October 4th, 2014 was the day of my awakening. I felt as if somebody or something had taken me by the back of my neck, "to teleport" me from a life into another. It is at this very moment that I felt and understood for the first time in my life that there is a POWER controlling and pushing me, sometimes “against my will”: my DIVINE SELF!
I collapsed so badly that, in spite of my efforts, I wasn't able to pull myself together. Waves of pain wrapped me every minute: pain, panic, fear, despair, to a point where I seriously became worried about my survival. I saw myself as a strong person up to here. I had a complicated life (doesn't everybody?), but I got up alone every time. This time, my strength had abandoned me! Nothing of my world remained standing. I had lost my partner, my friends, my passion for the antiques trade, all my money and my income stream. My body did not hold any more either.
I realized at this moment that life was bringing me back to point zero over and over again, like a timeless loop which I did not manage to escape, but that I was forced to break through at this point in time, or I would just disappear in my pain!
I returned, almost naturally, towards Astrology: I have always had, during my life, a sensibility to the Moon – couldn't sleep the nights with full moon. I wanted, in this complicated moment, to hang on to something. I very quickly developed a real passion for this discipline. Weeks later, in connection with my first steps, I received my very first synchronicity: famous October 4th, 2014 bears the name "the day of the astrology ". It is from this moment on that I really understood and accepted that the Universe had taken something away from me, but had given me something else in return. A little ray of happiness and hope was outlined and I hung on to it: I wanted to survive.
At this point, I had a very good feeling with a lady who gave astrology consultations. I believe she saved me the life (THANK YOU ANNIE). By “good feeling” I mean my intuition, my small internal flame which guided me towards her. I simply felt the desire to communicate with her. It is her who told me first about this quantum jump and about the urgency to work on myself, to learn the key techniques for emergency situations (EFT for the panic attacks), of the necessity of living in the present and about the love of Self. She knew how to reassure me and helped me to continue to look for a real means to get myself out of the abyss in which I had sunk.
I began with Michael Brown's book: TEA PRESENCE PROCESS which I devoured!
I knew from the beginning that my life was going to change for ever and for the best. Why? Because otherwise I was going to disappear. Die. My attention centered towards signs, synchronicity, moments when I could get the messages to bring me out of the timeless loop of despair. I also understood, that I was not going to GET OUT of something, but that there was a NEW PATH TO BE TAKEN, that I was not embarking towards a destination, but a lifetime journey, and that it was only up to me to make this journey meaningful. It became more and more clear that the society and education had tricked me into thinking that I have to run for “happiness”, to do whatever in order to “get there”. Right this moment, the question came: “arrive WHERE?” The only certainty for people like me back then was that it will all end up with death. So are we created to run towards death, carrying hurts and pains and troubles and diseases? Odd, no? While we are at the top of the pyramid of evolution, while we have a 1,5kg brain and we are able to create more than all other species… we work everyday, we eat, we copulate (pardon me) and die at the end as a result of misfortunes and sufferings? How is it possible that nature which is so perfect, would have missed at this point one of its most beautiful creations???? There must be another thing which we do not manage to apprehend.
I decided then to begin searching for this “meaning” by paying attention quite simply to what came to me by present moment awareness. By the means of a horoscope that I followed, I am informed that people from my past would contact me and that they could give me capital information. I have a childhood friend with whom I very seldom spoke who phoned me one of the following days! She told me she was HAPPY! She had given up insulin that had handicapped her life for the last 15 years and that she had an exquisite relationship with her companion, just by being present in the moment. This eliminated the last of my doubts and questions, the synchronicity convinced me that I was on the right path. FINALLY!
I started to read, to study everything that could help me, while guided by my intuition, a force which drew me so powerfully, almost as if hypnotized into diving in this new world that had opened to me by so much suffering.
Here is what I know, now:
• There is no reality. There are only reflections of our actions turning back to us in various forms: people, situations, feelings. ALL that we experience was created at a given point in time, so that we are brought here and now. Yes, we are where we’re supposed to be so that our “destiny” of choice materializes.
• We are part all of the divine spirit: omnipotent - omnipresent - omniscient - no matter the name you give him (God, Allah, Buddha, etc)
• What prevent us from apprehending our divinity are our definitions, our beliefs and our personality. One judges ALL by ones mental, ones emotions and ones cultural imprints. These translate into fears that push us and desires that carry us. OURS! Whereas we’re all part of a divine spirit which gave us the life to all, we keep rejecting each other, killing each other, stealing from one another - just look at the newspapers and see that we go straight into the wall, taking planet with us!!!!
How did we arrive there?????
For me the answer came naturally: we don’t listen to ourselves (Our SELF)!
