"Sword of Truth"...YOUR inner Inquiry?

I've been out traveling and camping on Dartmoor in South West England, opening an inner space that new creativity may flow. It's inspired me to start a new Forum Thread here for everyone to share what happens when you go into stillness and inquire within? My gift is being able to offer an intuitive reflection, so I'll happily offer one if you'd like the feedback.

Feel free to share anything. Someone once said to me..."That was dull, I got nothing!" To which the intuitive reply..."Oh, so you touched the Void of Infinite Potential! Tell me what 'dull' means to the ego?" It usually goes really deep from there!

I felt to share a snippet of my own inquiry with you to get the ball rolling...

My final evening has been spent camping close to a favoured location - Brent Tor, with the Marvelous St Michael's Chapel on top. Generally I'm not too keen on church energy - I find the focused praying usually creates a fuzzy constriction around the head on the plain of the intellect. This time though, they'd installed a new roof on the church several months ago.

So as I sat and breathed, I could feel an expansiveness in the higher chakras. Also it's founded on solid granite rock, so it also felt very grounded and earthed. I got the sense of an excellent bridge between heaven and earth forming. It spoke strongly of the Openhand 'mission' here.

So do share your experiences with the inner inquiry. Even if its simply fuzziness - we'll be sure to bring some clarity to the exploration.

Here's the stunning Stained Glass Window of St Michael in the Brent Tor Chapel. With it, I hand the Sword of Truth over to you. What are you experiencing in the inner world right now?

In loving support

Open heart

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Yes I get this one - the feeling that we could be doing much more. But the more we settle deep into being, the more we see just what a deep impact that has, even though it might not always be immediately obvious.

Open OK Hand SignPraying Emoji

Dear Open,

I have looked into why I feel overwhelmed regularly . I think it seems from me being very harsh on myself. A lot of self judgement about how I should be doing ' more' . With emphasis on the doing rather than the Being . I sense this is Old stuff coming up that regularly died actually .



You'll find it's a totally natural apptitude Megha - it just comes when you have the sense and idea of what to do.

Maybe explore though what it is you're doing on a day-to-day basis that leaves you feeling overwhelmed?


Open Heart

Dear Open ,

I think I am getting better at realigning Grey's( writing this to seek reflections) . I think within my field they are resonant with the overwhelm I feel when there are just too.many emotionally charged things happening and I am feeling swamped ( an interesting enquiry in itself) . So again I felt that yesterday . Opened my heart and softened into my overwhelm as well as the sense that I am never going to be 'enough' . They Grey's were then dispatched into a field from my heart to the angelic realm. Quan Yin showed up in my minds eye. I will confess ,I didn't think I could do all this at all and sometimes I wonder if I am just kidding myself about being adept at all. 

Deep gratitude for reflections in anticipation 


In reply to by iamdurga

Dear Megha,

I don’t have any personal reflections to add, but am wanting to tell you that I get EXACTLY what you mean, and I’ve been in a very similar place so many times. Sometimes stuff feels so subtle I question its reality, and whether I’m just being over-imaginative/kidding myself. 

Also there with you on Belgium too - it has not been an easy thing for me or my wife. But like you said “bring it on.” Looking forward to seeing you there!


Hi Megha. Sounds quite clearly of intervention blocking kundalini, which I'd say the 'golden structure ' represents. 

Use the meditations to 'break through the rock'. Kundalini will begin to help. We can work on it in Belgium

Open Praying Emoji

Thank you all for your open and honest sharings...I don't have anything specific to reflect back, but it is always so supportive to witness and feel others journeys.

Victim Consciousness has been rising a lot for me...it gets triggered by one particular person who is actually very caring and supportive of me. When I am in his presence, waves of anger, abandonment and neediness start coming up and wanting to be projected at him for "doing this to me"or there is self blame for creating this...and then the sense of hopelessness and despair start to swamp me.

I am beginning to catch it and dive deeper through the feelings of anger and desperation...the anger at myself for choosing to disempower myself and give up my sovereignty in exchange for protection and belonging.

 It's helping me to realize that I really couldn't have chosen differently - it wasn't conscious - it felt completely right at the time. I feel this is a major karmic imprint for me...giving up on myself and taking on a patriarchal protector....I wonder at the Orions/greys and my connection to those experiences.  The blame is a big one to work through as it just keeps me stuck in disempowering loops...its energetic and brings up intensely desperate feelings of decimation and physical/emotional suffering.

It's interesting to find myself in the energy that encouraged the disempowerment...the discomfort with vulnerability that is quelled through a "protector" but also the dampening of my own soulful will and passion.  I feel infusions of fiery, passionate, engaged energy and notice how the disempowerment/need for protection smothers the fire...feeling that fire is motivating me to find greater depth of surrender into the vulnerability. 

Came back to add some interesting synchronicity... I spent the day in the garden, reorganizing, pulling up old stuff and putting in new.... felt very inspired to see beauty and harmony. As I was digging up a rosemary bush to put in a new location, I found a silver key on a ring.. the key had the word Ace on it.... ace is both the 1 and the 13... it felt to me that it was about "acing" this energetic challenge...digging it up at the root.

Thanks for listening =) Jen


In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen - as ever you're clearly having a deep inquiry - great that you're so conscious of the dynamics Slightly Smiling

I think the vulnerability in the 'pregnant pause' is indeed a big one for us all. Often when we follow the flow to surrender, there's a subtle expectation for the Universe to produce - but then often there's just deeper quietness and an invitation into that. So that's why this space/moment became easily fill with the patriarch/protector.

I would say next time, explore just into the space itself and be clear not to need any kind of outcome or arising at first. Expand into that space. With the vulnerability can also come this place of awesome okayness - "okay, so bring it on, whatever happens!" Explore deep into the core of this - the core of you. You're literally 'tunnelling to the source'. To me there's great warmth there, deep acceptance, and then feelings of clamness and empowerment.

For me, I had to be careful not to focus too much on this. Or else it seems to override the emerging flow of creative soul. So I work to maintain a 50:50 perspective - 50% looking into this place constantly and 50% working with the arising. But if you're not yet fully feeling that deep sense of peace and acceptance in the vulnerability, then maybe explore more into that space first.

Love the 'acing' synchronicity by the way.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Thank you Open for the feedback. =)

You said "Explore deep into the core of this - the core of you. You're literally 'tunnelling to the source'. To me there's great warmth there, deep acceptance, and then feelings of clamness and empowerment."

Yes, I do feel this inner sense of warmth, acceptance and calmness though, it wavers in cycles when I find myself getting invested and attached to needing a future outcome of external safety and security...I meet the feelings and soften into it eventually. 

