Marye's adventures

Like some other Openhanders, I felt to start my own thread here on the forum, to share some of my experiences and feelings that don’t necessarily relate to a recent thread, but which I would like to express anyhow. So here we go!

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Following the Divinicus retreat last week, enjoying some time away in a cottage on a mountain, what was awaiting me upon my return, is dealing with my status and identity in systems, both of my birth country and the country where I have been for the past year, which has been pushing a lot of buttons, particularly creating anxiety. Anxiety of being punished by authorities, being deported, being forced to be tested or jabbed, etc. etc. On the side of where I am currently residing mistakes were made in the system due to which I was getting ‘stuck’ on any new applications. Thinking I resolved things today, to then realize that there is still another application that was already issued to me stuck in their system, that could cause trouble for future applications.

On the side of my birth country where I am currently still registered, there is a lot of grey areas with regards to whether I am still supposed to be registered in the system or not. With possible complications to both remaining registered or unregistering myself (reading about people who had to go to the counter for homeless people to be able to renew their passport after having been deregistered by the municipality) from the system, in such a way that it is hard to see the way forward. By changing my health insurance earlier this year, I actually myself caught the attention of the system now questioning me and needing me to take action by next week (I have been procrastinating on this for the past 2 months), otherwise I will be fined.

It feels like falling between the cracks of the systems, which for some reason triggers a lot of anxiety, probably about getting into trouble with authorities? The anxiety at the moment is very physical and my sense is that I am able to stay with the physical sensations better than before (still quite unpleasant!), but I still feel quite frozen on the way forward (and time is running out by now with regards to my birth country). Any reflections on this would be welcome! And wondering if there is any relation with BS energy here, given what Open wrote about earlier today?


In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

Here's the line that stood out right at the end, "time is running out".
Time only runs out when you've truly reached the edge of the cliff.
At that point, you just dive into the Void.
Many of these anxiety's are pretty much baseless.
It still feels like you're over questioning things a lot of the time. Rather than just sitting comfortably in the moment and being done with all the mental gymnastics.
Be still.
Whatever comes up that causes tightness, it is illusion. Work to unwind through it.
Remember, the liberation of soul is the ONLY real story going on.

Open 🙏

Since my last post the energies are still going strong, but interestingly something has changed about it. It feels like it is less entangled with my own stuff (unless I am somehow dissociating) and therefore less triggering, and as a result somehow more 'manageable' than before when it could completely sweep me away and leave me feeling like I am not able to 'function' in this 3D world. In some ways it is like I have become of an observer of the energies moving through, rather than having it pull me along too into what can often feel like being in a bumpy car and being hit from all angles ....

Still the intensity of the energies is physically still quite full on and I am still trying to figure out how to best navigate them. Because it seems that certain physical activities like hiking or massage only intensify things further and so far apart from my never ending dry heaving, dense foods and dancing seem to be the most useful to dampen things down a bit. I was wondering if anyone might have any advice on other ways of dampening strong energies down?

In reply to by Marye

Greetings Marije - the roller coaster (of the world) continues!

It sounds like you've made a really positive breakthrough indeed - if you can be more the observer of the energies then you're definitely going to be able to manage things better. And to be clear for anyone else tuning in, I know that you're not distancing yourself from the experience - rather disassociating by transcending through - fantastic! 😊

I think as you bring attention to this experience more, then you'll be able to channel more energy without having to dampen it down.
Do you drink coffee? If I want to shift focus more from the lower densities it works a treat for me!
I find raw chocolate helps too!

Open 💙🙏

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for your feedback! Now I understand why lately I have been drinking more coffee than usual (unfortunately it is not easy to find raw chocolate around here)! The energies are still pretty intense (sometimes causing physical pain), but I continue to watch it with interest now as I go about my daily life.


In reply to by Marye

Yes Marije - the energies are indeed intense and will likely keep being so for some time.

I find coffee a great help at times where the energies get too intense in the body - coffee turns off the pain receptors to a fair degree. However, we need to balance this one! If you drink too much, then the body gets accustomed to it and more dependent but with less beneficial effect. For that reason I tend to regulate my intake to around 3 cups a week - but each time becomes ceremony and connected with intermittant fasting, so as to enhance the effect - it's "plant medicine!"

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marye,

I was reading your sharings with much compassion. Honestly, not much I could help... But when it touched the chocolate theme..! If you would like may I suggest to make your own raw chocolate - many would not believe how easy and simple it can be :) I never buy the ready-made chocolate again. If this is something that may brighten your (and everyone's else) days here is the recipe:

100g cacao butter

1/2 cup raw cacao powder

1/4 cup maple syrup (or other syrup, the level of sweetness can be amended as you like)

1 cup of GRATITUDE (optional :) )

Melt the cacao butter in a hot water "bath" (happy to explain if needed). Stir in the remaining ingredients and mix well. Spoon the mixture in any forms / molds or dish you have (I do in a muffin tray or silicone ice cubes tray). Can be additionally toped with what ever your imagination allows. Put in a freezer to set for couple of hours, I leave overnight and then keep it there enjoying small piece at a time / day. 

That's it. Done! Dive into a joy and pleasure of the moment. I personally like to add 3 tbsp of HAPPINESS by dancing while waiting cacao butter to melt Heart

Here is my outcome but I believe you could make yours with ease! 



