Guidance

 

I hv recently lost my 13 year old daughter in a drowning incident.  My
husband has bn holding me responsible for this as he had not accompanied us.
Our already strained relation has got worse.  I hv no one to fall back on.
Can't handle myself / my life.  I hv bn reading many spiritual writings which
seem to help me, but only momentarily.  Somehow I can't come to terms with my
devastated / traumatic life.  Yearning to realise my soul purpose, but can't.
  Also the fear of loneliness is disturbing me a lot.  Can you pls help me in
this regard.

 

Comments

Sangeeta,

Its lovely to 'see' you again within the safety and holding of this community. Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you through the ether.

Listening to the yearning to realise ones soul purpose is a great blessing. It's  a compass that guides us towards the greatest love, freedom and truth for us, others and the world around. And it so happens that often - if not always - it is activated because of GREAT challenges that we are facing - sometimes they feel 'dead ends'.

You say:

Somehow I can't come to terms with my devastated / traumatic life.  Yearning to realise my soul purpose, but can't. Also the fear of loneliness is disturbing me a lot.

I feel the pull to invite you to start asking questions, to inquire about what is it that Sangeeta cant come to terms with? What is it about Sangeeta's life that feels devastating and traumatic? Where does the fear of loneliness arise from and what is disturbing about it? What renders Sangeeta 'unable' to realise her Souls purpose?

I trust my invitation is offered within your set boundaries Sangeeta, if not feel free to share anything you feel comfortable with.

Much love enveloping your vibe.Heart

Aspasia

I feel a lot for your daughter, Sangeeta... but rest assured that death is just a transition and she is doing well.

I'd say the spiritual writings are helping you only momentarily because they simply shift the focus of the mind to things that remind us of how beautiful, enlightened and blessed life can be. There is nothing wrong about that, but you also have to sit alone in silence and integrate your experiences. Sitting in silence will do many benefits for you, like: make you realise your soul purpose, expand your consciousness, dettach you from the drama, lead you to aligned action and release all the emotions attached to the loss of your daughter/conflits with your husband. The questions put by Aspasia are very pertinent too and will make you feel more empowered – which is what this journey is all about.

Ultimately, your soul purpose is to integrate its freedom of beingness in the physical body, and you do that in the here and now, just being your most authentic self. So I advise you to start meditating (without any expectation), express any feelings that arise and look for actions that nourish that sense of rightness, expansiveness and liberation.

And I dare to say that very few spiritual circles will provide the truthful and loving guidance you will find here... after finding Openhand I left all of them behind.

Lots of love,
Eduardo

Hi Sangeeta.

Wow, my heart is with you - so much pain and loss. Know that this heart-space (forum) is being held open for you to express anything that needs expressing, to ears that will hear that expression without judgment.

I'd like to offer a few things here for you, as my own conscious dying service has taken me deep into explorations of bereavement and grief. Firstly, the process you go through now will happen in its own time and in its own way. Whatever comes up, it's really important not to judge yourself - whether it's numbness, anger, despair, or even peace - even joy. You may even experience all of these in one day.  So allow it all to come through you, and express. Know that any feelings that arise are transient and are there to assist you in your self-realisation.

Then, the question, what are you grieving for? Is it a person? Is it an energy? Is it how that person made you feel? Is it for how you were able to express around that person (for example, someone you were able to express unconditional love towards)? 

Once you've considered these questions, then focus on the feelings associated with the loss - perhaps love, perhaps responsibility, perhaps tenderness - whatever feelings they are, then look to reclaim them inside yourself (really, they've been inside you all the time).

A little about loneliness. It's something that I'm also coming to terms with at the moment.  You say that you fear loneliness - I would invite you to consider this - with all the people around you a the moment, do you feel truly connected to any of them? Is it possible to experience the depths of connection with someone as much as the connection with yourself? If not, then isn't there more potential for a feeling of deep connection by yourself?  I understand how scary it is, stepping into the unknown. It's an opportunity to reclaim what has been sought in the outside and internalise it inside of you.

If you want more assistance with all this then please feel free to send me a private message.

Much love and good wishes,

Richard

In reply to by Aspasia

Thanks for your response.  Sorry for the delay in getting back as I was busy performing my daughter's rituals on her 1sr death anniversary on 18th May.

To answer your questions, I m finding it difficult to figure out why my daughter was taken away at such a young age while she was my only purpose of living.  I m trying to bring myself out by saying to myself that she had a bad set of parents & good that she's gone - why shd she suffer just to be a moral support to me.(bad set of parents because we never got along & she had to witness our fights which was quite traumatic for her).

Also, I badly need a shoulder to cry on / moral support to help me go through my grief.

