I joined the Openhand community last week & I've been looking for discussion threads on the subjects of suffering & torment, couldn't find any so am starting a new forum topic.
I've been consciously following a spiritual path for nearly 10 years, & have also done a lot of work on myself through therapy & personal growth groups.
I am happy with my present life in many ways, especially in that I am now living authentically & I am consciously choosing how I spend my time, whom I spend it with, what I do, where I live, what is & isn't acceptable to me, etc.
However, I'm aware that I am frequently in an internal state of what I would describe as tormented or tortuous, & this causes me great pain & suffering.
It seems that the principle "theme" of my present incarnation is to work with, or experience, the energy of torture. I appreciate that this is a very "dark" area to explore & discuss.
My grandfather, whom I am named after, was tortured during WW2 by the Soviet NKVD, & at a soul level, I agreed to take on his unresloved traumas in order to find resolution. I have done masses of work on this, both spiritually & therapeutically, & believe that I have put his traumas & the effect they have had on me, to rest as far as possible. However, the experience of torture seems to keep coming back into my life in different guises.
Since I started my spiritual journey, I have always had a sense that I am a "tormented soul" & that there is nowhere for me to truly rest here on the Earth Plane.
From my therapy & "inner child" work, I know that I experienced states of torment at the hands of an abusive mother, & that I haven't yet fully forgiven her for that.
In my present life, the torment I experience manifests itself in obsessive, demanding, judgmental & critical thoughts - mostly directed at myself. I have tried numerous techniques to calm my mind, or distract myself from these thoughts, but often it feels like a losing battle in that the more I "effort" to counter these thoughts, the stronger they become.
I also believe in the power of surrender, & I'm wondering if the best way forward for me might be to accept, allow & embrace my experience of torment rather than to fight it. Perhaps there is a "greater good" to my experience of torment & torture.
Does anyone have any identification or constructive feedback on this?