Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).

Add new comment

Comments

 

Hi Open, Rich and Erica,

Thanks so much for your replies. I can say from reading your responses, It feels like validation of being very much on the right track. A lot of circumstances the last few years have helped me to bring more of the subconscious behaviors/patterns to light and own my part in the co-creation...but yes, seeing is only part of the equation! 

I find all of your pointers really essential Open and Rich - thank you! It speaks straight to the situation and the work that is invited now. For now, it is very slow, together infrequently and yes, keeping attention on what is happening energetically, where do I want to project the masculine energy - especially that of drive, motivation, and direction onto him? Where do I seek protection and security in the relationship? Where do I lose myself through projection, expectation, over compromising?  It's been very key to keep attention on my own driver/engine and vehicle if that makes sense! There is a lot of energy to be broken down on the victim piece...In particular when I feel unsupported and there is an infusion of very uncomfortable energy, that part of me wants to remedy through emotional manipulation...I am working on that a great deal in all relating experiences...not just this one.  It feels like at this point it is very clear to me that, any healthy relating is predicated on a healthy attention on my own energy...consistently...and turning toward whatever arises...otherwise, we are just shadow boxing with all the characters in life.  I would like to think it's possible to fully enjoy the gifts of the masculine/feminine dance externalized - and dance in the beauty of sharing without owning, controlling or projecting...and it's through the relating that we can unravel these things!

Open - I really appreciate you highlighting the energetics underpinning these things...I can completely relate with the energy you describe - it feels very accurate. Greatly appreciative for your reflections.

Rich and Erica, you both reflected or helped me inquire a bit deeper about the existential dread. The feeling is something that's been with me since childhood. It's the feeling of utter emptiness that I try to fill through the relationship, through friendships, through making plans. And perhaps it's worsened by intimate relationship because there is a greater awareness that it can not be resolved there. I have not at all gotten to that place in this experience...energetically it feels very healthy...but it could certainly go there without consciousness. Yeah, meeting this energy of being in the bottom of a pit ...which I could call seeming aloneness...the apparent isolation and lack of support......I imagine that alone can have powerful implications for healing expectations or loss of self. 

Thank you my friends - I am so grateful for your wisdom and shared experiences! Praying Emoji  And Rich - will be checking out your material and if this starts to wrap me up, I'll reach out!! Wink Emoji Loved what you said about authentic boundaries versus avoidance techniques and the importance of healthy honest communication and ownership of ones own distortions. 

Much love - Jen

 

Hello all! I felt inspired to explore some things following a post about the Victim/Oppressor dynamic in relationships. 

This dynamic came to my attention years ago, but I felt quite unable to unwind it within the relationship I was in.  When I was not in the company of my partner, I would feel fine, resilient, capable to meet life's challenges (for the most part) and then as soon as we were together, an energy would activate and I would become insatiably dissatisfied. This energy latched onto finding satisfaction through pulling in sympathy from my partner. This required that I express great difficulty and dissatisfaction with my life and an incapacity to handle life in general. I would become exceedingly overwhelmed with life and subtly and more overtly pull on the threads of his attention to complete the loop. This wasn't just mental, it felt like a complete takeover of my energy and I couldn't seem to break the cycle. There was also a disconnection from my own direction and motivation when I was in his company as the desire to merge and dissolve myself was also seemingly insatiable! His part in this was to buy into the idea that I was incapable and to rescue me...and then when the energy would still come at him and blame him for not being present, not being supportive...he would get angry and disconnect...stirring the core wound of abandonment and not being supported. There was also an intense need to be supported in emotional challenges - the biggest of which was to sit with the sense of emptiness and aloneness- a pit like feeling that would arise...the mind and emotions would wrap around this and wreak havoc on interpersonal relationships and the general sense of well being. I felt this sense of "I can't do it on my own!" and a panic that came with that.  Looking back I can see the roles we played in this dynamic, the wounding on this life level and perhaps grey energy coming in on the loss of self, seeking acceptance and fatherly guidance/support.

Fast forward three years =) and having spent a great deal of time out of intimate relationship and on my own, there is a sense of much greater embodied strength, focus, self-love, acceptance, and feeling capable to meet life..to be in life and to allow the experiences that come up without getting overly wrapped up in the mental and emotional layers...yet letting them reveal themselves. HOWEVER, now that I find myself in relationship...this is all coming to the front again...it's very delicate..It feels like life is being quite gentle with me here...we are aware of the dynamic and being attentive to our own boundaries. It's quickly slippery though ...I can feel the direction and focus and motivation wants to get projected out again...so being very slow in this experience and keeping a close eye on the sense of who I am ...how I feel and what is lighting up, inspired now. Also, the existential dread is courting me lately...and I am seeing all the ways I have blamed, projected, stuffed, denied, distracted to avoid just going all the way into this feeling...embodying it completely and being at home in that experience...which is simply a vibration that I have not been ok with. 

Alright ya'll ...long sharing...but Ive seen some posts on these topics lately and Im sure some of us can relate to these experiences....always feels good to share and process in writing here. <3 

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen - thanks so much for sharing. This is invaluable and I encourage all to read, especially for people either in relationship or coming into it.

I have had direct experience of this dynamic too - "oppressor/victim" - and bear witness to how hard it can especially be be to break it down the victim mentality. And there are plenty of variations of the dynamic - where the "oppressor" is over compassionate for example and indavertantly limiting the other that way. Rest assured, we can break the cycles, but some of the complex dynamics require a lot of dedication and persistance over a long period of time, both in an out of relationship.

What I feel is being described here is a distortion of the Magdalen energy. In it's aligned form, it's highly empathic - the sense of dissolving into the field, and particularly into another's field, is how it becomes possible to feel what they're feeling and have an intuitive sense of the shifts and movements in other people's fields. That's why the Magdalen "Goddess" energy was highly revered in society, and worshipped.

However other energies easily slip in on this vibration, because one can lose sense of self. Particularly the "Black Snake" energy can come in through the unconsciousness - a distorted elemental that holds reality constructs in place through mutual co-dependency. The Magdalen energy is highly discerning through its empathic nature, but that can easily become judgmental - there's a tendency to believe the expressed truth and the risk is to condem reality to a fixed construct - "you're always like this". In this way it's important to realise the oppressor is played too, by the distorted masculine/paternal energy of wanting/needing to protect. The dynamic builds a raft of debilitating energetic cycles of projection or acquiescence that the Black Snake energy feeds off.

Importantly this cycle CAN be broken down. It requires a good deal of dedication to watching oneself in relationship. It's excellent to get a good centering and grounding by being alone for a considerable period of time (as you did), however, crucially, that WON'T solve the problem. It can simply re-emerge when you enter into relationship again.

