Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).

Comments

Zac Sparkles, I really feel your words.

Last weekend I was walking through the forest at the farm and stopped to speak to a very old grandmother pine. Her roots are like pythons: cool, strong, quiet that rise above the fallen pine needles. She is so tall I have to lean back to see her crown. I laid my offering down and asked permission to breathe into her. She said, "Little One, we are in this together."

It was a much needed reminder to me that as singular as our soul journeys are, we have allies. The trees, the animals, the plants, the insects, the winged ones work patiently to unwind the chains of this density, to reveal to us the pieces of our blindness.

Brother, your allies await you.

love, tigger

Thanks Spiritpaws!
I needed to be reminded there are beautiful awakened souls on this planet and their not just in human form.
I interact with the other so much I'd forgotten that.
You've returned the spark in me!

Let me share with you guys the place I miss so much.
My true home where my soul family awaits me.
After our work in this place is done make sure you all come join the eternal party on our Isla Bonita.
Love to you guys

I feel your turmoil of life Zac. I have lived it for many years now. The more I journey down this path, the more I learn, the less I know. Not sure if it makes since. Openhand has opened my eyes to a light and a love that most people in this world truly do not see or feel yet. It is spreading as you can see and feel it. You are one of these farmers of Openhand who plants these wonderful seeds, like the {wemale seed} awesome. I know for me even after all these years of pain and hurt there are times that I want the pain just to stop, not just for me but for all living things. Moments of wanting to be with the loved ones that have already moved on from this life. I think to myself that I can watch from the other side and help from there and for the most times a feeling of profound sadness and happiness all at once, hits me. The closer I get to these feeling the more I see them, the more I understand them, the more I except them. I know that when I go within myself like this I have to be aware of the ego for this can feed the pain and hurt and cloud over any light that may be present. There is a place that is full of death that I visit a lot. It is a graveyard on the ocean shore here in Cape Breton. This beautiful place brings moment of bliss into my life when I question my beingness. There is a huge tree in the centre of this peaceful yard with an eagle's nest in it, just amazing. My profile picture is of one of the eagles leaving that nest. I was there 2 days ago, a lot going on in this head and needed some peace. Time has no meaning to me there. The 2 eagles except me as one of there own, it is like oneness. I had hugged one old tree there and thanked it for the time it spend here and at the same time I looked down and there was a tail feather from my friends the eagles, just an another blissful moment. You see I was wanting my eagle family experiences shared with a close friend and this feather is from the love of the eagle and myself. I will present this gift to my friend.

Zac when I come to this site for the most part I am searching for ways to ground myself, I see the bigger picture, and know that it is alright not to know. When I have dark moments, you and openhand are the rays of light that help guide me.Some times it is quite hard to see any light, I will close my eyes find one happy though and embrace it. This flicker of light will grow once more and help you see. So my wemale friend keep shining, and remember the sun shines even on rainy days. For the most part I have found my Home and it does not have walls or a roof it is call my body.

Much Love
Horse

You know Horse the first time I read one of your posts I felt a connection with you. Its strange cause I don't know you or have never met you but life is strange like that, some things my mind will never make sense of and Im okay with that, it actually adds to the mystery and wonder.
I totally understand what you mean by the more I learn the less I know, Ive come to the conclusion I know nothing, which in a way is a great relief.
I often visit graveyards too, I like looking into the past and connecting with people who have been here before me. There's a special one where a family lost 4 children in the space of 2 years each dying on seperate dates, the parents wrote the most beautiful message on their headstones (about god taking their buds to grow in his garden) the positive attitude these people had about such a tragedy really inspires me, so I took some flowers there not long ago and told them thank you for sharing their story with me.
My brother is buried in a graveyard very similar to the one you describe, its on a headland and overlooks the sea, I've gone there in times of turmoil and a feeling of peace washes through me, taking all the pain away (maybe I should go see him again).
I was driving today and thought of you (strange hey) and you know what I felt, I felt there's someone similar to me out there, feeling the same things as I do. I've met many people, great ones like the ones on this site, but I've never felt anyone really got me, until now that is.
It really helps to know your out there somewhere my friend.
Thanks heaps for connecting with me, I love you hey : )

Hi Zac, to get to where you are in life you do know somethings. I think, knowing you don't know everything is what matters. We are all one with the universe and so I think we all have the answers we need within ourselves, if we look for them at the time we need them. Ask yourself (Show me). For the most part it works for me. There is not always and answer and this is when I have to pay close attention to the ego, so that it does not lead me astray.
Zac you mentioned your brother and how visiting him helped you, sounds like a good idea to visit him. Today I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my brother who pasted away a year ago and that my friend made me think of what you wrote here about yours. So you see it is like you said, life is funny that way.

much love bro

Absolutely!
The difficulty we can have communicating at times is the english language.
To 'know' something may mean a different things to different people. The 'know' I was referring to is the mind trying to make sense of things, which i say it never can. You can never know the absolute truth of anything, just a human perspective unique to you. Which I also say is an extremely limited view of reality.
Whereas here at openhand they use the word 'know' in relation to the flow of the soul, when you absolutley know something to the core of your being.
Its the same word but two totally different experiences.
A better way would be matrix style where we could tap into someones consciousness and share their actual experience of what their communicating, but technology in this world is extremely primitive, relative to other inteliigent entities Ive met from other worlds. But as kd said here we are.
I always ask 'show me' I get a pull and just go with it, whilst the egos saying what are doing? We cant do this? This is crazy?
Then another voice comes in saying 'hang on little one we're going for a ride'
The more I follow the pull, eventually the resistance gives in.
This probly makes no sense but who cares hey.
The main thing is what I feel now and I got no more words.
cu bro ; )

