Non-judgemental Discernment

Non-judgemental discernment is the thread that seems to be being pulled right now. Distinguishing what is real authentic soul impulse and what is ego based controls, manipulation, avoidance etc. I have a dear friend that serves to constantly be an uncomfortable mirror and this relationship has served to peel back many layers. I am grateful for this, however after the walking the path course, I started to notice more and more this huge upswell, a shouting NOOOOO from deep within and the feeling of pushing back the "clothes" I have borrowed from her that don't fit me - that I have been walking around in b/c I have trusted her perspective blindly. I witness the urge to figure out what is "right or wrong" as the way in which we are walking the path appears to have shades of differences and I feel this perspective of determining right and wrong IS at the level of the ego. I notice that I have been rejecting and pushing back, feeling very confrontational and not so quick to accept it all. Feeling for the truth and the distortion here...feel a deep desire to see with my own eyes, to develop my own sense and to sing my own song...this feels real, though there is the question presenting itself to me "are you rejecting the reflection that she is showing you? are you listening to a real soul impulse?" It seems the truth here would be to allow the mirror of course, listen to another's perspective on where I may be fooling myself etc - don't blindly accept or push it away either, but digest it, know it is all here for me to let go of something I do not need - integrate it with deep questioning and let go of what doesn't seem to fit. No need to shoot the messenger or the message.

In addition, I am experiencing difficulty discerning what is my own feeling and what is me feeling what she is feeling? It is hard for me to tell whether I am feeling my own resistance or whether I am absorbing something she is feeling. I feel this sense of disintegration that I don't feel when I am not with her- I am reticent to feel this is only hers and perhaps the truth is that I would only feel it if I was resonating with it on some level. Perhaps our interaction only makes me aware of what I am feeling...amplifies it.

Open to anyone's perspective on this! =) Thanks! Jenny

Comments

Been sitting with this all today and going deeper into the feeling beneath the resistance. There is some fear around the idea of disintegrating, of disappearing or of somehow being displaced and replaced. I am reminded that what is real can not be destroyed. The feeling of manipulation and infiltration that came up in the Removing Entities meditation is present in this relationship - or I should say - it is stimulating that feeling - though I do not feel the relationship itself is manipulative. I observe that there is fear in really relaxing/letting down my guard in that relationship...there is cautioning and creating a feeling of needing to pull back into the center - there is that fear that I could vacate somehow and that it would not be a real release but a trapped one. I have the feeling that I will disappear and she will be in my place. The idea of "is it safe to let go" arises - why is that there? If identity was truly released and the soul fully embodied how could there be space for this "thing" I am protecting myself from? I feel like I am just processing out loud here and I feel to write it all here probably out of a need for reassurance that I am not lost completely...It does seem that this is not happening now, but is just being replayed - perhaps a call to keep checking in with the level of honesty in that relationship and learning to speak up when I feel the urge to hide. I can say that idea makes me quite nauseous!! haha! =) this isn't an issue with most people/situations...but there seems to be this tightness and heartpounding anxiety when it comes to people I perceive are an authority on something. hmmm...all this talk...when it comes down to it - how will I be in the moment? Every moment a choice! Lastly, the feeling of dependency has been up for me too - and I can see how that is playing out in that relationship - dependency on someone else's truth and maybe developing here as well?? Keep watching the motivations for sharing...

Hi Jenny,

It's a profound sharing indeed. You really are exploring deep through the inner layers, the veils that deceive. Good on you! *OK*

It would seem you've created an identity that's provided and mutually supported by your friend. Obviously there's some degree of truth in the mirror or else it wouldn't be so compelling. Yet as you've rightly recognised, it means there's a devolution of inner sovereignty - you've given up your power in the past. The dependency speaks very strongly of the situation the 'grey' Orions have found themselves in. They've been disconnected from the source of home - the void of infinite potential - and completeness found in the mutual dependency with another. For them, it has even become a 'hive' mentality - you see it all around, it's prevalent in society. It's why marketeers no longer sell commodities but lifestyles. Generally homo sapiens so desperately wants to belong and trusts not in its own self determination.

And the question of discernment? It's vital - to hold the question "what is my ego and what is my sou?" permanently open. It is this question that will penetrate the 'grey' areas. Yes it's good to have a mirror, but certainly in the early stages of embodiment and emergence of the soul, it's vitally important to have your own space too. You see this is a perfect example of how Opposing Consciousness works: in comes in on a thread of empathy, it gives you a taster of yourself, so much that you accept it. But then it becomes blind acceptance and other energies come in that aren't you. Suddenly your inner landscape is filled with falseness that is yet so prevalent it feels like it must be real.

