I am feeling like a throw away right now. I just feel awful. All my life I have surrounded myself with a big groups of friends that helped me feel part of something, that helped me forget the feeling that I was someone who was very easy to forget about or write off. I now find myself losing this group and I feel like I have been exiled in a way and it brings up memories of my father leaving when I was a child... Definitely related feeling... All stirring up a karmic blockage, I suppose.
Recently it has become clear to me that I no longer "fit in" with my old friends, which affects my whole family as it's all family friends.. It's been something that has been sliding away for years but over the last couple I just stopped doing and saying things to hold it together and only engaged in what felt fulfilling to me... And slowly but surely I am on the fringe =). I feel quite invisible there - even though I don't have any desire to be the person that use to fit in there, I just feel the empty space inside that it use to fill. It's the sense of being all alone- of feeling like my family doesn't belong to a tribe that calls us theirs anymore. I know this is where I need to be... To realize that I don't need a huge group of people to call me their friend to know i am loved, to feel love inside. I know I can be open to this change and allow it to fall away, to not need it anymore to feel whole and perhaps then a new tribe will show itself...My heart is just aching and I just wanted to reach out here...I feel the questions arising...am I this? Someone who can be left behind? Am I lacking some essential quality? Who am I in this? Where is the love? I am opening to what the universe will show me and feeling inside for the truth of my being. Thank you openhand for being a friend when I need one to talk to. <3<3<3 jen