I have so enjoyed witnessing the sharing on this thread…the song you posted Zac spoke to me deeply at a point that I really needed to hear it…Freedom! yes, that is the journey to me…free from all the chains that I so intricately wound around myself, and steadily, sometimes explosively, sometimes ever so gently I shake them off, I am that which can’t be chained. Thank you all for sharing your many ways of connecting to, remembering who you are…the beautiful majestic trees…breathing each other in and out…the tiniest insects…feeling out with their teeny antennae…the soaring eagle, leaving his gifts in the form of a feather…the connection to all those who have journeyed here. You are all such magical, beautiful souls.

If I may share a bit of what is happening for me at the moment….it wants to be shared here =)
A major question is wanting to arise every moment within me and not be denied, walked around, compromised…"Is this me?"

Reflecting on the current way of relating with the other…I was recently asked what the positive feedback loops are within that. At first I would say not much at this point…but upon further witnessing and reflecting I see that I enhanced and refined Ray 2 and 4 by the way he reflected these to me…a mixture of truth and distortion in those. I have learned what it is to fully embrace the other as they are being now from being in his presence, how to feel out and find ways of being that can dance together somewhat.

BUT a powerful yearning is screaming out to the reflection to show me what it is to not accommodate, to not compromise, to be who YOU really are no matter what. Inside I yearn to be challenged, for the line…for the boundary, for the courage to take a chance, to stand in your own truth and not budge to hold onto perceived need. This is what I am invited to be. I see the deep sense of loyalty and commitment in the other, but it’s not toward Self…it’s outwardly focused…huge reflection for me.

So that particular mirror is not reflecting what my soul is yearning to express now, it’s reflecting what I am not feeling to be right now.

So this is the question I have emblazoned within…Is this me? and the only answer is feeling for my own core vibration in it all…no more compromise of who I am…and that is moment to moment…pulling it all in. Let’s see what unfolds from there.

Yeaaa!
You express that so well Jen.
When I ask that question "who am I?" The next question is always "well whos asking" which then makes me laugh.
I say its a fundamental question to ask, no one knows the answer.
Be wary of anyone who says they do.
It a question for you and you only to explore.
Im taking alot from what you said! "The courage to be yourself no matter what!" Major goosebumps happening!
Go for it and dont let anyone stand between you and your freedom to express who you truelly are.
NO MATTER WHAT
Thats true commitment right there

hey Zac! You know I really love your energy ...the authenticity, whether its in the pits of density or tap dancing through with what feels like zaps of spontaneous multicolored lights...it's really an experience I enjoy witnessing...so thank you for being you!!

yeah! I appreciate the reflection...and the gusto behind it!

Is this me...feels like a naturally arising urge to bring all expression in line with what feels authentically "me"....noone can really stand in the way of that unless I let them....which I do in some areas...this energy builds though and the more "i" hold the river back, the stronger it wants to come through. There doesn't feel like there is really any stopping it.

Jen x

Thanks Jen!
I hit some major highs and lows relative to some but that's how I roll, its the maddest ride eva!!!
It may seem extreme to some but put it this way, it aint boring.
As long I dont get stuck or attached to the role its fresh and I was taught that long ago. The same rule always applies, all I have to do is stay present (keep out of it otherwords) and the flow of consciousness my existance is will handle the rest.
Its when people get identified to their role and try to force an outcome I see them get in trouble.
The outcome of this world is of no consequence. Eternity is ETERNITY.
I see it as a cosmic game of hide and seek and some you win some you lose. But I say again, eternity is eternity!
And to quote a line from one of my favourite movies:
"In the world of kung-fu, speed determines the winner"
Bam!

Ever feel like you want to run from it all.... Just fly off like a bird and never come back? I feel like that right now... Tired of engaging and feeling how to be in it....part of me is experiencing frustration around being a mother and what that means...i can't get away from it...and I realize I drew it to me to grow and learn but so much of it doesn't feel like me.

So, how to continue to engage with the kids and release myself from the limitations I feel around being a mother ... Surely I can fly while engaging here.... But I do feel that strong urge to get out as its all very dense and tight.... And yet that's just my reflection.

Hi Jen,

Yes I know that all too well. A shift that occurred within was the perception of defining the role I played. I have come to see my role as a mentor and guide within this realm towards my sons thus emotionally and mentally allowing more of where I am at different points in time to evolve into a more aligned sense of beingness that feels right.

Now, I feel very grounded within the creation of the "home" that's created like a nest where the nurturing is easy. Boundaries come to mind. I had to let go of the imposed ideas that I became conditioned to operate within that felt unnatural when I had all the ideas associated of what a mother should be. Yes, I play the role of a mother but do I define the role and allow my rays of beingness to shine through or does the role define my experience? It's just a different stage to dance upon. I am ok if my sons feel the realities of this world, it's why they are here as well. Protection comes to mind.