Sending lots of sweet Love HeartPraying Emoji


In reply to by Open

Thanks Asta! Looks mouth watering indeed! I used to make lots of this when I was still living in Europe. Unfortunately, in Malawi the ingredients to do so are not available (cocoa butter, maple syrup, agave syrup, lucuma, etc.), or good vegan chocolate for that matter (and if you are lucky to find some it will cost the 3 or 4 fold), so my chocolate consumption has significantly dropped since coming here.... But this exchange is encouraging me to look into seeing if there are ways I could import some!

In reply to by Marye

Yeah, Marye, it sounds a bit unfortune. But hey, the chocolate is not everything on the earth. I trust it is possible to find something else instead... music for example. I really like the music you shared recently - thank you, that 'Dreamstate Logic' is on my music player these days Praying Emoji

Much love Heart

How do these feelings translate into words….? Maybe there are no words, to express the energetic turbulence that is going on internally? Am I still a human being or rather just an energetic storm raging through a physical body? How does an energetic storm function in a 3D existence? Yearning to get out of this restrictive physical body, yearning to go home to the place of purity, innocence and harmony that I know exists elsewhere in this universe.....

Some words that came to me a few days ago:

The things from the past that are no longer,

As if they had never been in the first place.

The things in this moment fleeting away,

Into the distance of that which was never there to begin with,

The things in the future that aren’t here yet,

disappearing as quickly as they came.


The emptiness of the moment,

full of potential, yet,

devoid of any substance at the same time.


What are these words more than droplets of energy, weaving together an illusion that can seem so real?

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for your support! I was definitely in the thick of it all! It seems that a hike to the peak of one of the mountains around the city where I am currently staying kicked off a whole lot of stuff, but meanwhile some of the intensity has subsided, which is quite a relief. Though a part of me is already bracing for whatever next wave of density is going to hit Slightly Smiling. This song I came across today captures the feelings quite well....

Walkin blindly on a path without an end

Then the morning comes and leads me out again

And it brings it all back to me

And then this one from the same artist!

Swaying left, right and center,

My head pounding,

My face twitching,

My hands on fire,

My stomach churning,

My joints aching,

My chest contracting,

Crying until there are no more tears left in me,

Sweating until there is no more liquid left in me,

Dry heaving until there is no more air left in me,

Is there any end to this madness?

I have recently started a new consultancy assignment that is very much in line with my past professional identity and I am currently finding myself in a familiar challenging vicious circle about it. I might have just been more effective at suppressing it in the past, whereas right now it is quite in my face, probably an invitation to work through it more. Let me try and explain the circle, which I haven’t even fully grasped myself, but anxiety is at the heart of it. For the assignment I have to explore, analyze and synthesize a lot of information and present it in a report, both an intellectual as well as creative task. The anxiety is around not being able to deliver the agreed work, not being able to get my head around things, letting the people who gave me the assignment down and looking like an absolute failure. I don’t get the same anxiety with assignments that are relatively straightforward and defined, whereas in this case it is more up to me to define the direction and framework, so perhaps there is something in there about anxiety being judged negatively for what I have produced (intellectually)? Also the fact that this is an income generating activity adds to the anxiety, that if I can’t deliver successfully I will somehow loose or become without resources….

The anxiety triggers a lot of physical tension in my body, sometimes to the point that I feel I can hardly breathe because of the tightness in my chest, as well as leaving me with a lot of physical pain and headaches, causing a sense of feeling physically incapacitated/paralyzed by the pain. As a result of that it becomes hard to actually focus at the task at hand and there is a strong tendency to start procrastinating from the work as a way of avoiding the discomfort. Yet at the same time the inability to work effectively because of the anxiety, triggers even more anxiety and thus physical discomfort, so that it almost becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the anxiety triggers itself more and more, and consequently I become less and less able to work effectively in that state. Having gone through this cycle in various degrees in the past (though perhaps never as conscious before), what also tends to happen is that I start beating myself up about not making progress, also as a result of the procrastination, and therefore force myself to drag on until I have ‘done enough’, which means that something that would normally only take 3 hours of work, can easily become 9 hours or more, because of which I will deny myself other things such as relaxation and social interactions. It is like I end up burying myself in the job until it is done, which is not a very pleasant journey.

I have already bowed a few times into the fear of not being able to deliver, and although there was release in that process, the cycle still feels as intense as before. Any reflections of how break through this vicious cycle more, would be welcome!

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

We’ve spoken so I am familiar with what you are experiencing. I wonder about the patterns of behavior around the creative process.... do you find there is a connection between anxiety, pressure, fear of failure and end result of completion which may equate to an old paradigm of success?

Is it possible that the anxiety is a way your body is informing you about the work itself? Perhaps part of you isn’t on the same page with taking on this engagement?

just some thoughts from what you shared 😘Jen 

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for checking in! You always have a knack for asking the right questions and ! There is definitely a part of me that is terrified of not being able to deliver within the context of this old paradigm/identity according to which I used to perform. I keep on having this image of myself in front of the people that gave me the assignment having to tell them 'I am sorry, I failed', causing a lot of tightness. And my mind is trying to find all sorts of external reasons why this might have happened that I could give to them, rather than having to tell them that I was incompetent/incapacitated to do it....

And yes there is indeed a part of me that isn't all that excited about taking on this assignment and kind of reconnecting with what feels like an old part of me. Yet, I am aware that this part feels pressured to deliver in the 'usual way', which is where some of the friction happens. It is like feeling pressure to deliver an 'old trick', yet the old doesn't work anymore and I can't really see a new way of delivering this either, which is exactly where the anxiety kicks in that comes with a sense of hopelessness and incapacitation to deliver the 'expected outcome'.