When I begin to bring the focus to the movement of creative energy, there seems to be too many options. One thing will begin and I will head down that direction and focus energies in that way and then the energy will dissolve and start down another path - on an almost daily basis. I find myself judging myself for lack of focus and commitment - and I wonder at whether it's just about letting go of needing to bring to completion. 

I wonder at the typo of "clamness"in your post above...the clam has some interesting characteristics...the shell to me is about boundaries and home and yet they are soft and vulnerable inside. How important is a "field of play" with some sort of boundary? As I write this an armadillo just walked through the garden =).  I have been building new gardens all week and overcome massive challenges in an area of the garden that I could not seem to find flow in. The key was finding a particular edging to outline the areas and now it's all filling easily with plenty of grit physically, but lots of ease and joy as the designs come through. 

I wonder if these sort of outlines for creative expression are something distorted in the creative process? It's like getting a shape - a general idea and then everything can funnel into that shape with ease. Does that makes sense? Without the general shape I can't seem to stay with anything very long and maybe that's ok too. 

Thanks for any feedback on this process!



Dear Maria,

First of all, thank you for having the courage to open up and share so intimately with us. It is a gift to all of us to be able to read about each other’s journeys and challenges. It helps us all along the path.

When I read your first post, I have to admit I didn’t really resonate that much with your challenge. Except for the part of being harshly judged and excluded by a group of people/peers. I had something similar happen to me in high school, when a false accusation from one person led to me being excluded by my entire high school class. Nobody would speak to me except to call me ugly names or verbally abuse me in some way. I learned a lot about the dynamics of Group Consciousness during that time.

Now that I read your last post though, I suddenly see several common threads that I feel I want to share with you.

  1. “God will give me justice”.
    After my high school experience, I lived a big chunk of my adult life with the subconscious need/ambition that I had to achieve something ‘special’ that would serve as some kind of revenge or comeback for what they did to me. And I expected the Universe to actually help me with that. LOL! It wasn’t until after my awakening that I finally identified this subconscious contract I had written with myself back then and finally tore it up. What a relief it was! Suddenly, I didn’t have to achieve anything extraordinary any more, which subsequently led to me feeling so much more at peace and content with where I was actually at in life.
  1. The Pleiadian seedings
    That’s a biggie for me! I’ve had several experiences of being some sort of “hybrid experiment”.  In fact, I noticed one of my old sharings is actually further up on this very thread. When I read Divinicus, I read that part about the Pleiadian original seedings over and over. It stirred layers way down in me,  and a day or two after I had a deep regression into being one of these original ‘experiments’ and how extremely difficult and terrifying it was.
  1. Betrayal of my Soul family
    This one came up quite recently for me at the virtual retreat a couple of weeks ago. And as a result, a process has been initiated for me as to where I place my loyalty in life. I had an exchange here with Open not long ago where he talked me through the different layers that may need to be penetrated in order for this integration to happen. This part stood out for me...

    “But then there's also the energetic connection to the human family and what this feels like. The connection with DNA connects very deeply, even though the soul feels drawn to other vibrations.”
    I kept staring at the words “human” and “DNA” and I remembered my regressions into being a hybrid experiment and I felt very strongly that the answer lies there somewhere. It seems my first time in a human body was so traumatic, I still want to disconnect from the human experience altogether. Disown it somehow.


My recent explorations of my connection to my Soul family led me to express through  some creative writing. Synchronistically, I was just about to go into a different thread to post it when I stumbled across your post and felt I wanted to read it. I’m glad I did. Now that I’ve read it I feel that so much in my poem relates to what you have shared. So if you feel drawn, I’d like to invite you to read it. Perhaps there is something in there that will speak to you. After I post it, I will paste the link in this post so you can easily find it.




Wow! You amaze me, girl! That was a really powerful sharing. This part sent ripples of strength UP my spine.

Then I pick me up and look myself in the eye, find my way back to me. I don't need to see the whites of anyone else's eyes, just my very own.


Much love to you both,





This sword of truth. This reminds me of how many times Ive looked back and in my minds eye Ive seen myself on the floor. Emptied out, bloody and broken. Just wanting with everything I have in me to give up and so I do. We oftentimes want to think we want what is best for each other but even the best of the best is the cruelest of them all. I sure hope I'm done seeing cruelty from others, I sure hope Ive learned everything I came here to learn. I sure hope I never see myself again attacking anyone else, that's the hardest one ever for me to know and see.

Then I pick me up and look myself in the eye, find my way back to me. I don't need to see the whites of anyone else's eyes, just my very own. I don't want to see myself being murdered by another, or hurting someone else. Wondering every time why people poke their weaponry at that which they don't understand. Every time thinking I'm sure now I've really just seen it all. Truth always being told and truth always being known.

Ive experienced this church thing too. Seen cruelty and horror, held my head as high as I could for myself while sitting amongst other people in those buildings. I got pregnant with my second child, a moment that I am thankful for yet had no choice of my own in. I was made to go tell the pastor of the church of my pregnancy, of my unwed one that is. I sat there hearing unkind words as daggers thrown my way. I was apparently alot of things that were not considered pure. I left that day knowing they did not know the truth, that in the end it was not going to matter anyways. For nine months I held my head high, hearing them whisper. Hearing their minds truth, seeing the whites of their eyes as I smiled the best I could at them. Watching the righteous and yet total arrogance of it all. Yet I smiled, not to smile my way through the pain but because my hand was being held and I could feel that. That I made a choice from it and it was my very own. I keep that comfort inside me, that ally to myself. I paved a way though, for me. I removed that puritan of an old age thoughtform from my life, the judgements cast upon me for having babies and not being married. I like looking back at that moment, it reminds me how much more free I am today.

This was the start of me just wanting to say to everyone I encountered, God is not in a building. The God of you is absolutely everywhere and you are there with that. Some like hearing it, others not so much. Even I don't completely understand it, the one in me. But I'm really just thankful for the opportunity to do so. I'm really thankful for the thought/idea in my head that I already know all of this that I need or want to know, that there is ever so much more and that I have been lied to. I used to hear and even believed the idea of "Life! Aint nobody getting out of it alive." Well now that's just a pile of whatever. Because this right here, right now is just another moment in time and after all of this has been said and done as it has been a gazillion times before of being alive, there will more for me because I am an amazing immortal being just being housed in some pretty awesome skin.


I felt to highlight this forum thread again today... "Sword of Truth...Your Inner Inquiry". There's lots moving in the field right now and it's sure to be stirring up things within. If you'd like some support, do share an insight into what's moving for you right now and I'll gladly offer a reflection.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Hi Anastasia - I would explore the principles of tantra in sexual intimacy - so engaging in sexual intimacy, with yourself, or with a partner, and then working to be absolutely fully present, aligned, but also in full expression and enjoyment. This will help ensure the soul comes through but in an aligned way.