I recently expressed how the Openhand retreats have embraced the cosmic being, as we all speak the same language. Going back to the time we were on the pier experiencing soul motion, aware of the ocean and the rising sun, all the life flowing. It was so amazing to let go of words so briefly as we all were being. Each of us accountable for our own energy and the expression through the body as we moved simultaneously yet independently. Then back into the confines of three D reality.... I understand there is no fault, it is a moving caging reality that us birds zoom out from yet our human vessels are grounded within. It's real to experience that challenge.

I had a realization last night as I have been contemplating much, how difficult it is to return once we are set free.... Then the thought, I chose to come here(earth). I may choose not to come back but I may choose to come back to experience the challenge within the density, to have experiences through the human senses... is amazing while simultaneously tragic but truly those are just words that each has a free will to experience as each reference points are different.

Much love to you Jen
Erica

Hi Jen

You can find a flow with the kids that's sacred and connected but it would be about honouring what feels right in each moment - not sticking to schedules, ticking all the boxes to perfect motherhood. Are you able to bring the kids with you on this journey - can you free-wheel with them, do you wake up with nothing in the agenda? I only ask because the only way I can be with my children is to take each day as it comes and the more we journey together the flow deepens around and within our connections - this way i don't feel like a mum anymore just part of this movement together.
Xx

In reply to by erica r

Hi Erica and Katie,

So good to connect with you here and thank you each for your wise words.

I continue to grow in acceptance of each of my children's paths...constantly letting go of the need to be the role of mother versus a guardian at this stage...and yet I know that there are still levels of control that arise.

What I feel frustration around is that part of me doesn't feel right at all in this capacity of "mother". There are areas that I have yet to get it quite right in how to not control, but still set boundaries. It's a work in progress...like you mentioned, about the experience of soul motion we shared, where we three were in our experience, shared, yet individual.

Yes, part of me, just wants to zoom way out and not even engage in all of the drama at all...but similar to what you said Erica, I am here in this to engage and certainly to claim some aspects of me buried in this dynamic.

Katie - yes, you are right, this is what feels true and right. I look back at the program I loaded them up with when they were little...plan, plan, plan, playdates, schedules, lots of friends, always something to do, do, do... strange looking back on that time and what made me be that way. These days it is quite different - much more space in the day, less plan, more open to what comes up. This was hard for me at first as I felt I was suppose to be the "activities director" and the "creator of novel childhood experiences" hahaha. The trouble I find is that I feel stuck here...I am use to being able to head off to walk or go to the beach, but noone wants to go anywhere - they just want to play here in the house all day...and it's loud and chaotic and making me a bit nuts =)! Sounds like I have some stuff to work on!!
In particular, the need to get out, to escape the noise but also to escape the seeming mundane and to fill time. Feeling like this is inviting me to see and work with my distractions.

I have not free wheeled with them...you know what though, I am going to see how I might approach this...something to explore!

There is also an element of compromise that we all have to practice as it's rare that four people all feel the same and want to engage the same way at that moment.

I will work on these things ladies - thank you for your lovely replies. I am so grateful and so happy to hear that you have been able to be in this in a way that feels right...it's very reassuring.

With love,
Jen

Dont forget Jen being a mum fits under the banner of 'no matter what' too.
I certainly cant relate but I can relate to having to do things which dont fit under the banner of me, I just do what the universe requires of me regardless of peoples opinions including my own.
You supported me 'no matter what'which is more than I can say for others! You saw through the exterior and now so do I with you.
Smash this mother role out, you got this but never define yourself to it. Im cheering you on from the sideline friend.
No matter what ; )

Yes indeed! We have to let go of such definitions - such judgments - as 'father', 'mother'. They're just suits of armor, constraining who we are.

But letting go of the definition doesn't mean we loose the truthful committed compassion at the heart of it. The truthful way of being is what remains.

Yes others will struggle at first. But we don't have to struggle!

Open :-)

Hey Zac and Open,

Ahhh yes! It is so amazing to have the truth reflected back ... To not be supported in distortion.. Thank you!!! And yes this absolutely fits under "no matter what" as well! =)

Of course yes, who here wants to escape and get out of the circumstances? But, the truth in it is letting go of where this mother identity is acting... It's challenging when the family has become accustomed to it all. I see in this expression a yearning to strip away what is not real in this as it no longer feels tolerable within to be managing, directing, controlling.

Dreamt last night that I was riding an elevator at mock speed ... It was completely clear ... I arrived at an airport where I discovered I had no passport and no ID and thought I won't be able to travel and yet I witnessed others being able to travel without their ID....perfect support of what we are saying here.... Traveling without ID!

Much love,
Jen

Set out on a journey to Ireland today... Landed in a hotel in North Carolina for the night =)... Not what was expected for sure! What an adventure it has been to just embrace it all... Floating in the sky in a holding pattern (yes recognize that pattern) and yet why is that happening... In the midst of it, all I could feel was total okness with the holding pattern and a recognition of its purpose... the opportunity to experience... So many rich connections today... Hundreds of people not able to go where they thought today... All waiting in line to find their connection or their bags and I found myself not waiting for anything, just connecting where I was... So many meaningful moments shared! So much joy!

What struck me most was witnessing the shared beauty of acceptance within everyone I engaged with... We were all just here in this place together and connecting beyond the seeming problem of being stuck somewhere we didn't plan on. There was just this shared experience and an opportunity to be here. Somehow there is just pure joy ...and how funny I am on my way to meet Kim and I meet another Kim with whom I have the most beautiful shared moments with... The Universe just blows my mind! After we skirted the storms, a brilliant rainbow appeared out the plane window and just felt like pure magic.

