Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).

Comments

Hi Jen,

I just wanted to share that when I read the following you wrote above, there was so much resonance! Internally I was like 'Yes.... yes .... yes .....' with each of the feelings that you listed. 

Not ok to be you What u say or think is not right There is something wrong with you What you want or need doesn't matter What you think or feel doesn't matter Being smothered and snuffed out Have to fight to exist - to be

I wonder whether I also have karma around being suppressed in some kind of prison? I can see how a lot of these feelings go back to my parents and my upbringing, that there was no room for me and my feelings there, but only for the version of me that they needed for their own good. As a result I became very good in adjusting to circumstances and needs of others, while pushing myself to the background. 

I am currently with my parents and it brings all those feelings right back to the surface! It gets me to a point, where I start questioning any of the 'spiritual' practices that I have done over the years, including Openhand, because it feels like I am still stuck in the exact same place as before, and I can't see how to get out of it, other than moving far away from them (as I have already done several times before). Perhaps the only difference now compared to before is that there is a part of me observing the situation from a distance, watching the part of me that is trapped in playing along the role of 'the daughter'. Sometimes I question why I can't just step out of that role and be me in their presence, but from many attempts in the past to do so, I know that the only thing that will result in is conflict and forceful ways from their side to push me back into the role where they need me.... So I avoid the conflict, but meanwhile it feels like instead the conflict is raging on inside of me as internal tightness and rage can be such a difficult emotion to express...!

Heart

Dear Jen and Aphroheidi,

Jen, once again, your sharing touches strings of strong resonance within me, and I'm beginning to sense a powerful connection between our stories. You said,

Like you my mothers birth with me was very challenging... I got stuck in the birth canal for very long time and was pulled out with forceps. This mirrors to me the reticence to be in the world and the sense that I will be forced to do what I am not ready to do. I will be overpowered. 

About a year ago, I experienced a regression to what felt like my mother's womb. I was lying in there, preparing to enter the world, and I was not at all excited about it. I knew what was waiting for me out there, and I was not at all happy about having to experience it (again). There was a feeling of acceptance present as well, the knowing that it was something I had to do, but not the confidence that I could handle it, that I was ready. It was as if I knew I would be overpowered by it. The feeling translated as - OK, I will go out there and do my lessons, but I'm not gonna like it!

The moment I uttered those words internally, I immediately understood what one of my biggest life lessons was - to learn to love or at least like life (on Earth). As this dawned on me, I felt a big part of me squirm inside, begging - Ask anything of me, but NOT that!

Consequently, one of my greatest life challenges has been to experience joy in life. I can feel everything else to the point of explosion inside, sadness, compassion, anger, love etc, but joy and happiness I struggle with. There is resistance. That's partly why I'm so inspired by you, Aphroheidi. Your free flowing expression of joy really intreagues me, especially since you've also had your fair share of adversities in life, just like I have.

About 6 months after this experience, I made contact with my soul family for the first time. It happened after one of these 'collapses' that I described above. I was on the floor in foetal position, feeling utterly abandoned, this time not by a particular figure, but by consciousness itself. (It was actually shortly after the experience at the theatre that I shared in the other thread.) A voice said, get up and meditate! So I did, and as I deeply surrendered into that intense pain of being alone and abandoned, a passage opened up through it and on the other side, there they were - my entire soul family cheering me on. I wasn't alone. I had never been alone. In fact, I had a whole clan on my side. A feeling I had never known in this lifetime. It was a blissful reunion indeed.

I learned a few things from this reunion. I had recently passed a mammoth life test, involving a lifetime of direct attacks by reptilian entities and the dark force behind them. (This is sounding more and more like Star Wars, I know, but this is what my life looks like, LOL). It was passing this test that opened the gateway to a new experience of consciousness and eventually the link to my soul family. As I landed among them, I could feel how happy they were that I made it through. The feeling they expressed was one of - We knew you could do it! At the same time though as this was happening 'now', I could also remember what had happened 'then', before I incarnated. I felt like a 'child' soul in relation to the others in my soul family, slightly more immature. There was a strong sense of a lineage of highly evolved spiritual warriors, and I felt the same was expected of me. But I didn't feel the confidence that I could pass the tests they were urging me to come down and face. I felt I was too sensitive, and would be too easily overpowered (and I was, for many years). There was also a clear feeling that I had failed this particular test, perhaps several times, before. I agreed to come down and do my lessons of course, but with the stubbornness of a child I declared - But you can't make me like it!

As my journey continues, I'm beginning to recognise more and more mature aspects of myself, and I'm discovering I'm more evolved than I originally thought I was. Open says we all volunteered to come here at this time, and I believe that's true, even for me. It makes sense. So, I think there is much more to the above story than what I was given to see at that time. I think there was/is an immature aspect of my soul that I have had to acknowledge, but now I'm looking forward to remembering that brave part of me that stood up and said:

I'LL DO IT!

I can't believe I'm actually telling all of this, but you angels just crack me open. Lol.

Wishing you all the best in the upcoming New York intensive! May you go deep deep and beyond...Heart

Anastasia

 

 

Hi jen - sounds like a powerful one. Heart 

When I read your post, it activated visions of being suppressed in some kind of establishment, like some kind of holding 'prison'. Clearly some deep karma coming up here - sending support through that.

Much love

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open - thank you for offering the reflection. This is something I resonate with and have felt since I was a child... The sense that I will be falsely imprisoned and unable to prove my innocence. That's interesting as it's the inability to prove myself that gets extra energy... There's a fear of being completely taken over by another that causes me to be overly energized around criticism or questioning. It causes me to draw circumstances where I am run over or treated as insignificant. The energy isn't very palpable for this at the moment but it will come back around and these reflections help with being open to experiencing the waves as they arise. Thank you! 

With love,

Jen

Hi Anastasia - intutively it speaks of karma relating to birthing - giving birth.

Many women carry that due the nature in which modern day humanity was seeded.

It might be worth meditating and regressing into the sense of that.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for the input. Birthing karma, interesting! I’ll look into that.

Is it possible that even in this case it may be my mother’s birthing experience I carry? My first delivery was definitely a shock to my system, but I had so much help and support in dealing with it, both during and after. And when my second child arrived, I approached it in a completely different way, so it actually turned into a beautiful experience for me.

My mother on the other hand had an extremely traumatic, drawn out experience giving birth to me, and she was completely alone in it. No love or support, only judgement. Is it possible that I may be carrying subconscious guilt and distorted empathetic feelings for ‘causing’ her all that pain?

This journey is so complex at times 🤔

Thanks,

Anastasia

 

Megha, I forgot to mention.

The day before the experience I had regarding my mother, I was suddenly struck by this intense pain in my left hip. I could hardly walk. After my experience, the pain subsided considerably, but it’s not completely gone. So, I think you’re on to something there, about the ancestral grief residing in the hips somehow...

Love,

Anastasia

This web site, and all of you Angels, bring me boundless joy and depth of thought like never before!  I am so filled with gratitude for all of your boundless exposure of what is enfolding in your lives at this time.  I will forever be grateful for how you impact me!  Remain blessed and in the light and I will hold you dearly in my mediations!

I also wanted to support both statements above regarding "painting a poem"; the phrase was so lovely as it invoked feelings of beauty and grace with a multitude of creative options to explore with regards to the meaning...love it!  I am, however, quite curious of the meaning it has for you :)  If you feel like sharing...

Namaste,

Aphroheidi

"This light of mine is not so little"

 

Hi everyone,

Megha, welcome to our little circle of angels! Nice to 'see' you here.

My goodness! I'm just completely overwhelmed by the energy I feel here. The openness, vulnerability, compassion, courage and willingness to go deep. Not to mention all the beautiful artistic expressions being shared. "Is your fertile mind ready to conceive of stellar levels of affection?" I just love that, Aphroheidi!

And Megha, I also wondered what you meant by "painting a poem", but the expression in itself was just so beautiful, it didn't even matter what you meant. Painting a poem just sounds like one of the most magical things an expecting mother can do for her coming child. Heart Eyes Emoji

Jen, in your first sharing above, two things stood out for me in particular. One was the element of 'collapse' that is being explored now. The other thing was this energy you described as "when will it be about me?" I chose to let that go at the time, but as I read your new sharing, that 'energy' keeps coming back to me. In just about every paragraph of your exploration, I see elements of my own journey. I could go into depth as to why I'm making this particular connection, and maybe the flow will take me there eventually, but for now I'll just leave you with one word to consider if it means something to you.    

RAGE

 

Open,

First of all, thank you so much for answering my questions so elaborately! I went on to read the article you shared, and I strongly resonated with the 'canary in the coalmine'. It seems I 've always had this 'function' of not just feeling but also bringing out the hidden currents that hide under the surface. Both to my own and to other people's great discomfort. It seems wherever I go, even when I try to stay in the background and not get involved, I always end up doing or saying something that brings the shit out. If people are open to it, it can lead to progress, but if they're not, the attacks have come hailing down. (Perhaps you resonate with this as well, Jen). It's almost as if the energy itself seeks me out to find a way to be expressed. I had never heard the metaphor of the canary in the coalmine, so I googled it, and there it is! One of my deepest most ancient karmic themes staring me in the face. This one goes as far back as to what may be the explosion of Sirius, which a series of regressions lead me to believe I experienced. I think I might becoming ready to share these experiences and in turn receive some guidance and help in exploring them. This is going to take some guts for me, but eventually I want to start my own thread where this exploration can take place.

