Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).

Comments

Going deeper with all of this...the tears are pouring out as I feel there is only me, the deep sense of isolation and utter aloneness. It feels so overwhelming to hold this all together within myself...who can give me a hug or really hold this pain...there is no-one - just me to hold it for myself. Why am I experiencing life this way? I feel torn between fully living and getting out of here.

I don't know how to be...there is a struglle withing between total vulnerability and total protection...and in the midst of that there is the warmth of the ocean surrounding me, where I feel safe and held, buoyant and warm. From that place, beingness can arise but it flows into these fixed structures of all protection or all vulnerable...so much judgement on both sides of this coin I flip between ...judging myself for being closed off and cold and then judging myself for being needy and weak in my vulnerability. There are truths and distortions in both and in the confusion, I settle back to the ocean and pull out of relating or numb myself in other ways.

I don't know how to breakthrough this cycle...I feel so identified with it right now. Will keep being with it but if anyone has a helpful reflection I am open.

Thank you. Love, Jen

Since the retreat last week I have felt unsettled - so many fragments it's been hard to express clearly. Everything seems to come through one fragment or another. What I am recognizing through the experiences is that the child in me seeks validation, love, approval, safety and security from others - there has been a seraching and finding of the places I can stop taking care of all my needs on my own and hand over the burden to another. I have felt this hole in the foundation that in this life was amplified by my father leaving at the age of 3 and never being a reliable or effective caregiver. It's made it very challenging for me to let go of the safety I assembled as an adult - having found and projected out a sense of home onto another, I feel like an ill equipped, unready child being asked to go get in the world. In truth I know I am completely equipped with plenty of internal resources and have over and over found the sense of capability and joy in stepping out from behind the others in my life, but this energy of being small and unable to go it alone is strong and causes me to hold onto the threads that remain.

Then there is another piece...as Open writes about in 5 Gateways, the teenager protects the child. What I have noticed is that everytime the vulnerability of the child is threatened...everytime there is the feeling of being left out, of not fitting it, of not being wanted, there is a wall of untouchability that arises, proclaiming "I am fine, noone bothers me, noone touches me, I don't need anyone or anything" - isolation, false strength and truly untouched by love as well as the pain.

I am also seeing the spiritual identity that supports the idea of "needing noone or nothing".

The questions that come up are - Where is the place for physical human connection on a physical and emotional level? I feel blocked from this and inside it returns to feeling the love within me - yet I feel a barrier between me and the world as I perceive it.. which must be a reflection of the barrier to love within myself - to love myself through the arising need to attach to others validation, safety, security, love, to love myself through the harsh inner judgements of the teenager that would have be untouched by all feeling.

When we were in meditation at the retreat and I spoke of being untouchable and separated from the world an image of a woman appeared in my third eye...she was cloaked in light around her head, shoulders, chest and back and at first her face was dark with no features and then it turned to a face of pure serenity eyes and lips closed with face lifted toward the light, smiling. She appeared like a nun..I got the sense this was either some past life influence or pointing to how I am relating now...with connection spiritually but cut off when it comes to relating in the world.

Deep breath...lots of stuff...finding the strength right now to just commit to the practices that deepen connection inside and let go of the things that numb and isolate me.

Lots of love,
Jen

Thank you Trinity! I feel a natural flow of being inward and allowing that to also flow outward.... I can get tight about flowing outward. When I do, I often find joy in relating and then of course I also find vulnerability and the feelings of weakness that I mentioned above. Yes, as you said Triniy... "soften myself around 'everything being within" and I realize it's being who I am in the full human experience and feeling through all the vulnerable messiness of relating. Otherwise It seems I am denying the path of the Soul....I am feeling a pull to relate more fully in the body and to meet and allow whatever arises without fighting it.

Something arising to add here... It's that piece about the weakness ... How much resistance there is to feeling it and how identified I become with it.... Once it arises, it seems as though everything around me is also buying into the weakness I am feeling... That the mirror is showing me how powerless I am... Becomes excruciating. Always another chance to work with that and especially the identification that happens.

Thank you for the feedback <3

with love, Jen

Hi all! Some things coming together... It's clear that there is a pattern of protecting myself by not showing anyone how I feel... It's allowed me to feel in control and "strong"... Feeling the effects of challenging that way of being... Allowing things in, feeling how I truly feel is one thing, but allowing that when relating to others is where I am challenged. I feel a sense of loss of perceived power as I soften the fortress around me and allow a sense of support to be there....allowing a letting down of the need to contain it all, relaxing around the need to be with it all on my own. Feelings of weakness and loss of power are strong as I perceive (perhaps misperceive) that others feel powerful the more I show my feelings and that I am then perceived as weak... This must all be happening inside me ...and there is a hypervigilance around what feels to be others perceptions, how I am seen. I also feel confusion around finding it all within myself and where that becomes isolation and shutting out the shared experience. Where is the rightness in that?

On a side note I shared the most incredible experience today maneuvering through incredible mountain bike trails... I loved the challenge and the level of focus and engagement that is required .... I felt so alive... Focused here and now, how to move, how to be in this precise moment, how to navigate the obstacles by staying focused but not zooming into the obstacles... Keeping the sense of focus here but also just in front of me on the path through.

Would love some input on the dynamic of needing nothing outside of me and yet being open to the shared experience.

With love,
Jen

This past week I attended some breathwork training and lots came up.