Since I hv nothing much to do, these thoughts of a bad marriage, losing my child, losing my parents at an early age are making my life more painful.

That is why the yearning of knowing my soul purpose so that I know what I m here for & do accordingly as per God's will - finish the same & then RIP soon.  

So I want guidance from you all evolved people out there to let me know how to deal with my current life scenario as from human angle I m feeling quite lost.

Regards & thanks

Sangeeta

In reply to by Eduardo

Thank you for your guidance.

I do try to meditate but the chatter in my mind does not allow me to calm & focus my mind.

I just keep visualising my daughter's accident which just happened right in front of my eyes.  I m in a state of shock.  

I want to desperately detach myself from this worldly drama & release all the emotions attached to the loss of my daughter / conflicts with my husband but "how" is my question.

Thanks & regards

Sangeeta

Thank you for your response.

As per your question, I miss my daughter as a person around me for whom I had to work, earn money, take care of her daily needs, help her in her education - all this kept me away from the pain of an abusive husband.  It was that my life revolved around her.  Now my life has come to a standstill that too with a great jerk / spin.  So not feeling grounded - feeling the spin.  Also, life has suddenly become blank - nothing worthwhile to do.

Reagrding loneliness - I mean one does have caring parents / husband to help  tide over your hard times.  They, of course, can't do much abt what has happened but their comforting presence helps one handle his/her grief.  They act as crutches for a crippled person to help him  walk - though with struggle - but still help him keep moving through the journey of life

I m in need of those crutches as I m not feeling strong enough rather feeling broken to go inside & find the help from within.

I may be wrong in my thought process, but this is what is gng on within me for which I need answers / guidance from this forum.

Thanks & regards

Sangeeta

 

Hey sangeetha,

My heart goes out to you. I just want to let you know that you are supported no matter how hard your situation seems. One of the magnificence of this web community that i found was that you can post anything here and it will be received without judgements. That alone does a great deal in your journey. The harder the situation seems the more you can self realize through it just by bringing presence into it. Your are never wrong to feel what you are feeling. And its certainly not your fault. As you know the answers certainly comes from within but sometimes we need a slight change in perspective to see more clearly which is very positive. You definitely don't have to detach yourself from anything because its awesomely ok to feel what you are feeling. It isn't easy ,i know. Is it not  better to feel and express whatever you are feeling but then accepting it to the point that you don't need to get rid of it ,fix it or heal it. Without resisting it ,you will cease to identify with it with time. When you cease resisting it it can pass unhindered through you and you will emerge shining through the other side. Is it effective to worsen it by resisting it or wishing it to go away? Wouldn't it be much effective to honor what you are feeling? Whilst meditating can be very positive i think its important not to 'meditate out' what you are feeling. Calmness ,relaxation and peace will arrive when you progressively bring acceptance to your feelings. Because these feelings whether it be loneliness,sadness or grief they needs to be heard ,you know,just like we would expect us to be heard and acknowledged. They were always there,its just that you specific situation has brought them to the surface for you to see there by providing you with a valuable opportunity to breakthrough and find light. I trust that you will find your way. 

Sending love Heart

Vimal

In reply to by Sangeeta

rHi Sangeeta,

First let me say that there's absolutely nothing wring with needed support or crutches as you put them. It can be invaluable to connect with others and extremely healing.  You can also consider this forum a kind of 'shoulder to cry on if you like' - a place where you can express anything. Whether you need to be angry or sad or however you feel. 

With regard to finding your souls purpose. You said that you don't understand why your daughter was taken away when your purpose was so invested in her. I don't have a specific answer for you.  However, I can reflect to you that everyone has their own Karma. It would have been your daughters Karma to die and yours to be in this position of loss. I'm not sure how you feel about this (I know the general view of Karma in Hindu countries differs slightly from the Openhand perspective) so if you have further questions then let me know. 

So your soul will find it's purpose in every moment.  It may not be a specific activity such as being of service to people - it will be more like the way in which you can self realise in what you're going through right now, and how you can best express who you are. So with all that you're going through here, this very challenging and overwhelming situation - what would you say is your souls purpose right now? 

I understand that feeling of blankness. It's a sign you've lost a major part of your identity. In your case, living life through your daughter. I would encourage you to go as deeply as you can into the feelings of loss, emptiness and of being lost. You asked how you can release these feelings - the only way is through.  Express them as deeply as you can and give yourself time. Though it's completely understandable how overwhelming these emotions must be right now - go easy on yourself. Go into the feelings but don't push yourself too hard. You'll need some time to adjust emotionally, mentally and spiritually to the new situation. 