In reply to by Marye

I know this is kind of a little silly sounding but I like to think sometimes and these moments like wow what an amazing creator I am :-) so you’ve created the perfect circumstances for you to enter and feel through the anxiety come into the sacred ground of being an perhaps in that space they’ll be a new way to navigate this particular experience. I know that’s not so easy though and we get taken on a lot of Internal rides through that journey so I don’t mean to minimize that at all! However I know that you totally have the capacity to navigate it as well! Even if sometimes that feels chaullenged and of course the challenge helps us find a deeper and more alive sense of ourselves in at all! With you!

My mind is trying to be somewhat ‘composed’ in writing a post here, but if I am honest at the moment ‘composed’ is the last thing I feel right now. Rather I feel overwhelmed by all emotional colours of the rainbow, I feel confused, alone, that my life has no purpose, afraid of becoming incapacitated, there is grief of I don’t even know what, anger at the state the world is in right now and fear of myself of where this might end…. Feels like I am tumbling into this bottomless pit and once I hit the bottom there will be no way back out. And then there is the self-judgement that I am victimizing myself, that I am somehow failing to surrender into all of this, into the overwhelm, in other words that it is all my own fault. And at the same time I am terrified to surrender into the feelings, afraid that I will go mad and not knowing what might be done to me because of it (compulsory hospitalization?). I know there is an element of control stuck in there, the need to control myself from going mad, from somehow being ‘composed’ enough to face the 3D existence that I so wish I could escape… This 3D existence that I am so angry at, particularly in recent times, all the ridicule that is happening, the illusions, the number of people buying into it, the suppression and suffering it causes to humanity…

I feel like a burden to my environment and that the world would be better of without me. That I don’t really have much to offer the world, feeling useless and that my life doesn’t really have a purpose. And I feel like a complete failure even being listed on the Openhand website as a facilitator, as I am doing a pretty bad job on even facilitating myself, how am I supposed to support others on their journey? I feel like I have been wasting a lot of my life doing things that didn’t really feel aligned to me, because I was too afraid to follow my soul and the risk that would entail, leaving me mostly feeling unaccomplished and unsatisfied…. I have been living out of a suitcase for the past almost 1.5 years now, without a base or a sense of direction, leaving me feeling uncentered and useless. A lot of the old ways of doing things don’t seem to work anymore as they used to, yet are still pulling on me and new ways of being are yet to unwind and in the midst of that I am finding myself stuck and confused. Confused even about which leg to put forward first as I walk, left or right?

Apologies for the kind of blunt rant, but I suppose I am so tired by now of being kind of honest of how I feel, but yet still sugar-coating it a bit to not make it sound to dramatic…. And the self-judging part of me reckons I am just writing this to get some attention, for someone to tell me it is not all that bad as I presented things above as a distraction…. Perhaps the best way to summarize the above would be to say that I am really tired of myself right now and therefore don’t really enjoy hanging out with myself (looking for distractions as much as I can, but have manifested circumstances where there aren’t as many available) and in some ways I am terrified of myself and don’t really know how to cope other than hanging on for my dear life to old conditionings and patterns (which I know doesn’t serve) than to let go and risk loosing my senses all together…

There is a lot of resistance towards posting this and putting this out there…. And to some extent I am not even really sure who is writing or posting this…. So I am trying to tell myself that it is just some kind of expression I am putting out there, however distorted it might be, so that I can overcome the shame of distorted expression without sugar-coating and of feeling like I am kind of losing my senses at the moment.

In reply to by Marye

I am there with you Marye as I am also experiencing similar feelings of being plain tired of my old self and new self is not even near the sight. Maybe not as dramatic as yours experience but going in that direction. I am actually looking forwards to my failures as a parent, father and possibly as a family provider roles. Not something I have to intention rather to happen organically if/when it happens.  I just have to remember of letting go and surrender.

With Love,



In reply to by Marye


Hi Marije,  

Your openness and vulnerability is inspiring! It's also relieving to know that I'm not alone. And that's what I say to you too, you are not alone! Thanks for having the courage to express, no matter how distorted you think it is. Many thinngs you say, jumps out and reflects back to me. Like the feeling of being a failure and the fear that I will not make it?! Ever! Make where I don't know. The sense of regret, purposeless and having no direction.  Comparing myself to others especially when I'm in such a state. And even wishing that I hadn't started this journey! But during those times, I remind myself of all the simple joy the journey has offered, places it has taken me and the people I have connected with, the intimacy and sense of connection to something beyond me. I'm sure you have felt these.  I know the old me wasn't sensitive enough to feel any of these things. And the sensitivity could have only found by unravelling the old me. I remind myself there is no purpose other than this moment and the rightness of it, the joy life has to offer. And if this moment offers pain and sense of worthlessness ,then I'm gonna fuckin sit on it however long it takes until it unravels. If following the journey means I will end up on the street , then so be it. Unless I feel to act from my soul. And I know there will always be another way, another game . The light will finds it way. Reminds me , the other day my friend and I was driving through heavy traffic in intense heat. And I was contemplating on the sense of having no connection, and lost in this gigantic world. My friend pointed at this grass coming out of dense concrete and said how life can even grow in such a condition. 

There with you! 

Vimal <3

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije - clearly you're going through another round of challenging deep exploration - I'm glad you posted here and thanks so much to Anatoly and Vimal for tuning in. This is what I mean about "coming together as a community" - because often, it's just a kind word or thought which can help someone through and lift them. Heart

This jumped out quite strongly from what you said Marije...

anger at the state the world is in right now and fear of myself of where this might end…. Feels like I am tumbling into this bottomless pit and once I hit the bottom there will be no way back out.