Yes it does sound like an implant. But work not to heavily focus just in that area - it sounds like you might have to defocus a degree, so as to soften it.

I trust this helps

Open Slightly Smiling

Hi Anastasia - what a journey you've been on. Just the brief insight reveals lots of journeying. The Sun Emoji

Yes, inner identities aren't necessary caused through parent or sibling relationships. It could be from friends, colleagues and also spiritual identities can form - especially if there's been some strong influence through the field - reptilian energy could certainly cause that. If that were the case, I'd say it's a question of working deep into the lower densities. It might be worth looking at sexual realignment if you'd not already done so - the reptilian energy has quite an effect at that level. We made this film about "Healing the Divine Warrior", which of course can equally apply to the divine feminine and how it might have been influenced by that energy...

Healing the Divine Warrior

Much love

Open Heart

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

I’ve watched the video and it makes a lot of sense to me. I have a very strong ray 1, and with it I recognise the typical distortions that seem to accompany this energy. I can also see how the reptilian influence may find a foothold in these types of distortions and ‘nurture’ them for its own purposes. 

Over the past week, I’ve been doing the meditation that is offered of healing the wounded dragon, and it seems to have an unraveling effect. It also seems this reptilian energy serves as a veil to keep me from accessing key information about myself. As this energy has begun to soften, there is some other identity issue that I’m beginning to touch upon. I haven’t figured it out yet, but it has to do with my cosmic identity somehow, of who I actually incarnated as. It’s quite complex to navigate, this part of the journey. Veils in all directions, and unexpected findings behind each corner.

When you mentioned ‘sexual realignment’, is there a specific method for that, or is it enough with the general guided meditation?

Thanks for all your help! ❤️🦋


In reply to by Anastasia

Ps. I’ve also detected a great deal of coagulated energy behind my eyebrows. It feels really dense and hard, and when I try to see or move through it, it feels like I’m hitting a brick wall. A lot of my attention is being directed to this area right now. Implant??

Thanks for sharing and inquiring Anastasia.

There are a three key caveats I pose in the 5GATEWAYS book - (1) that starsouls may well come almost in the reverse direction - they're often known themselves to be awake all the time, and many will know their connection cosmic soul families early on - maybe never forgotten. (2) The Gateways are all interrelated, so although they tend to be completed sequentially, it's likely you'll be working on several simultaneously (3) It should be viewed more as a framework for inquiry to step into your own experiential journey of it.

I think if you have been dealing with karmic issues from early on, then the likelihood is you retained your connection into the 4D as you incarnated. Hence karma would become active early on.

It is also possible that people will deprogram as they approach Gateway 2. But if there is still separation between lower and higher self, then there must still be identity programs in the lower vehicles causing it. Have you looked at parent relationships? (and siblings if you have any).

Wishing you well

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi again,

Wow! Thanks so much! That actually explains a lot of things for me. Especially possibly having incarnated with the connection to the 4D. I’ve always been mind-boggled about why I’ve always had to deal with things other people never seemed to have to deal with, my whole life. And why this “dealing” with things never seemed to ease up for me. As soon as I cleared one thing, the ‘sh**’ would hit from another direction, without pause. It seems my whole life, my sole purpose has been to just clear garbage out. I do see the scheme behind it now, but I tell you, there have been plenty of times when I’ve been on my knees, looking up into the sky, literally begging to be taken back home.

It also explains one other thing that I feel I am ready to let out into the Open now. In my mid twenties, I was attacked by a very malevolent reptilian entity. I clearly saw its face and I know exactly the moment when it attached to me. I also know I was warned before it happened. Nonetheless, I couldn’t understand any of what I saw or experienced at the time, because it was like something out of the 80’s TV-series “V”. I discarded it as a figment of my vivid imagination, but that incident changed my life for twenty years to come, as I was forced to engage in a whole new dimension of battles after that. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago, when a psychic asked me why there was a big alien lizard stuck to my aura, that I understood I had actually seen something very real. At the time, none of us could explain what it was or what it was doing there, but just having it recognised was a game changer for me. Having dealt with that mysterious experience, and the entity itself, I have to tell you what a relief it was to discover Openhand and the articles you have written about OC and especially the reptilians. Finally, someone explained it to me and I could just exhale and say, ‘Aha, that’s what that was.’

In regards to your question. I don’t have any siblings, and I have dealt extensively with my maternal relationship, as well as the absence of a paternal relationship. I feel I have been up and down that road so many times now, but as you say, if the full integration hasn’t happened yet, then there must still be something I haven’t uncovered. Or could there be any other possibility apart from parents/family?

with more gratitude ?? 




Anastasia you also asked...

You also mentioned ‘working to fully embody’ your home vibe here. Is that the same as walking the 5 gateways path, or did you refer to something apart from that?

Gateway 5 is called the "Resurrection". It's about fully opening and infusing soul into all the higher bodily vehicles of expression that are available to you (and finally cleansing any remnants of distortion in the lower vehicles). I'd say where a starsoul recognises they have connections to other cosmic soul families, then yes, the resurrection might well include that. For me, it seems to be an ongoing and central part of my journey here - the more I connect, the stronger I find I can bridge.

Open <3

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks again for your reply. Although I totally resonate with the 5 gateways, and the different steps and levels described. Still, I can’t quite make sense of my personal journey within the chronological form of these 5 initiations. I don’t seem to follow the general evolutionary process. 

For example, my first gateway, the awakening, is marked by a full blown psychic opening, a skill that seems to come a bit further down the path, and perhaps not from one day to the other, as it did for me. You also mentioned gateway 5, the resurrection. You said:

 “I'd say where a starsoul recognises they have connections to other cosmic soul families, then yes, the resurrection might well include that.” 

This confuses me, because this recognition and clear connection to my soul family has already taken place for me, but I’m nowhere near the 5th gateway. In fact, I’m still struggling towards the 3rd. Another difference for me is that I did most of my intense childhood and teenage deprogramming before I reached gateway 2, which was without doubt, a typical gateway 2 experience. (I shared that with you as a response to the “inner guru” video you posted a little while ago.) After gateway 2, my work started changing character to dealing more with karmic issues, such as past life and even off planetary experiences, which I understand is supposed to come after gateway 3. There are still distortions that come up from this lifetime, of course, but there always seems to be a connection to something further back in time. (Which makes me assume they are karmic issues). 