1. The BODY - a splendid, perfect machine, able to keep us alive for a hundred years, gives us signs that we usually don’t listen to. The body speaks to us in various ways: “I want chocolate, but I will make diabetes if I eat too much of it”. Are you sure???? My opinion is that it’s not the sugar that will make you have the diabetes, but your own belief. The brain obeys information that you give it. It quite simply will act as you dictate it. So if for you sugar brings diabetes and that you continue to give it sugar while knowing (believing) you will have the diabetes, you will indeed have it! The body tells us very clearly when to stop. This small internal voice tells us the moment we put in our mouth the Xth chocolate square that we should stop. This X is personal and it comes from OUR BELIEFS! It is when one chooses not to listen to this small voice that the disease starts settling in! This refusal to listen to our body is strongly influenced by our emotional wounds. The more they shout inside us, the more we need to use something to conceal them! (sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, etc).
Here are other types of communications coming from the body: “I must go pee” (but I wait another 10 minutes), “the bra hurts me” (but I keep it on to look beautiful), “I am hungry” (but I do not want to get fat), “My eyes hurt” (but I continue to look at computer or TV screens), “I have a bad back pain” (but I continue to remain sited in an uncomfortable position), etc! This is how we let the exterior (our culture, beliefs, desires), to take control of our perfect body which, at a given time, crumbles!
2. The BRAIN – one of the most powerful computers. We spend our life making scenarios, (still according to our beliefs, our culture, our education) thinking we have the capacity to perceive and control all that surrounds us with our mental. We’re desperately trying to control external parameters, while saying to ourselves most of the time: “I don’t know, I cannot, it is impossible, this will not do, that will not hold”, etc! And all this led us where? Exactly where we concentrated our thoughts! Absolutely everything that we think becomes our reality. The horror it is that we are in a polarity which imprisons us: good/bad, positive/negative, good/bad, beautiful/ugly, whereas we are PERFECT!
Not only all these concepts are personal, but they carry us out towards an even larger polarity, transforming us into a kind of pendulum that never stops: we pass our life judging the world in comparison to ourselves. The solution is to be centered, to seek inside our SELF the right and stable balance, in a form of the small divine spark which separates us from death. Following acceptance of who we are, of the divine who is inside us, we can see that we all come from ONE-SELF. Once our interest moves inside, the work of integration can start. It is not positive thinking; the positive is nothing more than the opposite of the negative, it is just another definition learned by various experiments and individual perceptions. Knowing oneself is knowledge of what we need in order to evolve, not as an ego or as an entourage or status commands, but that of our spirit. An exercise that I often do to drive away the ego, is the following: whenever I stand before a decision, I wonder what would some member of an ancient tribe would make of my choice? What would they think about my decision?
If the money were not a factor in your life and if all was free, that would you make of your existence? Let’s say you’d like to travel everywhere in the world. Well, you need two things so that becomes your reality, TO WANT it with all your being, and TO KNOW that you can do it. For that, the only thing you have to do, is to get rid of the need to plan the future and to take the next step. The rest will follow naturally! One attracts what one thinks: the “good” as well as the “bad”. The “bad”, you’ve tried it out all your life and…. Where did it bring you??? Right here reading me! Try the “good”. I do have a small observation to make: the “bad” is what you feel like discomfort compared to what your intuition/spirit tells you more or less clearly. The “good”, is the things that animate you and make you vibrate with passion and joy!
At this point in time, I have replaced the myriad of destabilizing thoughts by affirmations which raise me to higher vibrations. I give love to my divine self by the means of highly vibratory affirmations.
Here are some of my daily affirmations:
• I am forever in agreement with my divine spirit
• I am forever harmony and internal peace
• I am forever radiant health
• I am forever splendid wealth
3. The EMOTIONS - I don’t yet know how and why I am here on Earth, but I’m continuously trying to form an opinion for myself, one that is stripped off the acquired definitions. What my spirit tells me, is that from our birth, we were trained, impregnated, educated so that we have certain characteristics which will enable us to walk towards our highest expression in this life. ALL WE’RE EXPERIENCING is designed so that this destiny, the one we chose before the incarnation, is fulfilled! ALL OF IT: The experiences, the people, the feelings, the choices, etc. It took me much time, and much energy to realize that I am WHERE I MUST BE! I’m still working to accept that we are not here to be “happy” and “to have it all quickly”. The perfection is in the spirit and the divinity. Here, it’s just a school where one learns, where errors are made, where one meets people and experiences which will help achieve a higher vibration. Misfortune and happiness are yet again, only definitions. In reality, there is only one truth: WE ARE! That is all! All that we learned in life in a way or another is nothing else but an opportunity of clearing our Self off super flu.