We were asked to facilitate a partner with everyone else watching. Just the idea started to create a sense of panic, of being trapped, being observed and picked at... Part of me was working to stay centered and but the other part that was scared to death found its way through and there was the feeling of being experimented on, of being a subject- poked and prodded at and unable to leave - a strong feeling of not being in the right place, I don't belong here. Then came the feeling of ideas being placed in my head, programming, brainwashing and needing to protect myself from that. I wanted to cut my head off... And felt the facility to function in relation to others shutting down. There was and still is so much pain in my head. Two points at the base of my skull that surround my skull and cover my forehead and tighten through the jaw. Enormous pressure behind my eyes and nauseous. My body shook for quite some time as I felt through the experience - full body especially through the legs and shoulders.

From what I experienced I see the fear around mental manipulation and the resultant shut down that happens when I feel people are trying to push information into me. I see the intervention in all of this experience and clearly there is an implant felt in the points in my head and jaw...

The hook is the feeling I get when engaging with others and feeling they are trying to manipulate me or feed me their ideas or allowing others' ways of being to supplant my own. I get tight and energetically defensive or drop connection to mind, into feeling in body and just hear without focus or absorption. I also notice I get sucked into the self doubt that arises and squeezes the solar plexus. I find it hard to come through that place. I imagine there is an invitation to open to the experience more without shutting down around self doubt...relax into it and keep mental facilities and discernment on board... Remembering I can hear and receive without it getting in and rewiring me and that staying present through it all is the key.

I had a dream last night about finding a room where anything I have ever thought, felt, experienced could be accessed and seen by others watching.

Today on the flight back home I felt drawn to watch a tv series called The Path... It ended up being about a spiritual cult... There was a lot of truth in what they were based on but clearly manipulation and programming happening.

Lots to digest here ... Thanks for the space to share.

With love,
Jen

Wow - that's a phenomenal experience Jen - huge - well done for picking up the signs, even if you missed an earlier few.

It's so easy to make judgments about people - but we forget: it's also possible to make 'positive' judgments too!

Clearly you're doing great!

Open *OK*

This has been a wild day...tonight I was sitting outside of starbucks sipping on some kava I brought with me and a man walks up from the parking lot.. we share a casual hello and then he decides to sit with me...just says "you look sparkly, I think I'll sit here " I forgot my daughter had put blue sparkles in the center of my forehead today. I am use to people approaching me and telling me stuff about themselves so I wasn't overly alarmed, though looking back it is weird that I didn't just say no - I want to sit here alone. I notice I was just watching it and waiting to see what is going on here, why this is happening - receptive to what it was showing me. At this point I notice he has a medical bracelet on and a tribal bracelet with a thunderbird on it...he also appears to be wearing medical pants. His conversation shifts into a more agitated place and my solar plexus starts to alert me that he is unstable. Then he starts to tell me he needs a ride somewhere and how his brother had him baker acted. He starts to play with a hairtie that was on his wrist and strangely I start to feel like he wants to put it on my throat. At that point I am putting stuff away and going inside to move away from him.

It all happened really fast, and though I moved once my solar plexus was informing me, I must have missed an earlier landing of what was going on there...clearly I noticed the medical bracelet and his affect was a bit off...but because I was waiting for a clear signal from the body I feel like I stayed too long. OMG I just realized something! Early in the conversation, he was saying he needed to get to this phone company and my attention was drawn to a yellow sign just behind his head that said Sprint! I totally missed it because I was waiting for a signal elsewhere in the body.

Hi guys! Sharing some things to bring some focus internally. I feel like I am circling and unable to find traction. There are powerful flows of energy through the body but a mantle of heaviness through my arms. I feel so much joy and lightness, connectedness, fluidity and at the same time feel frustration...all these ideas come - more a sense of productivity as an energy - it excites me and yet it feels like running on ice because nothing goes anywhere - it just stays inside me. So today I was driving and being with these feelings and saw the words "something missing" and asked yeah, what is that? and saw a big trailor truck with the words Horseless Carriage and felt yes, I feel behind the flow, I feel the horsepower is lacking and just then a car rear ends me while I am sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right...I had started to go but had to quickly stop as someone unexpectedly u-turned at the interesection and would have collided with me had I gone. The man got out of his car proclaiming oh yeah there's no damage to your vehicle. I insisted that I take a pciture of his insurance card all the same as there may be damage underneath the surface. Initially what I felt was a push forward - but also recognizing that it is some stuff underneath that is causing me to hesitate...perhaps the potential for collision with others...

ahhh - it just struck me that the man was reflecting the aspect of me saying "no I am totally good" and keeping up the strong exterior, while underneath there is more happening. I sense the programming and inner criticism of being lazy and slow and unproductive and the part of me that is pushing me forward - "you are FINE, get out there and make something, be something!" Intellectually I realize that is not aligned creation, but it's incredible seeing this pushy, inner perfectionist and how it feels to this softer side - what it does - how it distorts expression.

As I reflect... There are things that cause the aligned focus and forward motion to become stalled but there are also places that I am being pushed from within... Pressured to be or do something specific. So as the energy arises I tend to just start flinging the energy around... Into this and that ... Becomes a need to express the active energy inside and then a judgement of how I am wasting it. The experience seems to be inviting me to feel the energy and not act until something is clearly invited.