If you can go into that feeling of blankness, of emptiness because of the void/hole that's been left by your daughter - it's a great opportunity to feel into the emptiness/void in which your soul resides. You can feel this emptiness because you've lost a major part of your identity.  This was a role and therefore a box that you've slotted into. But, the soul is beyond roles so in order to be your soul and fulfil its purpose you need to step beyond roles and identities anyway. But of course the reason you identified with this mother role is because you were expressing aspects of yourself. So the question that I asked about what you were grieving over points to this. In your answer you essentially said that you were expressing your nurturing energy, protective energy, providing for and teaching/educating. So, now the question is, how can you reclaim those expressions?  No-one is going to replace your daughter, but you can reclaim yourself. 

Perhaps focussing on the energies of nurturing, supporting/providing for, and development, and asking yourself how you can do those things for yourself now? By doing this you get to express those aspects of yourself without getting attached to an outer identity. By the way I understand how hard it is especially when you're in an abusive relationship where perhaps you've been put down so you no longer believe in yourself, so please do let us know how you get on and ask any questions you feel to. 

If your thoughts are going round and round and it's too much then let me know and we can work on that too. But, I don't want to overload you too much. 

Let me know your thought/feelings and how you get on.

Richard

 

 

Dearest Sangeeta,

I feel for you deeply. I also lost a child, under traumatic circumstances, although mine was still unborn. Yet the pain of the loss was of unparalleled magnitude, as a strong bond had already been established between me and the child I was carrying. It is also quite a profound and complex experience to get your head and heart around, to feel the springing of life, as well as the death of another human being inside your own body. 

It was, however, this very experience that opened my senses to the multidimensional world. As I sat with my son’s beautiful little body, intensely grieving, I could feel with my whole being that he wasn’t gone. I had never felt a presence that strongly. It was unmistakable. I knew him and he was right there with me. His presence stayed with me for the following weeks to come until I eventually began to hear him speaking to me. There was a brief moment I thought I was going crazy due to the grief, but once I accepted that this was actually happening, a new world opened up to me.

I felt to share this with you because one of the most painful aspects of a loss like this, is just that - the sense of ‘loss’. The feeling of a bond or connection being brutally severed without preparation or warning. The feeling of something or someone being lost forever, leaving one alone and abandoned, without even knowing why. In my case, no medical reason was ever found for my baby’s sudden death. It was a black hole mystery until the spiritual reasons began to unfold.

I know my experience is unusual, and not at all how it works for most people, but what I’m hoping is it may offer you some comfort in believing that your daughter is still with you. She is not gone. You are not separated in spirit. And I believe with all my heart, that you can still access your connection to her, because that connection is there inside you, always, even if you can’t hear her or feel her presence in the way I did. It’s something you can never lose.

You say meditation is difficult at this time, and I can understand that. May I suggest going to a place or a spot, preferably a quiet place in nature, where you and your daughter shared something special together. A place where you can feel or remember her spirit. (Do you have such a place?) Once there, just sit (or walk) quietly with yourself, and listen. Listen outwardly, listen inwardly, and just observe what comes up. Be it a feeling, a memory, or even an incessant thought, just listen to it without judgment. It will be trying to tell you something. If strong feelings emerge in relation to your daughter and the loss of her, then allow yourself to fully embrace them. (If you can where you are at. Otherwise wait until you’re in a comfortable place) Don’t hold anything back. It is in that complete abandon or surrender to these feelings that you can access the depth of your connection to her. That which is eternal and boundless. Your Love. 

I hope my sharing may have offered you a helpful perspective, as I’m quite sure your sweetheart is longing to connect with you as well and let you know she’s okay.

With love and blessings  ❤️

Anastasia

Ps. If my post raises questions for you, feel free to ask. Anything I can do to help, in this most trying time.

 

 

 

I acknowledge that I may have expressed myself poorly... "detachment" is not a suitable word because the only way to self realise is by being completely present in whatever arises in your landscape, including bad emotions.

Richard put it very well. We tend to think our soul purpose is a fixed thing because we generally see ourselves doing things that lead us to an outcome, but that's not always the case. The more you follow actions that feel right and the more you bring your best expression in every moment, the more you will know what to do.

I just want to add my experience of nurturing, supporting and educating. Recently, I found a passion for houseplants. I didn't know why, I just knew I had to buy many of them and I actually did. Then, I unveiled a lost unrealised expression of mine, which is nursering and taking care of living things. The plants acted as mirrors for this expression. It could be animals, children, elders, anything - but in this moment of my life it happened to be plants.

