Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).


Yes I absolutely agree with what you say Trinity. Being strong can be so many things; not saying what you mean, making allowances, not showing your emotions, pleasing people, not making waves, walking on eggshells, putting up with stuff. And it's all around us, at work, at home, with partners, with children, on the bus, in the supermarket. But why do we do this? Sometimes I think we need to, with our children for example, but for the rest of the time it feels like we need to keep our masks strong and keep plastering over those cracks. Is that being true to who we are are? Is it reinforcing a false identity that we have created for ourselves?
Once we can allow our own truth to be shown, let our barricades fall, then there is nothing to keep up, nothing to maintain, we know our truth, there is nothing there, nothing yet everything.

Some of what we are keeping in can be negative stuff, but I think its also worth considering and practicing being true to our positive thoughts. Like how often do you see someone do something nice or someone who looks beautiful? And we keep it in, all to ourselves. Can you imagine if we voiced our positive vibes, how much sunshine that would bring to people!

It really could make all the difference :-)


In reply to by jolucy

Hi Jo and thank you for sharing your contemplation! =) How true it is that acting strong is purely that - an act, a protection, a need of some sort. Somewhere in there we know our true strength and all that acting is an attempt to connect to what is authentic and naturally arising when we stop trying to be something. I love your sunnyness.

With love,

Hi Jen,

I hear you loud and clear in your post on ‘finding balance’! As I read your post that resonated a lot, I felt inclined to respond, but didn’t immediately have the opportunity to do so. It was interesting to then observe myself in familiar patterns of procrastination in responding to your message. By the time I read your message there had been other messages on the forum that I resonated with and meanwhile there were new messages that I felt to respond to. Also in the meantime other people responded to your message, so I felt I somehow had to take their responses into account in mine too. So rather than just responding to your message, there is something in me that feels like it needs to respond to all at once and then when more things start piling up, the more daunting the thought of responding becomes. There seems to be some kind of internal ‘all or nothing’ programming, which so often drives me into procrastination, because if the ‘all’ seems to much to do at once, I get stuck in the ‘nothing’. I guess it actually relates to the ‘finding balance’ theme of your post and the following you wrote:
it feels like if I am not right on top of everything, super focused and hyper vigilant then I get underneath the world and it just swamps me, beats me down.
So here I am, only responding to your message and leaving my responses to any others aside.Let's see how that feels inside.....

Yes, I recognise the feeling of having to be super strong all the time and the feelings of heaviness, meaninglessness, confusion, not wanting to be here, not wanting to deal with boundary issues. And shoulders have always been a weak spot in my body, particularly the right one. Like you, I feel that there is a lot underneath the surface there, which I have only just scratched. Lately I have been trying to be more aware of the position of my shoulders as I have a tendency to hunch them and I have noticed that I when consciously push them backwards when I notice that I am hunching, it often feels like tension is starting to be unwound (which for me often comes with an urge to yawn). Yet at the same time the unwinding can sometimes feel a little too much and become uncomfortable, which is when my shoulders tend to want to hunch back to where they came from.

Funny that you concluded your post with ‘feels like a lot of water behind that dam’ around the same time that the Oroville Dam in California had a bit too much water behind it too ☺.

Thanks for sharing your flow of things with us!

Much love!


Hi Marije!

Thank you for sharing how you relate to what I am experiencing. Funny things is over the last few days the energy has totally changed! I feel beautiful waves of energy swelling up from the root (which i usually don't feel so much) and just a warm expansive sense of ahhhhhhhh... I feel in the body and yet totally fluid. This is even more so today... I notice some things like my typical support system here is gone and I have to say I love being, living in the experience of my capability and connection to support beyond the one I have perceived I need in life. Today I spent time with the trees, the ground, the water... Laying down on a sandy beach and feeling absolutely complete... Just luxuriating in the sense of the sounds, the sensations, moving slowly and feeling the deliciousness of the experience of it all. Maybe it's spring beginning to land here ... The warmth the birds but something feels very different energetically. I laughed when I saw that post about the dam as well Marije! Thank you for highlighting that for me!

I can relate to the "all or nothing" at times feeling something similar... For me it was something about obligation or getting it right - overdoing at times so that nothing got missed... Sometimes overextending to avoid the perception of leaving something or someone out.... I wonder how it felt for you to reply to the piece you felt to and not need to "do it all".

The shoulders are an interesting exploration for me... I have been playing with what it feels like when I allow the feeling of my shoulders rising and rolling in... What does that highlight for me? How do I feel about myself? About the moment? Then noticing how I feel and what arises when I bring them back down ... Something in me is getting activated and when I be with what is arising as my body wants to move I can touch that energy... Still working with it! It makes a lot of sense what you said about what comes up for you when you reverse that movement... The discomfort you feel in the unwinding...I imagine the movement toward contraction in the body is mirroring a need to contract around a particular feeling/ experience... Great that you can give yourself permission to back off when you need to!

Great to connect with you Marije!

With love,

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your response. You asked ‘I wonder how it felt for you to reply to the piece you felt to and not need to "do it all’. As I read your question, the word that immediately came to mind is ‘unfulfilled’. And there is something about wasting my energy, like if I can’t do it all then any effort on it is just a waste of energy (easy to see where procrastination comes from). Interesting, I can feel there is more to be explored here, particularly around the feeling of unfulfillment.



Hi Marije!

Thank you for sharing as it is all a great reflection for me as well. Something to mention and if it doesn't resonate with you, then just let it ride on by =). The words "waste of energy" spiked for me in your sharing in relation to a sense of unfulfillment. So perhaps something to explore where there is a waste of energy... Where your energy is going and how that feels in relation to fulfillment. Those words spoke to me personally as well so thank you!! Xo Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the reflection back! There is definitely a resonance with where my energy is going in relation to fulfilment, although right now I can’t see yet exactly how. Something to do with investing my energy into things that don’t actually bring me fulfilment ….



Ahh yes I can relate to that... I am presentlly working with how much energy I spend managing people and how they are being but not being as attentive to how I am being. I sense a deeper commitment to "how do I truly feel to express" all the time is invited of me. What really makes my soul sing in this moment? When I align with that I find fulfillment is there as well. Love to you, Jen

Hey Marije! I just felt something when I re-read your post and wondered if there is ever the feeling of being a "waste of energy"? Maybe just something that relates to my own process but felt to share it with you. I am sure you will find the threads inside that speak to you. Much love on your journey, Jen

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the further sharings! I am not sure I immediately resonate with ‘being a waste of energy’, however as I was reading your posts somehow the word ‘obligation’ came to mind in relation to our exchange here. And then as I reread one of your earlier posts and I realized you already alluded to that as well:
I can relate to the "all or nothing" at times feeling something similar... For me it was something about obligation or getting it right - overdoing at times so that nothing got missed

A lot of my ‘doing’ is related to a sense of obligation and I am not yet sure where the root of that comes from. It is like there is this pressure to fulfill my obligations and if I don’t it makes me feel unfulfilled. When I think about it sometimes my life just feels like one big obligation. For example, even here on the forum when people have responded to something I wrote, I feel this sense of obligation to reply to all of them, to say thank you, etc. and it makes me feel uncomfortable if I don’t. And this sense of obligation gets priority over how my soul feels to express, so only once I have fulfilled ‘my obligations’ (not often), is there really room for my soul’s expression.

So fascinating how the exchanges here can lead to constant new insights!

With love,


Hey Marije,

The way you are exploring and diving into what is arising for you, will surely unveil more and more of the beauty of you! Yes, I too find that sharing on the forums greatly facilitates self-realization!

Lots of love,

So I am having a powerful exploration with expression when it comes to the intellect. Some earlier child hood memories are arising around not wanting people to see me as fact pretending to not know anything. In grade school there was a point where I stopped contributing what I really thought and started to raise me hand and say things purposefully wrong or silly just to get a laugh... a way to control the sense of embarrassment I felt when I answered honestly but got laughed at...this way I could laugh along and not feel vulnerable about sharing the truth of how I saw things. That set up a long standing identity of not being very aware - that felt safe but false.