Secondly, your explanation of the Pleiadian 'naivety' was spot on for me. Yes, that life challenge is definitely what's coming up for me. I have an anecdote from my childhood that serves as a perfect metaphor for this challenge. This way of thinking and being certainly caused me a lot of trouble and disappointment, both in my youth and in adulthood.

 

When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I had these two other neighbourhood girls I used to play with. Sometimes we’d play all three of us, but most of the time we would play in pairs. Whenever I would play with just one of them, a certain degree of gossip would always arise about the third that wasn’t present. I was also aware that the two of them would say negative things about me when I wasn’t around. It seemed to be some kind of standard that when we weren’t happy about one friend’s behaviour we’d seek support with the other one, instead of expressing how we felt directly to the person it concerned, hence no problems ever being solved between us. This didn’t make sense to me and it made me uncomfortable to always talk behind each other’s backs, so I gave it some serious thought and came up with this brilliant idea that I shared with my friends. I suggested that instead of talking behind each other’s backs, we should “speak our hearts” (yes, I used those exact words) directly to each other. We could even ask each other “what’s on your heart, today?” to encourage each other to speak about what might be bothering us. My friends bought it, at first. And we played by this rule for a few weeks. I was very pleased. But not long thereafter, the two of them summoned me and told me that they didn’t want to play this way any more. They both agreed they wanted to go back to the way things were before. I never understood why.

 

Well, today, I have landed in this amazing sisterly (and brotherly) circle with all you beautiful souls, and I can honestly say, I'm proud of who I am. I'm an angel in my own right, just like all of you Heart

Anastasia

 

Ps. Anyone else feel like joining our circle of angels, feel free. All angels welcome! Angel Halo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In reply to by Anastasia

 

Hi all! 
Thank you Anastasia for offering the reflection and inquiry around rage.

Over the last week, I have passed this energy/word through my experience and reflecting on how it resonates - and what it stirs up in me.

These feelings came up this week - here are some of what it feels like:
Not ok to be you What u say or think is not right There is something wrong with you What you want or need doesn't matter What you think or feel doesn't matter Being smothered and snuffed out Have to fight to exist - to be

Like you my mothers birth with me was very challenging... I got stuck in the birth canal for very long time and was pulled out with forceps. This mirrors to me the reticence to be in the world and the sense that I will be forced to do what I am not ready to do. I will be overpowered. 

It's intense to work with this in the moment it arises but I keep working with it- it's been ongoing for a while. For some reason I find it very challenging to regress into these particular feelings - on my own or even with support. Without an external stimulus it's pretty protected. And the anxiety I feel when this point is touched is often from withholding expression - essentially smothering and controlling myself in the face of overpowering energy. 

Synchronistically I was studying digestive bitters this week and how they stimulate digestion and cleanse liver... Which happens to be the organ associated with anger. 

Thanks for tuning in and offering this reflection.  Keeping attention on this and seeing what shows up!

Much love,
Jen 

 

 

 

 

 Hi Aphroheidi, Anastasia and Megha <3

Wow! What a beautiful assembly of inquiring souls! It is incredible how much I can relate to and resonate with your stories and experiences. It feels so good to see and feel aspects of myself in all of you. Lately, I have been surrounded by energies that are challenging for me - which is great of course in the respect that it stirs up blockages/blindspots/old trauma/patterns and brings out new aspects of being - however there has been a high degree of what I feel as aggression, attack, judgement, projection. I don't perceive myself as aggressive or attacking to others, though I have had a tendency to treat myself that way. What's been revealed is how challenging meeting conflict can be. This then connects back to some of the things shared here regarding childhood and ancestral patterns.

I witnessed a lot of verbal conflict up to the age of 3 which I don't recall much of.  I have always had a hard time with noise and chaos as well as aggressive, sarcastic, manipulative energies. Even when there is a clear way of being wanting to come forward, the energy stirs up past trauma and triggers my nervous system into fight or flight. Once that has happened, it is a challenge to communicate effectively as I am shaking and can't breathe. This has been happening with greater frequency lately and I am inquiring how I can be in this energy and not get swamped by it. The tricky part is that it seems to come out of the blue for me...I feel the edginess in the person and tread lightly but the energy seems to come at me directly when I am not expecting it. The "attacking energy" scans for a soft spot and then launches into it. What is my soft spot here? Needing to be understood, needing harmony, needing to belong.  Perhaps treading lightly is exactly where I "misstep" - calling the energy before it "attacks me" may be the key.  This would be challenging to little "i's" distorted need for harmony and belonging - obviously something I need ot work more into.  

Belonging is a big theme lately as a lot of my places of belonging have broken down and invited me to embrace a different sense and meaning of belonging - which I have struggled with. 

Anastasia what you shared about feeling the overwhelm of your mother is something I deeply resonate with.  You said, " The feeling of not being able to handle the load of life and expectations, and just wanting to give up. As I surrendered into it, the distinct feeling was the devestation of "I can't take care of my kids!"" Yes, this is the sense I have felt over and over again...but not just in relation to my kids - in relation to myself. My mother too has expressed the sense of aloneness and abandonment she felt when I was young. My unfolding story has triggered her buried feelings from 40 years ago. It's quite possible I am carrying some of her unexpressed pain as she admittedly cut off from her feelings when I was around 3 and became completely pragmatic. What I sense is a need to come more into the root energy. The proverbial foundation was lifted from under my mother and myself and I have now co-created a circumstance that causes me to feel without foundation again. The sense of foundation having been projected onto Father/Paternal figures of all sorts. The reclaiming of this energy has begun and the terror of letting go of the external one in all it's forms is big right now. (which I even feel is projected onto need for community, teachers, etheric guidance - all of value of course but giving away energy is not optimal). 

My strongest memory of childhood is the following: My father is going to build an external stairway from our second floor kitchen down to a first floor deck. I remember him getting all the wood and bringing it back. I remember standing in the kitchen looking out a second floor doorway and there are no steps to get down. I don't remember any steps being built. This memory feels like a dream. It's certainly symbolic and I often dream that I am in a house with my mother - on the second floor and there is no first floor. I tell my mother when the time is right I have to go down the stairs that flow down from the center of the floor, into the forest, even though we are aware there are bears there.  In the dream I do go down and navigate the forest - which feels positive!

What I find interesting right now is that life as I know it is unravelling...yet I feel authentic threads to what was created...sometimes this pulls me back into the old reality and keeps me from processing fully the loss and therefore coming fully into my own foundation. I sense a potential for a reformation of the original authentic energy, but only once I can fully let go into it's destruction. 

Thanks for listening and sharing all of your beautiful stories and experiences. They have reflected light from many angles. Much love to you all, Jen

 

I am loving and resonating with so much that has been shared here. As an empath and someone going through ancestral grief as well ,I am really resonating with you Anastasia . My daughter has been my catalyst too and 'activated ' me when she was three years old. As someone who is working in an ongoing way with boundaries ,I know how hard it is and my heart goes out to you. 

In my case my greatest challenge right now is becoming okay with the fact that my brother is depressed to the point of being psychotic and occasionally suicidal. I can 'see' how he is carrying much of the unprocessed grief in this family's genetic line. I say this family because it has never felt very much like my own ever since I was little. I often thought my existence in this particular family dynamic was some sort of horrible mix up. Writing this fills me with grief and also a lot of guilt . I am by comparison very blessed in so many ways and it feels sometimes wrong .

l also feel extremely guilty of not being able to help my sibling - despite being a medical professional and a seeker. 

I feel called to explore deep unmanifest grief inside my hips by doing you yoga. I may be wrong but I feel it is ancestral deep grief I carry and I try and express it in this way . 

Sorry for the very disjointed post ,but just posting it is important I feel . 

For my daughter ,I painted this poem before she was going to be born :

https://youtu.be/dtQM-tuEaFo

 

 

 

In reply to by Megha

Hi Megha- love reading your open hearted sharings! I am so curious what it means to you to paint a poem? The poem and the imagery in the clip are beautiful and I love that you resonated with them as your daughter was coming into the world. Much love, Jen 

Hi Anastasia,

Some powerful questions indeed, which are sophisticated and will require really deep inquiry. You asked...

When I clear these things from my system, am I only helping myself then, or am I also helping the other person to clear them? For example, does my mother have to go through the same thing that I just did with the same intensity (since they are her feelings, and she has not dealt with them), or can my work ease the burden of her load as well?

It's essential to understand, there are 2 aspects to karma: (1) an aspect of the soul that hasn't yet realised it's nature in a specific situation (2) the karmic eddy current of trauma that builds from (1). You could indeed ease the burden someone else feels by helping to remove the energy in (2) - the karmic eddy current. However this can also be counterproductive, because it takes away the person's access to why the pain happened in the first place. The trauma is an essential clue for the person as to what they need to realise. Although if they're not fully ready, helping them a degree by easing the energetic load can help - providing you don't take it all on.

There is a caveat to the above with regards genetic or 'bloodline' karma - we can help resolve the issues of our physical bloodline, meaning others following on might not have to relive the same experiences physically. In essence we're all performing aspects of that within the shift from Homo Sapiens to the new evolution (what I'm calling "DIVINICUS").