Lots of people will be feeling this in the world right now - perhaps BILLIONS of people! And for them, mostly they'll have no spiritual perspective of where this is ultimately leading or that there is a way out. A lot of these people will be realising there's no return to "normal" - no way out.

If you're empathic and given to work the energy fields at a global level, then you'll most likely feel this. And as you know, if there's an aspect of yourself trying to figure that out, then the inquiry can get stuck inside and magnified by what's going on outside.

We'll have a session next week (my earliest opportunity), but for now, I'd invite you to work on the idea of hopelessness - what that means. And looking for the light at the end of the tunnel - because there most definitely is.

I also get the sense (and spoke to you about this a few weeks back), that there might be some new direction coming - some new lead role. Maybe it's time to pay attention to possibilities and see if there's a likely fit. Something to be aware of an explore.

Know that you are most definitely NOT alone! That you are loved and supported by those in the ether...


Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Marye

Dear Anatoly, Vimal and Open,

Thanks for tuning into my post and your supportive words. Knowing that I am not alone is perhaps the biggest support in it all (which I of course already knew, but somehow good to have that reinforced…). And yes Anatoly I can really relate to being tired of my old self, but yet the new self seems to still be hiding from sight, leaving me in a kind of no man’s land, where the old self is still desperately looking for some kind of identity…

Vimal, I admire your dedication to the path no matter what. When you said ‘If following the journey means I will end up on the street, then so be it.’ I realised I am not fully there yet, I can still think of enough situations of which just the thought makes me cringe, let alone to sit in it.

Open, thanks for the suggestion of focusing on hopelessness. Actually yesterday after posting this and an insightful exchange with Jen, I realised that there is a lot of tightness for me around ‘letting people down’ or not being able to help/save them, which I suppose is a form of hopelessness, but that sometimes masquerades as fear of failure (as long as there is no other people involved I couldn’t care less about failing, but if my ‘failure’ means that people are let down that’s where the internal tightness starts). I bowed into these feelings of letting people down, which was quite painful, lots of grief, but left me feeling a lot better afterwards.

Hi Open, I felt to transfer the exchange from Jen's thread to my thread here....

Hi Marije - I would say what I'm experiencing here on the Sword and the Stone Tour dovetails precisely with what I'm hearing a lot of Openhanders experiencing - that is much challenge on the plane of the physical. I can feel lots of new energies coming in and wanting to be earthed. So that might cause quite a blockage for those who are (often unkowlingly) challenling energy in. I would suggest exploring how you may ground the energy, or at least distribute it, letting it decide where it needs to go. Watch out for tomorrow's singing chakra meditation from Castlerig in the Lake District where I've been today. That might help. Same to all tuning in having serious physical challenges right now.

Do you have any suggestions other than the singing chakra meditation, on how to ground, distribute or letting the energy where it needs to go? Although there was a sense of relief now that my laptop is up and running again, meanwhile all sorts of other physical challenges have kicked off, still leaving me feeling quite incapacitated. My eyes are itching like crazy, the sinuses in my cheeks feeling very tender and irritated, and lots of heat in my body (as I am writing this it feels like my body is on fire!). Also at the moment I am waking up at least once a night in some kind of state of panic/paranoia as if I am also processing quite a bit in my sleep.... All in all functioning physically is quite a challenge at the moment, which is also challenging my mental well being, going through waves of depressive feelings. And I find it hard to relate on this to people other than perhaps Openhanders, which is making me quite seclusive and shunning interaction with people when I am going through these physical challenges...

In reply to by Marye

Hey Marije, 

Thank you for your sharing - I am very curious about this myself. For the last month or so I've been experiencing sudden feelings of the heart racing and the sense of electric activity like a charged field of energy around the heart. It's a very unsettling feeling and also wakes me up at night with a sense of panic. I lay awake for a long time while I feel hyperaware of my heart beating and all the sensations that are happening around the heart.  I will see how it feels to sound with it and perhaps breathe into the chakras. I've been drinking some really good earthy brews of Burdock root, astragulus root and nettles, plus Hawthorne and feels very earthy, nurturing and grounding with some good heart medicine in there too. With you! Jen

In reply to by .Jen

Thanks for your suggestions Jen - very helpful Heart

How do we make this all easier? It's not meant to be easy!

Consider going to the gym. You know that pumping iron will make the muscles stronger,  and in order to do that, it has to stress the muscles in some way - then they decided to grow. There is no short cut!

Growing the 'spiritual muscles' is going to be tough. And especially at this time where we're brining in a lot of energy. Yes, at times, I feel like my whole body is vibrating and on fire. Sometimes the mind goes into overdrive. Sometimes there are palpitations in the heart. Remember the Sacred Ground of Being through all of this. When it gets crazy, breathe deep into the core. Let the mind and emotions flow, but work to centre in the Sacred Ground. And work the body, it helps you stay centred in the emotional/mental turmoil.

I know it's tough. But we didn't sign up for it to be easy!
Right there with you.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Marije,

now seems to be an intense time where people are invited to enter into their heart space.

During last week i experienced an immense transformation, which started with a nervous breakdown and followed by extreme physical weakness and the feeling of being completely exhausted. Forced me to take two days on the sofa with lots of tea and without really eating anything. That situation opened for me the time and space to let surface all of my fears and worries that had gathered for a couple of weeks without being appreciated. 

With some pondering then there was a sudden shift in the energy and all these fears and worries just fall away. And the heart opened! It opened in a beautiful way into all directions and i could very well feel the energy radiating out on its back side. My totally upset digestive system was restored in hours, something i had never before witnessed. Now i can feel my palm chakras again, which hadn't been the case for a long time. Such a liberation!