Thank you Open for the reflection. Yes, I am working with finding a rightness in how I engage especially in immediate family dynamics. There is a gnawing responsibility I am carrying for my children's paths which is rooted in a lack of trust - it causes me to be overly engaged and controlling. So, I am watching myself in the dynamics and working to find a rightness in when to engage and when to hold the space and how intimately I do that. Lots of stuff comes up around that that I am working with. Thank you for the feedback - it's very helpful. <3 Jen

I can totally empathise with what you're experiencing Jen. For some time, it's been important for me to tune into the guidance coming from higher realm (9th/10th/11th dimensions) as a way of life. Which is not at all easy in this very distracting 3D realm. I've learned to apply a shifting boundary, which increases and reduces attention in the 3D - it's like a dynamic filter and happens naturally.

As I experienced this developing, it did seem to contradict with being fully compassionately open to people in day-to-day life, in a 3D way. But then I realised it serves neither them nor me simply to be tuned into their programs. It actually serves very little but to enhance them!

After which, I became increasingly comfortable with the filter, which comes and goes, strengthens and wanes dependent on the situation and environment.

Maybe my reflection might help a degree.

Open :-)

Having an interesting experience today getting more familiar with distraction. With a child home today, I set to study some material I am working on. It took a while just to get to the point where I was actually sittting down with it and ready to focus...i was allowing lots of random things to scatter my attention. As I began to focus, I found it near impossible...a man is here painting my kitchen and playing Jamaican music, my son is calling from his bedroom for something to eat, the dog won't stop barking because the man keeps coming in and out of the door. Frustration starts building and I find myself wanting to either stop studying or go outside where there is less noise. Neither of those feel right so I just stop, close my eyes and pay attention to what is going on inside. I see these distractions are a reflection of where I am letting my attention go inside...allowing all the little mice in my mind to pull me away from focusing my energy. As I sat with this and watched the impulses and urges arising inside - noticing how I have not been discerning about where my energy is going, becuase I have not been fully present with what is driving the mind...just literally moments into sitting with all of this, the external noises totally stopped...the man must have left for lunch, but the music was off, the dog was quiet, my son was off in his own space.

There is an element of procrastination when it comes to applying myself...there is a scattering happening in the mind that sends me off in mindless activities and then I just feel an intense pressure of time...guilt, ineffectiveness.

I am on this now...focus feels key.

So I am having a powerful exploration with expression when it comes to the intellect. Some earlier child hood memories are arising around not wanting people to see me as intelligent...in fact pretending to not know anything. In grade school there was a point where I stopped contributing what I really thought and started to raise me hand and say things purposefully wrong or silly just to get a laugh... a way to control the sense of embarrassment I felt when I answered honestly but got laughed at...this way I could laugh along and not feel vulnerable about sharing the truth of how I saw things. That set up a long standing identity of not being very aware - that felt safe but false.

So immediatly following an exploration this week around what happens when an environment or person is stimulating an invitation to an intellectual sharing, I have gotten some great opportunities to see what is happening inside. What I have noticed is that I am very comfortable speaking from the place of emotion and feeling but as soon as my solar plexus is engaged, I feel very naked - exposed and then a feeling of caving in and as I am speaking I am watching myself speak and separating from the feeling in the solar plexus, separating from the words in a way that creates this vast space between me and the expression coming through.

So, as this is arising over the last few days, I noticed something else can happen here...there is a great SUPPORT in the solar plexus when I embrace that vulnerable feeling and don't separate from the expression by watching from a distance - but instead stay right with the flow of words as it is arising now. I have been noticing the immediate urge to jump out of focus when asked to share something of a non-emotional nature and tuning into the solar plexus I find a strength there that helps facilitate a clear, focused expression.

I will be working with this one - staying connected to physical, emotion, intellect. In a meditation the other night, it felt like I could sense three distinct vibes as I breathed through each layer.

All for now - feels good to share - helps me integrate.
with love all!
Jen

Hey Marije,

The way you are exploring and diving into what is arising for you, will surely unveil more and more of the beauty of you! Yes, I too find that sharing on the forums greatly facilitates self-realization!

Lots of love,
Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the further sharings! I am not sure I immediately resonate with ‘being a waste of energy’, however as I was reading your posts somehow the word ‘obligation’ came to mind in relation to our exchange here. And then as I reread one of your earlier posts and I realized you already alluded to that as well:
I can relate to the "all or nothing" at times feeling something similar... For me it was something about obligation or getting it right - overdoing at times so that nothing got missed

A lot of my ‘doing’ is related to a sense of obligation and I am not yet sure where the root of that comes from. It is like there is this pressure to fulfill my obligations and if I don’t it makes me feel unfulfilled. When I think about it sometimes my life just feels like one big obligation. For example, even here on the forum when people have responded to something I wrote, I feel this sense of obligation to reply to all of them, to say thank you, etc. and it makes me feel uncomfortable if I don’t. And this sense of obligation gets priority over how my soul feels to express, so only once I have fulfilled ‘my obligations’ (not often), is there really room for my soul’s expression.

So fascinating how the exchanges here can lead to constant new insights!

With love,

Marije

Hey Marije! I just felt something when I re-read your post and wondered if there is ever the feeling of being a "waste of energy"? Maybe just something that relates to my own process but felt to share it with you. I am sure you will find the threads inside that speak to you. Much love on your journey, Jen

Ahh yes I can relate to that... I am presentlly working with how much energy I spend managing people and how they are being but not being as attentive to how I am being. I sense a deeper commitment to "how do I truly feel to express" all the time is invited of me. What really makes my soul sing in this moment? When I align with that I find fulfillment is there as well. Love to you, Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the reflection back! There is definitely a resonance with where my energy is going in relation to fulfilment, although right now I can’t see yet exactly how. Something to do with investing my energy into things that don’t actually bring me fulfilment ….

Love,

Marije

Hi Marije!