I can understand why I haven’t passed through the 3rd gateway, as it is about integration of the higher and lower vehicles, and that’s definitely something I’m still working on. However, my other experiences don’t make sense in the general mapping of the process. 

Do you have any insight as to why I may be experiencing it in this way?


Much love and gratitude ❤️??





Hi Anastasia - great question and example. "Transmutation" of distortions is something I'm passionate about. I'd say it very much defines the Openhand transformational work and is quite unique. Essentially.... seeing a distortion, but before ditching it, working into it to find the truth at the core of it.

I think you offered a great example...

Innocence is imminently perfect, while being immature means being something less than what you should or are expected to be. This can cause a lot of trouble for a soul. How do you maintain your innocence - a state of perfection, when you constantly struggle to grow out of the imperfection of immaturity? Perhaps the invitation here is to ease up on the judgment. Maybe ‘immature’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘less than’. Maybe it just means you are where you are, at a particular time on your journey...

So we recognise 'immaturity' as a distortion - the sense of it might make one feel unsure or doubtful, not good enough for example. So we work into the tightness of these distortions - these judgments - and find the purity of innocence, then to express that instead. And so the 'immaturity' transforms into a different, much more productive quality.

So yes! There will be a judgement at the heart of every distortion - a 'condemnation' of reality, either by us, or those around us. Bearing in mind that no one can judge you but yourself!

Much love

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Anastasia,

Thanks for having the courage to write about your challenge. There will be many reading who can empathise - I'm connecting with star souls around the world who feel similarly. In a way, we are indeed ALL hybrids. It's very clear when you look at human DNA, and especially the chromosome configuration, a lot of the transitions could not have happened by chance - some of them, for example, are genetic downgrades from the original, that would never have succeeded unless intentionally synthesised.

For example, the second and third chromosomes have been joined together to create 'speciation' - a new species separate from the original humanity. It's why we have only 46 chromosomes and the hominids we desecended from all have 48. And there are over 200 genes in our make up that appear nowhere else in the 'tree of life' on earth.

I've written in detail about this and some of the star soul challenges in the book Divinicus.

It can indeed feel very 'brutal' here in terms of the sense of density, and the general disrespect for sentient life. So it's understandable if there are strong inclinations to want to 'return home' - meaning to go back to lighter vibrations and to soul families more resonant with our personal vibe.

However, you are indeed here for a reason, and although perhaps at times difficult to accept, your soul chose to be here for the experience it is having - there are lessons to integrate. I think a big one for the Pleiadian energy is to maintain a sense of lightness, curiosity and innocence, even in the dense disregarding and mind-led densities. How can we 'marry' intution with logic? I'd say that's a classic Pleaidian lesson, and also something to share with others.

Starsouls will have key vibrations that others can benefit and learn from. That will be another important reason you're here in these times of the great shift.

Sometimes my soul too feels quite 'split'. I feel a strong resonance with my higher dimensional home, and long to return. Yet I also know there is a job to be done here, and so I work to accept that with grace - although it's not always easy!

What has helped me greatly, is the renewal of my home vibration, and especially, working to embody that here and now. I'm not waiting for it to be realised when I pass on. I'm working to infuse it here and now. I would say that is the invitation for you too, and for other starsouls. You can here to resonate that vibe, but you must work to fully embody it first.

So I wouldf suggest opening your heart in meditation and inviting the renewed connection. Then to witness how that unfolds around you in signs and synchronicity. In time, you'll surely feel that energy around you and in the things that you do. You'll be bringing 'home' here, so to speak!

Wishing you well.

Open Praying Emoji


In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thank you for your supportive insights and for your personal sharing of your challenges. It’s easy to think that once someone is enlightened, they don’t struggle with things like that anymore, and it’s comforting to be reminded that human matters apply to all of us.

I see synchronicity kicking in already through the last words of your reply. A few days prior to writing here, I was at my regular yoga class. During the final relaxation, the instructor put on this beautiful piece of music that deeply touched that place of ‘home’ inside of me. As tears rolled down my face, I felt the presence of my ‘home people’ as beings dancing around me. What they whispered to me were your exact words, Bring home here, bring home here...

You said: 

“I think a big one for the Pleiadian energy is to maintain a sense of lightness, curiosity and innocence, even in the dense disregarding and mind-led densities. How can we 'marry' intution with logic? I'd say that's a classic Pleaidian lesson, and also something to share with others.”

This really hit a nerve with me. I suddenly remembered a side of me I haven’t felt in a long time, years. I used to be so creative and playful. When I was younger, small kids loved to hang out with me because I loved playing with them. Today, I have small kids of my own, but that part of me seems to be gone, or deeply buried somewhere. I play with my kids of course, but I’m hardly ever playful. It’s just a performance of duty. This actually makes me really sad. I always thought I would be the greatest mom, because I actually liked being with kids on their terms. But as it has turned out, my kids hardly ever enjoy that part of me. It really pains me. ?

You say that under every distortion, there is a ray of truth, wanting to express. This invites me to explore the idea that perhaps the distorted version of innocence is immaturity. One is revered as curious, pure, and childlike, in a positive sense. While the other is seen as being less evolved, not having reached your full potential, and most of the time regarded as undesirable. It’s a constant paradox. Innocence is eminently perfect, while being immature means being something less than what you should or are expected to be. This can cause a lot of trouble for a soul. How do you maintain your innocence - a state of perfection, when you constantly struggle to grow out of the imperfection of immaturity? Perhaps the invitation here is to ease up on the judgment. Maybe ‘immature’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘less than’. Maybe it just means you are where you are, at a particular time on your journey...

My personal journey this past year has been all about retrieving my ‘original innocence’. To a great degree, this has meant forgiving myself, or someone else, for making poor choices, almost always due to immaturity. I can hear now, there is yet another part of my soul beckoning me to bring her back home. I’ve really missed her.

Thank you for the ‘renewed connection’ suggestion. I will embrace it as my spiritual practice for now, and see where it takes me. It’s nice with a new mantra. ‘Bringing home here’ has a pleasant  new ring to it. I was getting kind of tired of ‘I do not belong’. ?


With love and gratitude ❤️??



Ps. You also mentioned ‘working to fully embody’ your home vibe here. Is that the same as walking the 5 gateways path, or did you refer to something apart from that?



Hi Open,

I had something very strange come up for me in meditation recently, and I’m wondering if you can help me identify it. The sense is that this is ancient and possibly historic, and I know you have a lot of knowledge and understanding of a broader perspective of human evolution.