What I've found does work, is to come gently into relationship again, but be very careful of boundaries, and the focus of attention when you're together. This is where knowing your own Sacred Ground of Being is utterly essential, and having attention focussed on that especially when you're together.

Here are some key things to watch for...

1. Feel for the boundaries - how does each engagement want to truly go in the moment?
2. Be attentive to places where you might slip into unconscious routines. ESPECIALLY the little and apparently inconsequential ones - for example, the simply use of emoticons in text messaging and how they cause you to take on an unconscious programmed expression, that might not always be appropriate. We need to hold the space to be confrontational aswell as accepting.
3. Make sure there's plenty of space and that each follows the choices that are exactly right for them
4. Expect the relationship to keep evolving and changing, especially in the patterns of behaviour - allow for that to happen
5. I would say sleeping seprately is a very important one. Because energies merge unconsciously when you sleep through the night with another. For this reason be especially attentive when you go to sleep at night that you've established and protected your boundaries.

That may sound pretty full on and laborious! But it's worth it. It builds sovereign relating experiences that are authentic and in truth. Love is there. But real love. Not that masquerading as co-dependency.

It's a steep learning curve in self-mastery for sure!

Warmly

Open HeartPraying Emoji

 

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen!

Thanks for this vulnerable sharing. I'm sure many can relate. I know I can! As you know I experienced a pretty similar dynamic in my previous relationship, and now coming into a new one I've had to be super attentive. But, the good news is you're in exactly the right place now to overcome this! As Open said, having some time alone is important but it's when you come back into a relationship that this can really be worked with again. You've laid the groundwork for the next layer to be let go of. 

One thing that jumped out at me from your sharing was the noticing a connection between your previous desire to merge/dissolve into the relationship/your partner and your current existential dread. Could this existential dread be a mirror of the previous dissolving? It's understandable and I can recognise this fear/dread for sure. So, the question is, what is dissolving? Because there is an unhealthy distorted version and a more aligned version. We tend to unconsciously attract traits in others that give us a feeling of completion because of perceived lack in ourselves. So, in order to feel whole we form a kind of third entity in the relationship - the couple identity . It means that we're constantly seeking our partner to be a certain way in order to fulfill this identity, and vise versa. But if you recognise when this is happening, you can break this. It may be quite painful in the beginning, but it will pay huge rewards in the future.

So, perhaps at the moment this existential dread is from certain identities dissolving. Ones which you kind of depended on before to keep the relationship afloat. Maybe, you're in unchartered waters, wondering how a relationship works if that dynamic is no longer there? Again, I can certainly relate to that. 

As you know, Conscious Relating is the area of service I've chosen to focus on right now. So, like Open, I'd like to give a few points of focus if I may: 

1.  Learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't project. That means completely owning your stuff. Be open and honest when you share what's going on with your partner, but make it clear that it's your distortion to work through and not their responsibility. You're simply sharing in order to help that process along. This is actually the first hurdle for many important discussions in relationships, where so many misunderstandings can occur. 

2. Make sure your boundaries are authentic ones - boundaries is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but there can be just as many distortions expressed in setting boundaries. For example, distancing yourself from a discussion because you don't want to take responsibility for your stuff and want your partner to be the one to make a move to reconcile. An authentic boundary is always an empowering one!

3. What does being empowered mean, both for you and your partner? Notice where you make your partner responsible for how you feel and vise versa. 

4. Balance is key - between time alone, time with your partner and time with others. The right balance constantly changes and evolves. Notice when you're craving attention/connection and make sure you give yourself that before going to your partner with expectations that they will fill that hole.

 

There's a few main pointers, but I've got a whole lot more accessible through my website. Do get in touch if you want to work through it. 

Also, I've put together an online course that you can do in your own time at home which goes into more detail about all of this: Overcoming Relationship Dependency

Much love to you Jen!

Rich

In reply to by .Jen

Jen,

Thank you for sharing. Open and Rich, your responses are empowering. What spoke to me was this feeling of existential dread, avoidance and not being ok with a vibration of energy. Just curious, is this stimulated in response to relationship or is it there at other times? 
I left a relationship years ago and unconsciously invited some of the same patterns through another relationship. I am in awe of your courage to be sensitive to what begins to arise below the surface before it manifests fully and affects the energy within the exchanges that occur in relationships that subconsciously disempower each. So great to connect with you again! 
much love,

Erica

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen,

You already know, but I just wanted to express that I can so relate to a lot of what you share here and the responses! Particularly, the ‘existential dread’ is something that has been coming up for me lately. When I wake up in the morning, the sense of not feeling like getting up or even wanting to be here in this world. And at the same time what feels like a lack of ‘drive’ in life, that I might as well just stay idle, and it wouldn’t really make a difference. There is a sense of purposelessness in there…. But what it boils down to is this pit of emptiness and aloneness you mentioned, a place I know I desperately try to run away from. It almost feels like when I get close to that ‘hole’ a flight mechanism of distractions kicks in to masquerade that this pit even exists. Some of my favourite distractions are connecting with people, food, travel/new experiences and places, and keeping busy/focusing on plans (e.g. doing rather than being). The only thing is that lately these distraction tactics seem to have become less effective or perhaps I should say I have manifested being in a place where there is more emptiness in my life as well as manifesting relating experiences that touch on a core wound of those I relate to being too busy with their own needs and hence there being alone with no support available when I really need it (which of course I know in the ether there is).

This somehow also links to an inquiry I have been having lately about what I would call ‘slavery consciousness’ as a result of different karma around slavery getting triggered in the past months. Something that is perhaps also being reflected by the current state of affairs in the world…. Slavery consciousness relating to only being of use to serve other people’s needs, not being able to express my own needs or even having to suppress/deny them to avoid punishment or abandonment. And that’s where the sense of dissolving that you talk about kicks in, ‘handing over’ my sovereignty to someone or something else. Though I am very aware that it is something that I create myself internally, that I am the one handing over my sovereignty and it feels like fear is the main driver for that. And my sense is that there are still some more layers of karma related to slavery and physical punishment to unwind, before I will be able to go past that.

Heart

In reply to by Marye

Hey Marije!