Thank you for sharing as it is all a great reflection for me as well. Something to mention and if it doesn't resonate with you, then just let it ride on by =). The words "waste of energy" spiked for me in your sharing in relation to a sense of unfulfillment. So perhaps something to explore where there is a waste of energy... Where your energy is going and how that feels in relation to fulfillment. Those words spoke to me personally as well so thank you!! Xo Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your response. You asked ‘I wonder how it felt for you to reply to the piece you felt to and not need to "do it all’. As I read your question, the word that immediately came to mind is ‘unfulfilled’. And there is something about wasting my energy, like if I can’t do it all then any effort on it is just a waste of energy (easy to see where procrastination comes from). Interesting, I can feel there is more to be explored here, particularly around the feeling of unfulfillment.

Love,

Marije

Hi Marije!

Thank you for sharing how you relate to what I am experiencing. Funny things is over the last few days the energy has totally changed! I feel beautiful waves of energy swelling up from the root (which i usually don't feel so much) and just a warm expansive sense of ahhhhhhhh... I feel in the body and yet totally fluid. This is even more so today... I notice some things like my typical support system here is gone and I have to say I love being, living in the experience of my capability and connection to support beyond the one I have perceived I need in life. Today I spent time with the trees, the ground, the water... Laying down on a sandy beach and feeling absolutely complete... Just luxuriating in the sense of the sounds, the sensations, moving slowly and feeling the deliciousness of the experience of it all. Maybe it's spring beginning to land here ... The warmth the birds but something feels very different energetically. I laughed when I saw that post about the dam as well Marije! Thank you for highlighting that for me!

I can relate to the "all or nothing" at times feeling something similar... For me it was something about obligation or getting it right - overdoing at times so that nothing got missed... Sometimes overextending to avoid the perception of leaving something or someone out.... I wonder how it felt for you to reply to the piece you felt to and not need to "do it all".

The shoulders are an interesting exploration for me... I have been playing with what it feels like when I allow the feeling of my shoulders rising and rolling in... What does that highlight for me? How do I feel about myself? About the moment? Then noticing how I feel and what arises when I bring them back down ... Something in me is getting activated and when I be with what is arising as my body wants to move I can touch that energy... Still working with it! It makes a lot of sense what you said about what comes up for you when you reverse that movement... The discomfort you feel in the unwinding...I imagine the movement toward contraction in the body is mirroring a need to contract around a particular feeling/ experience... Great that you can give yourself permission to back off when you need to!

Great to connect with you Marije!

With love,
Jen

Hi Jen,

I hear you loud and clear in your post on ‘finding balance’! As I read your post that resonated a lot, I felt inclined to respond, but didn’t immediately have the opportunity to do so. It was interesting to then observe myself in familiar patterns of procrastination in responding to your message. By the time I read your message there had been other messages on the forum that I resonated with and meanwhile there were new messages that I felt to respond to. Also in the meantime other people responded to your message, so I felt I somehow had to take their responses into account in mine too. So rather than just responding to your message, there is something in me that feels like it needs to respond to all at once and then when more things start piling up, the more daunting the thought of responding becomes. There seems to be some kind of internal ‘all or nothing’ programming, which so often drives me into procrastination, because if the ‘all’ seems to much to do at once, I get stuck in the ‘nothing’. I guess it actually relates to the ‘finding balance’ theme of your post and the following you wrote:
it feels like if I am not right on top of everything, super focused and hyper vigilant then I get underneath the world and it just swamps me, beats me down.
So here I am, only responding to your message and leaving my responses to any others aside.Let's see how that feels inside.....

Yes, I recognise the feeling of having to be super strong all the time and the feelings of heaviness, meaninglessness, confusion, not wanting to be here, not wanting to deal with boundary issues. And shoulders have always been a weak spot in my body, particularly the right one. Like you, I feel that there is a lot underneath the surface there, which I have only just scratched. Lately I have been trying to be more aware of the position of my shoulders as I have a tendency to hunch them and I have noticed that I when consciously push them backwards when I notice that I am hunching, it often feels like tension is starting to be unwound (which for me often comes with an urge to yawn). Yet at the same time the unwinding can sometimes feel a little too much and become uncomfortable, which is when my shoulders tend to want to hunch back to where they came from.

Funny that you concluded your post with ‘feels like a lot of water behind that dam’ around the same time that the Oroville Dam in California had a bit too much water behind it too ☺.

Thanks for sharing your flow of things with us!

Much love!

Marije

Yes I absolutely agree with what you say Trinity. Being strong can be so many things; not saying what you mean, making allowances, not showing your emotions, pleasing people, not making waves, walking on eggshells, putting up with stuff. And it's all around us, at work, at home, with partners, with children, on the bus, in the supermarket. But why do we do this? Sometimes I think we need to, with our children for example, but for the rest of the time it feels like we need to keep our masks strong and keep plastering over those cracks. Is that being true to who we are are? Is it reinforcing a false identity that we have created for ourselves?
Once we can allow our own truth to be shown, let our barricades fall, then there is nothing to keep up, nothing to maintain, we know our truth, there is nothing there, nothing yet everything.

Some of what we are keeping in can be negative stuff, but I think its also worth considering and practicing being true to our positive thoughts. Like how often do you see someone do something nice or someone who looks beautiful? And we keep it in, all to ourselves. Can you imagine if we voiced our positive vibes, how much sunshine that would bring to people!