Your experience with the pigeon was deep too. You said you "went through a process of forgiving yourself" for what you inadvertently did to the pigeon. There is the possibility though that you might have intellectualised that to a degree, which would potentially take you out of the full embodiment of the forgiveness. When each of us passes on, we're taken through a life's review - at which point, you actually get to feel what you may have done to another as if you are them - you experience what they felt. It's the connection that forms in the 4D field. When fully experienced, that's when release truly happens, or esle we'll recreate a similar situation in another incarnation where the situation is reversed - we might experience what the other did. It all depends on a deep level of acceptance before fully moving on.

You asked...

is this something typical for an empath to go through, since we absorb and carry so much of other people's stuff, before we realise we are doing it?

Yes! BUT, it's also essential to fully understand and embody how the gift can truly work. So it's essential to manage one's boundaries so as not to take on energy that's not meant for you. And at the same time, an emapth can become a powerful catalyst too, because when you can feel the density in another's field, it enables you to bring your consciousness to bear on that energy - which can then activate, so the other can feel it too. In that way, they're able to process and release their karma. It's something we do much work on within the Openhand Facilitator Program. You might find this article of benefit...

 

What Spiritual "Empaths" and "Catalysts" might Learn From Each Other

 

You asked about my view on the Peiadeans having a degree of naievity to them. What I mean by this is that they have an honesty and a vulnerability. They tend to be transparent with others and so expect others to be so with them. Control and manipulation is quite peculiar and strange to them, so they tend not to expect it. And they tend to trust others very easily - the risk is them being duped or deceived by others. I do believe that's a key aspect of their karma here - to learn to be discerning of intent, without then closing down or becoming judgmental.

Namaste

Open Praying Emoji

 

Hi Aphroheidi. Hi Jen. Hi Open.

It's synchronistic for me to have all three of you on this thread, as each of you has played a big part in my process lately. All of you radiate and express a confident openness that moves me and inspires me. And you all do it in different ways, so several different strings are being pulled inside me at the same time, but I sense they are leading to the same place. :-)

Open, there is a new stage on my journey that is unraveling right now that raises certain questions, and I hope you may be able to offer me some guidance in the process, so there will be some questions for you at the end of this sharing that I hope you won't mind answering.

Jen, through this moment we've shared here, a new layer is becoming visible to me, and I am beginning to explore a new aspect of being an empath and what that entails. The word 'collapse' seems to have had a profound effect on me, and after I shared The Angel with you, I could feel the walls once again shake inside me and another collapse waiting to take place.

So, yesterday, after I dropped my son off at kindergarten, it presented itself. The feeling of not being able to handle the load of life and expectations, and just wanting to give up. As I surrendered into it, the distinct feeling was the devestation of "I can't take care of my kids!". I've been through this feeling before so it wasn't new to me, but something about it felt different this time. I scanned inside myself for clues, but the feeling didn't seem to land anywhere inside my own story. Then I asked, could this have something to do with my mother, and then I began regressing to situations in my youth when I had been either physically or emotionally abandoned by my mother. I went back to one in particular, the first time I felt abandoned by her. Again, I scanned myself in that situation, but the feeling of collapse didn't land there either, as I've already gone through a big process of both understanding and forgiving my mother for that part of our lives, and I don't feel any pain around it any more. That's when something powerful happened. My vision turned 180 degrees and suddenly I was not myself any more, I was my mother! That's when it landed. Waves of intense pulsating pain surged through me, when I felt my mother's excrutiating heartbreak when she herself collapsed all those years ago. When she just caved in and had to surrender to the ultimate feeling of failure, when a mother realises she can't take care of her child.

Lately, these new types of experiences have been occurring for me. Where my perspective suddenly turns this way, and I'm on the other side. The day before this powerful experience with my mother, I went through something similar with a pigeon that crossed my path as a teenager. My intention was good, but I ended up doing something bad to this pigeon. I have gone through qualms of regret my whole life after that, as it is the only time I hurt something living, and it shook me to the core. A few months ago, I went through a process of forgiving myself for what I did to this pigeon, and I felt I had managed to clear it. But yesterday in yoga class, while lying in the pigeon pose, the bird from my teens returned to me once again. Only this time, I was the wounded pigeon, experiencing what I did to it, but also that there was no need for forgiveness because that had already taken place.

Some of these experiences, are situations where I have been involved, but I have also gone through scenarios that don't apply to my life today. For example, recently going through a trauma of my mother's and grandmother's that took place when my mother was 4. I went through both my mother's and my grandmother's pain respectively, as I cleared this 'motherload' I myself never experienced but still carried since the age of 4.

So here are my questions:

- When I clear these things from my system, am I only helping myself then, or am I also helping the other person to clear them? For example, does my mother have to go through the same thing that I just did with the same intensity (since they are her feelings, and she has not dealt with them), or can my work ease the burden of her load as well?

- Are these types of experiences a common thing for everyone to go through on the path, clearing other people's pain and karma?

- Or is this something typical for an empath to go through, since we absorb and carry so much of other people's stuff, before we realise we are doing it?

- Or, is this perhaps a particular service or contract, (maybe skill) that some of us agreed to prior to coming here?

- Is there another, maybe deeper purpose with this work? I ask this because I feel this is only the beginning for me. I feel more and more of this sort of thing coming my way, like it's just the tip of the ice berg.

And one last question...

Open, in the webinar you talked about the different star soul types/origins and the typical energies/qualities they tend to express/embody. I remember you saying something about Pleiadians being 'naive'. This word resonated so strongly with me, that my mind must have gone blank, because I can't recall at all what you said after that when you explained. Would you mind repeating what you said about Pleiadians being naive? I feel there is a clue there for me, as this is another thread that's being pulled for me right now.

Thank you all for sharing, and for being just the way you are...

Love,

Anastasia

 

 

In reply to by Anastasia

 

Hi Aphroheidi!

Thank you for the open hearted, compassionate support I feel in your message. It's a beautiful feeling to connect to that type of energy. The last week has been intense... Complete opposite of your expression... So thank you - it's like a soothing balm at the moment. 💗 Jen 

 

 

In reply to by .Jen

Jen, thank you for your kind words.  When I read what you posted I had one of those experiences I often have that causes my love to swell so large that I literally feel combustible.  I sometimes have this just sitting by myself in a quiet room and I feel this overwhelming love that feels like it is physically bursting from my chest and I have to meditate on sending it out to those in need.  The intensity of your week manifests a love from my heart that just wants to pour into your soul and remind you that the challenges are what make us grow the most and the love and support that is all around you will lift you out to a higher vibration once the karmic structure of this intensity serves it's purpose.  I hold you in my meditations and send unconditional love towards you and your journey Jen!  

A Very Warm Namaste (to the HIGHEST in you from the HIGHEST in me ;),

Aphroheidi

"This light of mine is not so little"

In reply to by Aphroheidi

I am at work and, minutes after posting my extreme feelings of love, I was asked to become an admin for the Facebook page that supports my company's current community effort.  Since I have not been on Facebook in eons and did not want to wake that dormant page, I thought I would take a peek at what was public on my profile (which was a surprisingly large amount)...one of the things I posted there, years ago, popped up immediately and I thought it was of interest, because it is a poem I wrote describing the very feeling that I was trying to describe to you above.  I hope you enjoy the poem, especially knowing that I am holding love space for you ;)  Here it is (I copied and pasted with the date and everything, just because it is of interest:):

 

Heidi Graff

April 19, 2011 ·

Love Alive! A Poem by AphroHeidi

I LOVE dancing with my son!  As I held him and we spun in circles the look of excitement and happiness and wonder on his face set my soul alight!!!! 

Love Alive, a poem by Aphroheidi

 

I am overwhelmed with love,

it ekes from my pores.

When the gods gave it out,

I was given more to share.

Where shall I place it?

Reincarnate Aphrodite,

gentle yet fierce, 

pure yet whorish,

unpredictable yet planned,

complex yet easy.

The loud moaning of the sea,

with its soft foam,

embracing this time lotus,

each petal a form of love.

Worshipping waves, tremulous and grand

like the music of love beating wildly in my heart.

I saw the Phoenix rise,

granting a new life.

Is your fertile mind ready to conceive

of stellar levels of affection?

My spiritual embrace longs to be filled!

A life unleashed and bound in fire,

my flame ignites the way,

leading you to infinity,

AWAKEN!

Turn the key I've provided,

unlock my mystery,

find spiritual intensity,

embrace the love pouring out of me!

 

I would love to hear those powerful words put to music!  Thank you so much for sharing that incredibly touching and thoughtful song Anastasia!

Jen, thank you for your thought provoking sharing regarding children.  My daughter is a "mini me" of sorts and is, thankfully, so much more grounded than I ever dreamt of being at her age (She just turned six last month).  Her level of compassion and joy equal mine (which has taken many years to cultivate and actually allowed to come to fruition).  We, as parents, are the lucky, sometimes challenged, beings who get to raise the little ones who come to us so far ahead of "things" that, at times, took traumatic events, hard work, healing and seeking to gain insight towards and to embody.  We are blessed in that our hard work and vulnerability allowed us to come the beings that we are (full of light) so that we can model behaviors that we would not mind our children emulating.  We get to know, however, that they are their own spirits and they will take what they see and feel to unheard of levels, beyond anything that is known to us at this time.  I read a poem that shared this journey so eloquently:

"You may give them [children] your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.  You may house their body, but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit...even in your dreams.  You may strive to be like them, but not to make them like you, for life goes not backwards nor carries with yesterday."  Kahlil Gibran

I love that we can supply them with all that we have and get to watch the future unfold...every single day there is something new, which is even more visible when you truly pay attention to them.  Thomas Moore wrote a book called "The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life", which inspired me to never quell the magick, to not only allow the children to keep the mystery and remain enchanted, but to join them and revel in the delights of it all.  It truly brings the love to new heights and deepens the connection...we used to do a faux "argument" of "I love you more" no, "I love you more", but we have traded that for "We love each other the same, because it is the most."  I believe that we can witness our children's magick and love them so incredibly much that, in their being a part of us, it grows our compassion for ourselves.  Be gentle with yourself and know that your walking through the pain and the "old patterns" with grace and desire to face them fully and understand, ultimately moving past them, will help all those around you (including your children) to witness the beauty of it all.  The beauty of your light coming forth and your imparting that the unfolding journey is essential and liberating is all that they will see as they hold compassionate space for you to work through it all.  I respect it so much when parents are willing to dig deep.  Thank all of you!!!!!