I can't seem to get a hold of how to reply on the website in a way that the order makes sense??? But I think this will at least be the way to reply directly to you =). We had a great chat yesterday and I feel your post here really amplified and clarified what I expressed here as well. Thank you for sharing! Something else we chatted about that feels important to give more energy to, is the sense of fulfillment found through being of service to others...so at times that can be a distraction from oneself yes, and it can have lots of underlying motivations to get something in return, BUT, it also has a deep element of truth in it...I liked how the sense of self-absorption came up and the truth in that as well. The question I am holding open now, is how can I be of service in a way that is most aligned. Somehow I find I am a bit of a happy hostess at heart hahah...that may sound kind of lame...but I absolutely love celebrating life, and supporting the well-being of all forms of life. What's mainly been lacking in the areas that most of my energy goes (family), is a lack of feedback loop that really supports the energy flowing out and there are also expectations on my part that I am working through. I definitely can see how this natural way of being could create a beautiful vehicle to express myself and I am open to how that wants to shape as a larger service to the bigger picture. 

I loved what you said about slavery consciousness and that it is something being handed over within yourself and then there is the question of why and what does that give you? I know you are exploring these things...so these are more questions for myself. =)

Much love Marije and thank you so much for sharing! I really value our friendship <3

Jen

In reply to by .Jen

Phew, things feel quite intense right now! Following the exchange above where I posted about existential dread and slavery consciousness, what has been coming up strongly for me over the past days is an incredible fear of becoming incapacitated, of somehow not being able to function in this 3D world. This gets particularly triggered by physical pains that seem to be popping up at the moment in all sorts of places, and what feels like strong energies moving through my body, that are making it challenging to function ‘normally’ in this physical existence, which somehow triggers a lot of fear. When I try to tune into this sense of incapacitation, it seems to relate to the sense of purposelessness and the pit of emptiness and aloneness that I mentioned in my post above and therefore this feeling of existential dread. Being incapacitated feels like a very numb and idle place to be and at the same time, the fear has something to do with loosing control (over my physical body mostly). Also it somehow feels similar to when I tune into this pit of emptiness and aloneness. What I have noticed when I try to tune into this pit is that it gets to this point where I seem to loose any point of reference that then freaks me out. In that place it feels like there is no point of reference anymore, no structure, no shape, no gravity, no direction, nothing really…. In some ways almost a bit like a free fall into nothing…. Strangely when I think about it now, however much I dread it, the physical pains actually become a point of reference in the midst of that, kind of taking me out of the pit back into the 3D reference framework.

I am not sure that I am completely talking sense here, but I get a strong sense that I am hitting all sorts of karma at the moment and that this is just another aspect of that, but any reflections on this fear of incapacitation are welcome!

Jen, lots of love and gratitude to you too for all the sharings, reflections and friendship Heart

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije,

It's wonderful that you're having the courage, openness and vulnerability to share your process here. Well done!
And you know you are not alone ❤️

In fact one of the newbie facilitators experienced something very similar indeed on the recent Quantum Reset Retreat. My sense is that what you may be feeling yourself, is being greatly amplified by emapthising with the general sense many people find themselves in right now. It feels like an existential fear has activated across the planet. I would say the widespread intro of the vaxx has a lot to do with it. And general uncertainty about the future.

Always the key is to explore, "where do I identify?" And as you well know (but I'm saying it for anyone else tuning in), it's not about easing the discomfort, distracting or taking it away. The key is to surrender deeply into the core of it, feel it intimately, and sit within it until we can equalise with it. Then it will start to unravel just as you've experienced so many times on your journey The Sun EmojiThumbs Up Sign

Synchronistically today I've been called to head off on another tour around Britain, extracting the "Sword from the Stone", meaning to unleash the soul from the physical matter. So ideally the inspiration will help...
Openhand's Sword and the Stone Vlog

Much love and well wishes to you.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Open, thanks for your reflections. I am writing this post from my phone and already a few times lost all I wrote, so will try to keep it short before it happens again, the reason being that after my external harddrive broke down a few weeks ago, yesterday my laptop also gave in. Apart from a lot is of other auspicious things happening this week, including a new guard where I stay going 'mad' after midnight, running around the compound completely naked shouting some kind of gospel stuff, also about Adam and Eve, until the police took him. So the sense of feeling incapacitated has been heightened even further, also because internally the energies have been so strong that there have literally been moments that I felt it would make my body explode, or should I perhaps say fall apart. Particularly when I wake up in the morning I feel so much energy that I can sometimes barely make out my physical shape anymore. Still the overall sense of incapacitation keeps on triggering a lot of fear and overwhelm, a sense of helplessness I suppose, particularly about functioning in the 3D.  

In reply to by Marye

Hi Marije - I would say what I'm experiencing here on the Sword and the Stone Tour dovetails precisely with what I'm hearing a lot of Openhanders experiencing - that is much challenge on the plane of the physical. I can feel lots of new energies coming in and wanting to be earthed. So that might cause quite a blockage for those who are (often unkowlingly) challenling energy in. I would suggest exploring how you may ground the energy, or at least distribute it, letting it decide where it needs to go. Watch out for tomorrow's singing chakra meditation from Castlerig in the Lake District where I've been today. That might help. Same to all tuning in having serious physical challenges right now.

Much love and support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

I feel like the events unfolding in Hong Kong are the precursor of a wider emergent wave of rebellion against unjust political leadership. Something to watch I would say...

In reply to by Open

Yea, it seems more difficult for them now. Some years ago I was reading some spiritual articles about about how society needs to become without leaders, just small groups cooperating somehow without really knowing how they are cooperating together in to achieving the same thing... If such a movement was to occur, then it would be harder to stop as there is not head to target.

 

And here's a quote from one of the Hong Kong protesters:

“There is no long-term agenda, no leader. We all feel the same and want the same things, but we don’t have to follow any one person,” said one black-clad participant in his early 20s, who gave his name only as Jojo.

https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2019/06/18/asia-pacific/hong-kongs-yo…

 

Yea, who can they target? They had to suspend the bill, for now, so this is like a tactical retreat for them. Everyone assumes they will be back, but it has been shown that they had to do a tactical retreat! The Taiwan people are paying a lot of attention here....

 

The LeaderLess movements coordinated not on this dimension are beginning I think.

 

Best,

Rayko

 

I wondered if anyone else experienced something very odd yesterday? Several friends and I who are energetically sensitive had a range of 'symptoms' yesterday including being unable to feel connected spiritually in meditation. I also had a clear sense of my energy field being constrained in some way and a physical energy drain. We are spread out between Essex and Warwickshire so it wasn't local. Those not 'sensitive' (friends and family) didn't seem to be affected at all. Things seem to be back to normal today but I wondered if anyone else has experienced this and what the best approach is to overcome this if/when it happens again?

 

In reply to by Pam

Hi Pam - I was travelling up through Wariwickshire yesterday - I picked up some disruptive energies myself - put the wrong fuel in my car as a result!

Not sure what it was though - will keep feeling.

Best wishes

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

I hope you realised before you drove away!