For quite some time now, a theme keeps coming up for me. It is a difficult case of homesickness that has in fact always been there, except now I’m beginning to understand it better. I have come to realise I’m a star soul, possibly Pleiadian. Plenty of synchronicity points that way. I have clear memories and dreams of being in a much lighter, less dense form, working with blue light energy between my hands. I remember a completely different way of living and communicating (more telepathic). I even recall making love in a completely different manner. I’ve never particularly enjoyed life here on Earth, and most of my life, I’ve just longed to go “home”.

I also have a very clear memory of how I felt before I incarnated. I was like an immature child who did not want to come down to Earth. I felt it was too brutal a place for my ultra sensitive soul, and there was a lot of resistance. My elders however, insisted I could handle it, that I could learn my lessons, but the memory of previous failures caused me to severely doubt my ability. It was like being sent away from a warm loving home to a cold and unpleasant boarding school with no holidays or visitation rights. I reluctantly agreed, because I knew I had to learn my lessons, but as I was getting ready to be born into a life I knew would be harsh, I made one last obstinate declaration:

“I will go and do my lessons, but I’m not gonna like it!”

So I accepted to come here and do what I had to do, but only in order to get to go home again, and that was the primary goal for me. But in the meantime, no one could make me like the human experience or life here on Earth. This one thing was my prerogative. 

As soon as I discovered this I knew, of course, that this was one of my primary lessons. To learn to love or at least be ok with life on Earth.

But why is this so hard for me to do? Why don’t I feel completely at home anywhere or with anyone? Why can’t I be comfortable in and love my human form? I have become better at it over the years of course, but underneath it all, there is this deep constant source pain. An sorrow, a dissatisfaction, a bitterness, that taints many aspects about my human existence. It’s like I can’t fully engage in my experiences and relationships. Something is always holding me back. So after two arduous years of breaking up various human identities formed in this lifetime, I suddenly realise that my strongest identity attachment lies with my extraterrestrial origin. Does this make sense?

So now to this strange meditation, I mentioned above. I meditated on this feeling of homesickness and attachment to my “home” or origin. A strong unpleasant sense of bitterness came up, and the images of dark haired and dark eyed people. They resembled ancient Egyptians but it may have gone back even further. I actually felt hate against these dark people and a strong urge to declare that I was not one of these people. I was of a different kind, not one of them, not from the same place, and especially not of the same race. Yet I was involved with them somehow, and forced to interact with them. My star soul identification came in very strongly with waves of blue light, and I felt a strong urge to dissociate from these other people. However, I could also feel they were part of me, part of my DNA somehow. The feeling was as if my mother, a star being, had coupled with a man of this other race, and the unfortunate result was me. Unfortunate, because there was something about the conditions of this coupling that did not feel right. I was feeling quite confused at this point, so I asked for higher guidance. Two words came to me over and over, half breed and hybrid. And then, the source of my bitterness: I’m an experiment. I am a hybrid experiment!

As synchronicity would have it, I have been seeing the word hybrid everywhere, for quite some time now, knowing it has some significance for me, but not being able to figure out what it is. 

I’m somewhat familiar with the alternative human evolutionary theories, involving Pleiadian DNA, and although I can’t yet grasp all the details, I resonate with the general idea. In light of this, the info in the meditation makes sense. In a way, we are all these half breeds or hybrids. The question is why this feels so deeply personal to me? Like something was done to me personally. Why do I feel this powerful attachment and loyalty to my star soul home or origin, to the extent that I can’t allow myself to embrace my own humanity?

Any ideas as to what I am dealing with here?

With love and gratitude, ??




Hey Thomas,

Lovely to 'see' you. :)

This sharing drew my attention:

however i have found myself wondering (in the case of the neighbours dog and donkey) for what reason the animals themselves do need this experience and consequently attract situations that are then interpreted in a negative way?

Im open to this inquiry and at the same time, I would like to share what I have observed many times happening because it feels very tender in me. NOTE: I dont imply that im observing this here in your post.

Very often some people will use the Law of Attraction to 'blame the victim' so to speak in that 'they' are 'responsible' for attracting this 'negative' experience' to them and so 'they' deserve it.  Abuse and exploitation, and in the case of animals too, has been justified and perpetuated in some circles because of certain belief systems, including that of the Law of Attraction.

To me, we are all interdependent. Whats 'happening' to the dog and the donkey, is happening in relationship to the person involved who is violent towards them (and as a result s/he is violent to oneself). And it is also happening in relationship to the persons who are witnessing. They are all in it together for learning. And (spiritual) learning is gearing one towards 'raising the vibration for all', towards a more connected, aware and compassionate Paradigm. So, instead of apathy and disconnection in the name of 'All is One or Love', or in the name of the Law of Attraction, I want to be constantly opening up in face of conflict, in face of violence, in face of exploitation and injustice so that Right action comes through for the good of all, including the neighbour.

We are all just walking each other Home

Ram Dass

There are many examples of people who spread love and harmony through their life and work and at the same time speak out when they see injustice and violence anywhere. Two of these people are an inspiration to me: Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr Willl Tuttle amongst many others of course. In my own experience, I have talked extensively with farmers, made attempts to connect with people who hunt animals in the UK countryside, and have connected with mentally vulnerable people who knew no other way but take their 'stuff' out on animals. And yes, I could 'do' more by 'being' That and so I am in the 'spiritual journey'.

Thank you Thomas for this very worthwhile inquiry - very timely for me :)

Wise Love


I agree with you Thomas regarding the animals. It seems to me they along with everything else here on this planet are having an experience be it positive or negative.

I really like this expression, the mind needs to be aligned with the experience of soul. Its quite profound!


Hi Thomas,

What a compassionate soul you are Heart

You said...

I know that the mind needs to be aligned within the experience of the soul, and that is where the path is leading all of us, but sometimes i would just wish to give it all up and have a minute of real calm. 

The calm will come my friend, it surely will. And then increasingly, we find calm in the busyness too. When I'm busy, I'm always warmed by this great Lao Tzu quote...

The Tao (the way) is never huried,
and yet nothing is left undone.

And so the peace comes in the storm too. Praying Emoji

It was a real pleasure hosting you on 5GATEWAYS Thomas - a privilege.

Open Thumbs Up SignThe Sun Emoji

Dear Wyndé, dear all,

i feel for you, the injustice done to animals is something i witness regularly living here in Mali. The case of the wolves sounds pretty clear, however i have found myself wondering (in the case of the neighbours dog and donkey) for what reason the animals themselves do need this experience and consequently attract situations that are then interpreted in a negative way? Food for thought ...

The wandering mind is another reflection you are bringing up, sometimes feels like as if wanting to be still unleashes a whirlwind of thoughts that are not allowing for real relaxation. I know that the mind needs to be aligned within the experience of the soul, and that is where the path is leading all of us, but sometimes i would just wish to give it all up and have a minute of real calm. 