 

Namaste,

Aphroheidi

"This light of mine isn't so little"

 

 

Bringing up kids is indeed such a huge learning journey. They have a way of pushing all the inner unseen buttons. And our love for them creates plenty! Of course one of the big challenges in that is that we're no longer tribal (in terms of the way Original Humans were), so there's meant to be a much stronger empathic support mechanism - perhaps this alludes to the karma of being alone in it?

What I found, as the kids around me have grown, was the need to keep softening any kind of expectation, and also letting go of the boundaries I felt I had to create, so as to allow increasing sovereignty. It often felt like walking a tightrope at times.

No doubt the experience teaches us loads and, no matter the challenge, can be utterly priceless on the path.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

 

Hi Anastasia. Thank you for sharing your story! Such a powerful and beautiful sharing. It touched me very deeply. In fact, when I read your story, a tremor started deep inside my core and reverberated outward. I suddenly felt cold as an ice cube and was shaking from the inside out. Something deep was touched.

You said:

“I have come to understand, over the years, that my daughter is very sensitive to people and energies around her. I’m a highly sensitive empath myself, so it’s not too far fetched to think she may embody some of these qualities as well. What I’ve discovered during the course of my awakened journey is that my daughter always provides me with the perfect mirror. She not only reflects who I am being today, but also issues from my childhood and even past lives that need to be addressed. That means that when things from the past get activated in me, she intensifies them through her own behaviour and emotions synchronistically to provide me with the clues I need to uncover my own personal traumas or distortions.”

Yes, indeed I have learned to always see what is being shown to me through the events and circumstances around me - to inquire how that causes me to feel. The things my children have experienced and expressed have unveiled many deep and hidden layers in me. I’d say your sharing touched on something more, though I am not sure what that is yet. The other day something happened that showed me this energy inside that expresses as “when will it be about me?” Synchronistically, the day you sent your message I came across a book on audible called “Warming the Stone Child” by Clarissa Pinkola-Estes. 

You also asked:

“So, I felt to just ask the question, if you’ve looked into the possibility of your son’s pain not necessarily being entirely his own, but a direct reflection of a pain or trauma of yours? Perhaps even something completely unrelated.”

Thank you for this question. As things come up, I work with whatever energy presents itself. Though it can be easy to be swept up in seeking a resolution in the external too and missing what’s being revealed.  It seems the exploration has been one of “how does this experience cause me to feel?” which does then reveal the pain/attachments I am carrying. And yes indeed I do feel he amplifies my untouched or unexpressed energies. One big thing I have noticed through his times of physical/emotional pain is that he reflects to me the parts of me that want to collapse, give up, seek external relief. The pain is one of powerlessness and having noone there to be with me in the pain - utter aloneness and a sense that I can’t do this by myself - overwhelm. There are deep roots in this...I am finding through all of this a greater ability in life to be resilient and even when I feel like it’s (life) all too much, I am finding inner strength and trust. These are very old patterns. In addition, I have been going through a great deal of emotional pain. He may be feeling that as well.

Yet there is something I can’t quite touch and I get the sense that what got triggered from your message is a deeper layer - something frozen that is starting to reveal itself. Perhaps it is even the depth of empathy I feel in your response. Being seen and heard is very touching... Connects to old feelings of not experiencing this as I am sure most can relate to. It causes me to reflect on a deep loss that I feel in regards to community...especially the more empathic women I have been close to.  Others are coming into my life and offering new reflections, though it always feel nice to feel such a warm and sensitive vibe.

Thank you for taking the time to share with me and offer the opportunity to reflect and go deeper. <3 The threads are getting pulled - will see where this goes!

Much love,

Jen

 

In reply to by .Jen

Dear Jen,

Thank you for your heartfelt sharing. The openness and uninhibited vulnerability that flows freely in your expression just warms my heart. I have always felt this ought to be the natural way for humans to communicate, but for some reason we're taught that this is not ok, and so we're forced to take a hundred detours before allowing ourselves to land in each other's hearts. People sometimes commend me on my courage to openly express my innermost feelings, but the truth is I never found it particularly difficult or scary. I can't really see what there is to be afraid of. Yet, I've still had to continuously adapt my way of communicating, as there seems to be something frightening about it that makes many people close off or run.

I had been thinking about how to respond to you. There is so much in your sharing, themes I recognise from my own life, that I could discuss with you in depth. I had formed an idea of what to focus on, but after I read the new part of your sharing something completely different emerged. So I'll put the other thoughts I had on hold for now, and perhaps return to them later.

You said,  

One big thing I have noticed through his times of physical/emotional pain is that he reflects to me the parts of me that want to collapse, give up, seek external relief. The pain is one of powerlessness and having noone there to be with me in the pain - utter aloneness and a sense that I can’t do this by myself - overwhelm.

I know this feeling all too well. I have been there so many times, for shorter as well as longer periods of time. Sometimes for several months. Feeling the complete collapse of my inner world. Metaphorically and sometimes literally lying like a heap on the floor in foetal position, feeling utterly alone and abandoned. These were the dark nights of my soul. The first time it happened, I cried non stop, every day, for 4 months. I called it my personal Noachian deluge. I couldn't comprehend how much sadness and grief a human soul could carry. I still go through this, but today, each and every time is a secret passage into a new aspect of benevolent homecoming. It serves as a landmark for me to recognise when I'm closing in on a potential breakthrough. And when the gutting pain finally presents itself, there is a subtle tingle of excitement in the depths of my soul, as it knows it will soon bring a lost part of it home.

As I read your new version, I suddenly remembered the lyrics to an old song I wrote about 15 years ago. It was a song I wrote to myself when I was in one of these devestatingly dark and lonely places. You see, I used to do that to help me get through. When no one else was there that could or would comfort me, I'd be my own voice singing me to sleep, saying the words I needed to hear, and stroking my imaginary head. I used to have a picture of myself hanging on the wall. I looked particularly angelic in this photo, with kind eyes and a warm and compassionate smile. I called 'her' Anastasia (my middle name), I used to imagine she was my angel watching over me. Like a higher version of myself. If only I had known what I know today...

I never shared these words with anyone, partly because I didn't think anyone would understand, and partly because they were just meant for me. But as you will discover, there is also a secret longing woven into them. A longing to share them with someone one day. I think that day has come. A white feather on the staircase confirmed it for me, as I climbed upstairs to write to you. I don't know if it will mean something to you, but it means something to me to have found another open heart to 'sing' them to. So here is me sharing my Angel with you...

 

The Angel

You feel a cry from a place so deep

It keeps you awake when you’re trying to sleep

You want to be heard and you want to be seen

But end up somewhere in between.

 

As I lay awake in my darkest of nights

She came to me, the most precious of sights

She whispered softly into my ear

The words I now want you to hear...

 

She said I needn’t look far to see

That I was beautiful just as She

The one I had always desired to be

Was standing before me, as Me

 

She stayed with me until morning broke through

Until I no longer needed to ask, who is who

And all this time that I thought I was wrong

I find I was right all along

 

She left me a memory clean and bright

A blueprint of love in its purest delight

And now that I know that my heart is true

I’m passing her over to you

 

I'm passing her over to you...

 

With all my heart,

Anastasia

 

 

 

 

In reply to by Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

I don't have too many words at the moment - I just want you to know how much your reflection has meant to me... white feathers flutter around me often... Last year the flow brought me to a gift for myself... A white ceramic feather with a silver tip that hangs in a special place... A reminder.  From my heart to yours... Thank you for sharing this song... Years ago in a moment of shattering despair, a "voice" broke through though it was more of an everywhere, embracing feeing of "You are always seen and loved" ... When these contractions arise... I know there will be an emergence through it and the embrace is always there... Even when I can't feel it....moments like these remind me. Thank you! with love, Jen 

 

Open said: “I think it's natural to want the best for our kids and those around us. It's one of the big things we touched on in the seminar. As we explored, just as we wouldn't want someone else to walk our pathway for us, then at a soul level, it is the same for those connecting with us - they wish to walk their own path too. I see that in 'trying to protect' energetically, we might inadvertently keep people out of feeling the fullness of their own energetic situation. By being fully immersed in their own energy, whilst we hold the space, gives them permission for their own soul to go deeper within - so then 'miraculous' healing can happen. I'd say this is a dynamic for us to consider and embrace too. It's a big one, especially where kids are concerned.”