This song played today and I wanted to share as it just vibed so beautifully with what I am feeling and how it was floating up high!

Maybe tomorrow... Ireland =)

Hi All,

There has been a reticence to write as it feels like it will disperse the energy I am feeling so writing without getting lost in how it sounds etc...just what is coming up...I am realizing how often I turn off and go into a sleepy place of disengagement. I have also realized that I often get identified with feeling...whether that is a blissy warm bath of inner love or a tight contracted smallness. I see now where I have been and am seeing how I am not that, but can allow it all to flow through, feel it but not be lost in it. Seems obvious,,,but there is a subtle shift inside. Oh my god, the waves of just warmth are indescribable...I feel I am on an adventure - tonight a date with myself - I feel magic in the air.

Abandonment is a word I am exploring...when I breathe into my heart I feel the deepest ache ...I see the fear of that experience in every moment that I engage with others...I see the abandonment of Self that happens instead...the anxiety I have been feeling is coming to be seen as suppression...becuase of this fear. I realize it's in the moment that I can confront this - it's the most challenging place for me...I may as well be walking on physical nails. And yet, I feel this strength in me...a part of me that's always been there and expressed comfortably when I was a child but now is held back. So, onward in this journey...love to you all here. <3

Bubbles....pop! Eventually... Denial only brings it to a more destructive shift. I am in this... There is a massive bubble in my solar plexus... Synchronistically today I went to a little cafe called Sweet Peas and there was mommy and me yoga going on and bubbles floating in the air for the little ones to enjoy... Ironic realizing now that I was there with my own mother and remembering the waitress telling me how she loves to use Zorbs which are big clear bubbles you can climb inside of and roll around.

Feeling into this bubble .. It presses out into my ribs and fills the entire middle of my body....I feel an ache in my sacrum and heart, tightness in my jaw and throat. I realized this bubble is everything I am holding on to.. Protecting it from popping. I see a girl inside holding this bubble and giving it energy, just little bits... Enough to keep it going. There is a ton of stuff in there and the pressure is growing. What a jumble...life keeps handing me the pin and somehow I keep swallowing it and avoiding the pop, but it's popping anyway in my physical health, in my emotional state, in my mental clarity. That's how it seems anyway. Tuning in.... Vulnerability arises and an invitation to be completely honest... Seeing how selfish this feeding of little bits is...

What am I truly resisting?
Rawness of feeling abandoned, alone, left behind, not included

When I contemplate the step toward what I am resisting I feel the truth in it... I look up and 3:33 is on the clock.

All life seems to be inviting now is complete honesty ... What a challenge it is.

Thank you for allowing the space to share here... It just feels good to express this right now. Love, jen

An aspect inside wants to shut down...it is strong and it has been acting within for such a long time. Just wants to cut off, "not care", toughen up and don't show anyone how you really feel. Though in this I also feel the Soul keeping it open, knowing that every place I seek for external validation is a place I am disempowered and yet, it doesn't serve me to close down either. So I share today to continue to work with this...I know that I am somewhat on my own right now...and that brings tears, but I know it's also not true and that being in the "lone space" is the place of connection to the all of it inside.

All of life is encouraging me to open, to be intimate with all of life, with all of me. To BE SEEN and to TRUST in myself...two directional flows one into the protective unseen unloved unfulfilled - the other to just soften through, though it feels more like a firey hell then a soft cushiony place...and that is just how it is isn't it? On this side of what scares us the most, on this side of patterning that is so ingrained that it feels like it would take the force of the Universe to come through it.

Everything is moving in, coming closer than I feel conmfortable with...the frogs, the fish, the squirrels, the birds and they are saying Embrace yourself, be HONEST about who you are, TRUST it is enough to navigate through whatever fire, whatever choppy seas.

It can't be just words though..I have KNOWN this...one thing I can say is I am not distracting myself from it and I am feeling the fuillness of how heavy it is to disappear. I share here only to not play games with it...to not shut down or disappear.

Much love to you all here and for the space that's held.

Deep gratitude,
Jen

PS .. Synchronicity showing me perhaps there is truth in disappearing... Who is disappearing? Also the sharing may be distancing me from the rawness of the feeling... Containment feels important now... Perhaps it is time to be with the energies without dissipating in conversation. <3

I hear you. You have come to mind and heart recently. Before being on the site or reading this just now.
I see you. I felt the same Being behind me as you and we sat next to each other without exchange or sharing or working together in the studio in the summer but we cried the same tears. Beyond the sharing and before the sharing. That connection. That connection feels like a thread. A knowing and a happening from beyond the chatter where there is no need for Will to hold. You touch me there. Whatever you are/ I am, there was already a place where i am with you. You, we, all that is, are not alone - within this emptiness. Xxxx

Thank you Dear Jane... There are so many tears the screen is blurry .... It feels like a voice from a distant place reached out through space and time to both feel more of the ache and to just add a little sparkle to my heart and I thank you... With love, Jen

Dear Trinity... yes... stay open. So much is arising just from not desensitizing in one form or another. Feeling and working with every single tightness that arises. Thank you <3 Jen

Jen! SiStar!

