Unfolding into my cosmic identity

I’ve been going through a fascinating process in the past few weeks and months and it's just gone through some kind of completion, so I thought I'd share. It’s like the remnants of the core learnings of each of my past lives on this planet and elsewhere have been activating – each of them fitting within one or more of four distinct themes: betrayal, rejection, abandonment and annihilation (and fear of annihilation) (which feels like cosmic karma) and each of these four distortions of the flow of my soul were related to an underlying theme of truth - others trying to suppress or deny (abandon me for, reject me for, betray me for, annihilate me for) the truth that was coming through me as a soul.
Day before yesterday I was given to take the afternoon off work and was guided to go for a walk to excavate all this. And was taken through tightnesses around the remnants of these lives and experiences and sunk deep into and through each experience as I walked.
As I moved through this a bigger, shakier feeling emerged. It felt like the ‘cosmic karma’ feeling I associate with much of the annihilation and abandonment stuff I refer to above – and I experience this not so much in the chakras/ my energy field, (as I experience tightnesses associated with karma from lifetimes on this planet), but a kind of tightness ‘at my core’. Terrifying and ground shaking.
So I went to the heart of this terror, again, as I was walking, which was quite a challenge as at its core was a feeling that I might just ‘crack up’ if I acknowledged the truth of what was ‘coming through’. I recognised this feeling as similar to when I started to 'download' on an energetic level 'where I come from', about eight months or so ago.
Anyway, I decided to just go there anyway, and then, immediately, who I am as a cosmic soul started to come through – my purpose this lifetime and the purpose of my soul at its core – and it shook me to my core. Some of this has come through before, in waking visions, etc, but this was more complete. Both awesomely beautiful and awesomely terrifying at the same time. I was held throughout by a benevolent force, however, so it all felt tremendously guided.
When I woke up the next day (yesterday) I felt a new and deep-seated relaxation in my soul identity (I know this is a clumsy way of putting it but I don’t really know how to describe it in any other way) – I had kind of relaxed into it and given it permission to fully land within this incarnation on earth.
This energetic unblocking seems to have opened the way for all sorts of meetings and exchanges since then (which could only take place once I had done this energetic unblocking) – I seem to have expanded further into my cosmic being and it has enabled all kinds of connections to take place internally and with people around me. And then this morning, I can feel the kundalini rising again, and that familiar feeling of heat burning away at the base of my spine and in my crown. Hmmm…

Add new comment


Thank you. Yes, I agree: it does feel wonderful to activate and use this gift.

When I think back to the chasing my tail, vacillating backwards and forwards and so on that I used to do not so long ago - when I wasn't able to read the situation or pick up on these different layers of information - I realise what a lot of nervous energy, emotional energy and so on I used to fritter away actually achieving very little. This way is much more efficient. And effective. And effortless. What a revelation!

It's a truly wonderful gift to activate Tonya.
I find it makes like so much more meaningful - when you're reading the moment in these multiple ways and acting through the unseen.


Open *OK*

Thought I'd share how this unfolding process has been continuing for me.

I was speaking with my long-lost twin sister, who lives in California, yesterday (long story but related to the abandonment/ betrayal theme above) and I became aware as she was talking that she was with me in the harmonious 'before' story on the planet I was speaking of above, before it changed form. As I listened to her I was getting information through on an energetic level, so I simply allowed myself to 'read' the truth of the situation - there were several layers of it - and I found tears of reconnection with her soul as we were then and then a kind of understanding of why we'd been through all the layers of experience we had since then.

And as we were speaking it was like I was being given further information on an energetic level so that I was able to say precisely what was needed to energetically heal some of the remaining distortions between our two souls. I'm not sure she was consciously aware of what was going on, but she certainly 'received me' in a very deep way that I wasn't aware that she had done before. I'm finding that more and more, that I'm able to 'pluck out of the air' precisely what is needed in each situation to 'unlock' something in the other person to help them kind of 'shift onto the next level' - and particularly with star souls who are finding it challenging bringing in what they know and integrating it into their lives.

And now that piece of the jigsaw has fallen into place, I am starting to get more of a sense of the gifts I had before the planet changed form and am able to bring them through in a more powerful way into my life. And I'm getting a clearer sense of what little white feather (my spiritual business) is becoming and is to be as a result.

Also getting a sense that I possibly didn't'originate' from the planet I speak of above but brought knowledge with me(us?) from elsewhere. Though this is just a vague sense, so not sure about this one yet. Will do more exploration.

All blessings and over and out for now.


So that's that then!

I've allowed myself to go back to the original incident - to allow myself to fully re-experience it again - to be fully 'blown up' and shattered again. Since that I have once more relived the major traumas in the other lives that I have experienced, and seen that each of them, even the major traumas in this lifetime, are linked with that original trauma.

And in re-experiencing the unity and harmony and joyful beingness of that original lifetime (which I see as being on Sirius) and connecting it with the unity I feel now in this lifetime, I was able to experience a deeper healing of all those experiences in between. It is like the harmony and unity I feel now is similar to that I felt on Sirius, but evolved and developed somehow(?)