I will be interested to hear what you discover and any suggestions as to the best way way to deal with this kind of thing. I will be unable to access the internet for the next week but will check the website as soon as I have access

Best wishes

PamPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Yeahh, on the 12th of June I experienced a bit more than just disruptive energies. Been getting terrible sleep these past few days as there was protests and upheaval in Hong Kong, where I live.

It is about passing a law that will allow the Chinese government (in Beijing) to extradite people in Hong Kong (even if you are just passing through the airport on your way to another country) based on political crimes.

The title of this news article https://time.com/longform/hong-kong-protests/

Hong Kong Is on the Frontlines of a Global Battle For Freedom

Yeah, this thing goes beyond Hong Kong. Soo here's the background info for those curious and unaware: The current politics of "Two systems, One Country" under which Hong Kong operates was meant to be implemented as a way for China to reclaim Taiwan in a smooth and peaceful way, as opposed to just installing a different political model overnight. Soo Taiwan is watching how things unfold in Hong Kong... But you know, this political puppet show of USA vs China also has random effects on this, since if China is to become the dominant country in this world; well everyone will pay attention to this.

Ultimately, as I see it, the current dominant power is currently being handed over to China from the West since the people in the West have been rich for a while and thus are no longer happy with only being given a few monetary breadcrumbs (compared to the rich elites). Where as since the Chinese people were poor for the last 100 years, and they are now receiving a little bit more breadcrumbs than before so they accept things as they are.

 

Things have just become a bit more calmer since the big boss of Hong Kong has said she will be suspending this bill for now, and it is funny how this statement comes after some rich people in Hong Kong started to move some of their money to Singapore ^.^

This bill has now literally pissed of everyone! The protesters wouldn't be out if they were happy, then the police might have been having fun but now they have to listen to the local Buddhists sing their mantras a 1 million times because walked into hospitals and detained unconscious protesters (who were made unconscious by the police firing rubber bullets upon them). I just said the rich have started to move their money. Hmm now the USA might remove Hong Kong from list of special trading partners, giving another card Trump can play against Xi next week... And even Hong Kong people who didn't care about bill were harassed by the police on the grounds that might cause public nuisance...

Hi Jen,

That's the curious thing about the paradox of relativity and life itself - everything I see is an aspect of me. AND...

We are here self-determining as souls, deciding who we are, and actualising that.

The more accurate we become about how we are being, the more the distortion separates out - the less wrapped up in it you are. Yet I find there's always some distant reflection.

Take "Opposing Consciousness". There's definitely a defined energy challenging the natural consciousness of the planet and of humanity. I can feel its actions very separate and different to mine. Yet I know I could still be more aware, more aligned, more tuned in. And so it still reflects that aspect which is not.

For me it's about living with the paradox. I work continually to be all that I can be. I look in the mirror of what I am, and what I am not. Then I work to make a clear statement about who I am in relation to the landscape.

I trust that makes sense!

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Thanks Open,

Yes, I do see this. The tricky part for me is judgement coming from strong resistance to the way things are. There IS a struggle against the reality that seems to create more frustration and friction because the world (or at least those inhabiting it around me) don't seem to bend according to the vision I yearn for. And why should they? It's there experience, not mine to control, bend, fix, mold (though I often try to). I feel there IS a way to honor the way it is and still hold a sense of something else inside...though I have not nearly mastered that!!

I feel the ego is more active then it's ever been...everything seems to trigger this control and anger...and the feeling of IT'S NOT OK!! I AM NOT OK!!! I am sure this will all unwind and settle in some new way...the friction is a wake up call to another way of being. I get the sense that touching into the authentic feelings of Not feeling A-ok - is stirring the more active, courageous, and willing to feel heart broken aspects ...which are also mixed in with control and aggression.

 There is something important to me at the moment about wholeheartedly feeling the brokenness and with it this crystal clear vibration..like a note struck on a crystal glass.

Much love,

Jen

 

In reply to by .Jen

I'm with you Jen - it's NOT OKAY!
And also you're right, PEOPLE ARE NOT LISTENING!
They won't listen, right up to the point they slip over the edge - to me that's very clear. So I've stopped efforting to shift their direction and instead simply to work with who shows up. But I have to say, that has been a real journey of letting go over the years!

You speak of molding and bending - I know you know there's distortion in it, but I can also see the truth reflected in your words.

I see it like this...

Imagine for a moment you rest completely in the Void of Infinite Potential. To give it tangibility, imagine it as being the heart. The heart expands outwards and you're there in the illusion shaping things. Sometimes it is your role to bind creation together. Sometimes though, this will not happen, for various reasons, such as other people not being on the same page. So you let go and contract back down again, ready for another beat, another creation. And so there you are beating outwards and inwards, continually creating and letting go. You give you're all, and yet keep surrendering. You are not the creations, but the heart that keeps beating. Personally I find enormous joy and satisfaction in that, even if things don't work in the outer.

Open Praying Emoji

Dear Jen,

If it’s any source of comfort, I’m right there with you! As I move into the preparations for the Divinicus course, it’s with a sense of leaving everything I ever knew and found support and comfort in, behind me. Due to current family circumstances, I’m even leaving with the feeling of completely abandoning my children (especially my 2-year old son) when they need me the most. 

When going to Bruge, I went with the excitement and confidence of a child/teenager, but this time I go with a deeper sense of maturity and humility in knowing that the death of the ego is NO JOKE. If you think you can tuck some little shady or attached part of you away in some nook or cranny of your consciousness, thinking it may go by unnoticed - think again! There is no escape. No compromise. You either (let) go all the way or you don’t!

It will be ok, Jen. You’re in a good place. And you’re not alone. I’m glad to see you’ve gotten in touch with the RAGE. I sensed that in you back in the fall when we had that exchange in our Circle of Angels. I believe I mentioned it in one of my posts to you. There was also a dream you talked about then. I think it was something about you being on the Second floor of your childhood home and not being able to go down to the bottom floor. Sound familiar? I didn’t say anything then but I felt this dream was connected to the hidden rage, the rage somehow being on the bottom floor but without a staircase to reach it. Disconnected somehow. The two different floors resonated with me as the two lowest chakras - the second (emotional) and the base. And the base was cut off, not accessible for some reason...

I don’t know why I feel to tell you this now, I just do. See if anything resonates with you.

 

It will be OK.

 

I love you and I will see you very very soon! ❤️

 

Anastasia

 

In reply to by Anastasia

Thank you Anastasia and I look forward to seeing you soon!!

Yes, leaving behind the comforts is a big one for me at the moment...mostly in the form of emotional attachments that give a sense of security. It's become clear how important it is for me to internally retrieve the energy and stop seeing myself in this horizontal pairing which has already completely changed, save for my holding open to wide of a doorway. Not sure if this is making any sense. lol!