I now understand that this, let's call it a 'Hard Reset' was necessary to be able to let go and reboot my system to restart on a higher level of energy. So for me the most important part in this period is to focus on the heart, doing meditations for the heart, sending loving energy into the heart. (this angelich meditation did the trick for me, if it resonates: ). My sister experienced her recent heart opening by singing songs that she loves, to open the expression of her heart and to sing it out loud into the world.

Much love,

In reply to by Open

Hi Open and Thomas,

Open, I could have known you would have reflected it isn't meant to be easy Slightly Smiling. Yesterday morning I woke up actually being able to feel myself again, so to say, although the back pain was still there, internally it was calm for a change, which was such a relief! Of course I could have known this wasn't going to last long, as in the evening things kicked off again and I just woke up from a very restless night full of paranoia and panic, to the point that I started wondering if I was possessed by something. My energy being all over the place, I struggle to find my way back to the Sacred Ground, sometimes I manage for a brief moment, before I get swept away by the energies again. Other than the incapacitating back pain, I particularly feel a knot of fear in my abdomen and a tightness around my eyes/third eye. I have just started a new consultancy assignment and all the incapacitating energies are somehow perpetuating a fear that I am not able to accomplish the job, that I will somehow end up in a vegetative state of incapacitation. Trying hard to hang in there with lots of bow meditations!

Thomas, wow sounds like you have gone through a wonderful transformation, thanks for sharing! I have to admit that reading about it makes me feel slightly envious, hoping that I can come out on the other side of all the current feelings of incapacitation in a similar way. But I guess there is no real recipe for it and we all have our unique journey in it. Thanks for the link to that meditation from Steve Nobel, I am going to check it out!

In reply to by Marye

One of my fellow Openhanders just pointed me to the following definition of 'incapacitation', which really struck a cord. It is like there is so much energy moving that I am afraid that I won't be able to contain it and therefore I get swept away by it.

The verb incapacitate is related to the word capacity. which comes from the Latin word capacitas, meaning "that can contain," or how much something — brain, bucket or otherwise — can hold. Theprefix in- reverses the meaning and when the suffix -ate is added, incapacitate means someone has been made unable to "contain" much — like attention, effort, or energy"

Meanwhile, after waking up from a restless night, I have been able to navigate the energies a bit better today by kind of consciously let the energies move through. This means that I have been in an almost permanent state of overheating and sweating (particularly my chest and back) and occasionally my body will start trembling and swinging, but at least I am able to maintain some kind of sense of centredness in the midst of it, which leaves me feeling less incapacitated and able to function in the 3D.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

What you're describing is a regular occurance in my world!

What I've realised is that if I just let it flow, even though it may feel a degree crazy at times, it opens a bigger pipe, and so one becomes increasingly able to handle a stronger flow of consciousness.

But yes, quite a ride!

Open The Sun Emojivoltage emoji icon

Hello dear ones (marye, rougebuy, open)

They say the creator gave milk to the baby when there were no teeth and then provided food when the teeth appeared, so would relate the experiences were given to those who had the virtue to handle, although can't comment still on the justification of why all this is happening, have had questions also (similar), but it's good to accept even if things are a mystery and work out with your own experiences as and how you know more...yes for some reason, connecting first and then releasing - made understanding each other easier (metaphor), might be different for different people..

there is positivity in the fact that we were kept moving, feel we are being listened to and helped by spirit. as guided by open, holding on to our sacred ground of being, sometimes have felt it's the otherway around as well that the sacred being is holding us....

"letting it play it's role and trying to watch from the sidelines" from rougebuy, is already a blessed way to look at not worrying about what may be the storyline, uncertainty sometimes opens new ways...

although open would know more, what i have understood is that some form of balance is being given to people in their persona and they are as if being taught to work through, accept some attributes which they are clearly not, especially I feel for people who may be will eventually benefit from this crazy happening

would also say loving little things that you like, even if it meant a small walk in the garden, looking at the beauty and the colors of the leaves or nature, making your cup of tea or something that u really enjoy and quick as well (it has been possible to be creative for having a tasty dish (as a break time) out of even whatever you have in your fridge or go short time targeted shopping

You are blessed if you have been able to sleep sound and get up fresh, although same things might have started again, believe that things will get better and better..

so we do have thankful moments, even in the confusion writing a short gratitude note to God, spirit or however one may call or relate

communicate your true feelings - talking to self and express it out, crying out loud while holding to a chair or sofa if that happens for a while, let it be, it's okay

you have probably been given the expertize to see a thought if conflicted, are allowed to delete or request to delete or as one is encouraged to believe that one is incharge ( be thankful again)

consider you are blessed, if can live in the present mostly, for the time being if no targets happening, consider it being okay and accepting whatever short term

also holding on to your favorite thoughts, people very special to you, a greater love always helps, listening to devotional songs or literature can connect us with higher mind (thank you open)

feel we are being helped, so hold on to yourself for yourself is much more.......



Ok, so I was going to write about an inquiry about the concept/idea of ‘truth’ that I have been having. However, in the process of trying to write my inquiry down that seemed to make so sense in my mind, I got more and more confused about what it was that I was trying to say and where my inquiry was really going. Then I realized that perhaps what I should really be writing about is the sense of confusion that I have been having lately. Although I am not even sure whether ‘confusion’ is actually the right word for what I am trying to express, so there is even confusion about what I am actually confused about…. But it is something to do with the way I experience reality these days that the confusion is related to.