So immediatly following an exploration this week around what happens when an environment or person is stimulating an invitation to an intellectual sharing, I have gotten some great opportunities to see what is happening inside. What I have noticed is that I am very comfortable speaking from the place of emotion and feeling but as soon as my solar plexus is engaged, I feel very naked - exposed and then a feeling of caving in and as I am speaking I am watching myself speak and separating from the feeling in the solar plexus, separating from the words in a way that creates this vast space between me and the expression coming through.

So, as this is arising over the last few days, I noticed something else can happen here...there is a great SUPPORT in the solar plexus when I embrace that vulnerable feeling and don't separate from the expression by watching from a distance - but instead stay right with the flow of words as it is arising now. I have been noticing the immediate urge to jump out of focus when asked to share something of a non-emotional nature and tuning into the solar plexus I find a strength there that helps facilitate a clear, focused expression.

I will be working with this one - staying connected to physical, emotion, intellect. In a meditation the other night, it felt like I could sense three distinct vibes as I breathed through each layer.

All for now - feels good to share - helps me integrate.
with love all!

Having an interesting experience today getting more familiar with distraction. With a child home today, I set to study some material I am working on. It took a while just to get to the point where I was actually sittting down with it and ready to focus...i was allowing lots of random things to scatter my attention. As I began to focus, I found it near impossible...a man is here painting my kitchen and playing Jamaican music, my son is calling from his bedroom for something to eat, the dog won't stop barking because the man keeps coming in and out of the door. Frustration starts building and I find myself wanting to either stop studying or go outside where there is less noise. Neither of those feel right so I just stop, close my eyes and pay attention to what is going on inside. I see these distractions are a reflection of where I am letting my attention go inside...allowing all the little mice in my mind to pull me away from focusing my energy. As I sat with this and watched the impulses and urges arising inside - noticing how I have not been discerning about where my energy is going, becuase I have not been fully present with what is driving the mind...just literally moments into sitting with all of this, the external noises totally stopped...the man must have left for lunch, but the music was off, the dog was quiet, my son was off in his own space.

There is an element of procrastination when it comes to applying myself...there is a scattering happening in the mind that sends me off in mindless activities and then I just feel an intense pressure of time...guilt, ineffectiveness.

I am on this now...focus feels key.

I can totally empathise with what you're experiencing Jen. For some time, it's been important for me to tune into the guidance coming from higher realm (9th/10th/11th dimensions) as a way of life. Which is not at all easy in this very distracting 3D realm. I've learned to apply a shifting boundary, which increases and reduces attention in the 3D - it's like a dynamic filter and happens naturally.

As I experienced this developing, it did seem to contradict with being fully compassionately open to people in day-to-day life, in a 3D way. But then I realised it serves neither them nor me simply to be tuned into their programs. It actually serves very little but to enhance them!

After which, I became increasingly comfortable with the filter, which comes and goes, strengthens and wanes dependent on the situation and environment.

Maybe my reflection might help a degree.

Open :-)

Thank you Open for the reflection. Yes, I am working with finding a rightness in how I engage especially in immediate family dynamics. There is a gnawing responsibility I am carrying for my children's paths which is rooted in a lack of trust - it causes me to be overly engaged and controlling. So, I am watching myself in the dynamics and working to find a rightness in when to engage and when to hold the space and how intimately I do that. Lots of stuff comes up around that that I am working with. Thank you for the feedback - it's very helpful. <3 Jen

Hi guys! Sharing some things to bring some focus internally. I feel like I am circling and unable to find traction. There are powerful flows of energy through the body but a mantle of heaviness through my arms. I feel so much joy and lightness, connectedness, fluidity and at the same time feel frustration...all these ideas come - more a sense of productivity as an energy - it excites me and yet it feels like running on ice because nothing goes anywhere - it just stays inside me. So today I was driving and being with these feelings and saw the words "something missing" and asked yeah, what is that? and saw a big trailor truck with the words Horseless Carriage and felt yes, I feel behind the flow, I feel the horsepower is lacking and just then a car rear ends me while I am sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right...I had started to go but had to quickly stop as someone unexpectedly u-turned at the interesection and would have collided with me had I gone. The man got out of his car proclaiming oh yeah there's no damage to your vehicle. I insisted that I take a pciture of his insurance card all the same as there may be damage underneath the surface. Initially what I felt was a push forward - but also recognizing that it is some stuff underneath that is causing me to hesitate...perhaps the potential for collision with others...

ahhh - it just struck me that the man was reflecting the aspect of me saying "no I am totally good" and keeping up the strong exterior, while underneath there is more happening. I sense the programming and inner criticism of being lazy and slow and unproductive and the part of me that is pushing me forward - "you are FINE, get out there and make something, be something!" Intellectually I realize that is not aligned creation, but it's incredible seeing this pushy, inner perfectionist and how it feels to this softer side - what it does - how it distorts expression.

As I reflect... There are things that cause the aligned focus and forward motion to become stalled but there are also places that I am being pushed from within... Pressured to be or do something specific. So as the energy arises I tend to just start flinging the energy around... Into this and that ... Becomes a need to express the active energy inside and then a judgement of how I am wasting it. The experience seems to be inviting me to feel the energy and not act until something is clearly invited.

This has been a wild day...tonight I was sitting outside of starbucks sipping on some kava I brought with me and a man walks up from the parking lot.. we share a casual hello and then he decides to sit with me...just says "you look sparkly, I think I'll sit here " I forgot my daughter had put blue sparkles in the center of my forehead today. I am use to people approaching me and telling me stuff about themselves so I wasn't overly alarmed, though looking back it is weird that I didn't just say no - I want to sit here alone. I notice I was just watching it and waiting to see what is going on here, why this is happening - receptive to what it was showing me. At this point I notice he has a medical bracelet on and a tribal bracelet with a thunderbird on it...he also appears to be wearing medical pants. His conversation shifts into a more agitated place and my solar plexus starts to alert me that he is unstable. Then he starts to tell me he needs a ride somewhere and how his brother had him baker acted. He starts to play with a hairtie that was on his wrist and strangely I start to feel like he wants to put it on my throat. At that point I am putting stuff away and going inside to move away from him.

It all happened really fast, and though I moved once my solar plexus was informing me, I must have missed an earlier landing of what was going on there...clearly I noticed the medical bracelet and his affect was a bit off...but because I was waiting for a clear signal from the body I feel like I stayed too long. OMG I just realized something! Early in the conversation, he was saying he needed to get to this phone company and my attention was drawn to a yellow sign just behind his head that said Sprint! I totally missed it because I was waiting for a signal elsewhere in the body.

Wow - that's a phenomenal experience Jen - huge - well done for picking up the signs, even if you missed an earlier few.

It's so easy to make judgments about people - but we forget: it's also possible to make 'positive' judgments too!

Clearly you're doing great!

Open *OK*

This past week I attended some breathwork training and lots came up.

We were asked to facilitate a partner with everyone else watching. Just the idea started to create a sense of panic, of being trapped, being observed and picked at... Part of me was working to stay centered and but the other part that was scared to death found its way through and there was the feeling of being experimented on, of being a subject- poked and prodded at and unable to leave - a strong feeling of not being in the right place, I don't belong here. Then came the feeling of ideas being placed in my head, programming, brainwashing and needing to protect myself from that. I wanted to cut my head off... And felt the facility to function in relation to others shutting down. There was and still is so much pain in my head. Two points at the base of my skull that surround my skull and cover my forehead and tighten through the jaw. Enormous pressure behind my eyes and nauseous. My body shook for quite some time as I felt through the experience - full body especially through the legs and shoulders.

From what I experienced I see the fear around mental manipulation and the resultant shut down that happens when I feel people are trying to push information into me. I see the intervention in all of this experience and clearly there is an implant felt in the points in my head and jaw...