The piece about ‘trying to protect energetically’ stuck out for me. I do sense this happens on a large scale for me at home. It seems to happen naturally that I take on their energetic disharmony as my own. I end up carrying a large amount of stress from unresolved dynamics. The stress forces me to look at where my attachment is. Perhaps the biggest underlying attachment is just needing things to be smooth and harmonious. This causes me to focus on the disharmonies and work to resolve them - which pulls me in to managing on the external level. I have resolved a lot of my external managing of their lives and have had to accept that I can't create continuous harmony (nor would that be supportive of any of our paths), but physical illness/emotional pain over extended periods of time tends to trigger me.  Realizing this word "resolved" is a big one for me...perhaps the trigger is in the inability to bring resolution - the discomfort in staying in the unresolution.

It seems natural for me to absorb and digest the energy - but my tendency to “own” it with my kids, rather than letting it be felt, but not become mine, causes the internal overwhelm/stress.  

I am reflecting on a recent event that mirrors the dynamic. Me and a friend got into some tension during a conversation and my daughter, feeling that walked over and sat right between us - acting like a buffer for the situation. This I feel is what is happening...like I am energetically IN it too much.

Staying aware of my need around resolution in the dynamic and unravelling the tightness will perhaps allow me to feel it without getting defined or owned by it. Then, if I can keep attention on the energy and see how it wants to unravel within me that’s going to have a greater and more aligned affect.

Open to reflections on this! Thanks! Jen

 

Thank you Jen and Charlie for all your postings and reflections, it has also brought up some of my own reflections and shit i need to work through.  I won't go into details as it would take too much of my energy.  I just wanted to acknowledge this here.

Thank you

Anatoly

 

 

 Thank you Jen for all your support along this journey. I feel quite blessed that I have been guided to this community. And know that it is without judgment. I know, like you have pointed out, in not so many words, that I am my worst critic. But I do see how sharing similar experiences can help go a little deeper and soften into the feeling of inadequacy and see it for what it truly is. An eddy current in my flow that sucks me in. Sharing with you really does help. And what I said about my feeling of being judged by the Openhand community for how I write, is not truly them, like you said; is a reflection of myself. I would say that the community is the holder of the space so I can find my reflection to understand the "why I feel" . If that makes sense. If you were here in front of me I am sure that the two of us would be sobbing like babies, with a feeling like, I knew I could do this. 

PS. Jen I'd like for you to do something for me. Take your left hand and put it on your right shoulder and your right hand put it on your left shoulder and then squeeze. That is me giving you a hug. 

Much Love 
Charlie Heart

 

 

In reply to by Charlie

Aww that is awesome Charlie! Thanks so much for hug!

If I may say in response to what you express here "go a little deeper and soften into the feeling of inadequacy and see it for what it truly is. An eddy current in my flow that sucks me in." Perhaps it's inviting you to get sucked in to a degree....to become so totally ok with the feeling of inadequate, that you don't need it to go away and in that place, it can no longer hold you, it can no longer limit or control the way you show up. From what I have experienced, it is in that place, that we may find something precious. 

Thanks for the video clip as well...very touching sentiment <3 It's been very inspiring and deeply freeing to connect and share with you. xx Jen

Hi Alex, I felt to pick up on your inquiry into "positive affirmations" - an invaluable exploration for sure. Thumbs Up Sign

Let me begin by saying, in the Openhand Approach, generally, there's a serious risk with applying these. The risk is denial of the truth of the moment by painting a positive gloss on things, which can then become an identity always doing that - a strategy, rather than the free flowing spontaneity of the soul. The identity can then mask over deeply repressed karmic source pain, which becomes difficult to access and unravel. The identity may feel good, or blissed, or happy, or loving, but it's still an identity and not the absolute presence of the One. So in these states, there's often a disconnect from the absolute truth of the moment, which personally, I witness in many spiritual teachers.

But clearly you felt you had a very positive experience from the teaching offered. So let's inquire into that to see what might be revealed. You said...

So the first thing he did,  was to ask everyone,  just for one minute to affirm and feel that "I don't  have to forgive (enter name here)" . So as I did this exercise for a few times,  I felt some resistance falling away instantly,  and was moved to crying. It was as if I was saying " I don't have to forgive X. Oh thank God! What a relief! And then this I suppose allowed some (more) forgiveness to arise! Interesting how effective  this 'reverse' thing was for me.  And how actually affirmations may be another useful tool. 

On the positive side, clearly you touched a deep aspect of soul - I'd say that of surrender and compassion (also for yourself). And that is certainly of great value Thumbs Up Sign
But maybe there is also something else to uncover which might be deeper down?

Often past life karma can begin as the subtlest of vibrations, which can easily be masked by the strategy of always applying surrender, especially if you've intentionally affirmed that. So the risk is to miss that thread of vibration to pull on the deeper source pain (in this case, the 'surrender' is really distorted "accepting anything goes", as opposed to surrender to the truth of the moment - if you genuinely feel angry, be angry, until the anger subsides, and you find, for example, the natural will of the soul, which had been buried in the anger). 

The point of past life karma, is that we're here to fully process it, because it's something the soul couldn't handle at the time, a 'fragment' may have become detached in the experience, and therefore another look is necessary. Let's say someone was abused, in a really full-on way, maybe as a child for example. Often the response is to go out of body, following which, the psyche installs an inner 'trip switch' - whenever anything approaching that feeling or sense happens again, the trip switch throws and the soul goes out of body once more - often into the 4D, which certainly in later life, if affirmed, can become blissful. But the problem can be, that the underlying karma has not been fully dealt with. We have to get deep into our authentic karmic reaction, in order to find the One in it.

Turning to forgiveness, I agree, there's no need to forgive. But why? I think it's essential to explore this question before we actually arrive at the place where forgiveness is not necessary. It's because of the realisation that we manifest everything that we draw to us - you manifest everything as a lesson for the soul to be forged through that experience. So in this sense, nothing is "done to you". BUT, and it's a big BUT, as mentioned earlier, there may still be a fragment of soul stuck in the original past life incident (almost always an incident in this life is a reflection of a past life). And that fragment will there because of some trauma. But you don't get rid of the trauma and reintegrate the fragment by plastering over it with an affirmed gloss of acceptance.

To reintegrate any lost fragment of soul, buried within karmic source pain, you have to relive the essence of the experience once more, with pretty much the same kind of intensity. Because to be the One in it, is to be able to comfortably embrace the ALL of it (not just the loving positive aspects of the Universe). That way, the soul integrates and becomes able to flow through the intensity of the situation - including any similar future situations. What's also essential to add, is that in regressing into the source pain this way, you reclaim a new aspect of beingness contained by the soul fragment - maybe courage and will, to stand up to an oppressor, for example.

When you've truly found the One in any given situation, to the extent that you can accept being in it without needing to change it, then there truly is no need to forgive. But to truly heal through it, you have to revisit the intensity of the original experience - this is the forging of the soul. 

Thanks so much for your illuminating inquiry Alex. It inspired me to write this article today...

The Liberating and Empowering Effect of Intensive Forgiveness

Namaste

Open Praying Emoji

Hi guys, this feels like a beautiful and sensitive exchange happening. Heart

"All I see is a part of me". When we witness something in another, there may be an accuracy to it, but it's also pretty much always the case that there's a reflection for us too.

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Jen, I am not sure what made me feel that way, I just did and I felt sad for you. I believe loss means to me that a grieving process may be needed. On then other hand sometimes what is lost can only be found by looking inward. One of the things I tell my daughter, is if you look within yourself, you will find the answers you seek and if it are not there wait it will be there when it is time, trust in in your gut and intuition and yourself.

Ps. Jen and maybe it is me that is feeling lost

Much love

Praying EmojiHeartPraying Emoji

Charlie

 

In reply to by Charlie

Hey there Charlie,

Yes, I was curious about your statement here, "I thought how can this beautiful soul lose this"...I wasn't sure what you were referring to and that's ok...it sounds like maybe you are not sure - totally cool - no need to have a specific answer =). I gather from your reply that you felt a sense of loss and sadness for me as you read my sharing. Is there an element of pity in that? (something like saying "you feel bad about yourself and I don't want you to/don't think you should feel that way).  

I feel this is an important reflection for me...to me it is the same lens that I sometimes, inadvertently see my children through when it comes to the intervention and it's influence. I sense that pity is a judgement of the experience that's being had.  To me, it also says, that I doubt my children's ability to confront what their own Soul has drawn. This is a projection of the sense of inadequacy that I experience.  Thank you so much - it's very helpful to feel more into the dynamic. I know it takes a lot of courage to share on this site and I am grateful for your input. I feel compassion at the core of your expression, which I gladly embrace. <3 

You said "Maybe it is me that is feeling lost"...maybe we both have reflections here. If I might offer a few questions and if they don't resonate or you don't feel to explore here on the site, please feel free to let it all fly by =). I wonder what perhaps you feel you have lost? Is there a sadness in you that hasn't been heard or expressed? How comfortable are you with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, powerlessness, or other things we might describe as "yours or other's pain"? 