During the 5Gateways Retreat (thanks Open-What an experience!) we have used this chakra breathing meditation, which i now use daily and which gives me a lot of relieve from my job that is quite busy at the moment. I love it. I can feel the whirlwind settling down in a matter of a few minutes to see again the sun and blue sky.

Many sunny greetings from Mali,


Hi hi!


My inquiry lately is a whole plethora of things!


Mostly random yet it seems to me how when I step back I can see how the random ties the connections within.

Such as: I was musing about how feral inside I felt I used to be . Basic auto pilot protector/guardian mode - don't cross her path unless your supposed to person.


I mused about this because my intuition is almost if not always on high alert, and I just knew something was about to happen to a wolf pack in my state. I even knew where to look, what website to go to. I read how a rancher was petitioning for the culling of a pack because they unfortunately feasted on three of his calves. They did so to ensure their pregnant female was well fed I suppose. The rancher's request was approved, a male and female were culled. I cant lie, I almost nearly lost my sh.. Not only were they wolves, a lifelong deeply personal thang of mine, but this took place in an area very dear to me. As I stood in my minds eye overlooking the entire scene, the absolute spectrum of it all I heard a whisper. Its just a view, another story. Nothing about it to me is alright, yet the rancher does what the rancher does. I would consider it an honor to feed any wild animal, he perhaps only wants to feed his cows.

I can choose not to interject my way onto him. Why should I?! I dislike being interjected upon, therefore interjection within itself must just be understood and filed away as just another interjection LOL!


Well, I cant describe how absolutely good that feels to just be able to understand that and completely free of that interjection. Its a theme as well lately that I must of chose somewhere along the way to understand the entirety of. Now I just feel peaceful about it and am praying the wolves go up the canyon and away from humanity instead of seeking food sources in the valley.


Then I mused about how perhaps I should of prayed for intelligence for myself instead of mass amounts of wisdom, then at the very least I would of understood some things better and not felt to be the daft twin of stupid! I wouldn't be going around half the time throwing my hands up in the air, thinking what the what is happening here and in turn running to a minds eye cave in search of understanding. Yet even that is just another view and not to be taken as anything but humorous :)


Now if only I could just keep my mind from wandering off constantly, it feels like its been ages since I just sat down and read a book. I used to read like 3 or 4 at a time. Yet lately I cant even get passed a paragraph before feeling like I'm getting pulled away. Makes me feel like those quiet times were the days huh!!! I suppose I need to just work on being very grounded so no one or no thing can pull me away from my task at hand.. Unless of course they are in extreme danger, then just yell help or pound on the walls hahahaha!

Or so that's what I'm telling all my friends and family.


I pray you all have peacefully ending inquiries :)




Hi Mark,

Great to connect with you here Praying Emoji

Interesting that you would feel lonely AFTER seeing your friends. I can feel right into this. My initial question would be... "what part of you are you rejecting?"... hence creating the reflection (of rejection). So what part of you can your friends not see, and therefore not provide a feedback loop on?

And then, if you allowed yourself to express the unexpressed part, how might things be different?.... for certain you would draw different people and create differently.

Of course getting into the unexpressed - unconscious - part is the challenge. It's highly likely this would emerge from the aloneness - self acceptance perhaps, from which, a greater sense of divine connectivity. That's usually what happens for me!

Sending love

Open Heart

In reply to by Open

Hi Open, thanks for your feedback. I tend to 'dip in and out' of spending time with people. I like my own company, but I do like to spend time with friends. Possibly my feeling of loneliness is more like an energy gap between being with people, and getting 'settled' when I return to my own company. I wonder if I am holding back a bit when I am with people, and then there is a slight feeling of loss after I leave, or being unfulfilled?  I do seek to understand the unexpressed in me. (Openhand courses have removed many barriers but still constraints inside me). I am seeking the breakthrough.

I guess the rejection part has been related to actual events throughout in my life, but there have also been much acceptance in my life too.

Best wishes, Mark





Open, your post prompted me to share where I am currently.

Because I had to move away from my home of 30 years to a new town, I have had an interesting year after arriving somewhere new, on my own, and where I knew no-one.

I find new social situations very challenging and I see a pattern of old where I look to connect with new people. The pattern is I find something I want to do, and that will get me into the local community (yoga class, gym, meditation class), and as I am about to go, a little voice in my head that says ‘maybe I won’t go today’. I will normally go ahead, but there have been times I have parked the car ready to do something and driven away.

Sometimes I feel a sense of loneliness, which usually happens immediately after I have spent time with friends. It will only last a few hours.

I sense both of the things I shared are related to fear of rejection, so I am working on this.


Hi Anatoly,

You are always welcome. As you rightly intuited i had some shift after i posted that yesterday. I have been feeling a bit resistant to posting here lately. And it was good to break the streak as well. 

VImal :)

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your contribution - it raised a very important point on the path - that of obsessing on aesthetic beauty and the challenges of "glamour". You said...

I have a deep appreciation for aesthetic appeal-and do find I am pretty particular about environments and appearance. Some of this I feel is part of a love and appreciation of beauty, texture, fragrance, overall vibe and that becomes obsession with specific details and inflexibility.

I've noticed personally too, that in the dense 3D environment, it's very easy to embody filters that tend to have an appreciation for what might be considered 'beautiful' form. I believe there's a truth in appreciating the natural beauty in things - of course, yes. But it's very easy to fixate on mainly the 5 senses. I can clearly see that some souls, for example, chose limitation - or distortion of physical form - so as to bring internal attention and external expression of the soul's innate qualities. So personally, I find it essential to work to appreciate the sense of the soul first. That way, I find there's less of a tendency to fixate on the physical (but to enjoy it too!).


Open Praying Emoji

Hi all! I have really enjoyed reading all of your sharings - love the honesty and self reflection! I have been coming into some new energies in pmyself...engaging more with the world... Volunteering mostly... Each time I meet the most incredible people and share just amazing, illuminating moments.

A couple big things that I have been noticing... Situation I think I need, like a job or a particular connection seem to manifest in hyper speed and interestingly I can see how I might have taken these things to be magically showing up and meant for me to proceed with, but actually the situations present and I then realize it doesn't feel right at all. These moments help me to see and refine what does feel right, what does bring a sense of aliveness - even if that rightness comes with a lot of challenge and self doubt. 