The hook is the feeling I get when engaging with others and feeling they are trying to manipulate me or feed me their ideas or allowing others' ways of being to supplant my own. I get tight and energetically defensive or drop connection to mind, into feeling in body and just hear without focus or absorption. I also notice I get sucked into the self doubt that arises and squeezes the solar plexus. I find it hard to come through that place. I imagine there is an invitation to open to the experience more without shutting down around self doubt...relax into it and keep mental facilities and discernment on board... Remembering I can hear and receive without it getting in and rewiring me and that staying present through it all is the key.

I had a dream last night about finding a room where anything I have ever thought, felt, experienced could be accessed and seen by others watching.

Today on the flight back home I felt drawn to watch a tv series called The Path... It ended up being about a spiritual cult... There was a lot of truth in what they were based on but clearly manipulation and programming happening.

Lots to digest here ... Thanks for the space to share.

With love,

Hi all! Some things coming together... It's clear that there is a pattern of protecting myself by not showing anyone how I feel... It's allowed me to feel in control and "strong"... Feeling the effects of challenging that way of being... Allowing things in, feeling how I truly feel is one thing, but allowing that when relating to others is where I am challenged. I feel a sense of loss of perceived power as I soften the fortress around me and allow a sense of support to be there....allowing a letting down of the need to contain it all, relaxing around the need to be with it all on my own. Feelings of weakness and loss of power are strong as I perceive (perhaps misperceive) that others feel powerful the more I show my feelings and that I am then perceived as weak... This must all be happening inside me ...and there is a hypervigilance around what feels to be others perceptions, how I am seen. I also feel confusion around finding it all within myself and where that becomes isolation and shutting out the shared experience. Where is the rightness in that?

On a side note I shared the most incredible experience today maneuvering through incredible mountain bike trails... I loved the challenge and the level of focus and engagement that is required .... I felt so alive... Focused here and now, how to move, how to be in this precise moment, how to navigate the obstacles by staying focused but not zooming into the obstacles... Keeping the sense of focus here but also just in front of me on the path through.

Would love some input on the dynamic of needing nothing outside of me and yet being open to the shared experience.

With love,

Thank you Trinity! I feel a natural flow of being inward and allowing that to also flow outward.... I can get tight about flowing outward. When I do, I often find joy in relating and then of course I also find vulnerability and the feelings of weakness that I mentioned above. Yes, as you said Triniy... "soften myself around 'everything being within" and I realize it's being who I am in the full human experience and feeling through all the vulnerable messiness of relating. Otherwise It seems I am denying the path of the Soul....I am feeling a pull to relate more fully in the body and to meet and allow whatever arises without fighting it.

Something arising to add here... It's that piece about the weakness ... How much resistance there is to feeling it and how identified I become with it.... Once it arises, it seems as though everything around me is also buying into the weakness I am feeling... That the mirror is showing me how powerless I am... Becomes excruciating. Always another chance to work with that and especially the identification that happens.

Thank you for the feedback <3

with love, Jen

Since the retreat last week I have felt unsettled - so many fragments it's been hard to express clearly. Everything seems to come through one fragment or another. What I am recognizing through the experiences is that the child in me seeks validation, love, approval, safety and security from others - there has been a seraching and finding of the places I can stop taking care of all my needs on my own and hand over the burden to another. I have felt this hole in the foundation that in this life was amplified by my father leaving at the age of 3 and never being a reliable or effective caregiver. It's made it very challenging for me to let go of the safety I assembled as an adult - having found and projected out a sense of home onto another, I feel like an ill equipped, unready child being asked to go get in the world. In truth I know I am completely equipped with plenty of internal resources and have over and over found the sense of capability and joy in stepping out from behind the others in my life, but this energy of being small and unable to go it alone is strong and causes me to hold onto the threads that remain.

Then there is another Open writes about in 5 Gateways, the teenager protects the child. What I have noticed is that everytime the vulnerability of the child is threatened...everytime there is the feeling of being left out, of not fitting it, of not being wanted, there is a wall of untouchability that arises, proclaiming "I am fine, noone bothers me, noone touches me, I don't need anyone or anything" - isolation, false strength and truly untouched by love as well as the pain.

I am also seeing the spiritual identity that supports the idea of "needing noone or nothing".

The questions that come up are - Where is the place for physical human connection on a physical and emotional level? I feel blocked from this and inside it returns to feeling the love within me - yet I feel a barrier between me and the world as I perceive it.. which must be a reflection of the barrier to love within myself - to love myself through the arising need to attach to others validation, safety, security, love, to love myself through the harsh inner judgements of the teenager that would have be untouched by all feeling.

When we were in meditation at the retreat and I spoke of being untouchable and separated from the world an image of a woman appeared in my third eye...she was cloaked in light around her head, shoulders, chest and back and at first her face was dark with no features and then it turned to a face of pure serenity eyes and lips closed with face lifted toward the light, smiling. She appeared like a nun..I got the sense this was either some past life influence or pointing to how I am relating now...with connection spiritually but cut off when it comes to relating in the world.

Deep breath...lots of stuff...finding the strength right now to just commit to the practices that deepen connection inside and let go of the things that numb and isolate me.

Lots of love,

Going deeper with all of this...the tears are pouring out as I feel there is only me, the deep sense of isolation and utter aloneness. It feels so overwhelming to hold this all together within myself...who can give me a hug or really hold this pain...there is no-one - just me to hold it for myself. Why am I experiencing life this way? I feel torn between fully living and getting out of here.

I don't know how to be...there is a struglle withing between total vulnerability and total protection...and in the midst of that there is the warmth of the ocean surrounding me, where I feel safe and held, buoyant and warm. From that place, beingness can arise but it flows into these fixed structures of all protection or all much judgement on both sides of this coin I flip between ...judging myself for being closed off and cold and then judging myself for being needy and weak in my vulnerability. There are truths and distortions in both and in the confusion, I settle back to the ocean and pull out of relating or numb myself in other ways.

I don't know how to breakthrough this cycle...I feel so identified with it right now. Will keep being with it but if anyone has a helpful reflection I am open.

Thank you. Love, Jen

I wrote this and felt to share. I feel you, I'm brought back in time to the intimate yet separate moments we shared just a few mornings ago, to be independent within our own energies yet aware of the dance naturally arising as our souls unleashed through these physical bodies. Here's a few words that flowed through me....Loved unloved loved unloved loved unloved conditions like shackles bind my heart. Like a Yoyo. Spoken words lash tear leave wounds. What is inside of it all within this moment
I search for the light within the experience yet the tangible concepts warp and morph through my outstretched hand.
Intoxicatingly blinding the truth with emotions tangled from the infertile ground with the innate sense to live thrive within the barren conditions. Strength without vulnerability yet vulnerable to the inertia of strength. Words like daggers pierce the delicate shell of love. Desolate left behind I ROAR silence no more. Misconstrued misinterpreted missed... it all just misses as the defined physical target takes the hits. If only the soul could be seen. If only people looked with their hearts maybe it wouldn't be so easy to miss fire miss words miss construe miss miss miss... it all just misses as it's stuck within the time warp of physicality

Love to you

Thank you Dear Erica - what you share is so beautiful.

"Loved unloved loved unloved loved unloved conditions like shackles bind my heart. Like a Yoyo. Spoken words lash tear leave wounds. What is inside of it all within this moment"

These words especially spoke into the arising feelings. It's amazing as I feel lightness coming through as I have worked through a lot of density today all around a sense of being unsupported...there is a broader perspective at this moment - and have sat with these pieces, little chards of brokenness that seem to become a house of glass at times.