This feels a bit vulnerable ...offered with love <3 Jen

In reply to by .Jen

 

 Hi Jen, you have definitely touch something in my core. Lost, sadness, insecurities, inadequacy and powerlessness. I will start with the one that jumps off the page: Inadequacy, I feel I have dealt somewhat with this one. I felt this way early on life as early as the age 8 grade 3 in the Catholic School. I can remember the nun ask me to stand up in front of the Class by the chalkboard and read from a book. I refuse to read, standing in front of the class. It was not because I did not want to it was because I could not read without getting stuck. The nun proceeded to kick my feet out from underneath me and as I fell my back rubbed against the edge of the chalkboard and left a 4 inch cut in my back. I made it to grade 6. Writing and spelling was my biggest struggle. Math was my strong subject. In grade 6 the vice principal allowed me to carry on with my math so that by the halfway through the year I was in the grade 10 math book. But in all the other subjects I refuse to do them, I ended up with zero. The vice principal told me if I didn't try harder that the following year I would have to go back to the grade 6 math book. At that time we were changing from standard measurement to metric. Metric had a lot more work to it but was a little easier. The math was too easy and now that I had been held back a year I decided not to do anything not even sign my name to any test. I spent two years in grade 6 and spent two years in grade 7 and was kicked out of school in grade 8. So you see this is just a little of the feeling of inadequacy. I thank you for pointing this out. I did return back to the education system when I was 40. First 6 months I struggled with trying to write. Which I knew I could not, but being as strong as I was, I ask for help and was diagnosed with dyslexia. This was a relief. They gave me all the tools that I needed to make the honor roll, 3 years in a row. I finished College with several certificates and then when to University for 4 years and come out with a Bachelor of Arts in Community Studies without having to write a word. 
 For the next 10 years I worked in mental health. I got by writing my reports with the help of the people I worked with. I was not embarrassed or shy about telling people about my learning disability and my spelling problems. I've suffered several injuries from aggressive clients. The short answer and why I left the field of Mental Health is that it didn't feel right anymore. My body had taken enough. 
It seemed that I slipped away from topic. 
 I join Openhand 2 years and 9 months ago. A friend told me about it and I checked it out. You see my ability to read has gotten quite strong over the years. But I have learned that I have to read slow and sometimes reread what I'm seeing. Here is where in adequacy comes back to me tenfold. And that I'm trying to face by writing here. So I guess this feeling is really strong right now as I write this, in fear of being judged by the rest of the Openhanders. I will have to proofread this, more than once to settle the anxiety that writing brings. I guess that's why I talk a lot and listen when I need to. LOL 

 If I don't stop here I will surely delete this as I have done many many times here and Openhand. I will say I don't sense a feeling of loss, insecurity or powerlessness though. Sadness on the other hand yes but not for myself for all the other people out there and the planet and the things that are going on that I don't know about. But that's okay. I do see the good in the bad and the bad in the good. 

With all my perfect imperfections. 
Much Love 
Charlie 

 

In reply to by Charlie

Dear Charlie,

When I read your story... I see elements of my sons journey as well as my own - not the exact circumstances, but it seems like similar feeling. And initially there is this sense of "it shouldn't have been that way"...of course we can see the rejection of ways of being on a cultural level and how that affects the way we relate... How we are pushed into a box and seemingly denied a reflection of the qualities that don't fit the mold. The belief then in our inadequacy seems inevitable ... For some perhaps that creates a giving up, for some an appeasing and striving, for some a constant beating up inside for not meeting the metric, for some a fight against the system and perhaps some even see hey! It's not me that is flawed here! Surely lots of other ways of being may arise!

And, if we agree that nothing is actually being done to us, we are co-creating circumstances from our own way of being, from own sense of limitation, from our karma.... Then perhaps it's ok for us each to feel and experience what we do. And when we have shared experiences for example the sense of being inadequate, A natural sense of compassion may arise for what the other is experiencing... Having experienced similarly ourselves. Perhaps we might inquire why we have (on a Soul level) created the circumstances that stimulate inadequacy? What is it inviting us to find inside?  What have we lost along the way and what can be reclaimed?

It's important to feel the impacts ... To feel the inadequacy that no particular set of accomplishments can fill. You mention a fear of the judgements from the OH community and I can understand why your prior experiences may cause that to arise. I have felt the same many times and I commend your for confronting those feelings by writing here! ❤ That takes massive courage! Might you have taken on the judgement that you truly are inadequate and perhaps feel if only you can get it all right you won't have to feel that (and it won't be reflected back to you as the perception of others judgement)  What might happen if you let the feeling of inadequacy have space within you to be fully felt? I say this for myself as well!

I see that I am working to reclaim those parts of me that I see in you. I too am working to embrace those parts that feel inadequate and let myself find and feel the truth at the core if it. If at all I am mixing up what you feel with what I feel, I have noticed a tendency to do so and so please do let pass by anything here that does not resonate for you. I am working out these things as I see parts of me in the reflection. That doesn't mean that what I perceive is your actual reality.  😊

I honor the willl it took for you to overcome the obstacles you faced. Truly beautiful, and honest sharing. I am inspired by your lovely willingness to share so vulnerably and openly. 

Much love, Jen 

Wow! I am pretty blown away by all of the reflections...so many unique points of view. Thank you for sharing so honestly. 

Open - thank you for the reflections and sharing your perspective. Every time that I am able to find that sweet spot where I can be accepting of their journey and still hold a sense of the boundary, I observe and experience a relaxation that allows them to self-determine what serves them.  It just keeps going deeper as the stakes seem to get higher as they get older and it's challenging me to keep finding that spot in relation to each dynamic/situation without going into fear/control.  What stood out to me was this " It's like you hold the crucible of inquiry, which they can feel at a soul level."  The feeling in my body of the soul sucking destruction, manipulation and consumption is something I had not realized until recently...I had somewhat normalized in it (out of a sense of powerlessness)...touching this reality and being able to hold both the 3D one AND the sense of an interconnected one of greater harmony is standing out for me. Again, not needing to resolve the "lower" one, but to hold the space for "what is" on multiple levels - perhaps that allows threads to connect and layers to be shed. (Within myself and refelected externally).

Aspasia - I am very touched by your sharing and love the energy of an etheric cup of tea...=). Yes, I too felt the connection to what Marije shared - yes there is a deep grief and sense of loss. I mourn the loss of another time, another way of being that feels natural and harmonious...I witness that I build a lot of frustration around the seeming impossibility of a different way here and now in the phsyical on this planet.  At times, this keeps me from feeling  the grief - I am beginning to see that we only continue to be able to feel more of the all of it. I feel on the edge of a much wider view and experience..your words are helping me recognize that within me. <3

I loved this..."'My' grief says that I dare to love in face of loosing it all. That I am sensitive to realise the interconnectivity with all life. And I feel fully connected and NOT disconnected from a higher power or whatever the spiritual narrative is. 'My' grief invites me to experience death every day. To be available to this emotion and to share it with a community of other souls, so that it is held as it deserves in its full unequivocal expression. In this way 'my' grief matures, ripes into a way of beingness that is unbreakable and tuned into the Awakened Flow of Rightness. To me, this is 'the true seat of my power'."

Part of what I am experiencing is a deeper acknowledgement of what is really happening and a de-normalization of that. I feel invited to carry the awareness of this and stay connected to the higher "vision" I feel inside. 

Part of your sharing brings up the inquiry of what does "acceptance" mean to me. It feels important to acknowledge the reality of what is happening on the planet (maybe some may call that acceptance) which when we do, how could we not then feel an arising of grief, anger, outrage and as you said accept that this is how I feel in response to this acknowledgement. I too do not accept that this is ok - how could this ever be ok? But I do feel it is helpful for me to accept that this is actually happening and this is how I feel about it.

Synchronistically, many little keys have been dropping with regard to this inquiry.  Yesteday Walmart kept coming up in conversation with strangers or friends and a huge Walmart truck pulls in front of me while I am driving. I am wondering "what is that about"? What could be a better symbol of consumeristic society than what might be witnessed in a Walmart? Late that night I realize my son needs baseball pants for the next day and the only open place is the 24 hour Walmart!  So, I head over, walk around the whole store but don't find what I need. I walk straight to a car that I think is mine, but turns out to be another...by the name of Pathfinder.  I kind of laughed to myself about the exploration of how to be in this Walmart world that ultimately leaves you empty handed and the answer is to keep "finding the path" through that by Self-realizing through every circumstance.

This poem speaks straight to the experience and touches my heart...thank you! I am saving it! <3

Charlie  - thank you for your kind words. I wonder what you are feeling that I have lost? I do FEEL a sense of loss (perhaps it's that that you are picking up on?)  Touching the feeling of powerlessnes and inadequacy feels like the place of reclaiming...I feel grateful to come in contact with it. I do get scared and overwhelmed by the world at times...and that's ok - I see the need to control and what it does for me. I just keep unravelling it as it shows up in new places =).  It's beautiful what you shared about your daughter. I love to see and experience these magical moments in life as well...helps me trust in my Self and in each one's inner wisdom and sovereignty. 

Biggest love and hugs to all of you <3 Jen

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Jen, I can relate to your challenges as a mother (with two teenagers of my own). All i can say is that it all changed when i allowed the change to happen within me.  Knowing that there is a deeper meaning to it all and a bunch of letting go.  The tension decreases inside and gets reflected outside.  Boundaries - yes but also allowing.  then it feels like surfing!  I know i have to take care of my own stuff first so priorities are clean to me.

Wishing you well on your explorations!

With Love and support

Anatoly

 

 Amazing sharing here. After finding the opportunity to write here and actually not deleting it the other day has given me a little bit of strength to try and do it again today. I can relate to just about everything here. 
 Jen you said ( At the core of it I am feeling powerless and inadequate to meet this parenting journey.I feel as though I am not meant to be here - I don't have the skills to navigate it. I suppose that's exactly why I am here lol - to release myself from the overidentification and find the skills to navigate. This is sort of a rant, and has loads of distortion, but it helps to express it and hear/feel myself.) I have not met you but I had the opportunity to read a lot here on the Openhand site, your inputs and inquiries. I thought how can this beautiful soul lose this and it reminded me of the issues that I have with my daughter raising her son. Just the other day she came to me with what was a major problem with her ex about her son. As much as I wanted to tell her what to do "control" I asked her to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and ask yourself what you thought I would say. She came out a few minutes later crying and said (I know what to do now thank you) for me it was a major learning to not control the situation. I realize that what I am getting back from your statement. You are in the right place and at the right time. 