There are two types of emotions: those that we’d like to keep with us forever: joy, love, pleasure, and those that make us run and hide as fast as possible - we call them “negative”! The more one has a priori and beliefs, the less one will have “positive” emotions. We are here to make errors by reconstituting the puzzle of our life. Nature and natural gives us the bigger picture. The one we see on the top cover of this puzzle box that is our life, our gift. The more we concentrate on the details, on the little piece we are so stubbornly trying to place where and when we want, the less chances we have of following gracefully the flow of the bigger picture integrating us all.
What prevents us from accepting life such as it is?
• FEAR! For me it is one of our most faithful and older companions of life. Example: when a woman learns that she’s pregnant, at the same time as she lives her joy, her fear begins to blossom: “will the child be normal and in good health? Will all go well? Will she be able to gracefully assume this role? ” As soon as the baby’s born: “does she/he have 10 fingers? Is she/he well? ” Throughout our childhood, we are taught by the surrounding reactions what is the fear. “If you run, you will fall. Do not leave without your jacket, you will get a cold. If you don’t get an education, you will not have a job”, etc
Therefore the fear is our nightmare most difficult to make disappear. It is the first and most imprinted within us. My way of managing the fear is to let it run through me. To feel it deep inside of me, keeping in mind that this fear came to teach me something: where it is that my attachments lie and that I must learn to let go of it all. Once integrated, as by miracle, it disappears. It quite simply doesn't have any more power over me.
There is an alternative of acuter fear which is “the anguish”. I treat it with the EFT (emotional freedom technique) which does miracles.
Most important is not to forget that there is no destination, but an everyday voyage taken with compassion, love, self care, acceptance and joy.
• GUILT! It is again the close entourage who teaches us that. Whereas we came on Earth to create and express our divine individuality, we get “formatted” as of childhood by guilt. “You reversed food on the tablecloth! You broke the bicycle! You made me cry! You did not have high grades! ”, etc. We are “being bad, being guilty for everything that doesn't go according to outer – often conflicting plans. Once we learned what it is, we put more and more culpability on our backs, until we become devoured by guilt which prevents us from seeing clearly and from advancing. To leave this circle, I think continuously that I am where I should be; that I do/did what and how I judged suitable at that time; that this is a way and not a destination. All these things give me an exit point from the “mouse wheel” I’m sometimes spinning on!
I had SUCH a hard time letting go of my (false) beliefs that I have hurt such or such person, but finally I realized that I do not know and I do not have any means of controlling other people’s experiences in life! It is not in my attributes to understand what another person came to experiment in this life. And I finally understood that I appeared and have had an influence in this other person’s life, because they needed to experiment what “I did to him/her” for their evolution path. We are ALL ONE!
An exercise that could help is to choose a very high building and to go up on the first floor. Look outside! Write down what you see/feel/believe, and/or take a picture. Then, go up 5 floors and look again. You will see that there are many things that have changed! Go up 5 floors more … and take it all in again… and again. The higher we are to observe, the more we understand the harmony of things from a wider perception. It is a long and often arduous work, but that helps to get rid of several things: the belief that we know and control all the events and people, the “syndrome of the savior” where one can do everything to “fix” others whereas our own life is a disaster. That also helps to understand and accept death: ours or others.
• DESIRE! The desire of any thing which is external to us, brings with it the outcome of being disappointed. EVERYTHING happening to us should rather be taken in as a means to develop our spirituality, our humanity, our personal path in life. Even if we perceive what comes to us as “negative”, therefore contrary to our desires, we should understand and integrate it (the event, the person, the situation) as a power intended to point out where our development needs work. If not, we would not even perceive it in our reality. It is when one gracefully accepts anything as being good for them, that one is on the path of the light: happy in any circumstance, just because it arrives, just due to the fact that it EXISTS!
The desire, for me, makes it that all imperfect. Together with the fear and the culpability, it forms the illusion which is our daily nightmare, until the moment of the awakening, or our death!
What is the awakening in fact?
My impression now, after having lived it hardly 4 months ago:
There is a ray of light in life which is always at my side! It is this light that made me make decisions, take pathways, and finally made me understand that I lived in a kind of a mirage, shared by people of the same vibration as me. It is the feeling of turn in circles that awoke me! Thereafter, I finally understood that I am a spirit which borrowed a “vehicle” (my body) to materialize the divinity, and it is always this light which draws me towards the discovery of this part of divine which animates me. It is not research, but a need for removal of any superfluous (opinions, points of view, comparisons, polarities, etc). To be continued….