Thank you for feeling with me and reminding me of our beautiful infusion dance =)

With love Jen

I am experiencing some deeply challenging feelings and thought I would share here and call in some reflections. Lately the way I experience the world is causing eruptions of anger and outrage, shaking inside, and strong waves of energy coming up from the core- the pain of witnessing our children and our planet be consumed by what feels like a machine that wants to devour  and simultaneously feeling alone in the concern. When I express to others, I feel their repulsion to the intensity of my feelings - I feel that I am too much. There is resistance to the intensity of outrage or the yearning to create something new.  The vision of other possibilities is reflected back to me as an impossible utopia or wishful thinking.  In reaction to the world's state, I go into struggle and out fear of unwanted outcomes, I try to control things, try to prevent. I am scared to allow their (children) full exploration as the odds seem stacked against them. I feel resistance to everything they want to consume and feel angry that we are here..that this is the place that I am to be in this role of mother. I really struggle with this - I don't want to be a mother in this world - and feel as though I was plopped in the wrong place.  It feels like a constant uphill battle and the way I am being in this moment is not helping at all. I know this. I know I am being the control that I am trying to protect them from. I know that I am making them and myself into a victim of life and negating their own soul sovereignty and ablity to get lost and found in the dynamic. At times I give up as it feels the only other option...I know there is another way and that I can accept and trust in their journey while not being complacent either.  They may get lost and never found and I may not be able to do anything about it. Discernment is very tricky in this place...between boundaries and control. They are at an age where they insist on their experience of the world and all of their peers and social contacts are reflecting back to them the normalcy of violence (video gaming) and consumption of junk on every level. The anger i feel is "Why is this ok??!" How do we feel it's ok to post billboards that say "you can have top shelf breasts" or make cartooning killing games. How is it that the intervention can influence people to go along with this and allow our children to grow and develop in a place like this? At the core of it I am feeling powerless and inadequate to meet this parenting journey. I feel as though I am not meant to be here - I don't have the skills to navigate it. I suppose that's exactly why I am here lol - to release myself from the overidentification and find the skills to navigate. This is sort of a rant, and has loads of distortion, but it helps to express it and hear/feel myself. ok, open to and welcoming any of your experiences and how you navigate as well as any reflections on where I am getting stuck. Much love to you all listening <3 Jen

Dear Jen,

Thanks for sharing this! Although I am not a mother myself, I can in so many ways relate to what you wrote here....! Somehow a synchronicity that appeared for me this weekend springs to mind, a big poster of Stephen King’s latest book ‘the Outsider’ at the train station, which somehow really hit home for me.


I can absolutely relate to the anger and rage about what is happening in the world and about being here (lately I have been having a lot of feelings of not wanting to be here, feeling lonely and out of place). And at the same time feeling like an outsider with the vision of what a different world might be possible that others don't seem/want to see other than as an impossible utopia. 



In reply to by Marye

Hey Marije - Yeah it doesn't feel like it's about being a mom specifically - its just the thing that is touching all these feelings. The Outsider is an interesting reflection as it's a feeling that's been with me since childhood. There is something about being in battle that really hits home too...that it is like me against the world. Sounds like a victim or martyr energy in that. So where is the effective way of being in this?  

I see the gifts of this anger - it's not something I have touched often and seems to fuel the passion and will to meet the challenges, but also fuels control. 

The feeling of inadequacy and powerlessness gets overwhelming - I notice my initial pattern is to give up or go into idealized wishful thinking(why can't it be like this or that?). Perhaps also I am pointing my finger at the world and getting lost in projections rather than looking at myself and finding the surrender and the will to meet the moment. 

I imagine we all experience the sadness or anger at the injustice and manipulation in the feels natural to experience that and challenging to find acceptance in it without giving up. But, we are here for a much as I would like to think this was a big mistake LOL!! Essential also to connect to the true seat of our power. Will that becomes control and force is exhausting, acceptance can become complacency....interesting to find alignment in all this. 

Thanks so much Marije <3 Jen

Hi Jen, I can relate to what you're saying in the sense that I also feel i'm plopped into the wrong kind of world sometimes. I struggle to make ends meet as an artist and live like a total recluse and feel anger at the state the world's in right now. What's the point....where are we heading for....and how many years until we can't live here anymore? I think you summarised it already that the answer seems to lie in the non-identification with this drama. I'm very close to lose my home and all my stuff and wonder what my role could than possibly be within this society. But all the fear this generates also at the same time expands my's a beautiful paradox. And I know at some moment it will all click into place. I sense that in your case you're actually asking yourself the question (at some level) who you really are without your role as a mother and maybe your role in general in your family. By having these challenges and these emotions rising to the surface, it seems you're nudged to feel beyond them so to eventually release the identification with the different roles you're playing. (And then you can truly let your kids have the experience they wanted to have at a soul level.) In my case it seems to be heading that way so I can let go of the 'guy who is against the system' and feels he's out of place. You might have not needed this answer because you probably already knew all this but hey, I have to express myself every now and then to clarify my own situation. Smliing I hope for the both of us and everybody reading this one day we will feel that we're at the right place at the right time.  

with love, Eelke/Apollonius.


In reply to by Apollonius

Hey Appolonius! So great to read your reply! It causes me to reflect on how much of my attention gets sucked into the physical/emotional/mental when i am tripping out in my fears and attachments...the sense of interconnectedness, the magic, the beauty, the light seems to be absent.  I am wondering at how much this resistance to the state of the world only serves to feed the energy that I am resisting and cut myself off from the wider view. It feels natural to feel that frustration and anger with the state of things but it's interesting for me to notice that I am ineffectively fighting against it. 

As far as identification with the role of mother - thank you so much for your heartfelt reflections. I feel the question for me is "How can I be me while in the role of mother? How can I love and care for them without getting identified as "protector" or needing to shape particular outcomes?"  Perhaps it is the sense that "I am their mother" that causes me to have such personal investment in the outcome. Yes, I agree, that all that's arising and the deep sense that I have no control is helping to release me from this.

I love what you say about how all of the fear generated by the circumstances is also expanding consciousness...yes I can relate to that! Contemplating what that might be like to lose your home and all your belongings and how the question of what your role in society might be. What a crucible I imagine that is...and yes I can see how it touches the attachment points and is helping you release identification with "the guy who feels he's out of place"...when you have no physical place, perhaps your true place is revealed. 

You said "I hope for the both of us and everybody reading this one day we will feel that we're at the right place at the right time." That is so very beautiful!  To feel that it is right, to feel that whatever the challenges, whatever the world looks like - we are in the right place at the right time - how can that not be true...yes to feel that and truly stop fighting against ourselves - I celebrate that possibility within each of us!!!!

Much love and thanks for sharing your experiences with heart and openness,



wow - these are powerful sharings everyone, Jen, Apollonius, Marye Praying Emoji

A few things jump right out for me. First the challenge of parenting...

I try to control things, try to prevent. I am scared to allow their (children) full exploration as the odds seem stacked against them.

Been there with you Jen, got plenty of tea shirts! For me, in looking back, I see that two things were meant to work hand in hand: allow them the exploration, yes, but boundaries are essential too - I can see that things would have gone 'off the edge' had I not. Then to ask oneself "why I manifested this?" "Why I drew it to me?" And it's in the seeming impossibility of the paradox - to be able to sit in that, and just go deeper. But how does such self-realisation help the situation? I can only say that from experience it does. It's like you hold the crucible of inquiry, which they can feel at a soul level. They will feel your allowance, yet they'll somehow pick up the boundary - to some degree. Crucially, it invites you to be and express yourself on all levels, at the deepest levels. Heart

Apollonius, this leapt off the screen...

I'm very close to lose my home and all my stuff and wonder what my role could than possibly be within this society. But all the fear this generates also at the same time expands my's a beautiful paradox. 

I'm right there with you. I've been there a thousand times! And in many ways I still am. And yes, the paradox expands incredibly, and always a solution reveals itself out of the expansion. We just have to keep letting go, and the flow of consciousness will do the rest. If we take that step which is being called, the universe comes to meet us. But it takes phenomenal trust - the kind that causes you to fly!