It really could make all the difference :-)

Jo

In reply to by jolucy

Hi Jo and thank you for sharing your contemplation! =) How true it is that acting strong is purely that - an act, a protection, a need of some sort. Somewhere in there we know our true strength and all that acting is an attempt to connect to what is authentic and naturally arising when we stop trying to be something. I love your sunnyness.

With love,
Jen

I wonder do any of you feel like you have to be super strong all the time? I don't want to be, it's exhausting...it feels like if I am not right on top of everything, super focused and hyper vigilant then I get underneath the world and it just swamps me, beats me down. The other alternative is lifting up the anchor and sailing off into lala land LOL. Lately I have been really working with being grounded and what that now brings is awareness of the pain I am carrying around...just heaviness, meaninglessness, confusion, not wanting to be here, not wanting to deal with all these boundary issues, not wanting to feel like I am in a constant battle. I notice my shoulders are constantly rising and caving in around my heart...there is so much tightness in my shoulders. When I place my hands on them and breathe deeply, I feel a sorrow and a burden deep below the surface that I don't seem to have complete access to. Seeking some balance...I have been drawn more into practicing yoga again and more soul motion which is all helping to stay connected to the body, feel the tightness, but connect to the lightness as well. It's a delicate dance to feel it all and not get sucked completely into blahhhhh. I wonder what it would be like to be here, and let go of the need to be strong...feels like a lot of water behind that dam.

Dear Jen,

I have been drawn to crosses / crossroads too. Reading your sharing I had a sense of you sitting at the centre with energies flowing in and out, across and through. For me I recently saw two aeroplane trails crossing over reflected in my car window and another cross reflected in water. It felt poignant that the crosses were directly above me, 'x' marks the spot, the centre, the here and now and also reflective that the 'x' was a reflection both times, the centre flowing from above and reflecting below, through the different dimensions, a point in space and time. Then it dropped in about the flows of the divine masculine and divine feminine too, crossing over, finding the balance, and for me right now how I am being invited to bring in and flow through the Divine Feminine, 'xx', flowing more gently, gracefully and deeply... nurturing, feeling, healing and balancing...

There is an orange street light on day and night, right outside my house at the mo too, the universe reminding me to shine the light on and through the sacral.

I felt the balance of masculine and feminine reflected through your boarding experience; centring/grounding with your left foot and bringing the right foot to join it - beautiful <3 Riding the wave, awesome!!

Going back to the young boy you sometimes dream of, I was reminded of a tool that I sometimes use and wonder if you have come across it: Whereby you re-enter/journey into a dream from a meditative place and shine light and awareness on it.... open your heart to it.... and open to what is being invited. Just felt to share <3 as I have been where you are with regard to the challenge of letting words of love and kindness come in.

With an expanded heart full of love and connection

Michelle xxx

In reply to by Michelle Boyle

Dear Michelle,

I love the way you describe these crossroads...especially the "centre flowing from above and reflecting below, through the dimensions, a point in space and time". You perceive in a way that I relate too - thank you for sharing these insights!
The horse has been speaking to me strongly since I sat at the meeting place of horse and human. That night my daughter and I watched a film called "Windstorm" about a dark horse that would not be contained, whose wild spirit was untamable. In the story a free spirited young girl who can attune to and communicate with the horse forms a special bond with the animal through feeling and shared internal images there is a resonance and a dance that allows them to journey together. In the movie, four aspects needed to be developed before she could even begin to ride with the horse...Balance, Coordination, Rhythm and Perseverance...which all speak of being very much rooted in the body and finding fluidity in all of it - allowing a deeper sense of connection multidimensionally.

You mentioned a tool to re-enter the dream I have of the young boy. It's great that you mention that as I was recenly drawn to a book on my shelf that I read years ago called "Dreaming the Soul Back Home". It suggests a method like you spoke of above. I have at times explored this boy within meditation as I have found him behind a big ballon in my solar plexus and when I let the air out of the balloon, he was there slumped under a tree...when I spoke to him and asked what he needed he expressed that he wanted to love me if I would let him. Lately the "purple heart" has been coming up...in fact it was the reason my inital post about boundaries (above) wouldn't go through - because there was a purple heart emoji that doesn't let the message come through. (And as I say that perhaps that's what won't allow your message of "not being a burden" to be completely allowed in...the purple heart is given by the US military when wounded in service.) Yesterday I was at a restaurant and attention was drawn to a man carrying a purse and then I noticed his purple jacket that said Order of the Purple Heart and then another separate man with a t-shirt on that said "wounded warrior project" - with a tattoo of a blue bird on his arm. Your sharing and refelctions have been immensely supportive and I will be exploring more deeply what I am being shown...more about the wounded and disowned masculine within and the dance of feminine and masculine energies on many levels.

Deep gratitude and big love to you,
Jen

Beautiful Fiona - thank you for bringing us into the cirlce with you and what is sure to be a lovely women's retreat!

So, today I spent some amazing time in nature in silence...the vibration was just astounding...crystallized sparkling, crisp, the sound and feel of it sparkling within me. I could only hear the little movements of birds moving around on the tree branches and leaves as they fell to the ground. How different it is to walk by myself (as much as I enjoy the company of friends) it is an alltogether different feeling. I sat for quite sometime at a crossroads where the walking path and the horses path meet and kept feeling and hearing the sense of a stallion toward me in the corner of my left eye...just outside the place where the physical eye could focus. so powerful and radiant a feeling

I am finding new nimbleness, fluidity, responsiveness in my legs and hips as I play with my son's two wheel skateboard...I am getting it!!! Some things I noticed that are brought out by playing with this way of moving in the world....I have to ground strongly into my left foot and leg on the board before I bring the right foot off the ground and place it on the board as well. I have to move slowly at first and just find balance...when I am really present and sensitive, then I can "duck and swerve" a bit if I begin to fall off or the board slides out from under me. It's taking some practice to find the movement in the hips and feet...there is a special kind of leaning in and out of each foot and it's not very natural yet...I DID get it once and it felt like riding a wave...so cool!!!! Learning so much with this exploration!!