So I'd say more distance is necessary. Not completely, but definitely an openness to allow in other, more accurate mirrors of your true vibration. See where you've been lost yes, but now is the time to truly find you, to bathe in the energy of you. So I'd say don't discard the mirror necessarily, but be more discerning about the energy that seeps in from this mirror and look for new ones too.

Much love and support

Open

I really resonate with what you are saying above....Knowing my tendency to pull back and protect myself, I embraced this relationship as painful as it was at times because it felt right - it took me right into my tightness and drew me out and taught me how to be open and vulnerable - to not resist the mirror - to embrace it - but now it feels like some part of this relationship is complete - that it is like filling an already full cup and the overflow is just making a mess. Now the enmeshment and dependency that I allowed along the way - that slipped in with the openness and vulnerability is becoming apparent and sticking out like a sore thumb. Your comment about the hive mentality struck a chord with me and has shown it's face in this relationshpi for sure - in the idea of negation of the relative - emphasis on oneness. There is the sense of a transition - developing trust in the innersense, trust that I am enough and peeling away the dependency - really lightening up that relationship - peeling away the need, yet still able to relate. I am feeling out how to approach this - as I have expressed my feel to pull away for a bit...and will see how best to proceed! I can see too that as things shift inside and there is space for it, a new mirror may present itself. Just being here in this community is one example! Thank you so much Open! I am so grateful for the support- it's a real light!!!

You're most welcome Jenny - I'm always happy to support someone honestly walking down the path.

Open *OK*

OK - I deleted some of my ruminations as they feel unnecessary here...

Having space from the above mentioned relationship has been uplifting and quite freeing - but I am seeing that there is truly resistance to going back into the fire of this relationship. At times I can convince myself that it is unhealthy and really I am done with it completely, but it seems the truth is more that I have made it unhealthy with what I have brought to the table and I feel like I am running from myself. I see there is some fear about getting caught up again and not speaking/living my own truth...it's a real tight rope walk! Being mindful to not abandon myself - and miss what is there to be realized. If I am able to be in the relationship and let go of the need to hold onto it...saying what arises even if it creates conflict etc...checking in with what really wants to be expressed in this relationship and paying attention to my own real need for time alone.

I have been journaling quite a bit and being with the feelings...meditating and feeling the tightness -yesterday a sound released during the intense feeling... the sounds and feeling that came out were ones of anger, anguish, pain, nausea..It felt like I was excavating a deep old pain...it really stimulated a deep tight feeling in my belly, throat and jaw. Afterwards there was just tears and some soothing sounds. I am not totally sure how to proceed in the above scenario but much is being stimulated exactly as it sits so I am holding the space open...seeing what comes and doing my best to trust and not get too lost in analyzing (though I realize I have already done quite a bit of that).

With this transition, I have also noticed that the intimacy I have been avoiding in my marriage has been displaced onto this friendship for the last 2 years...over the last month I have had some opening realizations land about that. There is still something with regard to intimacy in the marriage that I am running from - a big wall that comes up that I feel to move toward but then back down - I feel the sense of frustration building around this. I notice how I have split myself in two...watching my dreams/fantasy/daydreams...I see how there is another expression that wants to come through and it is approaching me in the shadows of my dreams...up until now I have been the witness to the aspect that feels like it's someone else...but I am seeing it is an aspect of me asking to be lived...I am starting to bring it in closer although it brings up a lot of resistance...I am feeling like I need someone to work this out with...some kind of therapist or something. If there is an Openhand Facilitator that could help me with this - I would love the referral and any other guidance here! Thank you! Jenny

Hi Jenny, I'll contact you privately about taking it forwards from here.

Open

Two years ago my husband put this tall border around our children's playset becuase I had asked for some kind of border. From the getgo I just couldn't stand it -it was taller than I expected and but he'd worked hard on it and so I didn't say anything - knowing I asked him for this in the first place. Every time I looked at it, I felt my own containment and it really ate at me!! I did my best to ride it out until a period of time when I felt comfortable asking him to remove this barrier. So, just in the last couple weeks I told him how I felt and if we could remove and repurpose this wood in some way and he did so without any resistance at all. Looking out there now, I feel more open, more possibility and encouraged to walk through the tension I have felt around intimacy

As I look at what I have been feeling - the barrier between us on an emotional/spiritual level - playing out also on a physical level...I see so many reflections and feel like the first step is really sharing with him how I feel this barrier - how I feel this wall inside of me and the deep urge I have to move through it but how there is fear as well - and I am still peicing together the why. We have spoken in the past about it but it scares him a bit, it seems and makes him uncomfortable - unsure how to be with the information so I have stopped talking about it with him because it makes me uncomfortable too - I feel sad that I can't just be "normal" for him - rather than carrying baggage that plays out like I was abused but have no recollection of that in my lifetime (though have touched on this from other lifetimes). Regardless of our resistance to facing it, I have to communicate and reach out for some understanding and support...and in the middle of the fear and tightness - have space to soften, to breathe, slow down and center. Even if he is not touching the same place deeper within himself, I have to allow myself to open to that place within me and maybe this time it will be different...maybe I will ask the wall to be removed and it will just tumble right down like the one in my yard!! =)

Unfolding slowly...