It was like the trauma/ shock of that original incident had formed a kind of upturned-V shape incision deep in my 'brain' and that the distortions in all the other lifetimes had kind of got 'stuck on' that. As I allowed the incision to melt and heal (which it did 'organically' before my eyes, though there are still layers of melting to do) deeper layers of the trauma in each of the lifetimes after that melted away too.

I feel blessed.

Over and out for now.


To be honest, it doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, as yet - it's just what I'm experiencing!

I will keep exploring and see if it becomes clear.

I'm not necessarily experiencing that personally, but if it makes sense to you - wonderful!

Thank you, I will!

I seem also to be making more spontaneous connections with others on the Earth plane through our celestial/ spirit-light-bodies.

It feels very harmonious and very convenient!!!

Does this make any sense to you?


It does sound like a truly magical experience Tonya.
I'm really thrilled for you.
Sometimes these experiences can be difficult to bring into context.
So maybe sometimes we shouldn't! Maybe we should just enjoy them.



This is nice, thanks. It’s good to explore these things.

The kundalini experience I mentioned is not so much a ‘rising’ - I was being a bit lax with my language - it’s just a lovely warmth at the base of my spine and in my crown that I associate with kundalini. I don’t often feel it at the base of my spine: it’s reassuring somehow - makes me feel like a real human being!

My experience of Gateway 3, three years or so ago now, was, without a doubt, complete. It felt like an experience that I had waited aeons to experience – it was an awesome and radical experience of becoming an entirely newborn being – one that was lasting, awesome and complete. It was the most profound experience I have had this lifetime and I was filled with divine gratitude (and still am) for this experience.

Since then, and instantaneously, my life has entirely changed. And my clairvoyant and clairsentient qualities and divine gifts have unfolded and unfolded in a divine and beautiful way. And I have a reliable sense of profound knowing that I did not have before.

Almost immediately after this experience I started experiencing spontaneous recalls of past life experiences – but only four or five different lifetimes (I assume that's because I haven't had many on this planet), with further elements of some of them being revealed to me over the past few years. Many of these have been deeply emotional and profoundly painful, but I have just done my best to go to the heart of the suffering and fully experience it and then kind of 'drop through'.

And then about a year ago, I started to receive and accept into my being knowledge of my cosmic being: visual downloads of who I was (am) as a soul, along with my ‘purpose’ as a soul (though more at an energetic level than an intellectual one); where I come from; some of the experiences I have been through at a cosmic level (ie, not on this Earth). This is what I was referring to as ‘cosmic karma’ – I think I’m using the term in a different way than Openhand perhaps does (I think perhaps I need to visit the Openhand site more often and get more familiar with the terminology (smiley)).

My experience of what I am referring to as the ‘chakras’ these days, too, has changed. These days I simply experience a tightness in my energy field in the area around where the chakra is/was. It doesn’t come from or go anywhere – it is simply a tightness which gives me a pointer to where my consciousness needs to go to move through the energy block or issue and expand. And sometimes it is not even an energy block – sometimes it seems to be simply an issue that I am experiencing or processing on behalf of the Earth or humanity. At least I am not consciously aware that there is a personal issue associated with it. Which feels deeply humbling but can feel immensely intense and painful on some levels. I’ll often be out and about in nature when this starts kicking in – and it can be quite interesting when I bump into other people with my tear-stained face! All good fun.

And I think you’re spot on about associating my experiences with the Sirius annihilation! It's funny - a lot of the existential angst I experienced as a teenager seems to have been associated with this.


They sound like truly powerful and profound experiences Tonya - wow!

I assume that because you posted them here, you might be open to some level of attempted interpretation? Or at least point of view?

As we know, there are many layers to penetrate on the path. I do question strongly if this is really cosmic karma you've been experiencing (as Openhand would define it).

To me, there are two levels of karma - 4D and 8D. The eighth dimensional karma happens as we open into the higher realm. It's seldom that people would experience this in a human body. The vibration is mostly too dense and masks the subtle inner feelings. Although people can go out of body for a time or else channel higher experiences.

If ones kumdalini is still experienced as rising, then it would indicate that full blown kundalini has not yet been fully integrated. When it is, then kundalini simply becomes a part of the general background experience. It is so omnipresent in ones field, you make no unusual reference to it. It's as 'common' as breathing - it flows 'up' and 'down'.

So if the kundalini is still experienced as rising, it would likely point more to the 3rd Gateway and 3D/4D experience.

Likewise, when we truly move fully into embodied higher cosmic experience, the chakras themselves will have long since disappeared. They are merely consciousness exchange points and when higher self has fully integrated with the lower being - during the 5th Gateway - then the chakras have disappeared into white light. There's no more convolution.

You experience speaks to me strongly of the Sirius 'annihilation'. A truly earth shattering 4D experience no doubt!

It could also be that the light of the soul is now beginning to enter the 'Merkabah' or 'Spirit Light Body', which would be a more middle realm experience.

Do keep exploring (as I know you will!).

From my heart to yours