Another one on the conspicuous consumption within society - it's reached pandemic proportions! One of my favourite past times has been sitting in a coffee/tea shop just watching everything move around me. I'll often sit aghast, watching shoppers with their bags and 'clobber', heads stuck in 'smart' phones, carrying on today just like it was yesterday. And there's been anger and frustration, yes - it didn't have to go the way it's going! There was a possibility of being completely divinely connected in the higher dimensions, AND living at one with the earth in the 3D. Nevertheless, we've turned that corner of no return for the 3D biosphere now - I'm clear in my heart and mind about that. So for me, I've totally accepted that. We're moving toward a new paradigm, through an event line which, to me, feels completely irreversible. But I also find solace in the knowing that a wonderful 3D reality will recreate, on other planets, and possibly here too, in the distant future, when the cleansing realignment has happened.

Let's stay with the shift guys - we're all in exactly the right circumstances to succeed as souls from what is set to take place. It's tough at times, yes, but these are the times we're built for. I call it "Blade Running"!

My heart goes out to all you Blade Runners

Open Thumbs Up SignHeartPraying Emoji


Hi all,

I think its the synchronistic that  I'm reading this novel called "Aadujeevitham" . Its a true story of  a man who had to endure slavery in a desert tending goats and finds his way back home after many years of intense suffering. I found it very inspiring and emotive. Thought i would share it here. Take a look if guys feel like. Im also feeling very low ,so I'm a bit short on words. Love to you all…


In reply to by Vimal V

Hello Vimal,

Wow - thanks so much for sharing this! The word/concept of slavery/captivity have been coming up lately. I can also relate to what is described in the amazon summary you shared as "Memories of the lush, verdant landscape of his village and of his loving family haunt". This is also part of what I am experience...a mourning or sense of loss for another way of living, being, experiencing. Thanks Vimal - its a touching reflection. <3 Jen

I am very stirred up and touched by your sharings Jen and synchronistically, by Marije's beautiful confessions on 'irreversible loss' which are so related and complementing to yours, the way I see it. To my mind, the deeper feeling talked about is grief, which arises not only in the form of tears, sadness and despair but also in the form of anger, outrage and hurt. So, Im here to have a virtual cup of herbal tea with both of you and share my own feelings...

.....while as I write this, there are two events manifesting at the same time in my world: a) two wood pigeons cooing and building a nest on the blooming wisteria just a foot down below my window and b) hearing the gunshots of huntsmen killing pheasants and other wildlife about two fields down the countryside road where my house is. Beauty and Pain. Creation and Loss. Kindness and Anger.

Jen your words here are poignant:


The feeling of inadequacy and powerlessness gets overwhelming - I notice my initial pattern is to give up or go into idealized wishful thinking(why can't it be like this or that?). Perhaps also I am pointing my finger at the world and getting lost in projections rather than looking at myself and finding the surrender and the will to meet the moment. 

I imagine we all experience the sadness or anger at the injustice and manipulation in the feels natural to experience that and challenging to find acceptance in it without giving up. But, we are here for a much as I would like to think this was a big mistake LOL!! Essential also to connect to the true seat of our power. Will that becomes control and force is exhausting, acceptance can become complacency....interesting to find alignment in all this. 


And Marije similarly here from your thread:

Although meanwhile the dentist has filled up the open space in the tooth with something artificial, the natural tooth will never heal back to its original state, it is lost forever, which somehow caused feelings of grief....

Pain for the World, as it is also felt with deeper connotations and connections (it always does!) in the encounter with are own bodies, is Normal, Healthy and Natural. It is also widespread even if people are not conscious of it. I would say especially if there is unconsciousness. And I dare say especially if one IS destructive - like the huntsmen. There is felt loss and grief there too but one hides away, rejects, represses, denies, projects, becomes destructive, conforms etc and of course Opposing Consciousness takes hold and other energies.

I DO NOT accept what is going on in the world and never will, but I am called and invited by what is going on to accept how I feel. That's the only thing I 'need to accept', so as to paradoxically befriend the 'darkness'. To recognise that the anger Im feeling or the sadness is Grief's logos and its the Soul's calling to finding a genuine sense of belonging through its full expression in presence. 'My' grief says that I dare to love in face of loosing it all. That I am sensitive to realise the interconnectivity with all life. And I feel fully connected and NOT disconnected from a higher power or whatever the spiritual narrative is. 'My' grief invites me to experience death every day. To be available to this emotion and to share it with a community of other souls, so that it is held as it deserves in its full unequivocal expression. In this way 'my' grief matures, ripes into a way of beingness that is unbreakable and tuned into the Awakened Flow of Rightness. To me, this is 'the true seat of my power'.

Every day I am asking myself, how do I draw on the wisdom, beauty and strengths of other people, animals and Nature, so that in challenging situation/s I trust that waves of courage, intuition and rightness will be supplied by the Universe? The feeling that I am acting on behalf of something bigger than me that does not need to know the outcome (though there is always an outcome) does help me a lot to hold the Trust. And I remind myself that the law of Synergy is powerful, hence the power of living a more aligned life (embodied values, visions, sensibilities) moves through me and is transmitted to everyone around me and beyond.

I love this poem by Rashani Rea, which I read in a book and would like to share:

There is a brokeness

out of which comes the unbroken,

a shatteredness

out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is sorrrow

beyond all grief which leads to joy

and a fragility

out of whose depths emerges


There is a hollow space

too vast for words

through which we pass with each


out of whose darkness

we are sanctified into Being (capital B here is my addition!).

There is a cry deeper than all sound

whose serrated edges cut the heart

as we break open to the place inside

which is unbreakable and whole,

while learning to sing.

Thank you for offering your space to share our feelings and reflections Jen over a cup of tea. Precious!

Wise Love Heart


 Amazing sharing here. After finding the opportunity to write here and actually not deleting it the other day has given me a little bit of strength to try and do it again today. I can relate to just about everything here. 
 Jen you said ( At the core of it I am feeling powerless and inadequate to meet this parenting journey.I feel as though I am not meant to be here - I don't have the skills to navigate it. I suppose that's exactly why I am here lol - to release myself from the overidentification and find the skills to navigate. This is sort of a rant, and has loads of distortion, but it helps to express it and hear/feel myself.) I have not met you but I had the opportunity to read a lot here on the Openhand site, your inputs and inquiries. I thought how can this beautiful soul lose this and it reminded me of the issues that I have with my daughter raising her son. Just the other day she came to me with what was a major problem with her ex about her son. As much as I wanted to tell her what to do "control" I asked her to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and ask yourself what you thought I would say. She came out a few minutes later crying and said (I know what to do now thank you) for me it was a major learning to not control the situation. I realize that what I am getting back from your statement. You are in the right place and at the right time. 

 Marye you said  (lately I have been having a lot of feelings of not wanting to be here, feeling lonely and out of place. And at the same time feeling like an outsider with the vision of what a different world might be possible that others don't seem/want to see other than as an impossible utopia.) I know we can all relate to that one (Outsider) And then you said on your thread (Although meanwhile the dentist has filled up the open space in the tooth with something artificial, the natural tooth will never heal back to its original state, it is lost forever, which somehow caused feelings of grief....) I am not sure if this will help you but to me not all things artificial are bad for all the ingredients within anything artificial come from Mother Earth. I know it's not your natural tooth but just maybe knowing that the ingredients in this, mother Earth provided. And again you are in the right place at the right time. 

 Appolonius you said (I'm very close to lose my home and all my stuff and wonder what my role could than possibly be within this society. But all the fear this generates also at the same time expands my's a beautiful paradox. And I know at some moment it will all click into place.) I am in a similar situation. Very small pension that is paying the interest on the debt that I accumulated over the years. What I am faced with is selling my home and paying off the debt so that I have it all paid off when I leave this body and carry on through the next door. What you're saying here speaks volumes to me, Thank you. And you are in the right place at the right time. 