Love to you all!
Jen

Hi Jen and Michelle,

I don't have much time just now as on my way to host a women's midwinter retreat. I just wanted to thank you both for your deep sharing, I am touched. I feel you both and send lots of love. I will light a candle for you in our circle and feel connected.

Btw Jen your question helped greatly, Will share more when get chance.

With much love, Fiona xx

Dear Michelle,

Your words come through as waves of feeling..thank you for your touching sharing, relating and experience - it is so beautiful and heart warming. Even hearing the words, "you are not a burden" are challenging to let in...I hear the tough exterior of me say, Yes, I know I am not a burden, but the softer part tuned into authentic inner feeling receives that and has a hard time believing it...reminds me of that scene in Good Will Hunting that has been shared on this site before.

When I fell I reflected on how I hadn't scraped my hands like this since I was a kid...that burning hot, scraped up feeling that happens when you are trying new things, falling, getting up and trying again. Just a couple days before this my youngest son was teaching me how to skatebaord and encouraging me to try his ripstick..which is a skateboard with only two wheels that requires a lot of balance and a movement through the hips. I was so scared to lift my right foot off the ground, because I didn't want to fall and he just said..."it's ok if you fall mom". When you said the word "jolt" I laughed a little as I am wearing a pair of pants today with the word Jolt written on the label. It did in fact feel like a wake up call...I fell really hard on the ground but actually with very little injury (falling on the cushiest part of my body haha)...I thought I might feel jarred and out of alignement but oddly although my bottom is sore, the rest of me feels loose and fine. There is a fear of falling/failing that holds back my full expression and this fall also showed me so much about that as well. Thank you for sharing about what is happening for you and how you worked with the injury to your shin...it's helped me be more open to receiving the messages of this fall.

Yes, I relate to what you share about this disowned aspect as I have many dreams of a young boy I left behind in the forest - I disown him, or at times I realize I left him behind too long and I find him emaciated, sad and lonely. I see the part of me that doesn't allow access to this - it's a protective layer that may have served a purpose at one point. I feel there is an invitation to bring more awareness and openness to this armoring, to let it step aside so that this sensitive, yet wounded aspect can integrate. It does feel that all of this is moving closer...embracing it all.

When I was in the training that I went to, it wasn't me who was wanting to take people's pain away, it was people in the group wanting to take away mine until I had to say out loud, "I am ok with the pain, I welcome it and allow myself to feel it so that I can move through it"...but I also see a refelction in what you shared in that subtley inside there is a part of me that protects this feeling of being a burden - that deflects and whites out the feeling whenever it arises. This showed up as others trying to protect me from the feeling. I tend to err on the side of not stepping in at all...being a bit cold and what you said here is something I am feeling out as well... "Feeling the pain of others and trusting when it feels 'right' to help and how to do that (especially as I am training in a healing practise at the mo) and practicing centering to flow with intuition in the moment with that." Clearly allowing the full feeling of the authentic feelings that exist under the protective layer is essential..and to allow this disowned aspect of me to come back home.

I love your experience with the rabbits! I have a special blue stone rabbit and a red glass cardinal that I keep with me that remind me of aspects of myself...gentle & sensitive, and free to express who I am, show up in full color and let the Soul be the compass. These animals encourage greater embodiement of who I am.

Sincerest thanks for your willingness to share all of this and for your beautiful energy =)

Much love,
Jen

Ahh Jen, never a burden... not ever... you are a gift, a blessing, you bring beautiful truth and energy. You are perfect, how could you not be and the world is ready to embrace you.

I relate... I recently found myself looking at an aspect of myself who was younger, ashen, hiding under a hood and behind a tree, meagre and scared and as I looked deeply into this aspect of myself, my heart welled with compassion, I listened, felt and nurtured before she would come out from behind the tree. She started to trust that I was honouring her, and she started to feel heard, seen and safe, she took a tentative step forward; we embraced and she wanted to re-integrate, to become whole again and to do that I had to make some promises, I had to promise to nurture, love and embrace myself as the beautiful being that I am, to be gentle, compassionate, lighter...
And she integrated, beautiful, emotional, true. She came with a rabbit which was gentle and wanted to be loved and cared for. Remembering to honour my promise took a little while to become natural and so I would synchronistically see rabbits when I needed a nudge and a reminder. This integration and new way of being opened up flow, deeper connection and an inner strength. Embracing a wounded aspect of me; bringing love, nurturing and acceptance. I didn't fully understand where it stemmed from I just honoured and embraced the feeling.

Thank you so much for your post. I relate so much to what you have shared, with the empathy and wanting to help people and finding the boundaries within that. Feeling the pain of others and trusting when it feels 'right' to help and how to do that (especially as I am training in a healing practise at the mo) and practicing centering to flow with intuition in the moment with that. But it feels as though it is all starting to land.

The shot of pain that seared up your spine stands out for me. To me the energy of it felt re-connective somehow. A jolt, jumpstart maybe...