Yes, yes, yes, that dream has stuck with me and I have been feeling into that sense of not being able to connect to the ground...interstingly in a meditation last week, I was processing these feelings of rage around what feels like a beast that wants to devour the surface of the planet. I was watching the surface of the planet be swallowed into a giant sharp toothed mouth and into what looked like a black hole with nothing on the other side. However when I dropped fully to the Earth and let myself be pulled into the hole, it turned out I was inside my own body ...a younger version of myself was carrying a torch down my throat (which was a cave with old letters and a horse carved on it...which interestingly I lost my voice all this week - and it's appropriate as I have felt like no-one is listening) . My younger self passed by my heart which was glowing like a fire, and down to my pelvis where I sat inside the bowl shape of my pelvic bones and drew a purple flower with a puffy yellow and orange center in which my younger self sat. So, lots is being stirred between the 1st and 2nd floors now and I continuously dream of going up and down the staircase...

It's funny how surprising it is to me that people pick up on the tucked away 'not okness" inside...I notice how that brings up feelings of anger too! At being so transparent? Maybe the defenders don't like that... It feels more like, if it's so obvious, then why didn't anyone notice (I am guessing this is more from the child's point of view).

Anyways, I am gonna stop for now - I am sure we will chat in person plenty soon! Thank you for taking the time to relate and to share!

Much love,

Jen

Hi jen - I feel for you, and I've been there with people in this space quite frequently recently.

There are no sacred cows as you approach The One.
There are no rosy futures or beautiful outcomes to look forwards to.
There is no "saving this or saving that".
The ego is utlimately obliterated in the light of pure awareness.
Afterwards comes a deep peaceful acceptance.

Much love to you.

Open Heart

In reply to by Open

Thank you Open. It seems a tricky thing to feel the program reality, and not condemn it. What an epic challenge it seems to accept that I am not separate from any of it. Ironically, the distancing from it only seems to strengthen the identification with it and blow it up in living color all around.   

Still processing a lot of this...appreciate the support!!

Anastasia - thank you for your post! I would like to respond to you...tomorrow when I am more rested. <3

With love,

Jen

 

Hello All,

It's been quite a while since I have shared...everything has been intense...just everything from every direction.  It's all too much sometimes, I yearn for some escape from it all - maybe we all wish for that sometimes?  These last months I have seen my "sacred cow" - the attachment to MY WAY - that organic, sustainable, plant based, holistic one...and the surrender is not to some rosy beautiful ideal, it's a surrender that says ok to a path I judge, the things that my "principles" say are not right...the pharmaceutical companies, big business, feed the machine...YET, it seems that from the place inside that doesn't exclude a way because it doesn't fit in my ideals, ....from that place, there is a yes, it's ok, you've done what you can, it's ok to let him find comfort in this way. Being with another in their pain (my son)...it's released some of the rigidity, the need to fix it...the need to have his life be a certain way....the need to manage his pain, his path. It's all revealing much of my own unfelt or unwelcomed pain of course.

At the same time, anger like I have never felt in my life is coming to the surface. I have been doing some dreamwork and in meditation, revisited a time where I was three years old having a temper tantrum in my room...tearing my room to shreds because I was locked in my room alone...in the meditation I find myself mid-air as I jumped on my bed, my body boiling with rage, yet frozen in place, overwhelmed with the feeling of being so out of control. The anger begins to turn inside of me...shifting into intense self-hatred. And now, it's reflecting everywhere, encounter after encounter is triggering this massive rage, usually in places where I can't express it. There is a certain distance/coldness/detachment, especially, though not exclusively, from someone who use to be a warm source of comfort, that is triggering it...this feeling that it doesn't matter what I want...the feeling of being disregarded, unconsidered and especially seen as ridiculous or making a big deal out of "nothing".  It feels like a fog falls over me and I feel victimized and isolated - alternating between intense rage and a despair/desperation. Once I am away from the situation, my whole field changes, I feel a sense of natural well being. It's very strange. 

Anyways, just sharing....just been rough and I guess it feels helpful to verbalize it. Much love to you all here. <3 Jen

In the aerrly days I did wonder if one could live hear totally in the higher vibe. But it most definitely is possible. It unleashes an incredible flow of divine sycnhronicity. I find there's nothing quite like it. I always got great reflections of that in the Coldplay music. Here's one. What does it for you?...

I observed something interesting while being out there in the drama related to talking about Openhand with other people and events.  I was filling out this personal assessment form and one of the question was to list affiliations or belonging to any of groups/communities and originally felt resistance listing Openhand there.  I remember myself coming with all kind of excuses (it is not a religions nor organization and so on ...).

After some time, I have realized that it may have to do with the message that Openhand brings and how people would react to it.  For me, possibly it was a sense of being rejected, abandoned, not accepted.  I know I have to stand my truth.  I did go back and added Openhand there even no one is going to pay attention to it.  The Ray 4 diplomacy can be used to get a sense across and still stay in my truth.  

I may have to work through things as they come up and I am not going to abandon myself and the team anymore.  The time is now.

With Love,

Anatoly

Wow!  The insane amount of growth and insight that you guys bring is mind boggling!  I am so grateful for even the tiniest nugget that sparks exploration to further my connection to the source.  I have been exploring why my feminine/masculine has been so out of balance and trying to discover why I brought such injustice to my life and doing breakthrough breathing and other techniques to coax forth that "truth" and "light" that will guide me towards my "answers".  Funny that the man that harmed me and my children was named Ryan and I actually nicknamed him "ORyan", lmao!!!!!  When I ready both of your posts and explored the guidance I am blown away by the insights you have both offered!

Megha, you said "Something that you cannot swallow about the masculine needs examining." and that was like a freight train to the forehead!  This whole time I was so concerned that I was not feminine enough, because I am so afraid to show or explore sexuality and this whole time it could be just because it is highly imbalanced...I invited (by manifesting) one sexual abuse after another (or denial of sexual impulses, thoughts or feelings).  Deep down I realize that I must have invited the darkness within Ryan (who ended up being the man who gave me biological children after multiple doctors said it was medically impossible and multiple miscarriages) because there were wounds needed to shed the skin of this trauma surrounding sexuality that I just kept putting band aids over and re-inviting into my life..

I read a lot on here and don't always post, but when you share your deep (and often vulnerable) truth it ALWAYS sparks something in my that takes me to that place where I can release something that has been holding me back and then I do whatever activity brings me the most joy and I don't feel bad about that joy, despite what my mind is telling me I "should" be doing instead...I know that this path is right and true and I am so blessed to have such lovely beings of light exploring and sharing, guiding us through this together!