 Open All I can say to you is Thank You. For being you and creating the space. In my heart and in my soul I feel you are in the right place at the right time in the right dimension. 

 Vimal love your all your sharing here on Openhand. Love right back at you bro. You are in the right place at the right time. 

 Aspasia you said(Beauty and Pain. Creation and Loss. Kindness and Anger.) just lately everything that I come across reflects a different meaning like you have here. So I cannot say one word without using the other. Like wrong and right, I can see the right in the wrong and the wrong in the right. Good and bad I can see the good in the Bad and the bad in the good. And so on. I don't know if this makes any sense this is what came to mind. A short little story about the Huntsman. My brother is an avid Hunter / fisherman who lives on the west coast of Canada. Just the other day he invited me out who was Homestead to go fishing. Explain to him once again. That I was a vegan and didn't eat animals or byproducts of animals (honey once in a while)lol and thanked him for his invitation. The next day he sent me a message about a little fishing trip he went on the day before and said that he had caught a couple of fish and when he caught the fish he thought of me and let them go. I'd like to think that maybe because of who I am and what I believe, has triggered something in him to see the bigger picture. 

 You said(Every day I am asking myself, how do I draw on the wisdom, beauty and strengths of other people, animals and Nature, so that in challenging situation/s I trust that waves of courage, intuition and rightness will be supplied by the Universe?) I see the beauty in what you say, you are such a wise person and are in the right place at the right time. 

To all of you I'm going to proofread this once. So it is what it is. I Thank You all for the space and sharing, knowing that you are all in the right place at the right time. Which helps me realize that I'm in the right place at the right time. 

Much much love 


Hi Jen, I can relate to your challenges as a mother (with two teenagers of my own). All i can say is that it all changed when i allowed the change to happen within me.  Knowing that there is a deeper meaning to it all and a bunch of letting go.  The tension decreases inside and gets reflected outside.  Boundaries - yes but also allowing.  then it feels like surfing!  I know i have to take care of my own stuff first so priorities are clean to me.

Wishing you well on your explorations!

With Love and support


Wow! I am pretty blown away by all of the many unique points of view. Thank you for sharing so honestly. 

Open - thank you for the reflections and sharing your perspective. Every time that I am able to find that sweet spot where I can be accepting of their journey and still hold a sense of the boundary, I observe and experience a relaxation that allows them to self-determine what serves them.  It just keeps going deeper as the stakes seem to get higher as they get older and it's challenging me to keep finding that spot in relation to each dynamic/situation without going into fear/control.  What stood out to me was this " It's like you hold the crucible of inquiry, which they can feel at a soul level."  The feeling in my body of the soul sucking destruction, manipulation and consumption is something I had not realized until recently...I had somewhat normalized in it (out of a sense of powerlessness)...touching this reality and being able to hold both the 3D one AND the sense of an interconnected one of greater harmony is standing out for me. Again, not needing to resolve the "lower" one, but to hold the space for "what is" on multiple levels - perhaps that allows threads to connect and layers to be shed. (Within myself and refelected externally).

Aspasia - I am very touched by your sharing and love the energy of an etheric cup of tea...=). Yes, I too felt the connection to what Marije shared - yes there is a deep grief and sense of loss. I mourn the loss of another time, another way of being that feels natural and harmonious...I witness that I build a lot of frustration around the seeming impossibility of a different way here and now in the phsyical on this planet.  At times, this keeps me from feeling  the grief - I am beginning to see that we only continue to be able to feel more of the all of it. I feel on the edge of a much wider view and experience..your words are helping me recognize that within me. <3

I loved this..."'My' grief says that I dare to love in face of loosing it all. That I am sensitive to realise the interconnectivity with all life. And I feel fully connected and NOT disconnected from a higher power or whatever the spiritual narrative is. 'My' grief invites me to experience death every day. To be available to this emotion and to share it with a community of other souls, so that it is held as it deserves in its full unequivocal expression. In this way 'my' grief matures, ripes into a way of beingness that is unbreakable and tuned into the Awakened Flow of Rightness. To me, this is 'the true seat of my power'."

Part of what I am experiencing is a deeper acknowledgement of what is really happening and a de-normalization of that. I feel invited to carry the awareness of this and stay connected to the higher "vision" I feel inside. 

Part of your sharing brings up the inquiry of what does "acceptance" mean to me. It feels important to acknowledge the reality of what is happening on the planet (maybe some may call that acceptance) which when we do, how could we not then feel an arising of grief, anger, outrage and as you said accept that this is how I feel in response to this acknowledgement. I too do not accept that this is ok - how could this ever be ok? But I do feel it is helpful for me to accept that this is actually happening and this is how I feel about it.

Synchronistically, many little keys have been dropping with regard to this inquiry.  Yesteday Walmart kept coming up in conversation with strangers or friends and a huge Walmart truck pulls in front of me while I am driving. I am wondering "what is that about"? What could be a better symbol of consumeristic society than what might be witnessed in a Walmart? Late that night I realize my son needs baseball pants for the next day and the only open place is the 24 hour Walmart!  So, I head over, walk around the whole store but don't find what I need. I walk straight to a car that I think is mine, but turns out to be the name of Pathfinder.  I kind of laughed to myself about the exploration of how to be in this Walmart world that ultimately leaves you empty handed and the answer is to keep "finding the path" through that by Self-realizing through every circumstance.

This poem speaks straight to the experience and touches my heart...thank you! I am saving it! <3

Charlie  - thank you for your kind words. I wonder what you are feeling that I have lost? I do FEEL a sense of loss (perhaps it's that that you are picking up on?)  Touching the feeling of powerlessnes and inadequacy feels like the place of reclaiming...I feel grateful to come in contact with it. I do get scared and overwhelmed by the world at times...and that's ok - I see the need to control and what it does for me. I just keep unravelling it as it shows up in new places =).  It's beautiful what you shared about your daughter. I love to see and experience these magical moments in life as well...helps me trust in my Self and in each one's inner wisdom and sovereignty. 

Biggest love and hugs to all of you <3 Jen






Hi Jen, I am not sure what made me feel that way, I just did and I felt sad for you. I believe loss means to me that a grieving process may be needed. On then other hand sometimes what is lost can only be found by looking inward. One of the things I tell my daughter, is if you look within yourself, you will find the answers you seek and if it are not there wait it will be there when it is time, trust in in your gut and intuition and yourself.

Ps. Jen and maybe it is me that is feeling lost

Much love

Praying EmojiHeartPraying Emoji



In reply to by Charlie

Hey there Charlie,

Yes, I was curious about your statement here, "I thought how can this beautiful soul lose this"...I wasn't sure what you were referring to and that's sounds like maybe you are not sure - totally cool - no need to have a specific answer =). I gather from your reply that you felt a sense of loss and sadness for me as you read my sharing. Is there an element of pity in that? (something like saying "you feel bad about yourself and I don't want you to/don't think you should feel that way).  

I feel this is an important reflection for me it is the same lens that I sometimes, inadvertently see my children through when it comes to the intervention and it's influence. I sense that pity is a judgement of the experience that's being had.  To me, it also says, that I doubt my children's ability to confront what their own Soul has drawn. This is a projection of the sense of inadequacy that I experience.  Thank you so much - it's very helpful to feel more into the dynamic. I know it takes a lot of courage to share on this site and I am grateful for your input. I feel compassion at the core of your expression, which I gladly embrace. <3 

You said "Maybe it is me that is feeling lost"...maybe we both have reflections here. If I might offer a few questions and if they don't resonate or you don't feel to explore here on the site, please feel free to let it all fly by =). I wonder what perhaps you feel you have lost? Is there a sadness in you that hasn't been heard or expressed? How comfortable are you with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, powerlessness, or other things we might describe as "yours or other's pain"? 