I applaud your courage for expressing and speaking out when it feels safer to retreat, hide, and disappear. I know that feeling well. It's not easy when one feels so vulnerable. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced similar feelings and how many times in my life that I did disappear and fade away, feeling like I was bound with my mouth taped shut. I still don't find it easy to stand, express, be out there and visible. It's a constant process of emerging from the shadows into the light. I've learned so much from all your sharings and beautiful vulnerability. Thank you.

Keep shining,

Much Love,

Cathy

Hi Jen,

Again you express so beautifully and vulnerably, it is now me that has the blurry screen through wet eyes.

I just wanted to say thank you, yet again what you share is a strong mirror and touches me deeply. I am with you.

With much love and gratitude,

Fiona

Dear Cathy and Fiona,

Feeling the threads of connection with you both is so incredibly heartwarming. There is so much that we all share isn't there? Vulnerability yes it's probably my self perceived great "weakness" that when embraced is great strength... in person it's not easy for me and I am sure many others as well... Hey but I know what I am working with and there are infinite opportunities to work with it =)

Just a little story to share... Months ago I picked up these patio pavers that I found on the side of the road. They stayed in my car for a while, then made it to the garage and there they have sat untouched for months. Suddenly today I felt the urge to paint and the pavers popped up as a medium. So I sit here now just painting two pavers ...HOME and FLY. Literally engaging with this heavy concrete and letting them transform into beautiful stepping stones in the garden... This is the potential of being with the heaviness... The beauty that unfolds through it.

Big love to you all,
Jen

Feeling incredibly vulnerable of late and super sensitive - not able to handle much in the way of confrontational direct energy. I am finding it very difficult to relate to people - and I find myself isolating and cocooning a bit. Relational patterns are arising in greater frequency, highlighting areas where I get stuck. Much of what is arising seems to be around people suggesting what I should do, giving me advice or my perception of the other having an agenda or seeking to prove something to me. I see I do this as well especially with my children and I recognize that much of what I am drawing is coming from the energy of looking for/needing answers from outside, lacking trust in the Divine. These situations that are triggering me feel energetically very spiky and intrusive and set off massive fight or flight inside to the point I can't breath or think clearly and I feel like I am pulled into a spinning vortex of intense sensation- It seems the only way through this is to obviously work on what is drawing the circumstances in the first place and to stay with and contain the sensations in the moment even if that means there is just total apparent social awkwardness. When I meditate on this I feel an intense but silent warrior energy inside of me... It's a very tangible energy and feels like one way of being in respond to the energy I speak of.

I'm feeling for you Jen - a challenging time, yes.

On a recent facilitator gathering in Glastonbury, we could feel the field shifting strongly. It's as though the very bedrock is becoming pliable. Maybe you're feeling this in relation to your personal circumstances.

Sending love

Open *give_rose*

Hey Open - thanks for the feedback.... Always so valuable to see aspects of a bigger picture reflected in the personal. Things feel lighter today... But I did notice that things peaked around a sense of being contained and pressurized ... Through some feeling in and allowing the fear, anger, and frustration to surface, how I am being is coming through differently .... It feels like there is much more to go, but for now there is a greater sense of freedom flowing.

Much love,
Jen

Whoa I have felt seriously challenged this week to rise to the occasion and speak for myself... To make a clear boundary and to confront a very difficult situation.... I had amazing support to do so and feel very empowered in coming through it yet still some uneasiness around how it is received. The overriding feeling though is one of empowerment. Just so grateful for the integrity and clarity of the Openhand energy and the way Openhand the organization and people carry themselves... Never quite realized just how special that is until now.... A million thanks for all you are!!!

I just love the synchronicity of "work in progress Jen" - the website only captured your title. Your connectivity must have timed out!

Open *give_rose*

In reply to by Open

Yes ... Just three words and you get the gist of it!! =)

A bit more of what I shared....
Last week the universe paired me up with a travel buddy on route to a training I attended... She shared so many qualities with me but also reflected a version of me with clear boundaries and no problem speaking up for herself. In addition she was more receptive and quiet than me in areas that helped me see my own assertiveness, decisiveness and great sense of humor (LOL!)

There were multiple occasions where I spoke up for myself within the context of the training relating to perceptions about empaths as well as a strong need within half the group to hug, touch, take away people's feelings. These were not easy but I felt compelled to speak up and felt tremendous support to do so... I was shaking and my throat wanted to close down but my voice came from deep within strong and steady.

I did find a limitation within myself though regarding boundaries and this came down to how I respond when there is a mixture of connection and intrusion (verbally and physically containing an overly intimate energy). There was no getting lost in this nor did I reciprocate the energy in any way directly. I spoke up at one point saying that the intensity of the energy was too intense and to give me more space. However there was a general sexualized energy made as jokes toward the group and to me directly and in the moment I mainly contained it and basically accommodated it. Only after I left did I feel how I truly felt from the encounters... Everything thawed out and rushed up to the surface. I was able to confront it then with those involved and have processed a ton this past week related to my own over accommodation due to fear of loss of connection to something in the external world. I have also found difficulty in grounding fully and realized I have been carrying a deep sense that Gaia rejects me and doesn't want me to be here... That is beginning to unravel as I realize that I am the one rejecting the connection, not fully landing here and not wanting to be here. For as long as I can remember, being alive carried a sick, unfulfilling, disconnected feeling from which I would like to escape. And here is the crux of it... I can't escape and if I continue to not fully land then I am disconnected from myself and unable to make clear boundaries and unable to be in it and not of it. So I am working with embracing being here.