Jen, I also want to say that you are the first "Open" person that I met in person...the light you shine is so lovely and being around you is warm and comforting.  I appreciate you beyond words and, because of our "work" at the intensive, I can see your loveliness as my reflection...especially in our exploring/navigating these energies here with Megha and knowing that we are peeling away the illusion...we are eternal!  

Sending Giant Ether Hugs and Love,

AphroHeidi

Dear Jen and Heidi,

The return of Ray 1 masculine has also been a big theme for me this past year. Just like you Jen ,I used to shut down in presence of strong wilful men who express Ray 1 quite emphatically. Also, I was never entirely comfortable with my sexuality  and so it was a double whammy as far as connecting with such men was concerned. This was ,in my workplace typified by a man I felt very uncomfortable with because he was very expressive of his masculine sexuality . In the last year ,as so much has moved for me ,I have started occupying my sacral chakra more. That's how it feels . After all the bawling on the yoga mat ,I feel like I more deeply occupy my own body especially my pelvis. Yesterday I had a very intense conversation with him interestingly about consent and the Me Too movement . There were a couple for times he ' crossed the line ' and  expressed fairly physically how he found me deeply attractive  . This time, rather than retreating into fear and lashing out ,I was able to get him to see how this was not a good idea all without shutting down my sexuality. It felt like a conversation between friends and I felt as if  some circle.has been closed ,some.energy regained. 

As far as your dream was concerned ,technology stood out for me.as.did black eyes and I got.Orion. The examination of vomiting was also.something that spiked. Something that you cannot swallow about the masculine needs examining . 

Hope the reflections help ! Heidi ,so great that you were able to attend so many esoteric things. I confess I am a little envious 

Lots of love to you ladies 

Megha

 

In reply to by Megha

Hello Megha!! 

As soon as I read the title of the post, my heart kind of skipped a beat. Yes, befriending the masculine...ugh...not sure why that's my actual response hah! 

The other day marked a major relationship shift  and later that night I had intense pain/heaviness/cramping in my pelvis - like labor pains. Things are changing also as I am suddenly being approached quite often by men...I am not liking that so much and it's causing me to notice how uncomfortable I am with it all. I sense some major sh*t coming up here - stuff I haven't had to look at til now. Yes, it feels very related to sexuality as well as transparency/intimacy.  It's coming to me now that it has something to do with not wanting to be deeply seen and perhaps something of feeling unloveable/undesirable. 

How awesome that you were able to navigate the situation with your co-worker in a way that you may not have in the past. I can relate to that, having drawn many strong willed people to navigate staying present, embodied  and engaging - it's felt good to see how that changes! Though I have not navigated this piece of feeling drawn to an energy and then scared of it at the same time - I pretty much run from that! haha 

Well, surely life is stirring the pot and I get the feeling that things will be showing up on the scene to see what it is that's freaking me out and find more freedom in these situations. 

Very interesting what you said about Orion, that has been coming up multiple times lately...there was definitely another energy coming through the men in my dreams...something that scared me and brought up the feeling of physical vulnerability and being preyed upon. 

Thank you so much for your sharing and reflections. Big love and hugs to you!! <3 Jen

Thank you for sharing Jen!  I really felt like I was walking through your dream as I read and had to laugh when you used the word "random".  I keep seeing SO MANY (especially Full Moon Solstice with a meteor shower booster:) and I find myself elated and delighted when they occur and always say "weird" or "random" when I have zero belief of that being what is happening.  I wonder if the wonder will ever go away ;)  

I appreciate your dream on a very deep level and find that my post last week elicited supportive advice and encouragement that led me to have a similar experience regarding my masculine divine energy, which I had not even realize I had been attempting to stifle for my entire life.  The part about vomiting really got to me, because I physically spent over a year vomiting and ended up in the hospital one day (literally according to the ER doctor) away from death.  They "fixed" my physical problem, but I continued the vomiting in my dream world (in some form or another) for a long time following.  My deep exploration and breakthrough techniques helped me come to such a place of calm peace and unity balance that I have been feeling tempted (randomly ;) to create something to offset the balance because I have, as it turns out, been doing that for my entire life! 

I had NO IDEA just how deep this conditioning stuff could go and I appreciate your sharing as I feel we are all helping each other grow so much more quickly in the exploration!  The synchronicities that we see so often are speaking even louder now.  A woman that is in my conscious dance class is studying healing techniques and asked if I would be one of her subjects.  I went Friday morning (solstice) and had the BEST healing where she said she saw dragon and fire and a snow owl and that it felt as though my whole body was ignited and at odds with itself, but then calmed down completely during her healing and my fitbit watch even registered the calm! 

I had seen a picture, the day prior, of a person's phone lock screen and it said 4:44, 4 % battery and 4G...it was a post on FB and the background was a fire breathing dragon.  When I was on the way to her house I was thinking of how I felt a bit of Shiva destroying so many attachments and constructs...I then looked at my directions and saw that the road I was about to turn on said "Phoenix", which is in the picture that I have attempted to post with this entry. 

After I got home from the healing I attended a global stargate activation meditation and yesterday was literally the BEST day of my life.  I have NEVER EVER felt so free.  I know that there is so much more to explore on this journey and I REALLY appreciate how learning from and how you navigate your experience enhances my life experiences significantly.  Sending you so much love!!!!!  

Big Loving Phoenix About To Rise Ether Hug,

Heidi 

 

In reply to by Aphroheidi

Dear Heidi,

Thank you so much for your sharing. The dreamworld contains so much richness...I am in awe of what the subconscious can produce to illuminate whats not yet fully conscious or integrated (or at least that's how I see it at the moment).  Wow - I love the enthusiasm with which you share your story. =) Vomiting is interesting theme isn't it...fascinating that the theme went in and out of physical manifestation for you. It sounds like you have had some big realizations around the expression of the masculine. I am feeling like there is a new layer of stuff to "look through/feel through/find me in" at the moment - thank so much for just being there and reflecting back to me. 

I love your dragon/phoenix synchronicities - awesome!!! Thanks for reflecting with me Heidi. Big Hugs!! <3 Jen

Hello All,

Lots of new things are coming to the forefront and it always helps me see more clearly when I express it.

I have noticed for a long time that I feel very uncomfortable around men with strong Ray 1 energy - at the same time I am very drawn to it as well. The discomfort causes me to avoid this type of character or shut down internally in a variety of ways - kind of going numb on multiple levels. I will feel a strongly attractive impulse and then close down or go into heightened states of anxiety.  I get the feeling this is abut the inner rejection of this type of energy...seeing some connections to a dream last night.