 Marye you said  (lately I have been having a lot of feelings of not wanting to be here, feeling lonely and out of place. And at the same time feeling like an outsider with the vision of what a different world might be possible that others don't seem/want to see other than as an impossible utopia.) I know we can all relate to that one (Outsider) And then you said on your thread (Although meanwhile the dentist has filled up the open space in the tooth with something artificial, the natural tooth will never heal back to its original state, it is lost forever, which somehow caused feelings of grief....) I am not sure if this will help you but to me not all things artificial are bad for all the ingredients within anything artificial come from Mother Earth. I know it's not your natural tooth but just maybe knowing that the ingredients in this, mother Earth provided. And again you are in the right place at the right time. 

 Appolonius you said (I'm very close to lose my home and all my stuff and wonder what my role could than possibly be within this society. But all the fear this generates also at the same time expands my consciousness....it's a beautiful paradox. And I know at some moment it will all click into place.) I am in a similar situation. Very small pension that is paying the interest on the debt that I accumulated over the years. What I am faced with is selling my home and paying off the debt so that I have it all paid off when I leave this body and carry on through the next door. What you're saying here speaks volumes to me, Thank you. And you are in the right place at the right time. 

 Open All I can say to you is Thank You. For being you and creating the space. In my heart and in my soul I feel you are in the right place at the right time in the right dimension. 

 Vimal love your all your sharing here on Openhand. Love right back at you bro. You are in the right place at the right time. 

 Aspasia you said(Beauty and Pain. Creation and Loss. Kindness and Anger.) just lately everything that I come across reflects a different meaning like you have here. So I cannot say one word without using the other. Like wrong and right, I can see the right in the wrong and the wrong in the right. Good and bad I can see the good in the Bad and the bad in the good. And so on. I don't know if this makes any sense this is what came to mind. A short little story about the Huntsman. My brother is an avid Hunter / fisherman who lives on the west coast of Canada. Just the other day he invited me out who was Homestead to go fishing. Explain to him once again. That I was a vegan and didn't eat animals or byproducts of animals (honey once in a while)lol and thanked him for his invitation. The next day he sent me a message about a little fishing trip he went on the day before and said that he had caught a couple of fish and when he caught the fish he thought of me and let them go. I'd like to think that maybe because of who I am and what I believe, has triggered something in him to see the bigger picture. 

 You said(Every day I am asking myself, how do I draw on the wisdom, beauty and strengths of other people, animals and Nature, so that in challenging situation/s I trust that waves of courage, intuition and rightness will be supplied by the Universe?) I see the beauty in what you say, you are such a wise person and are in the right place at the right time. 

To all of you I'm going to proofread this once. So it is what it is. I Thank You all for the space and sharing, knowing that you are all in the right place at the right time. Which helps me realize that I'm in the right place at the right time. 

Much much love 
Charlie
 

 

I am very stirred up and touched by your sharings Jen and synchronistically, by Marije's beautiful confessions on 'irreversible loss' which are so related and complementing to yours, the way I see it. To my mind, the deeper feeling talked about is grief, which arises not only in the form of tears, sadness and despair but also in the form of anger, outrage and hurt. So, Im here to have a virtual cup of herbal tea with both of you and share my own feelings...

.....while as I write this, there are two events manifesting at the same time in my world: a) two wood pigeons cooing and building a nest on the blooming wisteria just a foot down below my window and b) hearing the gunshots of huntsmen killing pheasants and other wildlife about two fields down the countryside road where my house is. Beauty and Pain. Creation and Loss. Kindness and Anger.

Jen your words here are poignant:

 

The feeling of inadequacy and powerlessness gets overwhelming - I notice my initial pattern is to give up or go into idealized wishful thinking(why can't it be like this or that?). Perhaps also I am pointing my finger at the world and getting lost in projections rather than looking at myself and finding the surrender and the will to meet the moment. 

I imagine we all experience the sadness or anger at the injustice and manipulation in the world...it feels natural to experience that and challenging to find acceptance in it without giving up. But, we are here for a reason...as much as I would like to think this was a big mistake LOL!! Essential also to connect to the true seat of our power. Will that becomes control and force is exhausting, acceptance can become complacency....interesting to find alignment in all this. 

 

And Marije similarly here from your thread:

Although meanwhile the dentist has filled up the open space in the tooth with something artificial, the natural tooth will never heal back to its original state, it is lost forever, which somehow caused feelings of grief....

Pain for the World, as it is also felt with deeper connotations and connections (it always does!) in the encounter with are own bodies, is Normal, Healthy and Natural. It is also widespread even if people are not conscious of it. I would say especially if there is unconsciousness. And I dare say especially if one IS destructive - like the huntsmen. There is felt loss and grief there too but one hides away, rejects, represses, denies, projects, becomes destructive, conforms etc and of course Opposing Consciousness takes hold and other energies.

I DO NOT accept what is going on in the world and never will, but I am called and invited by what is going on to accept how I feel. That's the only thing I 'need to accept', so as to paradoxically befriend the 'darkness'. To recognise that the anger Im feeling or the sadness is Grief's logos and its the Soul's calling to finding a genuine sense of belonging through its full expression in presence. 'My' grief says that I dare to love in face of loosing it all. That I am sensitive to realise the interconnectivity with all life. And I feel fully connected and NOT disconnected from a higher power or whatever the spiritual narrative is. 'My' grief invites me to experience death every day. To be available to this emotion and to share it with a community of other souls, so that it is held as it deserves in its full unequivocal expression. In this way 'my' grief matures, ripes into a way of beingness that is unbreakable and tuned into the Awakened Flow of Rightness. To me, this is 'the true seat of my power'.

Every day I am asking myself, how do I draw on the wisdom, beauty and strengths of other people, animals and Nature, so that in challenging situation/s I trust that waves of courage, intuition and rightness will be supplied by the Universe? The feeling that I am acting on behalf of something bigger than me that does not need to know the outcome (though there is always an outcome) does help me a lot to hold the Trust. And I remind myself that the law of Synergy is powerful, hence the power of living a more aligned life (embodied values, visions, sensibilities) moves through me and is transmitted to everyone around me and beyond.

I love this poem by Rashani Rea, which I read in a book and would like to share:

There is a brokeness

out of which comes the unbroken,

a shatteredness

out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is sorrrow

beyond all grief which leads to joy

and a fragility

out of whose depths emerges

strength.

There is a hollow space

too vast for words

through which we pass with each

loss,

out of whose darkness

we are sanctified into Being (capital B here is my addition!).

There is a cry deeper than all sound

whose serrated edges cut the heart

as we break open to the place inside

which is unbreakable and whole,

while learning to sing.

Thank you for offering your space to share our feelings and reflections Jen over a cup of tea. Precious!

Wise Love Heart

Hi all,

I think its the synchronistic that  I'm reading this novel called "Aadujeevitham" . Its a true story of  a man who had to endure slavery in a desert tending goats and finds his way back home after many years of intense suffering. I found it very inspiring and emotive. Thought i would share it here. Take a look if guys feel like. Im also feeling very low ,so I'm a bit short on words. Love to you all 

https://www.amazon.com/Goat-Days-Benyamin-Joseph-Koyippally/dp/01434163…

Vimal

In reply to by Vimal V

Hello Vimal,

Wow - thanks so much for sharing this! The word/concept of slavery/captivity have been coming up lately. I can also relate to what is described in the amazon summary you shared as "Memories of the lush, verdant landscape of his village and of his loving family haunt". This is also part of what I am experience...a mourning or sense of loss for another way of living, being, experiencing. Thanks Vimal - its a touching reflection. <3 Jen

wow - these are powerful sharings everyone, Jen, Apollonius, Marye Praying Emoji

A few things jump right out for me. First the challenge of parenting...

I try to control things, try to prevent. I am scared to allow their (children) full exploration as the odds seem stacked against them.

Been there with you Jen, got plenty of tea shirts! For me, in looking back, I see that two things were meant to work hand in hand: allow them the exploration, yes, but boundaries are essential too - I can see that things would have gone 'off the edge' had I not. Then to ask oneself "why I manifested this?" "Why I drew it to me?" And it's in the seeming impossibility of the paradox - to be able to sit in that, and just go deeper. But how does such self-realisation help the situation? I can only say that from experience it does. It's like you hold the crucible of inquiry, which they can feel at a soul level. They will feel your allowance, yet they'll somehow pick up the boundary - to some degree. Crucially, it invites you to be and express yourself on all levels, at the deepest levels. Heart

Apollonius, this leapt off the screen...

I'm very close to lose my home and all my stuff and wonder what my role could than possibly be within this society. But all the fear this generates also at the same time expands my consciousness....it's a beautiful paradox. 

I'm right there with you. I've been there a thousand times! And in many ways I still am. And yes, the paradox expands incredibly, and always a solution reveals itself out of the expansion. We just have to keep letting go, and the flow of consciousness will do the rest. If we take that step which is being called, the universe comes to meet us. But it takes phenomenal trust - the kind that causes you to fly!