Since I wrote this earlier today ... With the synchronistic loss of connection... I went rollerblading, hit a small rock and went flying in the air and landed really hard on my butt.... Searing pain went up my entire spine to my head.... There were many offers of support but I didn't accept any of them as I didn't feel like I needed any help... I felt confused why I am experiencing being slammed on the ground from the tiniest of obstacles. I got in the car and the song "lean on me" was playing on a channel called "the dove" with "rock" for type of music. Still not clear about this but feels about connecting to the support that is there for me. I'd like to "get this one" as its getting more painful here... Though I am much more attentive and present in the body now that it's hurting.

Thanks for sharing Jen,

Well done on speaking up for empaths, not easy :) I can appreciate what you say about the boundaries, it's so important not to allow others to intrude, I love that you asked for more space.

You seem to be having many powerful realisations, I appreciate you being here, how you work with stuff and your sharing (f)

What stood out for me in the last paragraph is that you didn't accept any of the support offered, I just felt to reflect that back to you. Something also about the contrast between the dove and the rock. I'm sure it will become clearer for you...

With love and big hugs, Fiona

Thanks for sharing Jen - beautiful :-)

Of course one of the great challenges of being an empath, is getting lost in the energy of people and surroundings - as you well know <3

When you said...

    "I got in the car and the song "lean on me" was playing on a channel called "the dove" with "rock" for type of music.

The words "Twin Flame" jumped out really strongly for me in this. Maybe it's about really finding and integrating the sense of Twin Flame here and now - seeing it all around and embodying it fully. That might help ease the pain of dissolving into the world.

Wishing you well

Open *give_rose*

In reply to by Fiona Reilly

Hey Fiona - thank you for your sweet encouragement and support <3!

Yes, your comment helped me see a little something about the rock...something about my feeling of always having to be a rock...sure and steady and solid -how this is part of little "i" identity as these sure, steady, solid qualities are only illusions anyway and the need to be that is "tripping me up". There is something about allowing others to support without becoming dependent...letting go of needing to have it all together without becoming too influenced by others or situations. There is a balance that I have not yet found and some kind of truth in the solidity, inner assurance without rigidity that I am playing with. I feel that energy inside myself and how positively people respond to it..it's a certain kind of fire rather than the water/wind I usually feel.

The dove is really helpful for me as well as it is on the cover of a book I recently read and i have been tuned into their sound more recently.

Thank you Fiona!

Love,Jen

In reply to by Open

Thank you Open...Connection has been a big theme for me lately. I noticed my computer connection needed to be completely upgraded lately...new modem and a loose wire in the power cord. I replaced the cord only to get another one with the same problem...so I see I have not resolved this inside myself. I find I don't always pick up on the expanded sense of things when I am in the company of people or chatting...I zoom in too far and miss the subtleties.

I will keep working with it...thank you Open <3

Love, Jen

Hey Jen,

Thanks for sharing. These words jumped out for me as part of my own process "allowing others to support without becoming dependent." This is certainly something that I have been working with, accepting support when it is right to do so, though not having expectations of others either. There is a fine balance to work with between being ultra independent and so somewhat closed off (as I sometimes tend to be, maybe that's similiar to the rock) and being dependent and/or expectant of others. I've noticed that when I am requiring support and can remain open, the Universe provides and I am given exactly the support I need, often in ways I wouldn't have predicted or even imagined.

Let that fire burn ;)

With love, Fiona

Hi Jen,

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to a lot of the things you shared, particularly boundaries, connection and having to be a rock! So thank you for putting it out here on the forum for me to resonate with!

Love,

Marije

In reply to by Fiona Reilly

Hi Fiona and Tulip... I feel there is more here to open to. What is it that creates the need to be so independent, to be a rock and for me at times unable to receive. Some of it is being resistant to becoming dependent/getting lost in others flow. For me it is becoming clear that deep inside I feel I am a burden... That even those who love me, even benevolent guidance, Gaia, any etheric or physical "friends" actually don't have room for me and my "job" is to be as small and unproblematic as possible. This identity has created a view of being a problem, of not being truly worthy of being loved unless I am easy to be with. And yet, that doesn't suit who I am or even feel like me at all ...It's in complete conflict with how I actually feel to relate to people, to the world, within; though it is coloring the way I relate all the time. It's hard to touch the feeling of this as it feels like as soon as I touch it, it vanishes and I am distracted to a sense of blankness... No feeling, no thought. Much more to explore here- thank you all for vibing with me! And yes Fiona I love what you said about the Universe providing when you remain open and of course receptive to that support! I would be curious to hear about your experiences around needing to be a rock or self sufficient or not open to receiving support if you would like to share =)

Much love,
Jen

Ahh Jen, never a burden... not ever... you are a gift, a blessing, you bring beautiful truth and energy. You are perfect, how could you not be and the world is ready to embrace you.