My kids are struggling at the mo, processing around the loss of their Dad is starting to come up. So tough watching them go through this aspect of their journey, feeling their pain and surrendering to it.
Recently my Son got physical and I ended up with an injury to my shin. It was the greatest blessing, I felt to look up the metaphysical meaning and it talked about not having fully grieved and not moving forward fluidly, it showed me a situation which I was able to let go of which was not serving. Creating space for this to unravel and ever since, help and support have started to flow in :-)

I love the lightness and energy of the dove, feels like a beautiful free vibration. Thank you so much for sharing, for all that you are and all that you bring.

Winging over love and deep compassion for unravelling

Michelle x

Hi Jen,

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to a lot of the things you shared, particularly boundaries, connection and having to be a rock! So thank you for putting it out here on the forum for me to resonate with!

Love,

Marije

Hey Jen,

Thanks for sharing. These words jumped out for me as part of my own process "allowing others to support without becoming dependent." This is certainly something that I have been working with, accepting support when it is right to do so, though not having expectations of others either. There is a fine balance to work with between being ultra independent and so somewhat closed off (as I sometimes tend to be, maybe that's similiar to the rock) and being dependent and/or expectant of others. I've noticed that when I am requiring support and can remain open, the Universe provides and I am given exactly the support I need, often in ways I wouldn't have predicted or even imagined.

Let that fire burn ;)

With love, Fiona

In reply to by Fiona Reilly

Hi Fiona and Tulip... I feel there is more here to open to. What is it that creates the need to be so independent, to be a rock and for me at times unable to receive. Some of it is being resistant to becoming dependent/getting lost in others flow. For me it is becoming clear that deep inside I feel I am a burden... That even those who love me, even benevolent guidance, Gaia, any etheric or physical "friends" actually don't have room for me and my "job" is to be as small and unproblematic as possible. This identity has created a view of being a problem, of not being truly worthy of being loved unless I am easy to be with. And yet, that doesn't suit who I am or even feel like me at all ...It's in complete conflict with how I actually feel to relate to people, to the world, within; though it is coloring the way I relate all the time. It's hard to touch the feeling of this as it feels like as soon as I touch it, it vanishes and I am distracted to a sense of blankness... No feeling, no thought. Much more to explore here- thank you all for vibing with me! And yes Fiona I love what you said about the Universe providing when you remain open and of course receptive to that support! I would be curious to hear about your experiences around needing to be a rock or self sufficient or not open to receiving support if you would like to share =)

Much love,
Jen

Thanks for sharing Jen - beautiful :-)

Of course one of the great challenges of being an empath, is getting lost in the energy of people and surroundings - as you well know <3

When you said...

    "I got in the car and the song "lean on me" was playing on a channel called "the dove" with "rock" for type of music.

The words "Twin Flame" jumped out really strongly for me in this. Maybe it's about really finding and integrating the sense of Twin Flame here and now - seeing it all around and embodying it fully. That might help ease the pain of dissolving into the world.

Wishing you well

Open *give_rose*

In reply to by Open

Thank you Open...Connection has been a big theme for me lately. I noticed my computer connection needed to be completely upgraded lately...new modem and a loose wire in the power cord. I replaced the cord only to get another one with the same problem...so I see I have not resolved this inside myself. I find I don't always pick up on the expanded sense of things when I am in the company of people or chatting...I zoom in too far and miss the subtleties.

I will keep working with it...thank you Open <3

Love, Jen

Thanks for sharing Jen,

Well done on speaking up for empaths, not easy :) I can appreciate what you say about the boundaries, it's so important not to allow others to intrude, I love that you asked for more space.

You seem to be having many powerful realisations, I appreciate you being here, how you work with stuff and your sharing (f)

What stood out for me in the last paragraph is that you didn't accept any of the support offered, I just felt to reflect that back to you. Something also about the contrast between the dove and the rock. I'm sure it will become clearer for you...

With love and big hugs, Fiona

In reply to by Fiona Reilly

Hey Fiona - thank you for your sweet encouragement and support <3!

Yes, your comment helped me see a little something about the rock...something about my feeling of always having to be a rock...sure and steady and solid -how this is part of little "i" identity as these sure, steady, solid qualities are only illusions anyway and the need to be that is "tripping me up". There is something about allowing others to support without becoming dependent...letting go of needing to have it all together without becoming too influenced by others or situations. There is a balance that I have not yet found and some kind of truth in the solidity, inner assurance without rigidity that I am playing with. I feel that energy inside myself and how positively people respond to it..it's a certain kind of fire rather than the water/wind I usually feel.

The dove is really helpful for me as well as it is on the cover of a book I recently read and i have been tuned into their sound more recently.

Thank you Fiona!

Love,Jen

In reply to by Open

Yes ... Just three words and you get the gist of it!! =)

A bit more of what I shared....
Last week the universe paired me up with a travel buddy on route to a training I attended... She shared so many qualities with me but also reflected a version of me with clear boundaries and no problem speaking up for herself. In addition she was more receptive and quiet than me in areas that helped me see my own assertiveness, decisiveness and great sense of humor (LOL!)

There were multiple occasions where I spoke up for myself within the context of the training relating to perceptions about empaths as well as a strong need within half the group to hug, touch, take away people's feelings. These were not easy but I felt compelled to speak up and felt tremendous support to do so... I was shaking and my throat wanted to close down but my voice came from deep within strong and steady.