This feels a bit vulnerable ...offered with love <3 Jen

In reply to by .Jen


 Hi Jen, you have definitely touch something in my core. Lost, sadness, insecurities, inadequacy and powerlessness. I will start with the one that jumps off the page: Inadequacy, I feel I have dealt somewhat with this one. I felt this way early on life as early as the age 8 grade 3 in the Catholic School. I can remember the nun ask me to stand up in front of the Class by the chalkboard and read from a book. I refuse to read, standing in front of the class. It was not because I did not want to it was because I could not read without getting stuck. The nun proceeded to kick my feet out from underneath me and as I fell my back rubbed against the edge of the chalkboard and left a 4 inch cut in my back. I made it to grade 6. Writing and spelling was my biggest struggle. Math was my strong subject. In grade 6 the vice principal allowed me to carry on with my math so that by the halfway through the year I was in the grade 10 math book. But in all the other subjects I refuse to do them, I ended up with zero. The vice principal told me if I didn't try harder that the following year I would have to go back to the grade 6 math book. At that time we were changing from standard measurement to metric. Metric had a lot more work to it but was a little easier. The math was too easy and now that I had been held back a year I decided not to do anything not even sign my name to any test. I spent two years in grade 6 and spent two years in grade 7 and was kicked out of school in grade 8. So you see this is just a little of the feeling of inadequacy. I thank you for pointing this out. I did return back to the education system when I was 40. First 6 months I struggled with trying to write. Which I knew I could not, but being as strong as I was, I ask for help and was diagnosed with dyslexia. This was a relief. They gave me all the tools that I needed to make the honor roll, 3 years in a row. I finished College with several certificates and then when to University for 4 years and come out with a Bachelor of Arts in Community Studies without having to write a word. 
 For the next 10 years I worked in mental health. I got by writing my reports with the help of the people I worked with. I was not embarrassed or shy about telling people about my learning disability and my spelling problems. I've suffered several injuries from aggressive clients. The short answer and why I left the field of Mental Health is that it didn't feel right anymore. My body had taken enough. 
It seemed that I slipped away from topic. 
 I join Openhand 2 years and 9 months ago. A friend told me about it and I checked it out. You see my ability to read has gotten quite strong over the years. But I have learned that I have to read slow and sometimes reread what I'm seeing. Here is where in adequacy comes back to me tenfold. And that I'm trying to face by writing here. So I guess this feeling is really strong right now as I write this, in fear of being judged by the rest of the Openhanders. I will have to proofread this, more than once to settle the anxiety that writing brings. I guess that's why I talk a lot and listen when I need to. LOL 

 If I don't stop here I will surely delete this as I have done many many times here and Openhand. I will say I don't sense a feeling of loss, insecurity or powerlessness though. Sadness on the other hand yes but not for myself for all the other people out there and the planet and the things that are going on that I don't know about. But that's okay. I do see the good in the bad and the bad in the good. 

With all my perfect imperfections. 
Much Love 


In reply to by Charlie

Dear Charlie,

When I read your story... I see elements of my sons journey as well as my own - not the exact circumstances, but it seems like similar feeling. And initially there is this sense of "it shouldn't have been that way"...of course we can see the rejection of ways of being on a cultural level and how that affects the way we relate... How we are pushed into a box and seemingly denied a reflection of the qualities that don't fit the mold. The belief then in our inadequacy seems inevitable ... For some perhaps that creates a giving up, for some an appeasing and striving, for some a constant beating up inside for not meeting the metric, for some a fight against the system and perhaps some even see hey! It's not me that is flawed here! Surely lots of other ways of being may arise!

And, if we agree that nothing is actually being done to us, we are co-creating circumstances from our own way of being, from own sense of limitation, from our karma.... Then perhaps it's ok for us each to feel and experience what we do. And when we have shared experiences for example the sense of being inadequate, A natural sense of compassion may arise for what the other is experiencing... Having experienced similarly ourselves. Perhaps we might inquire why we have (on a Soul level) created the circumstances that stimulate inadequacy? What is it inviting us to find inside?  What have we lost along the way and what can be reclaimed?

It's important to feel the impacts ... To feel the inadequacy that no particular set of accomplishments can fill. You mention a fear of the judgements from the OH community and I can understand why your prior experiences may cause that to arise. I have felt the same many times and I commend your for confronting those feelings by writing here! ❤ That takes massive courage! Might you have taken on the judgement that you truly are inadequate and perhaps feel if only you can get it all right you won't have to feel that (and it won't be reflected back to you as the perception of others judgement)  What might happen if you let the feeling of inadequacy have space within you to be fully felt? I say this for myself as well!

I see that I am working to reclaim those parts of me that I see in you. I too am working to embrace those parts that feel inadequate and let myself find and feel the truth at the core if it. If at all I am mixing up what you feel with what I feel, I have noticed a tendency to do so and so please do let pass by anything here that does not resonate for you. I am working out these things as I see parts of me in the reflection. That doesn't mean that what I perceive is your actual reality.  😊

I honor the willl it took for you to overcome the obstacles you faced. Truly beautiful, and honest sharing. I am inspired by your lovely willingness to share so vulnerably and openly. 

Much love, Jen 

Hi guys, this feels like a beautiful and sensitive exchange happening. Heart

"All I see is a part of me". When we witness something in another, there may be an accuracy to it, but it's also pretty much always the case that there's a reflection for us too.

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Alex, I felt to pick up on your inquiry into "positive affirmations" - an invaluable exploration for sure. Thumbs Up Sign

Let me begin by saying, in the Openhand Approach, generally, there's a serious risk with applying these. The risk is denial of the truth of the moment by painting a positive gloss on things, which can then become an identity always doing that - a strategy, rather than the free flowing spontaneity of the soul. The identity can then mask over deeply repressed karmic source pain, which becomes difficult to access and unravel. The identity may feel good, or blissed, or happy, or loving, but it's still an identity and not the absolute presence of the One. So in these states, there's often a disconnect from the absolute truth of the moment, which personally, I witness in many spiritual teachers.

But clearly you felt you had a very positive experience from the teaching offered. So let's inquire into that to see what might be revealed. You said...

So the first thing he did,  was to ask everyone,  just for one minute to affirm and feel that "I don't  have to forgive (enter name here)" . So as I did this exercise for a few times,  I felt some resistance falling away instantly,  and was moved to crying. It was as if I was saying " I don't have to forgive X. Oh thank God! What a relief! And then this I suppose allowed some (more) forgiveness to arise! Interesting how effective  this 'reverse' thing was for me.  And how actually affirmations may be another useful tool. 

On the positive side, clearly you touched a deep aspect of soul - I'd say that of surrender and compassion (also for yourself). And that is certainly of great value Thumbs Up Sign
But maybe there is also something else to uncover which might be deeper down?

Often past life karma can begin as the subtlest of vibrations, which can easily be masked by the strategy of always applying surrender, especially if you've intentionally affirmed that. So the risk is to miss that thread of vibration to pull on the deeper source pain (in this case, the 'surrender' is really distorted "accepting anything goes", as opposed to surrender to the truth of the moment - if you genuinely feel angry, be angry, until the anger subsides, and you find, for example, the natural will of the soul, which had been buried in the anger). 

The point of past life karma, is that we're here to fully process it, because it's something the soul couldn't handle at the time, a 'fragment' may have become detached in the experience, and therefore another look is necessary. Let's say someone was abused, in a really full-on way, maybe as a child for example. Often the response is to go out of body, following which, the psyche installs an inner 'trip switch' - whenever anything approaching that feeling or sense happens again, the trip switch throws and the soul goes out of body once more - often into the 4D, which certainly in later life, if affirmed, can become blissful. But the problem can be, that the underlying karma has not been fully dealt with. We have to get deep into our authentic karmic reaction, in order to find the One in it.