Went for a run...more landing...In my first intimate relationship back in my teens there was a deep loss of self...betrayal of self...to meet what I thought were needs...this replayed out recently in an emotionally/spiritually intimate friendship. Now there is still a fear around intimacy and loss of self...disappearing. Aha!

The man I am married to has been in my life for 22 years and we have been married for 13 of those...he has always given me space to be me - however that shows up and has taught me to give space and allowance to him as well. Nothing in him encourages me to give myself away and I never have in this relationship...there has been so much freedom here and that is a huge gift and I am in awe that my way of being would even attract that...except he also allows me to hide. I see that I haven't lost myself in this relationship but I haven't fully shared either and have learned to disocciate with regard to intimacy.

Something I wrote above stood out to me "I had asked for some kind of border. From the getgo I just couldn't stand it -it was taller than I expected"...on some level, I asked him to build a wall or perhaps more accurately, I built the wall inside of me and asked him to aceept it. It seems the message is that he will gladly meet me in the tearing down...but it's me who really has take it down inside myself. The hard part feels yet to come to stay present...not hide or disocciate or run away...I am more than ready!

Ahh! So last night there was a space that opened to discuss what's been on my heart and instead the sabotuer stepped in and picked a fight!! Watching this unfold was illuminating...another way of maintaining distance. He noticed that I was coming in sideways and attacking him and asked is there something else I was really wanting to talk about? What a gift!!! We were able to shake that off before it went too far and have a great talk while making dinner. More awareness drawn to where I am critical or picking apart...projecting and creating a barrier. Also looking at the particular criticisms and how it is my own inner critic...more to explore there...feelings about love being expressed but not returned...not accepting the nurturance I offer via the food I make etc...why do I care if he doesn't eat what I make? Why is this so tied up with acceptance of love? Perhaps the frustration I have experienced to giving and receiving love has been displaced onto food?? As a safer way to recieve nurturance both for myself and to offer it to others. I do realize that love comes from within and have experienced the truth of that yet keep finding all the ways that I have try to satisfy it outside...feels like I am getting lost here...perhaps it will unfold through the day =)

I have been using my imagination to visualize the circumstances that really bring up resistance and to watch the feelings that arise and work with them as they come up to help make a new path. Holding the vibration of openness as I contemplate...visually seeing a clear open field.

Hi Jenny - awesome exploration and unraveling - feels like its accelerating *OK*

This jumped out...

    "Why do I care if he doesn't eat what I make? Why is this so tied up with acceptance of love?

There's two important issues in this. Firstly, yes, in authenticity we do things from the heart, because it feels right, not to get a particular response.

However, love and energy build strongly when there's what's called 'a feedback loop' (I wrote about it here...The Spiritual Feedback Loop).

Basically if the energy is reciprocated - by the universe - in some way, then enormously flowing and creative energy builds.

The caveat is by the universe. So try this instead: give from the heart without need of a response from that particular person. But then instead of being downhearted if they don't positively respond, direct your attention elsewhere and watch for the synchronicity that gives the feedback in some other way - the appreciation.

It could be for example you have to go inwards and maybe a vision will come like the sun for example. Or maybe right at that point, you look out the window and hear a bird chirping. If you give it a chance, the universe will always speak to you in this way.

Open
PS - I'm waiting on a response to refer a coaching engagement

ok, I get this and that clears up some of the confusion...it makes sense that the full circuit would be there when it is a true heart felt expression (and not needs based) and that it is not necessarily unreceived - just that I can tune in more fully. Obviously much more for me to explore with the root of this displacement - digging in...

Thank you for the follow up on the referral. I am really feeling to express and feel through so much. Writing about it is so helpful but also sort of objectifies the feelings. Whereas as soon as I embrace the space to voice out loud what is in the moment for me, the authentic experience of the feeling is turned up a 1000 fold. There are so many waves of deep sadness today...pulsing upward - I will be with that and perhaps express outloud in a conversation to my self.

Wanted to add...while I was reading that article I got the image of cosmic composer and dancer - beautiful sharing =).
Thank you, Jenny

Seeing that these topics are boiling down to a feeling of rejection and trying to please another- more of the same!...The questions popped in "Can I reject my self? Who has the experience of rejection? What do I really need? Why do I really need to please someone else??" Perhaps the false self running around trying to get what it thinks it needs from the outside can reject the true self...can hide and run from it and then, by how I am being external circumstances are created that stir up the feeling of rejection that is actually occurring within...living and being outside of authentic expression. hmmm....