In the dream, my youngest son (who is 11 - I share this as I feel its pointing to how I felt at this age) died choking on a celery stick. Immediately following I am on a trip with a group of people that I don't feel at ease with - a group of couples that I don't hang out with. I am carrying this sadness of the death of my son, but still going on. It's very clear that I don't belong there and three of the men start finding fault with me - specifically that I gave someone a gift -  a lip balm - that exploded all over their technology and they are angry about it - their eyes have turned completely black. 

Then the scene changes and there are people choking and vomiting around me and then looking through the contents of what was brought up. 

I see a few things here:

-lip "balm" and exploding stand out as I re-read this and perhaps the way a stronger expression can cause things to come up

- expression of inner masculine, expression of gifts,  it's impacts and the resulting choking

- death of the young inner masculine 

And yet I don't feel this is exactly about expressing Ray 1 - what feels right to me is that it's about being willing to stay present with the wanting to run away or going numb in the face of that strong masculine energy - it is a reaction - one that seems so deeply encoded and I can imagine all the ways in which this was wired in. Yet at the bottom of all the reasons and specifics of experiences, there is still just a willingness (or not) to remain open to the flow of what is moving within...feels vulnerable - wide open in a way - not knowing what will come ...facing this energy actually feels like an invitation to meet myself more nakedly and being open to how to be in the moment.

Lots of sort of random things related to the masculine energy ...just putting it out there. <3 Jen

Thanks for the support Open! 

The last two days I have woken with a stiffness through my neck, shoulders and back...the feeling you might get from holding one position too long. Those words seem to ring true for me - becoming a fixed position in the flow.  I am perceiving it as the tension I have been holding through the resistance of feeling through the chaos.  And I do have the question inside of what is chaos? It's felt as lack of order, lack of harmony.

Parts of this have truth as there is plenty of disharmonious vibes. But there is also an internal need to get rid of the disharmony. There is then a judgement about what is occurring ...as the disharmony serves a purpose -reflecting where there is a lack of alignment (in me). And even if the disharmony locally was resolved within, there are within the manifest plenty of knots in the flow, 'grey areas', 'dark areas'. If I am able to be ok with that (on a felt energetic level) then I am the One in it, otherwise I am an identity that needs to have things be light and harmonious.

Can I allow this to be? (self-inquiry) - to feel the general mix of things and trust that all is moving toward alignment in its own way, without my need to hasten it for my own comfort. It seems, hastening happens naturally, if it's right to,  through acceptance of the energy and realignment within. 

Much love,

Jen

Your inquiry keeps taking you into deeper layers Jen - deeper down the rabbit hole! The Sun Emoji

The chaos is a big one too - yes it'll test all those boundaires around 'right' behaviour. But that's okay - bring it on, it leads to a tremendous sense of freedom in it all.

There with you

Open Praying Emoji

It seems we all have certain feelings, experiences we run from in all the ways we do...and then there is the realization that I can just be in this feeling or experience without needing to make it stop, change it, fix it, release it etc. At times I find it's just the emptiness that I am running from...interesting to watch the psychological spinning (self-judgement, analyzing, story reliving or making on a mental level) that goes into that exploration and see how that is also part of the avoidance (though it all has it's place).

At the moment the contemplation is around the feeling of chaos and the resistance to it's impacts. I am recognizing the resistance I feel to loud voices, witnessing physical roughness between people (even when playing), intensity of emotion when people are experiencing anger, harshness, judgement etc. It's beginning to click with me that this is re-experiencing of that which I have become identified with not being able to handle. The key seems to be to allow those vibes in fully, just feel it all without reacting to it and then FINDING A WAY TO EXPRESS IT - which is the big piece I have not been getting on this. I feel like I do let this in (kind of choicelessly...though not always graciously) but I don't express it.

I have definitely numbed it in all the common ways (including bringing myself into a more stimulated state via caffeine, slower state via wine, detached state via tv, less sensitive state via overeating). Then of course,  I have  tried to control externals to minimize feeling it (and yes there are definitely healthy boundaries in place as well - though I see that I go beyond that to control and limit the impacts of what I am feeling). 

The last few days with the music playing on this site, I recognized how good it feels to just move (thank you to all of you musically inspired friends!!!!)...and how helpful this is in unwinding the overstimulation. Feels like a great wait to cleanse and recalibrate the system!

 

Hey Jen, Paul and Anatoly, hat's off to you, great inquiry! Thumbs Up SignThe Sun Emoji

Jen, this stood out like a thunderbolt...

If it were me and this were "coming up", I might ask myself...
"what am I having trouble digesting in my life?"

I would commend the advice given on a physical standpoint, yes. Over the years, diet has been a huge area of inquiry in my own incarnation here and it's been a full-on challenge to get the balance right - constant exploration, constant tweaking here and there. There were many challenges along the way, bloating, over eating, acid reflux, imbalances etc etc. It struck me how convoluted the human digestive system really is, how no one diet seems to be right for everyone - although we can each reflect particular approaches and experiences.

I feel like after about 16 continual years of inquiry, I've now reached a balanced harmony in my own system. I know what works and what doesn't. And throughout all this, one fact became abundantly clear:

Dietary exploration is never just about the physical. It's a powerful journey of spiritual realignment; an invitation to find the right way of living and being in all aspects of life. And it'll precipitate the emergence of karma in a major way too. To gain balance then, is to keep progressing forwards in one's diet and life. They seem to be inextricably interrelated.

Great to see the inquiry here. Awareness is always the key!

Open OK Hand SignThumbs Up SignThe Sun Emoji

In reply to by Open

I love what you said here Open. I wonder if I came across a bit prescriptive? Watching that. Seems there is still alot of focus on the physical symptoms even within the herbal modality. It feels like a great place for me to learn the intellectual piece of it, however, I am drawn to foster the relationship with the plants and to bring in herbs and other overall wellness modalities as support of spiritual unfolding. I don't see myself working with people who simply want to solve the physical ailments if they are not open to seeing the purpose of the experience they are having. I am trusting that I will naturally draw the people that match the ways I connect and share. =)

Great reflections and tips Jen and Paul!  Thank you!  On a physical level, most likely this stomach imbalance was triggered by too much play with coffee.  However, this also coincided with a feeling of being stuck on 'spiritual' level.  Heck, I don't even know what that means! Probably a story that ego created where I am supposed to be or how to progress.  I am probably not digesting well a moment when not being challenged in some way.  Becomes a Groundhog Day.  I think maybe the situation calls for deeper penetration of the everyday routine.

Anatoly

Hey Jen! 

Wow - your knowledge on this subject is very extensive and artfully shared and above all effective.  I wish I would’ve read your exact words this time last year! :)

Paul

In reply to by Eric.