First of all, my brain seems to have become a bit of a sieve and although there are enough things that I do remember, there is so many things these days, even happening yesterday or earlier today, that I already can’t remember now, as if they never even really happened. Secondly, whereas in the past I was able to let’s say ‘structure my thoughts’ into something comprehensible that I could then put into words to convey to others, these days when I try to put things into words, like the inquiry about ‘truth’, there seems to be no structure, just loose threads that don’t come together anywhere, even though somehow internally it makes complete sense to me. Often this leads to either giving up or not even trying to write things down in the first place. Thirdly, I have a lot of loud ringing in my head these days, often making it difficult to concentrate on something and there is a questioning whether this is some kind of interference or rather just more soul coming through that is pushing me out of my usual overthinking self. All in all my ‘mind’ doesn’t seem to function the way it used to, sometimes leading to a kind of ‘apathy’, because when the mind tries to operate as it was used to, it just ends up in a state of confusion.

And somehow the confusion leads to a sense of frustration, frustration for things ‘not working out’ anymore, for feeling like a loose bunch of disconnected threads that don’t seem to come together anywhere.

Does anyone recognize this?


P.S. As I have just posted this, I realize that there is some relationship of what I have written with my previous post on this thread titled ‘no storyline’ and Open’s response to it.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

Sounds like you're having a powerful inquiry indeed Slightly Smiling

This part stood out strongest for me...

there is so many things these days, even happening yesterday or earlier today, that I already can’t remember now, as if they never even really happened. Secondly, whereas in the past I was able to let’s say ‘structure my thoughts’ into something comprehensible that I could then put into words to convey to others, these days when I try to put things into words, like the inquiry about ‘truth’, there seems to be no structure, just loose threads that don’t come together anywhere, even though somehow internally it makes complete sense to me.

I think initially we see truth as something to rationalise - and there are threads of it stretching from the past into the present and then to the future, that seem to make sense, so we build reality around the thoughts. When in authenticity, it's the other way around.

I mean work to let go of the rigid constructs. And you're right - dig deep into the sense of confusion - not needing an answer.

Let the truth of the moment come more as a feeling sense. Then work to build the thoughts around that.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Thanks for your reflections in response to my post. What stood out from your post for me was when you said at the end:

Let the truth of the moment come more as a feeling sense. Then work to build the thoughts around that.

I know that the feeling sense of the moment is already there, but it is the building thoughts around that where the confusion starts, almost as if something is misfiring due to which the feeling sense can’t get ‘translated' into thoughts or words, hence my challenge to write things down. In some way it feels as if the feeling sense and the thoughts are almost like two entities operating in parallel, but often not coming together anywhere, which can lead to a sense of internal friction. In the past my thoughts were definitely dominating and suppressing the feeling sense, but by now they are more at par. However, there is a lot of fear around letting the feeling sense come through more and letting the thoughts follow them, a sense of panic and danger if I do so, making it seem that letting the thoughts be in the driver seat is a more ‘safe’ journey (I can already hear you say ‘life is not safe’ Wink Emoji). And fear is definitely the most challenging thing for me to work through, because my whole body tends to go into flight mode, and all I can think about is how to escape whatever it is that triggers the fear, making it very hard to stay right in the experience and move through it…..

In reply to by Marye

You have described what i am feeling perfectly, although i would not have been able to describe it very well myself! The only word that comes near describing the way i feel at the moment is "disjointed", although i know this is still not quite the right word. But the end result is it leaves me feeling anxious and therefore fearful I am having trouble even finding a way to express to myself my feeling/sense, so at the moment i am letting it play it's role and trying to watch from the sidelines as much as i can. I had a fantastic facilitation by Megha as part of our buddy group experience and what came from that was that my masculine and feminine sides appeared to be in conflict; I am now working to harmonise the two aspects to see if that will catalyse anything.

I have been feeling to post something here for a while now, but somehow when push comes to shove, some strange fear kicks in that stops me from doing so, that creates all sorts of tightness and reasons why not to and postpone. The past few months lots of things have been stirring up internally, but when I try to put things down nothing seems to make sense anymore. It is like at a feeling level things are sensible, but when I try to boil it down to 3D level there seems to be no ‘storyline’ (or perhaps rather there are too many storylines in parallel!). A bit like when in a dream everything seems to make sense, but once you wake up it doesn’t seem to add up anymore. In some way, it is like there is too much, like there are so many realisations at the same time, yet in the midst of them there is no realisation at all…..

Even as I am trying to write this, there is a lot of apprehension, what do I really have to share? where is this going? If I can’t even make sense out of it myself, who would? There is tightness, ‘better just give up now, and don’t waste your time on writing some nonsense’, ‘better delete that sentence now, because people are going to think you don’t have it all together anymore’, ‘surely Open is going to comment on the use of ‘having it all together, you better use a different phrasing’, etc. etc. There is this fear of putting myself out there purely as I am, with all my flaws and weaknesses right on the front cover, rather than trying to hide them or make them at least sound a bit cooler than what they really are. Fear of being ridiculed, of being lectured/corrected, of being abandoned for not being worthy, of being persecuted, you name it…. And is there perhaps shame too? Shame for the part that doesn’t seem to fit in, the part that sometime doesn’t know what is up or down, left or right and more and more seems to be forgetting what happened 2 minutes ago, let alone before that.