I am seeing how controlling I can be... I have a deep appreciation for aesthetic appeal-and do find I am pretty particular about environments and appearance. Some of this I feel is part of a love and appreciationof beauty, texture, fragrance, overall vibe and that becomes obsession with specific details and inflexibilty. This roles over into how I can be with my children - and how I have obsessed about things like food and technology.  I have worked on this a lot, but at times I still get pulled in. I feel I need to completely stop talking about it and find other ways to connect with them and others. I am not sure why I am so bent on it...at times I feel something related to anger at being stuck caring for someone who is sick and my perception of them not taking care of themselves and how it became a burden on me. 

anyways... Just some things popping up. ❤️ Jen



Hi Vimal, 

If you want my reflection, i would say you are making a good progress just by noticing how you posted.  There is a lot less attention to the formal and more getting right to the core of the issue.  Keep doing it and breaking through the resistance and you will come out smiling on the other side.

with respect


One of the things im experiencing now is a lot of resistances to whats been invited of me. I feel anxious when im invited out of my confortable state. I kinda long for the excitement and will i had which drives towards it but i feel im invited to surrender into whatever im feeling at the moment. Despair is one of the reasons thats behind the feeling - not being able to see the point in anything especially the path. I have always worked by protecting myself from the situations that make me vulnerable and mostly its where other people are involved ,of being embarrased in public. For a period of time i was seeing the same pattern of meditating out the negative energy so that i can be better prepared of the world. I feel a resistant to this anxiousness. The tightness is usually in the solar plexus. I find i spend  a lot of time in my head still which drives me towards the situations which feels kind of an identity. But there is surrender of not needing anything else which is feeling of relief from all the efforting. I see that im still holding onto what it means to be spiritual which is based on needing an outcome and when there seems to be none there is despair. Synchronicty tells me that its an on - off thing ,that i cant expect myself to be excited and motivated all the time . There is gold burried in every feeling with surrender. 

Another feeling i have been feeling for the past few weeks is not being good enough and not being supported. Expressing into the outer world is for others to see rather than just expressing. Its not my fault ofcourse ,this inauthenticity but its how im for the moment. Im pulled in my creative endeavours between the feeling of joy,motivation and the need to be fullfilled , appreciated, perfection ,relief.  I have also been feeling a lot of anger towards my father to whom i think i cant express without a finger of blame. But i feel the anger is the warrior wanting to break free from the self imposed limitation. So maybe this warrior is my expression. I think some of the distortions has stemmed from the negligence i have felt in childhood and some of it is definitely karmic. Though im not in a position to discern between those. But i project this need to be acknowledged to the father figure and actions are usually distorted by it.

Marije and Anatoly - i definitely resonate with self judgement which i feel i have in excess. Some of it is usually connected with an idea of whats right and wrong. I know intellectually that there's no wrong way to do anything but i long for perfection and if there is none there is self judgement. I get a feeling of relief when i think i have done something in the supposed right way but what relief would it be to the drop the idea of right and wrong altogether!

Great to hear from you Marije!  Self judgement is a big one for as well and resonate with what you said about it. Strangely, for some reason i thought it was not an issue for you.  Maybe i wasn't attentive enough.  Self judgement can be o so subtle, for me usually when engaging with people of something i may have said or done by being myself.  At the same time i know this is the best place to be for reflections and work through it.  

Right now, lower mind and its fixed behaviors/paths is the biggest challenge for me.  I quite often find myself taken away from presence by thoughts and pondering.  This is quite annoying as it can be distracting while internally processing energy or just being plain present.  Fixed nueron pathways can be difficult to break apart and i will keep working with it. Doesn't mean i want to ditch it just be more aligned.  

Speaking of free flow and agenda.  the other day me and my partner were doing our using dinner outing (broken kitchen over a month) and when asked where should we go, i just said follow that dark grey car, then follow that light grey car then white car, make a right turn and then out of nowhere we are in front of a place called "Souly Vegan Cafe".  Wow! and we found a new and interesting vegan cafe with egyptian theme. That was quite magical!

with live,


Thank you for your support Open! I really get the feeling now of what you always meant by "soul gold retrieval". I'm sure much will happen until we meet again, so I will continue reading your posts, as every day... Smliing

I really appreciate your response Aspasia. Your words give me a warm and supported feeling! What really gets me is this:

I also have felt that 'trying to live without any agenda' is itself an agenda. The Form (Agenda) and the Formless (Free flow). One or the other?? What if the invitation is to drop fixations to one or the other?? And to allow deeper connection and trust to arise...

After some inner inquiring I come to a similar answer... From everyday observation, there is actually no right or wrong, but always a synthesis of both. I'm thinking of the "rise up and fall down" again. There must be a individual balance in everything! How can God be one but not the other, when we are meant to realise him holistically in creation? So I better see my "negative" behaviours as part of me. SURE! On the one hand they contain some truth to be realised, pointing me where I should put my awareness on to work on it, but on the other hand I really see it now as something humans just have. We are not perfect, but individuals, with corners and edges! For example I just do like to eat a lot, it's more like still holding a balance, watching for attachments and experience the enjoyment, than just dropping it as something "false" or "ungodly". I really feel that we must live our individuality, the souls as well as the one our ego expresses. So both will come to a divine union.

It really helped me realising this, as you mentioned it. Thank you warmly!Heart

Often there is the knowledge inside but I need someone to kick them out into the world of words... :-)

I wish you all a wonderful day! The Sun Emoji


Dear all,

Thanks everyone for your sharings, I resonate with most shared above! Particularly, the sense of loneliness when surrounded by people that I don’t connect/resonate with and the challenging nut of agendas. Growing up in a culture that is probably most attached to their agendas and planning to their lives months in advance, I often struggle with the tension between just feeling to go with the flow and people around me wanting to arrange things long in advance, leaving little room for spontaneous or last-minute encounters (actually some people might even get throw off by such encounters disrupting the predictability of their lives J). Somehow there is a fear that if I don’t comply with the need of others to schedule things long in advance, I will be left behind very lonely, because nobody will be available anymore by the time I am interested in a spontaneous encounter. I can feel I still have some work to do here in letting go of this fear and to trust that even if I don’t plan in advance the spontaneous encounters will come my way….

My personal inquiry at the moment has been about self-judgement. I am quite a star in judging and beating myself up for pretty much anything. Recently, I have been observing how my mind has a creative and wild imagination that creates ‘evidence’ and possible scenarios that are fuelling the self-judgement, which can turn something relatively minor into a huge self-imagined drama that I then beat myself up about. And that without all the crazy imagination there would be a lot less to judge myself about, so somehow I make myself the ‘victim’ of my own creations!