Turning to forgiveness, I agree, there's no need to forgive. But why? I think it's essential to explore this question before we actually arrive at the place where forgiveness is not necessary. It's because of the realisation that we manifest everything that we draw to us - you manifest everything as a lesson for the soul to be forged through that experience. So in this sense, nothing is "done to you". BUT, and it's a big BUT, as mentioned earlier, there may still be a fragment of soul stuck in the original past life incident (almost always an incident in this life is a reflection of a past life). And that fragment will there because of some trauma. But you don't get rid of the trauma and reintegrate the fragment by plastering over it with an affirmed gloss of acceptance.

To reintegrate any lost fragment of soul, buried within karmic source pain, you have to relive the essence of the experience once more, with pretty much the same kind of intensity. Because to be the One in it, is to be able to comfortably embrace the ALL of it (not just the loving positive aspects of the Universe). That way, the soul integrates and becomes able to flow through the intensity of the situation - including any similar future situations. What's also essential to add, is that in regressing into the source pain this way, you reclaim a new aspect of beingness contained by the soul fragment - maybe courage and will, to stand up to an oppressor, for example.

When you've truly found the One in any given situation, to the extent that you can accept being in it without needing to change it, then there truly is no need to forgive. But to truly heal through it, you have to revisit the intensity of the original experience - this is the forging of the soul. 

Thanks so much for your illuminating inquiry Alex. It inspired me to write this article today...

The Liberating and Empowering Effect of Intensive Forgiveness


Open Praying Emoji



 Thank you Jen for all your support along this journey. I feel quite blessed that I have been guided to this community. And know that it is without judgment. I know, like you have pointed out, in not so many words, that I am my worst critic. But I do see how sharing similar experiences can help go a little deeper and soften into the feeling of inadequacy and see it for what it truly is. An eddy current in my flow that sucks me in. Sharing with you really does help. And what I said about my feeling of being judged by the Openhand community for how I write, is not truly them, like you said; is a reflection of myself. I would say that the community is the holder of the space so I can find my reflection to understand the "why I feel" . If that makes sense. If you were here in front of me I am sure that the two of us would be sobbing like babies, with a feeling like, I knew I could do this. 

PS. Jen I'd like for you to do something for me. Take your left hand and put it on your right shoulder and your right hand put it on your left shoulder and then squeeze. That is me giving you a hug. 

Much Love 
Charlie Heart



In reply to by Charlie

Aww that is awesome Charlie! Thanks so much for hug!

If I may say in response to what you express here "go a little deeper and soften into the feeling of inadequacy and see it for what it truly is. An eddy current in my flow that sucks me in." Perhaps it's inviting you to get sucked in to a become so totally ok with the feeling of inadequate, that you don't need it to go away and in that place, it can no longer hold you, it can no longer limit or control the way you show up. From what I have experienced, it is in that place, that we may find something precious. 

Thanks for the video clip as well...very touching sentiment <3 It's been very inspiring and deeply freeing to connect and share with you. xx Jen

Thank you Jen and Charlie for all your postings and reflections, it has also brought up some of my own reflections and shit i need to work through.  I won't go into details as it would take too much of my energy.  I just wanted to acknowledge this here.

Thank you



Open said: “I think it's natural to want the best for our kids and those around us. It's one of the big things we touched on in the seminar. As we explored, just as we wouldn't want someone else to walk our pathway for us, then at a soul level, it is the same for those connecting with us - they wish to walk their own path too. I see that in 'trying to protect' energetically, we might inadvertently keep people out of feeling the fullness of their own energetic situation. By being fully immersed in their own energy, whilst we hold the space, gives them permission for their own soul to go deeper within - so then 'miraculous' healing can happen. I'd say this is a dynamic for us to consider and embrace too. It's a big one, especially where kids are concerned.”

The piece about ‘trying to protect energetically’ stuck out for me. I do sense this happens on a large scale for me at home. It seems to happen naturally that I take on their energetic disharmony as my own. I end up carrying a large amount of stress from unresolved dynamics. The stress forces me to look at where my attachment is. Perhaps the biggest underlying attachment is just needing things to be smooth and harmonious. This causes me to focus on the disharmonies and work to resolve them - which pulls me in to managing on the external level. I have resolved a lot of my external managing of their lives and have had to accept that I can't create continuous harmony (nor would that be supportive of any of our paths), but physical illness/emotional pain over extended periods of time tends to trigger me.  Realizing this word "resolved" is a big one for me...perhaps the trigger is in the inability to bring resolution - the discomfort in staying in the unresolution.

It seems natural for me to absorb and digest the energy - but my tendency to “own” it with my kids, rather than letting it be felt, but not become mine, causes the internal overwhelm/stress.  

I am reflecting on a recent event that mirrors the dynamic. Me and a friend got into some tension during a conversation and my daughter, feeling that walked over and sat right between us - acting like a buffer for the situation. This I feel is what is I am energetically IN it too much.

Staying aware of my need around resolution in the dynamic and unravelling the tightness will perhaps allow me to feel it without getting defined or owned by it. Then, if I can keep attention on the energy and see how it wants to unravel within me that’s going to have a greater and more aligned affect.

Open to reflections on this! Thanks! Jen



Hi Anastasia. Thank you for sharing your story! Such a powerful and beautiful sharing. It touched me very deeply. In fact, when I read your story, a tremor started deep inside my core and reverberated outward. I suddenly felt cold as an ice cube and was shaking from the inside out. Something deep was touched.

You said:

“I have come to understand, over the years, that my daughter is very sensitive to people and energies around her. I’m a highly sensitive empath myself, so it’s not too far fetched to think she may embody some of these qualities as well. What I’ve discovered during the course of my awakened journey is that my daughter always provides me with the perfect mirror. She not only reflects who I am being today, but also issues from my childhood and even past lives that need to be addressed. That means that when things from the past get activated in me, she intensifies them through her own behaviour and emotions synchronistically to provide me with the clues I need to uncover my own personal traumas or distortions.”

Yes, indeed I have learned to always see what is being shown to me through the events and circumstances around me - to inquire how that causes me to feel. The things my children have experienced and expressed have unveiled many deep and hidden layers in me. I’d say your sharing touched on something more, though I am not sure what that is yet. The other day something happened that showed me this energy inside that expresses as “when will it be about me?” Synchronistically, the day you sent your message I came across a book on audible called “Warming the Stone Child” by Clarissa Pinkola-Estes. 

You also asked:

“So, I felt to just ask the question, if you’ve looked into the possibility of your son’s pain not necessarily being entirely his own, but a direct reflection of a pain or trauma of yours? Perhaps even something completely unrelated.”

Thank you for this question. As things come up, I work with whatever energy presents itself. Though it can be easy to be swept up in seeking a resolution in the external too and missing what’s being revealed.  It seems the exploration has been one of “how does this experience cause me to feel?” which does then reveal the pain/attachments I am carrying. And yes indeed I do feel he amplifies my untouched or unexpressed energies. One big thing I have noticed through his times of physical/emotional pain is that he reflects to me the parts of me that want to collapse, give up, seek external relief. The pain is one of powerlessness and having noone there to be with me in the pain - utter aloneness and a sense that I can’t do this by myself - overwhelm. There are deep roots in this...I am finding through all of this a greater ability in life to be resilient and even when I feel like it’s (life) all too much, I am finding inner strength and trust. These are very old patterns. In addition, I have been going through a great deal of emotional pain. He may be feeling that as well.

Yet there is something I can’t quite touch and I get the sense that what got triggered from your message is a deeper layer - something frozen that is starting to reveal itself. Perhaps it is even the depth of empathy I feel in your response. Being seen and heard is very touching... Connects to old feelings of not experiencing this as I am sure most can relate to. It causes me to reflect on a deep loss that I feel in regards to community...especially the more empathic women I have been close to.  Others are coming into my life and offering new reflections, though it always feel nice to feel such a warm and sensitive vibe.

Thank you for taking the time to share with me and offer the opportunity to reflect and go deeper. <3 The threads are getting pulled - will see where this goes!

Much love,