I relate... I recently found myself looking at an aspect of myself who was younger, ashen, hiding under a hood and behind a tree, meagre and scared and as I looked deeply into this aspect of myself, my heart welled with compassion, I listened, felt and nurtured before she would come out from behind the tree. She started to trust that I was honouring her, and she started to feel heard, seen and safe, she took a tentative step forward; we embraced and she wanted to re-integrate, to become whole again and to do that I had to make some promises, I had to promise to nurture, love and embrace myself as the beautiful being that I am, to be gentle, compassionate, lighter...
And she integrated, beautiful, emotional, true. She came with a rabbit which was gentle and wanted to be loved and cared for. Remembering to honour my promise took a little while to become natural and so I would synchronistically see rabbits when I needed a nudge and a reminder. This integration and new way of being opened up flow, deeper connection and an inner strength. Embracing a wounded aspect of me; bringing love, nurturing and acceptance. I didn't fully understand where it stemmed from I just honoured and embraced the feeling.

Thank you so much for your post. I relate so much to what you have shared, with the empathy and wanting to help people and finding the boundaries within that. Feeling the pain of others and trusting when it feels 'right' to help and how to do that (especially as I am training in a healing practise at the mo) and practicing centering to flow with intuition in the moment with that. But it feels as though it is all starting to land.

The shot of pain that seared up your spine stands out for me. To me the energy of it felt re-connective somehow. A jolt, jumpstart maybe...

My kids are struggling at the mo, processing around the loss of their Dad is starting to come up. So tough watching them go through this aspect of their journey, feeling their pain and surrendering to it.
Recently my Son got physical and I ended up with an injury to my shin. It was the greatest blessing, I felt to look up the metaphysical meaning and it talked about not having fully grieved and not moving forward fluidly, it showed me a situation which I was able to let go of which was not serving. Creating space for this to unravel and ever since, help and support have started to flow in :-)

I love the lightness and energy of the dove, feels like a beautiful free vibration. Thank you so much for sharing, for all that you are and all that you bring.

Winging over love and deep compassion for unravelling

Michelle x

Dear Michelle,

Your words come through as waves of feeling..thank you for your touching sharing, relating and experience - it is so beautiful and heart warming. Even hearing the words, "you are not a burden" are challenging to let in...I hear the tough exterior of me say, Yes, I know I am not a burden, but the softer part tuned into authentic inner feeling receives that and has a hard time believing it...reminds me of that scene in Good Will Hunting that has been shared on this site before.

When I fell I reflected on how I hadn't scraped my hands like this since I was a kid...that burning hot, scraped up feeling that happens when you are trying new things, falling, getting up and trying again. Just a couple days before this my youngest son was teaching me how to skatebaord and encouraging me to try his ripstick..which is a skateboard with only two wheels that requires a lot of balance and a movement through the hips. I was so scared to lift my right foot off the ground, because I didn't want to fall and he just said..."it's ok if you fall mom". When you said the word "jolt" I laughed a little as I am wearing a pair of pants today with the word Jolt written on the label. It did in fact feel like a wake up call...I fell really hard on the ground but actually with very little injury (falling on the cushiest part of my body haha)...I thought I might feel jarred and out of alignement but oddly although my bottom is sore, the rest of me feels loose and fine. There is a fear of falling/failing that holds back my full expression and this fall also showed me so much about that as well. Thank you for sharing about what is happening for you and how you worked with the injury to your shin...it's helped me be more open to receiving the messages of this fall.

Yes, I relate to what you share about this disowned aspect as I have many dreams of a young boy I left behind in the forest - I disown him, or at times I realize I left him behind too long and I find him emaciated, sad and lonely. I see the part of me that doesn't allow access to this - it's a protective layer that may have served a purpose at one point. I feel there is an invitation to bring more awareness and openness to this armoring, to let it step aside so that this sensitive, yet wounded aspect can integrate. It does feel that all of this is moving closer...embracing it all.

When I was in the training that I went to, it wasn't me who was wanting to take people's pain away, it was people in the group wanting to take away mine until I had to say out loud, "I am ok with the pain, I welcome it and allow myself to feel it so that I can move through it"...but I also see a refelction in what you shared in that subtley inside there is a part of me that protects this feeling of being a burden - that deflects and whites out the feeling whenever it arises. This showed up as others trying to protect me from the feeling. I tend to err on the side of not stepping in at all...being a bit cold and what you said here is something I am feeling out as well... "Feeling the pain of others and trusting when it feels 'right' to help and how to do that (especially as I am training in a healing practise at the mo) and practicing centering to flow with intuition in the moment with that." Clearly allowing the full feeling of the authentic feelings that exist under the protective layer is essential..and to allow this disowned aspect of me to come back home.

I love your experience with the rabbits! I have a special blue stone rabbit and a red glass cardinal that I keep with me that remind me of aspects of myself...gentle & sensitive, and free to express who I am, show up in full color and let the Soul be the compass. These animals encourage greater embodiement of who I am.

Sincerest thanks for your willingness to share all of this and for your beautiful energy =)

Much love,
Jen

Hi Jen and Michelle,

I don't have much time just now as on my way to host a women's midwinter retreat. I just wanted to thank you both for your deep sharing, I am touched. I feel you both and send lots of love. I will light a candle for you in our circle and feel connected.

Btw Jen your question helped greatly, Will share more when get chance.

With much love, Fiona xx

Beautiful Fiona - thank you for bringing us into the cirlce with you and what is sure to be a lovely women's retreat!