Having just written the previous paragraph, the fear is swelling, needing to go back to reread and polish it and make it sounds at least a bit more ‘intelligible’. Yet when I allow myself to sink more into myself, all that seems to want to flow Is some kind of incomprehensible gibberish, that wouldn’t even correspond with any human language…. Sometimes it can feel like 2 different worlds that don’t come together anywhere, other than perhaps within me. On the one hand the incomprehensible gibberish that makes perfect sense to me, but doesn’t seem to translate to my 3 dimensional existence in any way, and at the same time the 3D world, that in many ways doesn’t make much sense to me, other than perhaps to the conditioned construct in my head. And sometimes I don’t know who is who, as if there are multiple identities trapped inside of me and depending on the circumstances one will be dominating in a particular moment. And whilst I am writing this, the mind is feeling uncomfortable about the lack of storyline it is able to determine in what I am putting down right now, feeling a great urge to review and rearrange, so I will need to make an effort to post this in this thread just as is.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije, I'm right there with you. And plenty of others will surely be experiencing what you've articulated - that they feel strangely out of place in the world and that nothing makes sense any more. I've actually been feeling waves of psychosis coming through the field. And that's what can happen as the reality construct you though you were living in starts to break down or transform.

What you said here is illuminating in that regard...

when I try to boil it down to 3D level there seems to be no ‘storyline’ (or perhaps rather there are too many storylines in parallel!). A bit like when in a dream everything seems to make sense, but once you wake up it doesn’t seem to add up anymore. In some way, it is like there is too much, like there are so many realisations at the same time, yet in the midst of them there is no realisation at all…..

The mind shapes a construct so people can mediate safely through the 3D - but it also creates a limiting box. Firstly people are realising that the box created for them has some ugly sides and shadows they never knew existed. And then the box starts to break down. And so the psyche feels insecure. That's okay, it's also necessary. But people then need a "mast in the storm". They need to connect with a different aspect of themselves as theire true centre. At Openhand this is expressed as The Sacred Ground of Being.

It's more a feeling sense rather than an idea about reality. And this is what we must help people feel and align with now.

Much love and support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

As I was feeling into some strong internal energies today, it suddenly dawned to me that I am terrified of these energies and subconsciously suppress them as much as possible. In a way it feels as if I am suppressing my own strength out of fear, overwriting it with a more subdued version of myself, in other words as if I am suppressing myself. When I do allow the energy to rise, there is an incredible heat in my abdominal area, and all I can do is beating pillows, moving frantically, stamping the floor and making noise. Yet as soon as the fear interfers my body contracts, particularly in my shoulder area, and becomes very tense. At the same time there is a kind of grief, a grief of not belonging, particularly when I am with others who for example seem to sit in meditation peacefully, while for me energy is raging inside and it feels like expressing would be disruptive and making myself an ‘outcast’, who is not able to contain or control the energies. I can feel how there is a sophisticated internal system in place to control the strong energies, but also how more and more these strong energies and the control system are clashing internally, creating a lot of physical tension.

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marye - it sounds like you might have a strong uprising of 'raptor consciousness', but are afraid of it internally - does that resonate?

The fact that you're feeling heat in the belly would indicate healing is already beginning to happen. I'd say it's a case of letting the energy come through - let it express through you. Let go of your fear about it. Then you'll come into an aligned place with it.

Open Praying Emoji

I wanted to post something, but when I try to write there is just a sense of confusion, as if the threads in my head go in different directions, without lining up anywhere. And there is this feeling, a feeling that is saying a lot, yet can’t be put down into words on paper. Since Friday I have been feeling strange/ill with joint pains, back pains, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, bloatedness, low-grade fevers and lots of internal energy that seems to want to move all over the place. It feels contradictory that my physical body is feeling very sluggish and at the same time there seems to be a lot of energy wanting to move (it actually feels like the joint pains is excessive energy getting clogged up). When I lie down and close my eyes, I seem to be drifting of to some other space, and any attempt to sit in meditation ends up in a non-stop heaving session, to the point that this weekend I found myself with a mouth full of vomit after one heave Grinmacing, which was a first, because until then it had always just been air. On Monday I felt fully physically energized again and I thought I was passed it, but since yesterday I am back to feeling ‘sick’ again and this morning I woke up feeling like I had just been hit by a truck. I am struggling how to ‘be’ with this, without looking for a way for the physical discomfort to go away or to understand what all that I am experiencing is about…


P.S. On another note, I never really posted an update that I jumped off the fence early February and moved ‘home’ to Malawi for now. Although the impact of the virus craze elsewhere in the world is definitely somewhat noticeable here, at the same time with no testing facilities, it means there is ‘no’ virus here yet and life pretty much goes on as usual Slightly Smiling

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije - sounds like you're going through the mill! What you describe are the symptoms of the virus itself. But perhaps you're empathising with the energy of the system. I've had various curious energies move through me these last few days too. Although yours does sound pretty intense.

It'll be fascinating to see how things play out where you are in Malawi where there's no system fear pandemic.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Marye

Dear Marye, 

I am hesitant to write this but I shared the details of my snot filled weeks, so what the heck :)

Since the last few days I am feeling elated. Almost like I'm full of light. It's such a strange experience in the midst of the contracted experience everyone else is having. I am consciously trying to empathize with the state of Fear people around me are feeling. But I feel drunk on spring. The flowers, the sky ( visible now as the pollution in so much reduced). And the trees!! Everything is so joyful and bright.

Am I suppressing mightily? I have gotten back to my fasting routine and am eating healthy foods. And playing with my kid as she is off from school. And keeping myself embodied because I am facing the onslaught of Fear based media. And yet, I feel this under current of light!

( is there something wrong with me ?)