Another one on the conspicuous consumption within society - it's reached pandemic proportions! One of my favourite past times has been sitting in a coffee/tea shop just watching everything move around me. I'll often sit aghast, watching shoppers with their bags and 'clobber', heads stuck in 'smart' phones, carrying on today just like it was yesterday. And there's been anger and frustration, yes - it didn't have to go the way it's going! There was a possibility of being completely divinely connected in the higher dimensions, AND living at one with the earth in the 3D. Nevertheless, we've turned that corner of no return for the 3D biosphere now - I'm clear in my heart and mind about that. So for me, I've totally accepted that. We're moving toward a new paradigm, through an event line which, to me, feels completely irreversible. But I also find solace in the knowing that a wonderful 3D reality will recreate, on other planets, and possibly here too, in the distant future, when the cleansing realignment has happened.

Let's stay with the shift guys - we're all in exactly the right circumstances to succeed as souls from what is set to take place. It's tough at times, yes, but these are the times we're built for. I call it "Blade Running"!

My heart goes out to all you Blade Runners

Open Thumbs Up SignHeartPraying Emoji

 

Hi Jen, I can relate to what you're saying in the sense that I also feel i'm plopped into the wrong kind of world sometimes. I struggle to make ends meet as an artist and live like a total recluse and feel anger at the state the world's in right now. What's the point....where are we heading for....and how many years until we can't live here anymore? I think you summarised it already that the answer seems to lie in the non-identification with this drama. I'm very close to lose my home and all my stuff and wonder what my role could than possibly be within this society. But all the fear this generates also at the same time expands my consciousness....it's a beautiful paradox. And I know at some moment it will all click into place. I sense that in your case you're actually asking yourself the question (at some level) who you really are without your role as a mother and maybe your role in general in your family. By having these challenges and these emotions rising to the surface, it seems you're nudged to feel beyond them so to eventually release the identification with the different roles you're playing. (And then you can truly let your kids have the experience they wanted to have at a soul level.) In my case it seems to be heading that way so I can let go of the 'guy who is against the system' and feels he's out of place. You might have not needed this answer because you probably already knew all this but hey, I have to express myself every now and then to clarify my own situation. Smliing I hope for the both of us and everybody reading this one day we will feel that we're at the right place at the right time.  

with love, Eelke/Apollonius.

 

In reply to by Apollonius

Hey Appolonius! So great to read your reply! It causes me to reflect on how much of my attention gets sucked into the physical/emotional/mental when i am tripping out in my fears and attachments...the sense of interconnectedness, the magic, the beauty, the light seems to be absent.  I am wondering at how much this resistance to the state of the world only serves to feed the energy that I am resisting and cut myself off from the wider view. It feels natural to feel that frustration and anger with the state of things but it's interesting for me to notice that I am ineffectively fighting against it. 

As far as identification with the role of mother - thank you so much for your heartfelt reflections. I feel the question for me is "How can I be me while in the role of mother? How can I love and care for them without getting identified as "protector" or needing to shape particular outcomes?"  Perhaps it is the sense that "I am their mother" that causes me to have such personal investment in the outcome. Yes, I agree, that all that's arising and the deep sense that I have no control is helping to release me from this.

I love what you say about how all of the fear generated by the circumstances is also expanding consciousness...yes I can relate to that! Contemplating what that might be like to lose your home and all your belongings and how the question of what your role in society might be. What a crucible I imagine that is...and yes I can see how it touches the attachment points and is helping you release identification with "the guy who feels he's out of place"...when you have no physical place, perhaps your true place is revealed. 

You said "I hope for the both of us and everybody reading this one day we will feel that we're at the right place at the right time." That is so very beautiful!  To feel that it is right, to feel that whatever the challenges, whatever the world looks like - we are in the right place at the right time - how can that not be true...yes to feel that and truly stop fighting against ourselves - I celebrate that possibility within each of us!!!!

Much love and thanks for sharing your experiences with heart and openness,

Jen

 

Dear Jen,

Thanks for sharing this! Although I am not a mother myself, I can in so many ways relate to what you wrote here....! Somehow a synchronicity that appeared for me this weekend springs to mind, a big poster of Stephen King’s latest book ‘the Outsider’ at the train station, which somehow really hit home for me.

Outsider

I can absolutely relate to the anger and rage about what is happening in the world and about being here (lately I have been having a lot of feelings of not wanting to be here, feeling lonely and out of place). And at the same time feeling like an outsider with the vision of what a different world might be possible that others don't seem/want to see other than as an impossible utopia. 

Heart

Marije

In reply to by Marye

Hey Marije - Yeah it doesn't feel like it's about being a mom specifically - its just the thing that is touching all these feelings. The Outsider is an interesting reflection as it's a feeling that's been with me since childhood. There is something about being in battle that really hits home too...that it is like me against the world. Sounds like a victim or martyr energy in that. So where is the effective way of being in this?  

I see the gifts of this anger - it's not something I have touched often and seems to fuel the passion and will to meet the challenges, but also fuels control. 

The feeling of inadequacy and powerlessness gets overwhelming - I notice my initial pattern is to give up or go into idealized wishful thinking(why can't it be like this or that?). Perhaps also I am pointing my finger at the world and getting lost in projections rather than looking at myself and finding the surrender and the will to meet the moment. 

I imagine we all experience the sadness or anger at the injustice and manipulation in the world...it feels natural to experience that and challenging to find acceptance in it without giving up. But, we are here for a reason...as much as I would like to think this was a big mistake LOL!! Essential also to connect to the true seat of our power. Will that becomes control and force is exhausting, acceptance can become complacency....interesting to find alignment in all this. 

Thanks so much Marije <3 Jen

I am experiencing some deeply challenging feelings and thought I would share here and call in some reflections. Lately the way I experience the world is causing eruptions of anger and outrage, shaking inside, and strong waves of energy coming up from the core- the pain of witnessing our children and our planet be consumed by what feels like a machine that wants to devour  and simultaneously feeling alone in the concern. When I express to others, I feel their repulsion to the intensity of my feelings - I feel that I am too much. There is resistance to the intensity of outrage or the yearning to create something new.  The vision of other possibilities is reflected back to me as an impossible utopia or wishful thinking.  In reaction to the world's state, I go into struggle and out fear of unwanted outcomes, I try to control things, try to prevent. I am scared to allow their (children) full exploration as the odds seem stacked against them. I feel resistance to everything they want to consume and feel angry that we are here..that this is the place that I am to be in this role of mother. I really struggle with this - I don't want to be a mother in this world - and feel as though I was plopped in the wrong place.  It feels like a constant uphill battle and the way I am being in this moment is not helping at all. I know this. I know I am being the control that I am trying to protect them from. I know that I am making them and myself into a victim of life and negating their own soul sovereignty and ablity to get lost and found in the dynamic. At times I give up as it feels the only other option...I know there is another way and that I can accept and trust in their journey while not being complacent either.  They may get lost and never found and I may not be able to do anything about it. Discernment is very tricky in this place...between boundaries and control. They are at an age where they insist on their experience of the world and all of their peers and social contacts are reflecting back to them the normalcy of violence (video gaming) and consumption of junk on every level. The anger i feel is "Why is this ok??!" How do we feel it's ok to post billboards that say "you can have top shelf breasts" or make cartooning killing games. How is it that the intervention can influence people to go along with this and allow our children to grow and develop in a place like this? At the core of it I am feeling powerless and inadequate to meet this parenting journey. I feel as though I am not meant to be here - I don't have the skills to navigate it. I suppose that's exactly why I am here lol - to release myself from the overidentification and find the skills to navigate. This is sort of a rant, and has loads of distortion, but it helps to express it and hear/feel myself. ok, open to and welcoming any of your experiences and how you navigate as well as any reflections on where I am getting stuck. Much love to you all listening <3 Jen

Thank you Dear Erica - what you share is so beautiful.

"Loved unloved loved unloved loved unloved conditions like shackles bind my heart. Like a Yoyo. Spoken words lash tear leave wounds. What is inside of it all within this moment"

These words especially spoke into the arising feelings. It's amazing as I feel lightness coming through as I have worked through a lot of density today all around a sense of being unsupported...there is a broader perspective at this moment - and have sat with these pieces, little chards of brokenness that seem to become a house of glass at times.

Thank you for feeling with me and reminding me of our beautiful infusion dance =)

With love Jen

I wrote this and felt to share. I feel you, I'm brought back in time to the intimate yet separate moments we shared just a few mornings ago, to be independent within our own energies yet aware of the dance naturally arising as our souls unleashed through these physical bodies. Here's a few words that flowed through me....Loved unloved loved unloved loved unloved conditions like shackles bind my heart. Like a Yoyo. Spoken words lash tear leave wounds. What is inside of it all within this moment
I search for the light within the experience yet the tangible concepts warp and morph through my outstretched hand.
Intoxicatingly blinding the truth with emotions tangled from the infertile ground with the innate sense to live thrive within the barren conditions. Strength without vulnerability yet vulnerable to the inertia of strength. Words like daggers pierce the delicate shell of love. Desolate left behind I ROAR silence no more. Misconstrued misinterpreted missed... it all just misses as the defined physical target takes the hits. If only the soul could be seen. If only people looked with their hearts maybe it wouldn't be so easy to miss fire miss words miss construe miss miss miss... it all just misses as it's stuck within the time warp of physicality

Love to you
Erica