Related to self-judgement, I have been having an inquiry around the difference between a judgement versus an intuitive feeling. When is an intuitive feeling that you speak/call out a judgement or when does it become one? It has happened to me on a number of occasions that I would voice an intuitive feeling and found myself being ‘blamed’ for being judgemental. My sense is that in a lot of (spiritual) circles judgement is seen as something bad that is to be avoided and looked down upon, and I wonder whether therefore when some uncomfortable ‘truth’ is being expressed, it is easily labelled as being a judgement, because it can then easily be discarded without the discomfort of actually having to look into it further?


Hi all,

Thanks for the lovely messages.

Margaret - I feel your connection here, thank you. It's not so much of a 'too much to bear' feeling but more of a disengaging from the the outside - kind of like, 'f@#k this!' It feels a bit like being a sulky teenager ;) There's also quite a connection between this and separating with my partner - I certainly observe a need triggering for a 'special someone' - still, I'm in exactly the right scenario to work with that now.

Jennaya - I feel you with that one. I have often felt this dissonance with, on one hand a desire to connect with people, and on the other hand a deeper, more soul lead feeling to be more in myself. When you said it felt like dying for you, could it be some kind of identity that was dying?

Aspasia - Lovely to hear from you. Yes, it's funny that the feeling of lonliness is not really there when being alone - perhaps the separation of relativity is just much more noticeable when around other people. I do resonate with what you're saying about staying in the body too. For me it's like a 'safe place' which always feels right even during times of great pain.

Deep resonance with the sense of disconnection you have felt while with others Rich and in antithesis, the connection while on ones own. I know in my case it is karmic and because of life's flow and increasingly seeing everyone as the manifestation of Spirit, the sense of disconnection has been transmuting into connectivity. When feeling disconnection, unlike you or others who may tend to come out of body, the tendency for me has been to come into my body fully, into the pain of disconnection, not even observe the outer, and at least in the past, get locked/stuck in there because paradoxically it/the separation from out there felt connected and somehow comfortable.

I love what you say Sascha that the sufferings are an integral part of the journey. And so is disconnection and feelings of separation. I see 'sufferings' as a vibrating, alive experience that I am called to allow it to flow through me. Some 'sufferings' are stickier than others depending on karmic conditioning but the allowing to just be and expanding around the 'suffering' while it is there is the ground where transmutation - the Natural, Universal Law of change as Open describes - takes place. And Sascha, I LOVE this:

So when I'm in uncomfortable situations, physical stress, pain, boredom etc. I fully feel into my body, seeing all this as experiences of my souls journey and at times when I widen my view, meaning seeing the bigger picture I slightly get a little smile on my lips. :-)

So, to me, if agenda is happening in the moment because there is intention, then the invitation is to expand around it and see what it wants to become. I also have felt that 'trying to live without any agenda' is itself an agenda. The Form (Agenda) and the Formless (Free flow). One or the other?? What if the invitation is to drop fixations to one or the other?? And to allow deeper connection and trust to arise...

Wise Love x

Hi Sascha,

It's lovely to hear from you - great that you tuned in. Thumbs Up Sign

I completely resonate with what you're saying and experiencing...

We should not just rise our vibration and freeze in nirvana, but manifesting "heaven on earth". The extent we rise up high is the extent we have to and will(!) fall down.

Now I'm at a point where I accept the manifesting kinds of "sufferings" as integral parts on my path. The resulting "rise ups" are of a whole new quality. The simple things in life, when I'm aware of them, give me expanded experiences of freedom.

That's exactly the point! Everyone is here to process karma - where the soul has gotten buried in the river of (3D) life. So we have to dig deep into the density to retrieve those "nuggets of soul gold". And with each retrieval, we're going to experience beautiful expansions.

Wishing you well

Open OK Hand SignPraying Emoji​​​​​​​

Hello Open,

I hope and believe you are having a great time in the midst of today's turbulences!

For me much is happening as well as unfolding on the path. I'm currently reading the book "Sri Aurobindo" by Satprem. In one chapter, essentially, he is describing that we should not just rise our vibration and freeze in nirvana, but manifesting "heaven on earth". The extent we rise up high is the extent we have to and will(!) fall down. So this was striking, and since then I daily get more signs that this is manifesting now for me.

So when I'm in uncomfortable situations, physical stress, pain, boredom etc. I fully feel into my body, seeing all this as experiences of my souls journey and at times when I widen my view, meaning seeing the bigger picture I slightly get a little smile on my lips. :-)

Now I'm at a point where I accept the manifesting kinds of "sufferings" as integral parts on my path. The resulting "rise ups" are of a whole new quality. The simple things in life, when I'm aware of them, give me expanded experiences of freedom. Just sitting and breathing, watching nature and feeling into it, eating vegetables and watching the sun, so softly...

Feeling and enjoying life as it is, ever expanding, up and down, is what is happening now on my path. If you Open or someone other gets a feeling to respond, you are welcome to say whatever is true for you! :-)

Thank you for being here and best wishes to everyoneHeart


Hi Anatoly,

Yes the agenda one is a big 'nut' to crack. What you could perhaps do is set aside more time for "free wheeling" - at least two (ideally three) half days a week, then let the flow take you and see what happens. Also interrupting agendas - allowing yourself not to make a certain objective. I think these things would help.

Open Thumbs Up SignThe Sun Emoji

The biggest challenge for me is dealing with the every day agenda be it shopping, working and other stuff, even meditation may have an agenda of its own when mind gets in a way of what exercise to do next. It is challenging to embody - "I will not do a single thing unless it is coming from my soul"  No agenda feels like freedom but not completely possible for me right now.  I feel there is a way to work through/with agenda and still be able to embody great deal of the higher self.  I even feel like it could be fun to bend or ditch the agenda.

Energetically, there seem to be some dissonance through my body.  Strong pressure in the head which seems to be connected somewhere in the back/spine.  Sometimes it feels very strange to be around people or public places when i feel that.  Becomes stronger and distracting when meditating or lying down.  Still integrating from  the La Palma trip.  Sometimes, i feel like i am stuck but guess this is just part of the process.

With Love,



Hey Richard,

I just read your posts. Holding a space for you while you're pulling more threads out. The energy of what you are experiencing with the group now seems like the energy of what went on in your childhood. I remember you shared that during the Transfiguration in Glastonbury. Also, the sense is that there is "too much to bear" before you zoom out. The last one might be just my filter as I do that sometimes, but maybe not.

With love,



It doesn't always happen, but yesterday I had a strong reaction to it and then I definitely did go out of body. I might be able to take myself off on a toilet break and work with it if I'm in the middle of the course. 

Thanks Open



Do you notice if you go out of body?
If you notice a degree of that, then it could well be karma, in which case it would be good to go right into the heart of it as it's happening.

Open OK Hand Sign