Hi Sam,

Thanks for your feedback, it is indeed a joy to be connecting here! I realise that by now I might be connecting with your through the ether in La Palma and you might only see this once you get back…. It is funny that you most loved the third phrase in Dutch, because that is actually the one I don't fully understand and made me most wonder ‘who wrote this’ Slightly Smiling.

There are a few things that jumped out from your post for me, namely responsibility, caring and authentic expression that seemed to be related, but I can already feel that feeling, of trying to make sense of what I am trying to say as I am writing, arising. It is interesting what you say about there being no rudeness and negativity here on the platform, because what people express is ‘real’, in other words when people express really authentically then perhaps it doesn’t come across as rude? Would that mean that only if what people write is not ‘real’ or authentic it could be perceived as rude? And in that light, what does it mean to be ‘caring’ or ‘not caring’? Is perhaps the only responsibility that we have in terms of ‘caring’ for others to express authentically/real?

I relate to a lot of the things you raise, but I am still curious what you mean by ‘caring or not caring about your impact on your environment’? Isn’t this something very subjective as you already somewhat allured to in distinguishing between your own sense of caring and the sense of the other. And what if your environment is really in the need of a bit of drama to evolve on their journey, then would avoiding to rock the boat be a matter of ‘caring’ for the other or rather ‘not caring’ for the other? One of my inquiries based on my personal experiences has been whether too much ‘caring’ or taking responsibility for others can in fact become smothering for the other side and therefore rather disempowering (and in this power dynamic the ‘caring’ side perhaps having issues around needing to be in control?).

Finally, I am quite curious about the following you wrote:

As I realize that everything is in this moment, and all the rest forms as a result from it, there's no need in dragging things along 'all the time', nor dealing with fear, as the fear for me is the uncertainty of a desired outcome, triggered by past failure.

Not sure why, but there seems to be something avoidant in this for me, particularly there being ‘no need dealing with fear’. If everything is in the moment and fear arises in that moment for whatever reason (regardless of whether the fear is related to the moment or past failure, which might in effect be one and the same) then I would say there is something to be dealt with and faced in that moment?

Just pondering…


Wow that is deeply moving Marije. I really feel your soul coming through in that. And I've not heard you express in that way before. There's certainly no need to polish. And I would say it would inspire many, should they read it. Awesome Thumbs Up Sign

When I began my journey here and experienced a dramatic shift towards being the real me, there was a strong sense to express, no matter what. It ALWAYS came through distorted, but how else would you be able to resolve the expression and align it?

Keep expressing. You have an untapped stream of beauty there.

Open Praying Emoji


You wrote in response to my post in another thread today:

Whatever we have a fear of, we must confront at some point, if we are to be truly free

One of my fears is about putting myself out there uncensored and unpolished, vulnerable I suppose, probably because of the fear of being judged negatively and then rejected/persecuted. So I thought to create an opportunity to confront that fear here by just letting the words flow and then putting them out here. As I was writing the words below down I had to suppress the temptation to polish them up, because it was not yet good enough, to not get carried away by thoughts of what people might think of it or what I was actually trying to say here and how I might explain the meaning to others. And I was witnessing the tightness arising every time I would think about putting the words out here. And then as I am writing this I suddenly see myself in a fire squad just before being shot, which stirs up a lot of emotion. Karma perhaps, though my mind thinks I just have too much fantasy. 

And now that I have put this down here, there is an enormous tightness about pressing the 'save' button for this post and a temptation to just delete these words as if they never existed in the first place. So I suppose my freedom lies in pressing that save button nevertheless.....?


Authentic me can’t take it anymore,

keeping up appearances of what it is not,

just to maintain peace and not discomfort others.


Authentic me just wants to express itself,

in every color of the rainbow, unrestricted,

even if that causes discomfort to others.


Authentic me is free like a bird,

to sing whatever song arises,

happy or sad.


Authentic me accepts everyone as they are,

including itself,

without exception.


Authentic me is ready to surrender,

to the lessons that life has to offer,

without fear.


Authentic me, a beautiful beingness,

that is ready to be set free,

from the shackles of the ego.


Authentic me, I love you,

Authentic you, I love me.

Hi Marije,

My experience of the flow is that it can be really subtle in the beginning, in terms of it directing you. And in the beginning you can find yourself sitting still for some period of time before anything moves at all this way.

Also, coming from a place where we're continually strategising and formulating from the mind, to where you can comfortably flow from being takes a big transition. I would say a minimum of 1 year deprogramming, and that would only be so quick, because a person was completely committed to a process of "not-doing". I would rather say to allow a period of 18 months to 2 years. And that would still be pretty quick.

I completely recognise the state of this deprogramming as going "haywire", or else the feeling of being pulled in different directions. And when you put a flow in action, for it to apparently keep failing.

There still so much speculation out there and idealisation of what living from the soul really means. It is full on, in terms of it's contradiction to the matrix - if you're truly following it. The matrix, and people, will try to crystalise it and enslave it at every twist and turn. There has to be a lot of commitment and determination to confront and unravel in the face of this.

You've taken a great step and made a bold move. But that doesn't mean everything will now click effortlessly into place. It's the beginning. Work in progress. Now's the time to make it really count, really worthwhile, by focussing on every single step, every single moment. How are you being invited to be now? To hold in that space until a impetus of right action moves you.

And still there will be plenty of times where you slip into the programs again. Keep watching these, it's okay that they happen, but as soon as you can, catch yourself in them and work to unravel.

No worries. You're doing the right thing. Just work on patience and allowing.

I'd say the Africa retreat has come at exactly the right time!

Big hug your way - See you there

Open HeartPraying Emoji