I did find a limitation within myself though regarding boundaries and this came down to how I respond when there is a mixture of connection and intrusion (verbally and physically containing an overly intimate energy). There was no getting lost in this nor did I reciprocate the energy in any way directly. I spoke up at one point saying that the intensity of the energy was too intense and to give me more space. However there was a general sexualized energy made as jokes toward the group and to me directly and in the moment I mainly contained it and basically accommodated it. Only after I left did I feel how I truly felt from the encounters... Everything thawed out and rushed up to the surface. I was able to confront it then with those involved and have processed a ton this past week related to my own over accommodation due to fear of loss of connection to something in the external world. I have also found difficulty in grounding fully and realized I have been carrying a deep sense that Gaia rejects me and doesn't want me to be here... That is beginning to unravel as I realize that I am the one rejecting the connection, not fully landing here and not wanting to be here. For as long as I can remember, being alive carried a sick, unfulfilling, disconnected feeling from which I would like to escape. And here is the crux of it... I can't escape and if I continue to not fully land then I am disconnected from myself and unable to make clear boundaries and unable to be in it and not of it. So I am working with embracing being here.

Since I wrote this earlier today ... With the synchronistic loss of connection... I went rollerblading, hit a small rock and went flying in the air and landed really hard on my butt.... Searing pain went up my entire spine to my head.... There were many offers of support but I didn't accept any of them as I didn't feel like I needed any help... I felt confused why I am experiencing being slammed on the ground from the tiniest of obstacles. I got in the car and the song "lean on me" was playing on a channel called "the dove" with "rock" for type of music. Still not clear about this but feels about connecting to the support that is there for me. I'd like to "get this one" as its getting more painful here... Though I am much more attentive and present in the body now that it's hurting.

Whoa I have felt seriously challenged this week to rise to the occasion and speak for myself... To make a clear boundary and to confront a very difficult situation.... I had amazing support to do so and feel very empowered in coming through it yet still some uneasiness around how it is received. The overriding feeling though is one of empowerment. Just so grateful for the integrity and clarity of the Openhand energy and the way Openhand the organization and people carry themselves... Never quite realized just how special that is until now.... A million thanks for all you are!!!

Hey Open - thanks for the feedback.... Always so valuable to see aspects of a bigger picture reflected in the personal. Things feel lighter today... But I did notice that things peaked around a sense of being contained and pressurized ... Through some feeling in and allowing the fear, anger, and frustration to surface, how I am being is coming through differently .... It feels like there is much more to go, but for now there is a greater sense of freedom flowing.

Much love,
Jen

I'm feeling for you Jen - a challenging time, yes.

On a recent facilitator gathering in Glastonbury, we could feel the field shifting strongly. It's as though the very bedrock is becoming pliable. Maybe you're feeling this in relation to your personal circumstances.

Sending love

Open *give_rose*

Feeling incredibly vulnerable of late and super sensitive - not able to handle much in the way of confrontational direct energy. I am finding it very difficult to relate to people - and I find myself isolating and cocooning a bit. Relational patterns are arising in greater frequency, highlighting areas where I get stuck. Much of what is arising seems to be around people suggesting what I should do, giving me advice or my perception of the other having an agenda or seeking to prove something to me. I see I do this as well especially with my children and I recognize that much of what I am drawing is coming from the energy of looking for/needing answers from outside, lacking trust in the Divine. These situations that are triggering me feel energetically very spiky and intrusive and set off massive fight or flight inside to the point I can't breath or think clearly and I feel like I am pulled into a spinning vortex of intense sensation- It seems the only way through this is to obviously work on what is drawing the circumstances in the first place and to stay with and contain the sensations in the moment even if that means there is just total apparent social awkwardness. When I meditate on this I feel an intense but silent warrior energy inside of me... It's a very tangible energy and feels like one way of being in respond to the energy I speak of.

Dear Cathy and Fiona,

Feeling the threads of connection with you both is so incredibly heartwarming. There is so much that we all share isn't there? Vulnerability yes it's probably my self perceived great "weakness" that when embraced is great strength... in person it's not easy for me and I am sure many others as well... Hey but I know what I am working with and there are infinite opportunities to work with it =)

Just a little story to share... Months ago I picked up these patio pavers that I found on the side of the road. They stayed in my car for a while, then made it to the garage and there they have sat untouched for months. Suddenly today I felt the urge to paint and the pavers popped up as a medium. So I sit here now just painting two pavers ...HOME and FLY. Literally engaging with this heavy concrete and letting them transform into beautiful stepping stones in the garden... This is the potential of being with the heaviness... The beauty that unfolds through it.

Big love to you all,
Jen

Hi Jen,

Again you express so beautifully and vulnerably, it is now me that has the blurry screen through wet eyes.

I just wanted to say thank you, yet again what you share is a strong mirror and touches me deeply. I am with you.

With much love and gratitude,

Fiona

Jen! SiStar!

I applaud your courage for expressing and speaking out when it feels safer to retreat, hide, and disappear. I know that feeling well. It's not easy when one feels so vulnerable. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced similar feelings and how many times in my life that I did disappear and fade away, feeling like I was bound with my mouth taped shut. I still don't find it easy to stand, express, be out there and visible. It's a constant process of emerging from the shadows into the light. I've learned so much from all your sharings and beautiful vulnerability. Thank you.

Keep shining,

Much Love,

Cathy

Dear Trinity... yes... stay open. So much is arising just from not desensitizing in one form or another. Feeling and working with every single tightness that arises. Thank you <3 Jen

Thank you Dear Jane... There are so many tears the screen is blurry .... It feels like a voice from a distant place reached out through space and time to both feel more of the ache and to just add a little sparkle to my heart and I thank you... With love, Jen