So, today I spent some amazing time in nature in silence...the vibration was just astounding...crystallized sparkling, crisp, the sound and feel of it sparkling within me. I could only hear the little movements of birds moving around on the tree branches and leaves as they fell to the ground. How different it is to walk by myself (as much as I enjoy the company of friends) it is an alltogether different feeling. I sat for quite sometime at a crossroads where the walking path and the horses path meet and kept feeling and hearing the sense of a stallion toward me in the corner of my left eye...just outside the place where the physical eye could focus. so powerful and radiant a feeling

I am finding new nimbleness, fluidity, responsiveness in my legs and hips as I play with my son's two wheel skateboard...I am getting it!!! Some things I noticed that are brought out by playing with this way of moving in the world....I have to ground strongly into my left foot and leg on the board before I bring the right foot off the ground and place it on the board as well. I have to move slowly at first and just find balance...when I am really present and sensitive, then I can "duck and swerve" a bit if I begin to fall off or the board slides out from under me. It's taking some practice to find the movement in the hips and feet...there is a special kind of leaning in and out of each foot and it's not very natural yet...I DID get it once and it felt like riding a wave...so cool!!!! Learning so much with this exploration!!

Love to you all!
Jen

Dear Jen,

I have been drawn to crosses / crossroads too. Reading your sharing I had a sense of you sitting at the centre with energies flowing in and out, across and through. For me I recently saw two aeroplane trails crossing over reflected in my car window and another cross reflected in water. It felt poignant that the crosses were directly above me, 'x' marks the spot, the centre, the here and now and also reflective that the 'x' was a reflection both times, the centre flowing from above and reflecting below, through the different dimensions, a point in space and time. Then it dropped in about the flows of the divine masculine and divine feminine too, crossing over, finding the balance, and for me right now how I am being invited to bring in and flow through the Divine Feminine, 'xx', flowing more gently, gracefully and deeply... nurturing, feeling, healing and balancing...

There is an orange street light on day and night, right outside my house at the mo too, the universe reminding me to shine the light on and through the sacral.

I felt the balance of masculine and feminine reflected through your boarding experience; centring/grounding with your left foot and bringing the right foot to join it - beautiful <3 Riding the wave, awesome!!

Going back to the young boy you sometimes dream of, I was reminded of a tool that I sometimes use and wonder if you have come across it: Whereby you re-enter/journey into a dream from a meditative place and shine light and awareness on it.... open your heart to it.... and open to what is being invited. Just felt to share <3 as I have been where you are with regard to the challenge of letting words of love and kindness come in.

With an expanded heart full of love and connection

Michelle xxx

In reply to by Michelle Boyle

Dear Michelle,

I love the way you describe these crossroads...especially the "centre flowing from above and reflecting below, through the dimensions, a point in space and time". You perceive in a way that I relate too - thank you for sharing these insights!
The horse has been speaking to me strongly since I sat at the meeting place of horse and human. That night my daughter and I watched a film called "Windstorm" about a dark horse that would not be contained, whose wild spirit was untamable. In the story a free spirited young girl who can attune to and communicate with the horse forms a special bond with the animal through feeling and shared internal images there is a resonance and a dance that allows them to journey together. In the movie, four aspects needed to be developed before she could even begin to ride with the horse...Balance, Coordination, Rhythm and Perseverance...which all speak of being very much rooted in the body and finding fluidity in all of it - allowing a deeper sense of connection multidimensionally.

You mentioned a tool to re-enter the dream I have of the young boy. It's great that you mention that as I was recenly drawn to a book on my shelf that I read years ago called "Dreaming the Soul Back Home". It suggests a method like you spoke of above. I have at times explored this boy within meditation as I have found him behind a big ballon in my solar plexus and when I let the air out of the balloon, he was there slumped under a tree...when I spoke to him and asked what he needed he expressed that he wanted to love me if I would let him. Lately the "purple heart" has been coming up...in fact it was the reason my inital post about boundaries (above) wouldn't go through - because there was a purple heart emoji that doesn't let the message come through. (And as I say that perhaps that's what won't allow your message of "not being a burden" to be completely allowed in...the purple heart is given by the US military when wounded in service.) Yesterday I was at a restaurant and attention was drawn to a man carrying a purse and then I noticed his purple jacket that said Order of the Purple Heart and then another separate man with a t-shirt on that said "wounded warrior project" - with a tattoo of a blue bird on his arm. Your sharing and refelctions have been immensely supportive and I will be exploring more deeply what I am being shown...more about the wounded and disowned masculine within and the dance of feminine and masculine energies on many levels.

Deep gratitude and big love to you,
Jen

I wonder do any of you feel like you have to be super strong all the time? I don't want to be, it's exhausting...it feels like if I am not right on top of everything, super focused and hyper vigilant then I get underneath the world and it just swamps me, beats me down. The other alternative is lifting up the anchor and sailing off into lala land LOL. Lately I have been really working with being grounded and what that now brings is awareness of the pain I am carrying around...just heaviness, meaninglessness, confusion, not wanting to be here, not wanting to deal with all these boundary issues, not wanting to feel like I am in a constant battle. I notice my shoulders are constantly rising and caving in around my heart...there is so much tightness in my shoulders. When I place my hands on them and breathe deeply, I feel a sorrow and a burden deep below the surface that I don't seem to have complete access to. Seeking some balance...I have been drawn more into practicing yoga again and more soul motion which is all helping to stay connected to the body, feel the tightness, but connect to the lightness as well. It's a delicate dance to feel it all and not get sucked completely into blahhhhh. I wonder what it would be like to be here, and let go of the need to be strong...feels like a lot of water behind that dam.