I'm just giving you an example. I'm not saying it will happen exactly the same with you and this kind of expression. I'm just saying there is always something new we can learn about ourselves. You know, I could live without plants at all, but I chose to honor this pull and this is reflecting in my relationships with myself and other people. So I encourage you to honor whatever you feel right to do. Maybe you have a long lost dream? Something you've always wanted to do, but didn't have the time because you were taking care of your daughter?

HeartHeartHeart
Eduardo

 

Sangeeta,

I strongly recommend that you read this article:
https://www.openhandweb.org/How_to_break_out_of_a_Spiritual_Rut_by_Find…

You say you're feeling lost. What subjects are you curious about? What moves you? What are your passions? Be aware that it can be something you like just a little, because you haven't dived into it yet!

This article might help you also:
https://www.openhandweb.org/Discovering_the_Purpose_of_Your_Incarnation

Eduardo

Hi Sangeeta,

Without too many "spiritual words", as I get very down to earth and simple when speaking about this, I also lost an unborn child, and relate a lot to what Anastasia wrote about her experience. This was one of the most intense moments in my "traumatic life" full of pretty intense stuff. I feel for you very much. There is little that can be said or done when things like this happen. Not much can make it easy or less painful and scary.

In my experience it is like dying and being reborn again into a new life, a different life. It is carried within as a change that it caused, forcing to find new ways to live and cope, and, if you choose to, grow through this in a positive direction. It seems that each person finds a unique way to move with this. And I say "with this" unlike the usual "through this" for a reason. Grief is a process and it can take years and even decades, and it usually changes people, irreversibly. In other words, it stays, because people are never the same again.

The common thing that I hear from people and was also true for me (still is) is gradually finding new ways, new outlook on life, new life, out of this chaos that trauma brings. Friends (true, deep friendships) help a lot. Simple little things... Some kind of nurturing routine too, taking care of yourself, soothing, healing... It is not a very good time for confrontations and absorbing negative things from the outside. So there is a big lesson of self-nurturing, self-compassion, and sometimes forgiveness (to myself, people involved, God, to whoever and whatever I felt to blame) and cutting off anything that throws out of balance ( a good skill that sticks).

There is this guilt that eats and colours everything in black, there might be a need to punish ourselves for what happened, there are many ways to do it, and it is our job to remind ourselves that life is good, that we deserve living and being taken care of by ourselves, that there is life beyond what we are going through, a bigger picture, one that maybe we don't understand, and for me, I made sure every day to connect with "God". No matter what I felt. I prayed a lot. I worked to believe, to really develop this faith within myself, that there a higher cause and reason and an opportunity. This fight, it develops something within. Finding light within this darkness, both within yourself and in the world around, is very, very hard, but this is what makes the whole difference.

I know that right now it doesn't look like that at all, but over time you will see that many gifts are coming, you will change as a human being. It is also an invitation for the heart and soul to sink into the darkness, rest and bleed there, get purified by all this, and after that, somehow, when the time comes, it shines more than ever.

Also this quote from True Detective, that I've watched just a couple of months before my "tragedy", just was popping up in my mind and helped me:  

"a thing that splits your life — there's a before, and after. Painful events like that show you what was on the inside, and inside of you. It's pure gold. I know that. Your father knew that too. Pure, solid gold is what you got."

About aloneness. Some things we have to move through on our own. Nobody can feel our feelings for us, and we are alone in this. In grief, we just have to FEEL it all, all the circles, again and again, until the knot unravels. It is not a bad thing. It is the best thing to learn to love ourselves really as well. At the same time, you're not alone. Open up for that and I am sure you will see that there is a lot of support. Life never really leaves us on our own, even if we feel like that, and we tend to feel like that in our "victim state", when really tough things knock us out. But if you really sink into that feeling, at the bottom, you will feel it, that we are never alone.

 

Hello,

Loss is loss. It is the absence of have. Not that that within itself helps anything at all other than the fact of it is what it is. It honestly to me is everything, yet absolutely nothing at all. I've been through a lot of loss in my life and that as well as a few songs have helped me through times such as that.

 

I had to learn and relearn, then learn again how to just be ok with myself, with it all. I didn't so much study the elements of earth as much as I felt deeply into them so as to just come back from the mindless numb it all. I never have lost a child, but I did lose the body part. That part of me which created life fell away from my being and I was so young when it happened. Fortunately I already had children, yet it made me that much more ferocious in their well being and safety.

 

So this is what I pray for you, be ferocious and free in your well being and safety. Be loving, be kind gentle and harmonious within you. It wont take the loss away, or the sudden wave of grief that tends to happen now and then but you will be ok each and every time it happens if you allow yourself to just be ok.

 

A recent song that helps me is Painting Greys by Emmit Fenn

 

wishing you well

Wyndè