Just cracked a book at page 33 and it reads "When you do not seek or need external approval, you are at your most powerful. You cannot live for prolonged periods of time withing the polarity of being true to yourself and needing the approval of others"

Hope you don't mind me chipping in on your wonderful exploration Jenny...?

Only I saw your thread a few days ago and felt a connection to your journey and an affinity with where it seemed to be going. I too have had a similar unravelling of how and why I related with others, it was a little while ago... and something clicked around 'expectation' for me. I'm trying to recall the process or at least the thread that led to the process...but in truth I think it was mainly a great deal of space, followed by a very honest step into my true 'motives', around intimacy and a need for approval or to feel loved.

So the key aspects for me were Expect & Motive. Once I revealed there true nature they seem to lose their power, almost as though when exposed they stepped out from their cloak of invisibility and the game was over.

I still occasionally expect or invest in a motive, however sutble, but it's not too often and as the observer I'm able to smile and come more authentically from where Self Love resides.

With Love

Jaq

Thank you Jaq for your heart felt empathy for the unravelling experience. =) It actually feels like an echo...like I am calling into the canyon and then your kind response - so thank you for sharing.

Yes, I feel that with each action I am being invited now to ask within "what do I think I need here?" and to keep asking that! Not just when I feel tight but in every action - constantly releasing the perceived needs - seeing the root of them and feeling for the authentic expression in every moment...releasing the need to manipulate or to have any attachment to the outcome.

It is quite heart warming to know I am not alone in this - and to hear that shining the light on these up to now hidden motives was so transformative for you! Thank you for the inspiration!

Love, Jenny

Feel like I am housing an insatiable drug user inside of me! I have been eating a 100% raw diet for the last 3 weeks and no matter what I cut out, I seem to find comfort in whatever is left...so no more wine, or chips or even silly hummus, ok now I just cling to fruit and hot tea. Beginning to wonder where it ends...I even find a growing attachment to the emptiness. With relationships...it is constant...the mind running circles to figure out what that person would want to hear or how I should be to harmonize with that person or situation...the molding and melding that the false self wishes to engage in. Then there is the time alone and the attachment to that...turns into constant escape. I observe a pull in a particular direction and then I am snagged onto a fixed position. Becoming clear that these attachments are blocking the flow...clearly I have read this a thousand times - but experiencing it and really seeing how much the false self wants to attach to ANYTHING just to feel some control some solidity.

See I am being invited to go deeper - to keep letting go when there is an urge to become fixed and keep feeling for what wants to come forward.

This is just absolutely awesome Jenny - it will seem strange to anyone whose not actually truly confronted their false self in this way - most haven't.

So keep on going, keep on unraveling. At some point when, the false self will literally shatter completely and the truth of who you really are will emerge like a glorious Phoenix from the Ashes.

Keep on going!

Open *OK*

Thank you Open and Trinity. Your hearfelt encouragement is felt very deeply. =)

Much love,
Jenny

Attachement...working with this feeling, this inner drive to hold onto another person...to keep them. Watching how authentic expression is shut down and I freeze myself into what I perceive the other would like me to be. This feeling is very hungry and reminds me of the caterpillars I have had in my garden...chomping away not realizing how this desire to possess alters what was more freely growing and expressing before the consumption began. Do I really know how to love at all or just how to possess? It feels that love is what arises naturally when we have no need to hold onto or change or run from anything. Love is there and then the desire to control the experience, to hold it in place, covers it up - layers fear on top of it.

As I sit with this feeling more and more, I am aware of this thought of incompleteness inside - that I am not ok, that I am not enough and I must become something or have something to have value. I feel such fear around standing there naked and vulnerable...open to the possibility that this belief of unworthiness will be confirmed if I really set it all down. I see I am running from the feeling of rejection...when truly this is the place of feeling the truth...going in and through the feeling to know my own wholeness as a lived experience...deeper than just this mental reminder that is like a used up comfort item.

When I trace the feeling of incompleteness and unworthiness deeper there is the thread that goes right back to the center - to the place where nothing is needed...I feel whole inside and yet in the midst of the moment when the fear is at its height, the veil comes up and I shut down inside...playing out the same patterns...feeling unable to move or speak from a place of authenticity.

So grateful for Openhand and for the facilitator I am working with...it is such an amazing process...allowing these feelings to really come up and an invitation to step through the fear in the moment...in my heart I know I will keep moving toward this discomfort and walk right through the other side!

Thanks for the space to share this!!

Much love to this community as a whole =)!

xxx
Jenny