Happy to share Paul...glad to hear that you have found things that work for you! Funny, I wouldn't have known this last year as I have been studying herbal medicine over the last year so lots of new things are integrating. I really enjoy making the connections and seeing the reflections of the energy within the physical. Much love, Jen

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen,

Thank you so much for ... being you. I was surprised when a very strong wave of emotion ran through me when I noticed you had posted - I just saw the name “Paul” in the title and couldn’t even read the rest of your words it was so strong.   I realized I have always felt connected yet somehow far away from you and never understood why - I hope you don’t mind me sharing that. :)

Interestingly, I am right smack in the middle of delving deeply into my relationship with Divine Mother energy, and synchronistically, also my relationship with my earthly mom. 

I have been exploring specifically the sense of restriction, of limitation, of structured imprisonment that I’ve held inside all of my life while unconsciously projecting much of the blame onto my mom. 

I am in the midst of the deep realization that her structure, her relentless parenting strategy, her seeming distance ... it was all designed PERFECTLY for me. And I saw the unfathomable time, consideration, commitment, uncertainty, agony, and LOVE that went into her expression of motherhood... and I am eternally grateful to the point where tears of gratitude are flowing again now just knowing and feeling it.

What I thought was a prison for so long - wasn’t a prison at all. It was a trellis for me to climb and grow in the right direction - towards the sun. She was and is the perfect mom just being who she is

Just like you.

:)

 

 

 

In reply to by Eric.

Wow Paul! How beautiful! Thank you for sharing with me and no I don't mind at all - I am grateful for it!

What you said here "I realized I have always felt connected yet somehow far away from you and never understood why" I can greatly resonate with this...it struck me quite strongly...it seems perhaps my way of being or expressing has represented something to you ...something which you are connected to yet feel (or felt) distanced from? 

This phrase stirs something deep in me...it feels like my own words...often in close relationships I have perceived a "dead space" where I feel I can not traverse any further...and I feel a connection but also distanced at the same time. Now I feel it in relation to being somewhat abandoned or distanced from what? I don't know what? Myself?

I love how you shared about the realizations that have come around your mom and the perfection of our experiences...the honesty and vulnerability touched me and made me smile. I can really relate to how you described her challenges. Thank you for sharing! I was contemplating on why my son keeps going through these long periods of intense physical pain...every time I go through this surrendering process and it deeply changes me, and then I realized he is also realizing so much through this...how to be in physical pain and not need it to go away, and not be completely identified with it. Sometimes all he needs is the sense that he is not alone in his pain and that brings so much comfort and ability to be in it and find some freedom within it.  Same for me I suppose =)

What a kind and touching message - thank you so much! <3 Jen

.  

Hi Anatoly,

I can relate, and have experienced stomach and heartburn issues in the past. Mine were related to core distortions around consuming past the point of satiation - for pleasure, as well as for emotional comfort.  Sometimes it was subtle and sometimes I would literally inhale my food. 

The physical symptoms were throat and chest tightness and intermittent heartburn, physical pain when pressing on my lower stomach, along with the background feeling of being unable to draw a full breath. It gradually progressed from mild intermittent discomfort to the point where I was not able to eat a wide variety of food because they would cause a histamine reaction.

I know it was partly related to the nature of my initial forays into intermittent fasting - where I would go without eating for most of the day and then sometimes explore the opposite polarity raptor style.

I would also drink black coffee on on an empty stomach many mornings and sometimes afternoons because I LOVED the way it made me feel. 

When things got really challenging I finally got the message, began to eat more consciously, and gave up caffeine for about two months. I did a lot of internet research and self diagnosed my condition as having low stomach acid based on my symptoms. I would sip on a capful of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water before most meals and believe that really helped my digestion.

I can do coffee and black tea now no problem, but normally opt for green tea these days. Just noticing the black/green snake realignment parallel there actually!

The challenges I was experiencing in my life at that time were around personal sovereignty/solar plexus in my career, and suppressing my authentic self expression/throat tension.

It’s still very much a work in progress, but maybe some of the extremes I experienced will help give some added context to your own issues.

With you!

Paul

I have been having issues with my stomach recently, some kind of turmoil (maybe acid reflux with a bunch of air wanting to release). At first I thought maybe my experimenting with intermittent diet and coffee (occasionally) caused misbalance but i have been doing it this before and didn't have the symptoms.  

Now, I am feeling it may be something else possibly related to the latest Openhand meditative work (breakthrough/chakra/implants/bow) i have been doing on the regular basis and integration of these in everyday life.  I seem to get more challenged/distracted with various thought patterns amplified.  Also, some other shit seems to be coming up to work through (nothing intensive though).

Also, the density (some kind of very dense material highlighted at the lower back and head) in my field has amplified many fold during the meditation practice.  Very distracting, consciousness eater it seems.  I am working with it but haven't moved it yet, only managed to amplify at this point.

Thought would share my experience if it resonates with anyone. Reflections are welcome as well.

With Love,

Anatoly

In reply to by nialet

Hey Anatoly!

Happy to see you here =).

This may be quite off but here are some things that flagged for me...

- reflux, shit coming up, consciousness eater

On a physical level, I wonder how your stomach acid is? Often reflux is actually an indicator of low stomach acid and digestive enzymes - low digestive "fire" which challenges the body to really digest and assimilate what it is receiving.  

Don't know if that resonates? If so, some key things that may also reflect to you energetically (possibly):

Drink plenty of water throughout the day and 20-30 minutes before a meal

Slow down, chew your food consciously and completely

Pay attention to not taking in too much at once

Do not drink fluid while you eat

Begin your meal with a small amount of bitter greens with a bit of ACV (if tolerable)

Include fermented foods and enzyme rich fruits and veg in your diet - like avocado, papaya and pineapple

If it were me and this were "coming up", I might ask myself "what am I having trouble digesting in my life?" Do you notice how you feel in the body when the thought patterns are amplified? Where is your consciousness in those moments? There are many questions you could explore in relation to any of the above.

Much love,
Jen 

In reply to by .Jen

I find it so interesting how I am responding to my response - so much of what I said applies to my experience =). 

It struck me how equally important it is to release the things that are not for me....what wants to come up and be released out of my field?  This is just as important as what wants to be fully embodied. The concept of digestion is so interesting...as it involves the transmutation of food/energy. There is the energy that is assimilated...and the release of what is not needed.  Lately I have found myself overeating and feeling sooo full ...for me it's reflecting the need to release some things that I have been taking on materially, emotionally and energetically.  And of course to look at why I am doing that? At the moment it seems to come down to a restlessness and not being with the restlessness to see what's there. 

Thanks for bringing this in Anatoly. <3