the distortion. I would say the aligned expression of shame is accountability. We are not to blame for our distortions of the past, but accountable for finding aligned expression once we become conscious of them. No one is beyond such density from the journey of life!

Looking forwards to seeing you next down the flow

Open OK Hand SignPraying Emoji

Thank you, Marije for posting this, after I asked you about it on messenger. 

I too have had intense ringing in my ears lately, both the high pitched variant, which I interpreted as some kind of hearing damage (though not being exposed to very loud noise), and in addition a low-pitched very intense ringing in my left ear. 

Since my last Openhand retreat in june last year, Cae Mabon, I've been doing intense inner work, resulting in outer reflections, a lot of them not very pleasant or reassuring. Finally I feel I'm really on a good track, my reflections suddenly shifting dramatically, meeting lots of new people with instant connection, and the intense ringing in my ears coincides with this period. In this respect Opens response makes sense to me. Also I don't find the ringing a nuisance, it's just there, which supports this view. 

I do find it awkward to write and post this, which let's me know that I still have a lot of shame to process. However I find myself less idenfified with it then before, it's just there, and it CAN be processed and healed. 

So grateful for all I've learnt and experienced from the Openhand community. Looking forward to new retreats in the future. It's so easy to get lost in spiritual circles, and I've met a couple of dead ends this year, until finally realizing, more than on an intellectual/conceptual level, that I can only find what I'm searching for within myself. Support and guidance in the process is however not a bad idea, probably paramount during the process. 

With gratitude


Hi Marije, my sense is that this is NOT to do with an entity. I would say that what's happening is that you, as a being, are attuning to higher energetic frequencies, infusing soul, which is then needing to integrate. This might well cause an energetic dissonance that manifests as the ringing. I'd say the key is to to keep working on the transformation, working through the density and integrating the higher vibrational beingness. Then the sound should go away, because it becomes a part of the new beingness.

Best wishes

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Hi Open,

I have an inquiry about ringing/buzzing ears, something I asked about before above (link). I always associated ringing ears with the potential presence of an entity, but I remember in your response to that post you were hinting on the lower vehicle being realigned to embrace the spirit light body. In the past week or so I am experiencing very loud ringing in my ears again (probably the loudest I can remember) in both ears, to the point that yesterday I had difficulty falling asleep, because the ringing was so loud. I am just wondering what the different sources of ringingears can be. Other than an entity or the lower vehicle aligning for the spirit light body are there any other possibilities? The other day I was wondering if solar flares can be of influence here and perhaps if one gets more sensitive to radiation if that can cause ringing? And regardless of the underlying cause for the ringing, so you have any suggestions how to best work with this? I would be interested to hear your reflections!